[GeekyOne]

Have you been here?

I saw my T yesterday. We were pretty scattered. A lot of touching on different things but not getting into any of them. It felt forced. She kept trying to get me to talk but I've got... nothing.

Everything seems pointless and useless to bring up. I even had things to talk about from an interaction earlier in the week but it just... didn't seem to matter. Didn't seem worth it.

During the session, even as I was sitting there in silence, I thought about saying I need help with coping with anxiety because I've been self-harming again for the last month or so, but... I didn't. I just sat there. I couldn't connect with T.

I was slow and quiet. I nodded. I shrugged. ...and it was all I could muster up.

What do I do? Should I even be trying to "do therapy" when the depression is this bad? Does this mean I should take a break? I don't really want to... I like to at least pretend there's someone who knows me in person and might care about me (even if only for 50 minutes/week), but I don't want to waste T's time, you know?

(P.S. my depression is deep, chronic and very treatment resistant. This flare has been going on for several weeks and I'm trying new meds but... well, here I am.)

[DP_2017]

yep read my post i just made, similar to this

i literally can't find a reason to discuss depressive things. its pointless as you said, nothing changes it, i only matter for 1 hour... so why bother?

sorry you are struggling too

[NP_Complete]

I wonder where this idea that we are somehow wasting a therapist's time comes from. I've had the thought and obviously other people have had it as well. I mean, we're paying them, how is that wasting their time? Is it because we don't feel we deserve help or that others deserve it more?

I'm sorry you're struggling GO. I've been really depressed for a while now and, honestly, going to therapy is the only thing keeping me here at this point. It's a safe place where I can sit and be heard. And if I don't talk, that's fine with him. He's okay with silence. If you feel like you're being heard and understood, then keep going. Write things down if you have to or email them if your therapist allows outside contact.

[DP_2017]

For me its more about the after session stuff, even though he claims its all ok, I no longer believe it and I just feel like I'm a waste and a burden and he has far more important people to be worrying about. I get my hour, he should just stop caring after that.

[fille_folle]

I do think that one can be too depressed for therapy to really be effective. However, having been there myself, I don't think that makes therapy completely worthless. I mean, when you feel deeply depressed, just having someone who is there can make the difference between being really down and suicidal.

I'm sorry your depression is so treatment resistant. That must be really discouraging. I hope you catch some luck with your new meds.

I'm pretty much in a state of some level of depression my whole life.
Not sure I think of it in terms of treatment resistant. That feels to much like lingo talk.
I've had times when is become deeper but I've always gone. The very least it's been a safe place to take and show what I'm feeling, even if I feel I can't do anything more with it at those times.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by GeekyOne

Have you been here?

I saw my T yesterday. We were pretty scattered. A lot of touching on different things but not getting into any of them. It felt forced. She kept trying to get me to talk but I've got... nothing.

Everything seems pointless and useless to bring up. I even had things to talk about from an interaction earlier in the week but it just... didn't seem to matter. Didn't seem worth it.

During the session, even as I was sitting there in silence, I thought about saying I need help with coping with anxiety because I've been self-harming again for the last month or so, but... I didn't. I just sat there. I couldn't connect with T.

I was slow and quiet. I nodded. I shrugged. ...and it was all I could muster up.

I can completely understand this. I was this way last week and the session was just awful. He's pretty solution focused which is normally OK, but really wasn't when I was so impaired. I think maybe I just wanted him to empathize. But instead he kept trying to "fix" things, only he wasn't, and I just felt more and more depressed. I came really close to quitting, but it just seems counterintuitive to quit therapy because you are too depressed.

I wrote down some things to try to explain to him how the session was feeling for me, because although I'm sure he knew things weren't working, I'm not sure he would have known why. It never occured to me to say "I'm feeling especially depressed and hopeless today and I can't even talk." I just didn't talk.

[DP_2017]

Ya I get that, I tend to pretend I'm ok often too.

Heck, if my T does call me today I'm planning to say I'm fine now. I also don't wanna talk about any of this in person tomorrow.... yet I'm so bad off I literally feel like my body is shutting down. I just can't burden anyone. It sucks

[Blacky89]

I was there last session.. where anything I said seemed pointless. Not that I said much.
It sounds like your sessions are important to you though. Just keep turning up. For me, even if I say absolutely nothing, as unproductive as I might perceive that to be, what is more important is that it is my safe place, a comfort to have someone there and the opportunity to speak if I wanted to.

Last session I did actually manage to say to t that I was going to feel really bad after session because I didn’t think I’d said anything and how awful I though my the session was. She then said how we had gone through a lot today, and how productive she thought it had been etc etc. I really didn’t think we had gone through a lot because I had felt so low. But I am allowed to record my sessions, so I listened to I think back and she was right.

I don’t think your t would ever think there is such a thing as a bad session

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Ya I get that, I tend to pretend I'm ok often too.

Heck, if my T does call me today I'm planning to say I'm fine now. I also don't wanna talk about any of this in person tomorrow.... yet I'm so bad off I literally feel like my body is shutting down. I just can't burden anyone. It sucks

What are you afraid he would do if you did tell him how bad you are feeling?

[DP_2017]

Nothing, I just hate feeling like a burden... plus I live with sadness all day, when I'm there for the 1 hr a week, I want to feel happy

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Nothing, I just hate feeling like a burden... plus I live with sadness all day, when I'm there for the 1 hr a week, I want to feel happy

I don't think you are a burden. That's why you are paying him. But if you are actually happy and not just pretending to be happy for his sake, I can understand wanting a break from the depression.

[DP_2017]

I am, being with him is the highlight of my week. It always lifts my mood.

I am not paying him to talk on the phone etc, thats why I feel like a burden. He does too much **** and i'm not worth it