[justbreathe1994]

RkAs most of ya know, I see my t at a clinic so I know a lot of her other clients cuz we were in group together. I just found out today that my t allows text and phone therapy after hours with one of her clients, which she doesn’t allow for me. I feel SO pathetic that I even give a $&@% but this has me pretty upset . I feel so jealous. That’s all. I’m pretty depressed and dysreglulated at the moment... I know my t cares about me but something about the fear about her caring more about others - I just can’t seem to get over. It’s aweful.

I hear you. I was so upset when I found out that my T offers some (but not all) clients half an hour sessions outside her regular clinic hours. She didn't offer them to me.

Would it help if you brought up how hurt you feel? Mine explained that she judged I wouldn't benefit from half an hour sessions because I take so long to open up, hence she never offered those to me. I did tell her I was very hurt because I felt excluded.

T once mentioned some of her clients email her work email and she has a blanket policy of not replying to any out of session contact unless it's agreed upon. I felt sad I didn't have her email.

She offers several clients (including me) the option to call the clinic to arrange for a brief phone call with her. I don't know what's her criteria for offering.

She also offers some clients (including me) scheduled check in phone calls under certain conditions, but I declined as I don't think I need or deserve it.

Recently I discussed with her if I could send her a short email when our sessions are spaced further apart so we discussed when I could email and how she will follow up with a call. She gave me her work email.

I always felt T cares about me less than others. I get horrible feelings whenever I'm reminded that an acquaintance sees her too. I can't imagine how I would deal with having group therapy with her other clients.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm sorry, that sounds painful. How did you find out about the other client being allowed texting/phone? Mostly wondering if your T told you or the client did. You should definitely talk to your T about it and ask her why she allows it with that client and not you. Is it something you've asked for from her before, and she said no? (If not, it's possible she didn't know you would have wanted it.)

This makes me think of when I found out ex-T hugged some clients but had never hugged me. It really hurt. I finally asked why she allowed it with them, and she said it's because I had some maternal transference. So then it felt like I was being punished for having transference...eventually, maybe a year after that conversation, she gradually started touching my arm as I left, then at one point offered a hug when I was really upset. And I would hug her every few sessions (generally at my request), but then I kept worrying if I asked too often, she'd take it away. So it never felt "secure."

I really think T's should be consistent in what they offer all clients--sure, not everyone is going to want it (I'm sure some wouldn't want a hug from her, for example), but at least allow the same. I'm under the impression that my current T has fairly consistent policies for outside contact and touch--he doesn't hug, though does shake hands at the end of each session if a client opts for that, which I do--since he outlined them early on, and that makes me feel safer in a way. Even though sometimes I wish he allowed more free outside contact...after my experience with ex-T and marriage counselor (won't go on about that here) with seemingly unlimited outside contact, I'd now rather have clear, consistent boundaries than unclear ones that could suddenly change. And I'd rather feel a T is treating all clients the same in terms of what's allowed instead of thinking that I'm "special," because then that really hurts if it changes or gets taken away.

[DP_2017]

I am the only client my t hugs every session. Also the only one getting additional text session every week. It's awesome but if I was on the other side and found out I was excluded I'd feel awful too.

I agree to ask why. I know why I get the things others don't. So there's probably a reason for your issue too.

[LittleAfrica]

Your reaction is understandable. It is an awful feeling. I can relate somewhat as mine will hug others but not me. Maybe bring this up with her and ask her what's up with the difference

I've had many conversations regarding this sort of thing.
T has come at it from many angles.
One time when I asked how she can remember whose who, regarding clients. She said, well when you KNOW someone, you know them. When I open the door, I know YOU.
Yes she has relationships with other clients. But I'm at a place now, where I'm secure enough with the relationship I have withT for it not to threaten me thinking of other clients.
Also her saying that each client needs different things from her. Some just need help in thinking through a particular issue, so a more lighter relationship I took that to mean. And then there's clients like me that needed rebuilding from the ground up. An awful lot of relationship between T and I has gone into that which has probably outlived a lot of her other clients who come with just an issue or 2.
But talking about it is the only way to come to terms with it.

Gosh, I can understand how this would make you feel hurt and confused. It would no doubt impact your sense of self worth. This reminds me of what it is like to be the unpopular child not invited to a birthday party. It is really a blow to one's esteem and confidence.

I have been trying to look at this from a less emotional point of view. Is it possible your therapist thinks such a patient/doctor relationship might cross some boundaries based on its present nature. Is it possible your therapist is concerned you might become too attached? Not choosing to have out of office contact might be then a reaction to the current nature of the existing professional relationship. In short, your therapist might be trying to avoid and head off a concern.

I have railed against what I see as relationships with psychiatrists and therapists being less than professional. I certainly don't have contact with my caregivers outside of office hours as I consider that unprofessional. It occurs to me that the reason why they have done nothing to encourage it might very well be that they wish to acknowledge my considerations. Perhaps in fact they do give texting/emailing privileges to their other patients. Perhaps too, the reason they have not offered to extend these to me is an indication they think I am relatively stable and well enough not to maintain constant contact. Maybe this then points in the direction they feel I don't need my hand tightly held.

So is it possible to look at this situation more positively? Is it possible then that not having such privileges is for the very reason your therapist has confidence in your ability to manage your mental health?

My therapist and I email between sessions and she has told me that she does not have this kind of contact with her other clients.

I don't feel like she cares more about me than her other clients. We have ruptures frequently and our relationship is not easy and often not very warm.

Email contact can illustrate many things in a therapeutic relationship, it is not necessarily an indicator of how much your therapist cares.

[imnotbroken]

I happen to know one of my therapist's clients (childhood friend, but I haven't seen or talked to her in ages). Found out they know each other on social media, they share an interest in running and the client apparently has given T tips on running. That made me a little jealous, since they have that in common and I don't seem to have anything.

Is it possible that the client needs more support than you, if the therapist is doing that for them?

I’ve never had therapist say they were only doing something just for me or had a certain kind of relationship with me that they did not have with other clients while in therapy.

If the therapist does something only with one client and tells themtheyonly do it with them I would imagine the expectation of the client is to think that will be the same next week next year or five years from now. It could be the therapist tried it with them, and the next day, next month, or the next year they use the technique it with other clients because there maybe a benefit for those clients as well. I imagine a lot of clients get hurt when they are no longer the only one. Maybe it is best that the therapist say you are the first client I am doing this with, or have tried this with, no? This may save some hurt feelings.

[stopdog]

I would not believe a therapist who told me I was the only anything.

[fille_folle]

If I were the therapist, I would assume you weren't interested in text or email contact since you turned down scheduled check-ins. However, I understand how this is all upsetting anyway. I would feel hurt and rejected if that happened to me.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by whispershadow

Is it possible that the client needs more support than you, if the therapist is doing that for them?

In my case this is exactly why I get different than others. I'd spiral without the added support. I've got next to none in my life

[Sheffield]

I appreciate how these differences in perceived privileges between clients can be very upsetting BUT we can never know what the true content of a t's relationship in the therapy room with another is so it's seems self defeating to focus on the things we know that may be different most of which occur outside of the therapy space e.g. Emails/phone calls/length and number of texts allowed etc
My t always bear hugs me and I was told at first meeting that he does NOT hug clients-it just became a natural progression at the end of sessions-it doesn't make me feel special it's just what works safely for BOTH of us-I think we have to accept that a t has other clients with whom they develop different relationships which wax and wane terminate have different emphasis etc and the pain from perceived unfairness cannot surely be lessened by pushing someone for more contact/a hug etc -it would make me feel very unempowered and the relationship even less authentic