Things we do when we are triggered.

Im so stupid.

I have been working with T on when I have the binge & purge part triggered to write an experiment. To write down what I notice, what I feel, things I try. I have been good with fighting that part and not partaking in that maladaptive behavior but last night it hit me like a ton of bricks and I by passed the experiment and went right to the binging and purging.

I was so upset with myself. I didn't know I could hate myself even more than I already do. All I wanted to do was shut down and not think or feel so I combined some benzo's with muscle relaxants to shut me down and sleep through the night (it did not work anyway. I as up twice last night feeling like crap).

Anyway T wants me to journal him(and I like to journal him it feels good) when this happens so I did and i mentioned the meds like an idiot. I was not going to tell him any of this as it is embarrassing to talk about. 9pm my phone is ringing and it is him. I was scared he would not believe me I was fine and it was just a low dose of each. I need to learn how to lie through admission more often but I feel like I fight several different parts in me. One that really wants help and caring and another that wants us to be left to our misery.

Well it is morning. I feel like crap, I feel stupid, I am not triggered anymore and look back on the situation and think why I could not behave like a damn adult. Why did I need to partake in that disgusting behavior anyway. I am fine right now at 6 am in the morning. There was a thread of embarrassing things to talk about and this is definitely one of the topics that is so shameful for me to talk about.

EDs suck. I battle with anorexia but I have struggled with b/p before and really understand the self loathing. I wish I was in the US. I'd happily let you text or something when you're really struggling to fight the urge. PM me though if you ever want to talk.

I'm sorry you woke up feeling so bad, shame is a terrible emotion to feel. It seems like a good thing to me that part of you wanted help and caring, and told him the truth, and he called you at 9pm and you did get that care. That feels like a positive part of the story.

I'm sure your T would see these behaviors as something you're suffering from and are obviously not to blame for. I was thinking eating disorders are pretty common so I googled and this popped up from a very large British study:

That says to me it's common and it's sometimes a result of abuse in childhood, and I would think that's more how a T would think of it. That this is something you suffer from, not a "stupid" thing you do. I hope he can help you feel less shame or embarrassment.