[Skull&Crossbones]

Has anyone ever had a thought/urge/feeling (that was never acted on) that was so heinous and would have so much stigma that you couldn't tell anyone, not even a therapist because they'd ruin your life/career? Let's say it's bad enough that at best you gloss over it with your S.O., but never really tell them the truth because they would leave you?

What do you do? Who do you talk to? No one and just have it eat you alive and live in fear of someone finding out and destroying your life/career? Just run away and find a job doing something you don't like just so you can maybe hide? I guess it doesn't help that my only therapist is a couple's counselor but I wouldn't talk about it alone either.

I'm just not sure who it's safe to talk to.

Someone I know has a thing which is pretty much universally condemned, heavily stigmatised, seen as heinous etc even though they have never acted on it.

I've only seen articles on how suicidal people with a more extreme version of it can get. They find support groups for others with such a secret because many therapists won't see them.

It's also not that rare for people to have thoughts and urges of harming others, including in horrific ways. Of course it's highly distressing to have thoughts/urges which are widely condemned by much of society. However there's a difference between such thoughts/urges and acting on them.

[satsuma]

I think it would be good to tell someone about it, and a T seems like a very well-qualified person who should be trained and prepared to be able to deal with very many difficult topics.

As QM says, having a thought or feeling is on no way the same as actually acting on it. We can't always control our thoughts or our feelings. So while I can see that it would be hugely distressing to have some thoughts in one's mind, I don't think it's a sign of being a bad person. I think it may be more helpful to see those thoughts as a distressing symptom, and ask the T for help in overcoming or getting rid of them.

Originally Posted by Skull&Crossbones

Has anyone ever had a thought/urge/feeling (that was never acted on) that was so heinous and would have so much stigma that you couldn't tell anyone, not even a therapist because they'd ruin your life/career? Let's say it's bad enough that at best you gloss over it with your S.O., but never really tell them the truth because they would leave you?

What do you do? Who do you talk to? No one and just have it eat you alive and live in fear of someone finding out and destroying your life/career? Just run away and find a job doing something you don't like just so you can maybe hide? I guess it doesn't help that my only therapist is a couple's counselor but I wouldn't talk about it alone either.

I'm just not sure who it's safe to talk to.

A therapist should. Be safe. But reading about some of the T's on here, in not sure they would be.
I know mine is.
Have you a T that you feel is accomplished in their role? If so. Then im sure she'd hear anything and probably be able, to lighten the load for you.

Geez, the things in my head whrn I first begin therapy were awful.

[Elio]

My T has repeatedly told me that thoughts are thoughts and feelings are feelings. We are not our thoughts or our feelings. We are humans that think thoughts and have feelings.

It took me a long time and lots of baby steps to tell my T about some of my intrusive thoughts. She's not pushed on details which has helped. I started by keeping things very vague and letting her know that I was scared to tell her.

The thoughts come and go and when they are at their worse, I feel like a monster. It seems each time I have a really bad period of time, I let her see more of the details, I still am not very graphic about them. By talking to her about them at the level I can, I have been able to see that they do come and go, and am more able to explore what is going on around me when the are strongest.

Another way to approach it is the talking about talking about something - such as asking your T if there is any topic they feel uncomfortable addressing or what things do they use to determine whatever. Also talking about having this part of you that you are uncomfortable sharing with anyone.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about any of this, you do not have to live with those thoughts eating at you. You are not alone.

[Erebos]

My partner is one of these people. The police were obliged to tell me of his offences before we committed to relationship.
He has been more or less forced to discuss his thoughts and urges because they led to behaviour that led to imprisonment.

All the case workers, social workers, group workers and police liaison have been excellent.
Very professional and non judgemental.
There are T's and pdocs who specialize in all areas of behaviour, but it's very hard to find one if without obviously expressing these thoughts at some level.

I have been with him to number of his appointments and found that the support was very good.

My partner has had ALOT of experience having to talk about these things because he has had too.
I can imagine it would be incredibly hard to begin with. The fear of someone reacting badly would have felt very real.

[maybeblue]

I would start by finding yourself an individual therapist. It's not uncommon for people to have both an individual and a couple's therapist. Once you have established a reasonable relationship with that therapist, I would bring it up something like this: "I have some thoughts that are really bothering me. I want to be clear that I have never acted on them, but just the thoughts are very disturbing." Do you think that you could help me with that?

I think it is important to be absolutely clear that you have not acted on the thoughts. I guess I'm assuming that the behavior that your thoughts are about are illegal. But thoughts are thoughts. I certainly wouldn't share them with everyone if they are disturbing. But a therapist should be able to handle it. Also, they can't report you just because you have thoughts. That isn't illegal, or even in my opinion immoral. It just is. What is illegal or immoral is acting on them. But you have been able to control your behavior. You'd just like to be able to control the thoughts too.

Sometimes when you have a secret it gets bigger and bigger inside you. It sometimes seems worse than it is. I obviously don't know what your secret is, but it's possible that just talking about it will relieve the pressure.