[confused_77]

I post about my disappointmets with therapist and read post in here and I sometimes feel like we have unrealistic expectations. I get upset because the T doesn't react the way i want her to, i get upset when she forgets any details of my story, doesn't give me 100% of her attention.
do i really give 100% in my job each and every time? its a job for her, she is a human. Somehow I feel entitled to complain or get angry. i feel like i would not expect the same level of involvement from anyone else.
does this make sense?

I think it depends. I don't think it is wrong to have expectations - they usually come from a place that are important parts of our value system or/and something we want to change and experience differently. It does sound unrealistic to expect a T to remember every small detail and to provide 100% attention, but it is not unrealistic to expect them to act professionally and make efforts for the money we pay them. It is also good to give feedback even if it is not received as expected. With therapists, I think if you find it useful and beneficial even though it's not perfect and satisfies all wishes, probably good. If not, maybe it's not worth the money and energy.

[DP_2017]

No for me. I'm always well aware he's flawed. We talk about some ways he is different outside the room. I dont expect any human to be perfect

[stopdog]

Not at all. I told the woman how flawed she was almost weekly. To me the problem is those guys act/believe they are not flawed and blame the client for anything that goes wrong. To be sure, they certainly are known to use the "I'm not perfect" phrase in a defensive manner when their failures are pointed out to them.

[Yzen]

Great question! I had unrealistic expectations. My current T reminds me of people on Facebook that post all the time about their perfect life. She presents herself as having changed her life and continued to tell me she was helping me change mine. She talks about her life like it is full of fun and travel and good times. I hoped going to her would help me change my life significantly. Unfortunately, I haven't seen the progress that I expected. I am looking for a new T that is 'more human' and doesn't put on a perfection 'act'.

[missbella]

I had the visceral sense that my therapists were gods, but they set up the relationship to encourage my awe. My constant confessions of flaws --while they remained inscrutable--was only the beginning. They behaved like they infallible authoritarians, completely controlling the narrative, squashing dissent or any report that failed to feed their self-image as divine rescuers. They pretended to mind read, transcend reality and science with their knowledge of everything, and dole out approval in small doses and silence in large ones. They created or allowed unrealistic expectations of what therapy could or couldn't do.

I related to therapists as an infant would to a powerful adult, and I feel therapists enforced and demanded this in many ways.

I don't think it at all beneficial.

[fille_folle]

From things I've read on this forum, it sounds like some therapists encourage the belief that they are infallible. This hasn't been my personal experience, though. My therapists have shared little tidbits about themselves that shows me that they are just another person. I also think some people have unreasonable expectations, to be honest.

[zoiecat]

My T does not pretend to be perfect in any way, nor does he ever imply that he is my saviour or can fix me. He is very skillful and competant with treating trauma and I trust that I will improve if I continue to follow his lead and put the work in on my end.

I guess I am lucky to have such a grounded, down to earth T. Plus I have never expected perfection. Due to my upbringing I have never expected much from anyone in my life and I am always grateful for what I get.

While my T works very hard to help me and I trust his skills 100%, I know he is not a perfect human. He doesn't share much but I know his marriage is not perfect and he struggles with weight. No one is perfect and even though we are paying them for a service, mental health, feelings, thoughts, and relationships are not black and white. Therapists will at some point dissappoint their clients, say the wrong thing, misinterpret words, or make a wrong call at some point. My T is always quick to admit his errors and apologize when necessary. I treat ours like any other relationship and always do the same.

[missbella]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

From things I've read on this forum, it sounds like some therapists encourage the belief that they are infallible. This hasn't been my personal experience, though. My therapists have shared little tidbits about themselves that shows me that they are just another person. I also think some people have unreasonable expectations, to be honest.

I agree I had unreasonable expectations. I went into therapy with unrealistic goals which therapists encouraged. My bully therapist even denigrated me when I failed to succeed. Social dominance is established in both subtle and less subtle ways which the therapists employed amply.

I’m in situations now where collaborators might find me intimidating or judgmental by virtue of my role. I do what I can to discourage this and put them at ease.

[cool09]

My last therapist was perfect. A bit abrasive, but perfect. She made every minute of the session count and her patience was stellar. She didn't want to listen to some of the things I said. She flipped out for some reason when I talked about the past.

[LabRat27]

Logically, no. Emotionally, yes.

The more emotionally intense and charged my relationship with someone, the stronger my tendencies towards idealization and devaluation. Given how emotionally charged my interactions with him are (because therapy is, by its nature, emotionally charged and intense), it seems almost inevitable. The transference makes it even more intense.

I don't usually experience this in terms of what I actually logically believe to be true, but I experience it very strongly in what emotionally feels true.

[here today]

Yeah, OK. Like a surgeon is an imperfect human being. And when she/he makes you sit in the waiting room for your appointment, OK. And when she/he takes out the wrong kidney, it's an honest, human mistake, right?

But in the latter case it is not just an honest, human mistake, it has disastrous consequences for the patient.

Bad therapy can have that effect, too. Only it is harder for people who have not had that kind of experience to understand.

[missbella]

Psychotherapy is so much part of today's zeitgeist I think it falls to the therapist to sort out the myth from the reality when the client begins and, if necessary, throughout sessions. If one goes by advice columns, TV or movies, the therapist miraculously can transform the most impossible client or help her reclaim her wholeness due to one epiphanous session. The expose of the Sybil case is but one example.

[Anne2.0]

I don't think there is anything wrong with expectations or to say what's true for you even if it's a complaint. I think because the currency in therapy is words and words in relation to words-- like an oral version of a book, it lends itself to people picking at statements and nonverbals in ways that other kinds of human interactions do not, except maybe grown children and their parents, intimate partners with each other. I think of book reviews sometimes when I read about people's experiences with therapy, how differently people react to words on a page, how differently people think about what is good writing and what is a good story and what the meaning of a story is. Maybe that's why people react so differently to therapy and why what works for one does not work for the other.

For me an important goal has been not to be so hard on people, and in the early years of therapy this time around I was able to notice the ways I would box him in -- in terms of the way I wanted the conversation to go. I'm pretty sure I do this IRL with my loved ones, and part of what I have learned is to give other people more space-- to be less reactive to certain words or to disagreements-- to allow people to explore how we differ without trying to cut them off. So when sessions involve more communication and less perfection in the way that communication happens, it's a good thing for me. It's not so much that I need to see T as an imperfect human, but to realize that discussion is imperfect and the goal of communication is to come to a gentle grasp on what is being shared and offered.

[Deejay14]

Yes we do!

[Tbhimscared]

Sometimes I have unrealistic expectations but then I remember that my T is young and is learning (she’s in a joint practice and done of school but I think all Ts are continuously learning). She’s been open with me about her own personal struggles with self esteem, life inconsistencies and things like that but it works for me because I need that human connection or I won’t be able to trust someone.

[MessyD]

I may sometimes forget but then he reminds me that's he's not perfect and that he's broken just like everyone else.

Originally Posted by confused_77

I post about my disappointmets with therapist and read post in here and I sometimes feel like we have unrealistic expectations. I get upset because the T doesn't react the way i want her to, i get upset when she forgets any details of my story, doesn't give me 100% of her attention.
do i really give 100% in my job each and every time? its a job for her, she is a human. Somehow I feel entitled to complain or get angry. i feel like i would not expect the same level of involvement from anyone else.
does this make sense?

I get home you feel. T always reminds me that shes not perfect and says imperfection helps me realise perfection isn't necessary.