[lucozader]

Content warning for some medical/dentist stuff...

Last Friday I had a root canal. In my session with T the evening before I talked about my fears about the procedure - in particular my fear that the adrenaline in the anaesthetic shot would affect my heart and make me feel extremely panicky, as it had the week before when I had a filling. (I'm currently waiting to see a cardiologist, having had an echocardiogram that showed a problem with my heart, so especially sensitive to that sort of thing right now.)

In some emails we exchanged on Friday and Tuesday, which were about scheduling, he did mention the root canal...







Which is a small thing, I suppose... But I really appreciated it.

Anyway, I saw him yesterday and told him that the procedure had been fine... I hadn't been affected by the adrenaline this time, and the root canal was painless, just kind of odd.

He said... That he'd also been at the dentist this week. And that he'd asked his dentist about the adrenaline thing, and they'd told him that it only ever really happens when the injection is in the lower jaw, and you can ask for the shot without adrenaline in those cases. Which is... Pretty useful to know.

Anyway... So I guess he... Solicited dentistry advice for me? Or something?!

The thought of him thinking of me like that, outside of session... The thought of him being at the dentist thinking of me at the dentist... It fills me with warm gooey feelings. It feels really good that he cares that much. It makes me feel special. It makes me feel like I matter to him.

It's not the first time that he's mentioned thinking of me.

But I'm conflicted about it - I worry that stirring up all these loving feelings won't be helpful to me in the long-run (or even in the short term, actually, 'cos it already hurts) - it will just make it harder for me to accept that we can't ever have a relationship outside of the therapeutic one.

Does that make sense? Why am I posting this thread? I'm not sure. Maybe I want to know if your T says things like that, and how they make you feel or how they would make you feel? Maybe I just want an excuse to talk about my T.

He's so nice.

Sigh.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I'd feel the exact same way if my T did that. I'd personally not like it, because I already feel way too attached to him. This would only make it more complicated.

If this happened with me, I'd probably tell my T how it made me feel. I'd be scared that he'd stop telling me about such things, but at the same time my T has always made me feel like it's the most important thing of all to talk about feelings I have about him, whether they are good or bad. And I have never felt like it worsened any situation so far.

Also, glad your dentist visit went well

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

I'd be scared that he'd stop telling me about such things, but at the same time my T has always made me feel like it's the most important thing of all to talk about feelings I have about him, whether they are good or bad.

Yes! This is exactly how I feel too. I feel I should talk to him about this, but then part of me is terrified that he will change the way he is towards me if I do. I agree that it's important (or at least, useful) to talk about such feelings.

He knows that I was very attached to my previous T and that I had very intense erotic transference. I think he is prepared for me to have intense feelings about him too...

[unaluna]

My t referred me to his butt doctor, but i guess you dont want to hear about that!

I didnt realize there was adrenaline in the numbing shot. I did have my lower jaw done last dentist appt, and i got a tremendous feeling of well-being from it. So much so that i was joking with my providers that i was planning to break in and steal the novocaine. Kinda makes sense, because it is said that the beta blockers i take can cause depression.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by lucozader

Yes! This is exactly how I feel too. I feel I should talk to him about this, but then part of me is terrified that he will change the way he is towards me if I do. I agree that it's important (or at least, useful) to talk about such feelings.

He knows that I was very attached to my previous T and that I had very intense erotic transference. I think he is prepared for me to have intense feelings about him too...

I have found it helpful to talk about this kind of stuff with my T. I am incredibly attached to her and she knows about it and thinks it is fine and healing for me. She has mentioned thinking about me at various points before and for various reasons, including her occasionally having an (accurate!) sense that I'm struggling between sessions and wondering why I didn't call. I get the sense that she cares about me a great deal, both based on things she has said and on the little reactions she has had to things. Maybe she cares about all her clients like that, but I kind of don't think so because it has grown over time between us.

I don't think she has dialed back on anything I have talked about. I can tell her all my complicated feelings but then tell her that I still really like something without her taking it away. She's good about listening and making sure she understands. And I think she understands why I worry about close relationships sometimes. I think your T would too, even just based on what you've told him about your old T.

Even with my strong attachment, I don't really struggle with her not being part of my life. She is a really intense stimulus to me, and I like that the intensity is contained in one place so I can access it when I need it and then leave it behind afterwards. It helps that her boundaries are pretty solid, so I don't have to worry about ever being tempted by her offering something that isn't therapeutic for me.

[junkDNA]

When I had a leep procedure they gave me a shot in my hoohah and it had adrenaline in it. I didn't know that. I started panicking. They told me after that it was from the shot

[JaneTennison1]

I can appreciate this must feel really hard. If someone told me something interesting I think I would ask about it too but that doesn't take away the right to worry. Just consider it may be much more innocent than you believe. I have asked about things my clients have mentioned just because I was curious or didn't know.

[Out There]

I think I'd talk to T about the feelings - a good T would understand them and where they're coming from , feeling " cared " about could sometimes lead to ET , but stemming from what we may not have got when we're young. One of my T's is quite accessible , it hits some feelings ( not ET ) but has stuff there. I'm glad your dental work was OK !

My last T told me (sometimes via email) a few times how he was thinking of me in certain situations outside of sessions. For example, when he was taking a walk in the park during lunch break, or walking in a certain neighborhood of the city and even thought he saw me walk by but was not sure. When he said these things, I would ask what was the context that reminded him of me and he usually said the environment (nature in the park, the somewhat free spirited and artsy vibe in a city neighborhood, etc). This is as far as I pushed the topic. It did not surprise me at all, what would surprise me if Ts don't think about clients in that way every now and then.

I also think about coworkers, students etc in similar ways all the time. Most often it does not have any really deep emotional meaning or significance, really mostly just some part of an actual experience triggers a memory or chain of thoughts. Sometimes it involves people I have deeper interest in than average. And a situation like your dentist story - that reminds me how I sometimes get ideas what might be useful info or help to someone I know while not together, I investigate it a bit, and tell them later. I really would just think it works the same way for Ts.

[Anne2.0]

I like very much the way your T carefully goes through the scheduling issues. It reminds me of my T when we do scheduling by email (and occasionally a 1 sentence "this happened" kind of thing.

What strikes me with the dentist issue is that I have found my T to be someone who uses every opportunity to share things he's learned, he is very well read (in the stuff he likes to read) and he goes to workshops and he is very intellectually curious, and asking a dentist something would be something he would totally do. I think he operates on the principle that he wants to be as helpful to people as possible, and is willing to share anything that he thinks might be helpful. I like that about him.

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I also think about coworkers, students etc in similar ways all the time. Most often it does not have any really deep emotional meaning or significance, really mostly just some part of an actual experience triggers a memory or chain of thoughts. Sometimes it involves people I have deeper interest in than average. And a situation like your dentist story - that reminds me how I sometimes get ideas what might be useful info or help to someone I know while not together, I investigate it a bit, and tell them later. I really would just think it works the same way for Ts.

I am a T and I think about my clients outside of sessions every now and again. I wasn't really questioning whether that's normal or appropriate. I don't think it has any particular emotional significance for him. It does have a lot of meaning for me though, and it has a very powerful effect on me - or at least on a part of me. That's more what I was intending to discuss.

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

What strikes me with the dentist issue is that I have found my T to be someone who uses every opportunity to share things he's learned, he is very well read (in the stuff he likes to read) and he goes to workshops and he is very intellectually curious, and asking a dentist something would be something he would totally do. I think he operates on the principle that he wants to be as helpful to people as possible, and is willing to share anything that he thinks might be helpful. I like that about him.

Yes, that sounds like my T, too!

[lucozader]

He also told me that he really, really hates going to the dentist. When I said that I thought they'd expected me to be 'difficult' (because of my reaction to the shot the week before) and were pleasantly surprised when I wasn't... He said, oh, they expected me to be difficult and I was...

Not sure where that bit of self-disclosure fits into this. Or how I feel about it.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by lucozader

The thought of him thinking of me like that, outside of session... The thought of him being at the dentist thinking of me at the dentist... It fills me with warm gooey feelings. It feels really good that he cares that much. It makes me feel special. It makes me feel like I matter to him.

It's not the first time that he's mentioned thinking of me.

But I'm conflicted about it - I worry that stirring up all these loving feelings won't be helpful to me in the long-run (or even in the short term, actually, 'cos it already hurts) - it will just make it harder for me to accept that we can't ever have a relationship outside of the therapeutic one.

Does that make sense?

I think that does make sense, Luc. And I think I'd feel the same way. I understand - in an intellectual sort of way - that of course T's take things that happened in session outside of session. I imagine few people are capable of compartmentalizing to the extent that they'd never carry something away.

And T telling you about this, about being at the dentist, about thinking of what you'd said...well, it's just so bloody normal. Which is weird, because (in my opinion) not much about therapy is very normal. If that makes sense.

I tried to imagine Beavers referencing having thought of me/something I said outside of session (and something fairly mundane at that - not, like, some trauma description he couldn't get out of hid head) and felt the weirdest hodgepodge of special and deeply, deeply uncomfortable. It was confusing. I don't envy anyone that.

((luc))

My t will say some things like that too, she thought about me during the week or something reminded her of me. It feels nice but then those feelings of yearning and attachment come up and I feel a great loss because I am not part of her life.
Your t sounds amazing. I really like his relational style and how he took the time to ask his dentist about your experience, very thoughtful.
I think talking about this may be very fruitful and it sounds like your t would be very open to a discussion like this.

Our inner worlds don't work like our rational world.
It doesn't matter that you won't be friends. It downer matter that you're conflicted about it now. What matters is that theres an imprint of someone holding you in mind.

The good thing is that I think your T is very good and will handle the consequences of all of this well, whatever they may be.