[Tbhimscared]

I saw T today and had one of the most painful sessions I've ever had. She introduced the idea that maybe I should see someone else. I don't really remember the reasons she gave for this- I was too shocked. She mentioned feeling stuck and that she didn't think things were helping me and that I might be better with someone else, so she asked me if that was something I had thought of too. I briefly thought about it but that was very early on when I didn't quite trust her. My issues that come up in therapy are my fears of abandonment, feeling like a burden and feeling that there is no hope for me. She said that I don't have to see someone else, that it was just a thought she had and she wouldn't have an issue with referring me out. I feel like she has given up on me and my fears are coming true. We somewhat moved on from the topic a bit towards the end of the session but as soon as I left her office I started to cry and couldn't stop. I don't know what to do or how I should feel about this.

[fille_folle]

Oh gosh, that sounds really painful. Does your T know about your fear of abandonment? I'm glad she's not insisting or unwilling to continue seeing you - I think it's horrible when therapists unilaterally terminate. How are you feeling towards her now?

[Tbhimscared]

I mentioned it a few months ago and I brought it up again recently. I trusted her (didn't trust my last T) but now I think this has broken that trust.

[mostlylurking]

I'm so sorry. She may feel that she's obligated ethically to offer you a referral if she doesn't feel there is substantial or clear progress, but often they don't seem to understand how long it can take to establish trust. It is progress to establish a relationship and trust and rapport. Maybe it would help to write her a letter, as it might be hard to talk about something so incredibly hurtful?

[Tbhimscared]

That’s a really great point, thanks. I couldn’t talk about anything with my last T, so yes even though I’m struggling to try things she’s asked me to try that might help, I at least trust her and have been more open with her than anyone in my life. I don’t know what her intentions were, because maybe it was an ethics thing and thinks I would make more progress with someone else or maybe she simply wanted to give me an out in case I was trying to terminate therapy myself (I really struggled to end it with last T). I don’t know how I’ll be able to bring any of this up when I see her next, I don’t want to have to face her

[velcro003]

Ughhhh...this is like my worst nightmare of a session! I couldn't even tell you how often I've told my T that she is probably ready to give up on me. I am hopeless, and forever in a stuck place. I swear therapy is just swimming around the same drain over and over...and yet, she continuously reassures me that she isn't going anywhere. As long as I find value in coming, she will be there. Even though I left session on Monday feeling completely defeated and hopeless, she still told me that she will be there next week.

I have the same fears as you: of being a burden, of being hopeless, of staying stuck. I am so sorry your T brought that up. I would have panicked and taken it the same way as you have, but I do also see that maybe your T brought it up as an ethical issue. She doesn't want you to feel strung along if you don't feel like you are getting any value as a client.

Do you think you could go back next week and tell her that this conversation really upset you? That you fear she wants to be rid of you, and has given up on you? I know how terribly scarey that is, but it might clarify the situation for you. If you have access to e-mail, maybe e-mail your thoughts? That is what I would do, because I would be too scared to directly bring it up.

[nottrustin]

It sounds like she is still willing to work with you just checking in and where you are at.

T mentioned the same thing once and something similar in a couple of occasions. Both times it felt like rejection. However we discussed it and ahe agreed that or wasn't needed. We discussed other options.

[Tbhimscared]

I really want to reach out but now I’m afraid that I’m even more of a burden to her. I’m scared that she’ll be mad at me, or terminate immediately. I feel like she was hinting at me being too attached to therapy (probably true) so I don’t want to seem even more attached and unable to survive on my own without it. Ugh why did this have to happen..!!

[velcro003]

How long have you been seeing this T, TBH? Overall, how do you feel she has helped you?

This is hard, because our fears overwhelm us, and nothing else seems possible, but do you think it is possible for you to work this out with T, or do you think you really should quit?

Sorry this happened TBH
I think that your t was checking in with you if therapy is actually helping you anymore. Somebody else said that ts are ethically obliged to offer alternative help if they cannot help anymore or you are beyond her skill set and training.

How do you feel your relationship with her is? Maybe she feels like she was only checking in, and didn’t realise the anxiety and hurt this caused. If you have a good relationship I think that this could be worthwhile exploring with her. I think she would want to hear from you, an email or text and would be glad to see you reaching out- if you were able.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Oh hugs. That's hard. Even if it's just because she's trying to be a responsible therapist, it sounds like that stepped right into a lot of your fears.

Have you ever talked about your therapy goals? It might be a discussion that could open the door to letting your t know the kinds of progress you are making (you've mentioned trusting her and opening up more with her), and what you want to get out of therapy, and then possibly into wondering what she's seeing that makes her feel as though things are stuck, and how that brings up your fears.

[here today]

Do you think the therapy with this T is stuck, too? If so, can you say what things seem stuck?

[Mini2018]

I had a therapist a few years back that, when I saw her, I felt like I was wasting her time. They turned into what felt like chat sessions where it was like 90% of the time i was talking and she was just catching up on my life. She'd mention a few things I could do different, but I'd always walk out drained.

After some time, I told her I felt like I needed a plan, some structure, rather than running out of time because I was filling her in. It was soon after that she admitted she didn't really know how else to help, but that me opening up and talking was therapeutic. I sought out another T.

When finding a new therspist, I now ask, right from the start, i want a plan.Although tough building the repor again, I'm glad I did change therapists. A few times. I've finally found one that i feel like an equal with. Each session I try to take one sentence away with me. Last time it was how to successfully "park" a conversation.

My point..... Therapists aren't friends. They can be, but its not their primary role. They're paid to help in the most friendliest of ways, to work with you, be a support and a go to. If your not getting those type of vibes from your therapist, talk to them about it. As much as we'd love them to, they can't read minds, which means we have to tell them what we want from therapy, the way it makes us feel, and a plan.

I'll probably get beaten for my comments, but you find a good councilor, yes, they'll make you cry or laugh, but you'll also realize how much time and money you've wasted just to have someone listen and not help. If your continually, visit after visit still feeling like a waste of their time, then they're not doing their job.

[Tbhimscared]

Thanks for all of the support everyone <3 I’ve been seeing her for almost a year now and she’s helped me make it through really dark patches that have come up. I think we both feel stuck, and I can be resistant to change because I’m afraid. I don’t know if I would do better with a different T, I don’t know if what we talk about has been helpful. But I know that I feel safer being in therapy than not going at all and I don’t have a strong support system outside of therapy.

[SalingerEsme]

I have a strong feeling about this, and it is that your T 's responsibility is to stay the course with you unless she is beyond over her head, and she is also responsible to know the anguish it might create to bring up referring you elsewhere even then. To me, it is like an ultimatum of some kind, a rupture , a risk to you- all kinds of things less you are a danger to her or yourself- to bring this up suddenly with no warning. I am sorry this happened, and your reaction makes complete sense.

[mostlylurking]

I agree with Esme, I think she has a duty to stick with you. Given your particular fears, perhaps it would normally take a year to establish enough trust that you could begin delving deeper into things -- well then, you shouldn't be bounced around to try this T or that T for 8-10 months at a time, because you're never getting to the place of trust that's needed.

She's really done you a harm I think, in bringing this up when you had not brought it up yourself, and you have fears of abandonment. But my guess is she made this mistake out of a sense of ethical obligation (some sort of guidelines). Because they have a conflict of interest of sorts -- they get paid when we see them -- they may err on the side of offering to refer us out or suggesting that we stop. To try to compensate for the fact that keeping us as clients means more money for them, which could cloud their thinking in theory. This doesn't excuse the fact that this feels like a big mistake on her part, for a client who has the fears of abandonment and worries about being a burden that you have -- I am so sorry. It seems like a very hurtful mistake.

[Tbhimscared]

I think I’ll try to bring it up when I see her next. But now that this has been brought up I don’t even want to go back, I want to hide away and pretend I never started seeing her in the first place. I feel like when I go back and if I keep seeing her I won’t want to open up and work on things because of my fear that it could end at any time. And maybe she doesn’t realize how harmful this could be- she might not see that it could be interpreted as rejection and abandonment.
I’m really not sure what to do here, but I don’t think I can reach out to her (email) so I guess I’ll have to wait until my next appointment

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I think I’ll try to bring it up when I see her next. But now that this has been brought up I don’t even want to go back, I want to hide away and pretend I never started seeing her in the first place. I feel like when I go back and if I keep seeing her I won’t want to open up and work on things because of my fear that it could end at any time. And maybe she doesn’t realize how harmful this could be- she might not see that it could be interpreted as rejection and abandonment.

I’m really not sure what to do here, but I don’t think I can reach out to her (email) so I guess I’ll have to wait until my next appointment

I remember in my training we had one tutor who insisted that by bringing on ruptures we would deepen the work. I remember at the time and even now it makes the hairs in the back of my neck stand up!
I don’t agree with this practice but I am wondering if your t was trying to cause a rupture so you could work it out or maybe not. This tutor t, said there was always a risk that clients would leave but it was worth the risk. Btw, I don’t believe any of this and think it causes unnecessary pain.
I think she would see that this would be interpreted as abandonment and rejection. How could you not see that.
Would you feel comfortable enough to explore this with her, her motivations behind suggesting it? It does seem like there is some strong counter transference from her. It’s not easy to explore this unless you feel comfortable with her and she won’t get defensive.