[chaotic13]

Over the past three weeks I have been adrift in my own irrational thought without the support of my T. I’ve experienced all kinds of feelings about being left alone to deal with… “everything” as well as crazy feeling about my past and present. However, I did have the support of PC and ultimately of a close friend whom I finally broke down and started to allow into my trust zone. All of your comments and insights have been very helpful. I found MOUSE’s link the Zen Pain vs. Pleasure essay especially helpful - not sure now what thread that was in. I have no idea the credibility of this particular source but it definitely resulted in some depth of thought about the internal conflict raging within me and how it is preventing me from experiencing the pleasures of life.

Today I am interested in hearing all of your thoughts on emotional suppression and denial. Here I am talking about hiding or denying your emotions even to yourself. I don’t know if there is a special term for when the suppression is unconscious vs. conscious. I am aware that I do the latter A LOT, but until recently I did not realize that I also unconsciously hide things from myself. I recently realized that my continual denial of fear is unbelievable. I know I was raised being indoctrinated with the notion that you are to never show your fear to anyone. To show fear is to show vulnerability. I amazed myself recently when I realize the extent to which I have taken this notion.

In therapy 3 weeks ago I recalled and actually talked about a minor childhood experience where I was groped by 2 boys. My focus when talking about this incident was really not about the act of being groped, it was more about my incredibly severe- violent response to it. After describing this incident my T asked, “were you really afraid of these boys and of being hurt by them?” To which I thought for a moment and reply, “NO, I was more afraid of the repercussion of my own actions.” Later after therapy my head exploded with a lot of other stuff and I wrote my T. In this brief email I made it a point to say again that I was not afraid of these boys. When I wrote in my personal journal about my response to this minor incident, I repeatedly wrote about how bizarre and violent my response was to them and that it didn’t make sense especially since I did not fear I was in mortal danger. With my previous experience with boys, the groping in this incident was relatively minor – it should have been no big deal. The question of WHY I had responded the way I did just would not leave my mind. In re-reading my writings I recently noted how much attention I had paid to defending the position that I was not afraid.

After thinking about this I realize now that I was actually very afraid of them! What amazes me is that not only have I become a master at hiding my real feelings and emotions from others, I have mastered the art of hiding them from myself. No wonder when I am asked about how I feel about something I usually say “I don’t know” and even when I am really trying to be open I will say “ANGRY, I felt angry”. It has taken me 3 weeks to simply admit to myself that during that moment in time I was actually afraid. I wonder if I will ever really be aware of my true feelings let alone actually share them with someone else.

I would love to hear about others experiences with emotional denial and how you at least helped yourself become more aware of your own denial.

[Mouse_]

{{Mckell}} I too had an experience with boys. I had always maintained that I smiled all through the "events", I know now I was feeling afraid! I think we can only discover our real feelings when its safe enought to do so, and its not a consious choice!

[Perna]

I don't think we suppress "consciously" as we would know we were suppressing! You can't not know what you know :-) I think that is why/how feelings and experiences get uncovered, we do know/remember and the feelings push up.

<font color="red">possible TRIGGER story follows</font> I had a boyfriend who was a Marine fighter pilot in the Korean War and was shot at a lot, shot down, etc. and his body was full of shrapnel. Over the 20+ years since the War, pieces of shrapnel would work their way toward the surface and eventually he'd go to the doctor and the doctor would remove a piece. I think suppression is like that.