What to do when your T is not available?

Oh okay, sorry for the confusion!

I would just do all 3 too.

I agree that you know your T best. I can't think of a time when my T told me not to talk about something or to wait to talk about it, so I'm not sure how I would respond in this situation. I guess maybe do what you would usually do. I do think you've struggled a lot in the past with assuming your T is upset or likely to respond negatively, and it's always been okay before, right? So my guess is that you'll get this smoothed over as soon as you two can communicate normally again.

Yeah. You're probably right. It's just hard sitting on feelings. And it's hard when you had a T who left you. Ex-T still affects my relationship with my T. But current T and I have quickly worked through every issue so far. I guess that's why it's bothering me too: she's never told me to not talk about something.

I'm still struggling. Part of me doesn't even want to write her. I'm mad at her for putting off resolving our problem and making me sit with my feelings for 3 weeks. I was ready to let her go! And now out of spite I want to let her go. It feels like she doesn't care.

But on the other hand, I can only imagine what she is going through. I don't know why, but I have it stuck in my mind that it's either her dog died, one of her parents died, or she had a miscarriage. I know, none of my business. But I worry. I really do care about her, but I'm struggling to put my emotions aside. And it seems like a trap. I was thinking I was putting too much pressure on her, yet now that she needs space, I feel I have no choice but to distance myself.

This is so hard for me!

Here's what I've written so far:
T,
I'm just writing to let you know that I can't really write. You asked me to not talk about the misunderstanding, yet that is the very thing bothering me. You have never restricted me from talking about something. It's really hard to sit with these feelings. It feels like punishment.

I'm miss you. I'm hurting. I'm worried about you. I'll leave it at that. Just know I'm trying my hardest to respect you.

Scarlett

I think what you wrote sounds good, actually. Maybe let it sit for a bit before sending it.

I also like what you wrote. Will your T answer you what happened in her life if you ask? When my T cancelled a big trip, she told me why. Also, long ago when I guessed about her divorce, she confirmed that I was correct. If something affects your therapy, I think you have the right to know but of course a T can think and act differently.

I like what you wrote it's from you and im sure she will like it and nothing wrong with letting her know your struggiling thats part of being in therapy.

Do you journal? If I were in your shoes that's what I would be doing. Do you think that would be helpful? And then you can share the journal in person to respect your T's boundary while still dealing with the emotions you're feeling right now?

No, my T probably won't answer if I ask. But she did say she'll hopefully tell me one day. Don't know what that means.

I'm supposed to journal, but only about positive things. Nothing negative. I obsess over the negative things if I journal about them.

This is just so hard for me. I would be fine if we didn't have our misunderstanding. The timing is just really bad. It hurts that she won't try to make things better now. I have sat with this for almost a week. Two more is unfair. And normally she would suggest a phone call, but she didn't even do that! And I can't see her sooner due to the way we schedule and an upcoming vacation of hers. If I saw her sooner, the next time I could see her would be 4 weeks, and I'm trying to avoid 4 weeks.

Then I would write a letter with your feelings and emotions and give it to her at your next session and frame it that you wanted to respect her boundaries but it was too overwhelming to just sit with them which is the truth.

I think I should still email her. If I don't, it might seem like I'm punishing her by not talking to her (though it is something that I kind of want to do). Or manipulating her into taking care of my feelings (tempting too). I feel like I need to write just to put her at ease. I hope that makes sense.

But... I'll think about writing her a letter to read when I see her. It's a good idea and might help. But it might also make me obsess. We'll see.

I wrote T. Didn't get too nice of a response. She said I could write about my thoughts and feelings about the misunderstanding, but she won't respond until she sees me. She's never been like this. I'm so full of anxiety, I've actually broken out in hives. I'm so mad at her. I wrote her back. We'll see what her response is, hopefully today.

Hi just a friend,

I disagree with you, but I can empathise in a big way.

My husband works as a co-manager for a company that provides supported living accommodation for those with fairly severe mental health issues, and he's on call half the time. Staff and tenants would call all hours, and two thirds of the time if I'd overhear the phone conversations I'd think, "Could this REALLY not have waited till morning?" People would call at 1am to say the boiler's broken and what should they do. Or that someone was watching porn in the privacy of their own room, and what should they do?

I never minded my husband being called out for genuine emergencies, but more often than not it seemed our time was being intruded on for no good reason. So I get it. I get it.

But at the end of the day, how my husband deals with with work is on him. He'd set boundaries that it was OK to call him anytime, so people did. So if a therapist sets boundaries and tells the client it's OK to talk to them, it's not on the client to guess whether that's true or not.

My husband had to be the one to change the boundaries. When we got to the fourth month of not having had a weekend to ourselves I told my husband it was too much -- and he changed. He will cut conversations very short if there's no emergency and he will be very clear with his staff when they've called him unecessarily. If someone is calling past 10pm, it better damn well be a real life and death crisis.

My husband now has boundaries that work for his job and for his family. But that was never on his tenants and staff to figure out.

So if Scarlet has a standing agreement with her therapist to email Sundays, it's OK for her to email. It's not Scarlet's job to guess.

I'm sorry your dad didn't manage this in a way that was more balanced with your needs. I am often taken aback by the level of outside contact therapists allow on this forum -- there is no way I'd be OK with tenants calling my husband while we were on holiday, for example.

So Ts response was positive and really reassuring. She also offered a phone call to try to resolve this some before I see her next. Part of me wants the phone call to get even more reassurance, but the other part of me thinks the most recent email is satisfying enough to last me for at least another week. H says to do the phone call. I don't know what to do.

I just woke up from a horrible dream where T leaves me (and so does my H). I was crying so hard in the dream that I think it caused a headache. T didn't really sau anything in the dream. She kept choking up. Supposedly I did something to disappoint her.

I think this is just my fears about tomorrow playing in my mind. My T said she's not leaving me... multiple times. But the fear is so great. And the dream worries me. I don't think I've ever dreamed about T before.

I'm planning on sending this to my T tonight:

T,
I know I've written too much. But I've been keeping this in and more for 3 weeks! I'm hurting. I wrote because I'm not sure I'll be able to clearly get everything out in person.

I'm very scared to see you tomorrow. I've had so much anxiety the past 3 weeks. I'm even having horrible dreams about you leaving me. I don't want to be, but I am mad, frustrated, disappointed. Mostly it's because you left me to sit with my feelings for 3 weeks! The disappointed part is that you didn't reach out, but that might be too high of an expectation for you even when you don't have something going on. I don't think we are going to resolve this tomorrow. I think we're going to have a difference of opinion. See, you said "From my perspective it helps having you have attachments with other people. There is less pressure on me." Less pressure. In order for there to be less pressure, there had to be pressure in the first place. You also said "And I've explained before some of my discomfort with being a sole support person." That hurts. So I make you uncomfortable.

Just to clarify: if you're okay with it, I'm okay being open to other attachments. I just worry that I'll be "cheating" on you. I feel the same way when I talk to you about ex-T. Anyways, even if you're okay with me being attached to others, I don't know if it's right to have attachments to other non-mental health professionals. And if it is, what do I do with my feelings? Pdoc told me to ignore them.

I try very hard to depend on you as little as possible. And you know you're not my only support. I have H, and somewhat support from my family, the forums, and my other doctors. Yes, it's not the same as when ex-Pdoc was around, but it's not my fault she left and it's not my fault I don't have a strong attachment to Pdoc. I tried groups. I liked one, but after she had her baby, I never saw her advertise for the group again. And it's too far now anyways. I tried other groups, but they just didn't work out. I try to limit my emails. I don't have many crises anymore. I haven't cut in 3 years. My suicidal thoughts have been greatly reduced. I've done pretty good distancing out the sessions.

And by the way, from what I quoted from you earlier, then you said "I didn't suggest that you need more supports, I don't think that." If I'm putting pressure on you, and you feel discomfort by being my "sole" support person, then why wouldn't you want me having more support.

It wasn't fair to make me sit with these feelings for so long. I did it, yes. You asked me to. And the fact I did it shows that I do try real hard not to put pressure on you. But it still wasn't fair. Weekly clients would get to deal with their problems in a week. Twice a month would get to every 2 weeks. I had to sit for 3! And in most relationships (from what I know), people try to resolve the issues as soon as possible, unless they choose to hold onto their anger.

Is it my fault that I'm so attached to you? Is there anything I'm doing wrong? I try to stay within your boundaries. I try to respect you. I really do care. I wouldn't have given you some space if I didn't, though I probably should have given you more. But it's hard. You're my therapist. I talk to you about my problems. My problem was with you. I'm supposed to talk to you. But you needed space. That's fair. But by doing that, my anxiety grows. and you said "I just can't respond to explain things until we're in person". That's not fair! You were punishing for "misunderstanding" you.

See I still feel like this is a rupture. I really feel like this could end things for us. I have never ever wanted to be a burden to you. I really do care, but I don't know if things can be fixed. To be honest, it sounds broken. Almost like you've been carrying around a lot of resentment. I don't think I can change to be less dependent on you. Not right now. So if I'm too much for you, tell me. The only thing I can do is leave you. Like I said before, I don't want to. But I will if that's what you need/want.

Scarlett

T thank me for expressing myself and said that it will be helpful when we meet. She sounded positive. But I'm still afraid. I didn't get any encouragement or reassurance

So everything went ok. The first thing my T told me was that everything was ok and she wasn't going to leave me. Basically my T told me to ignore all the emails from the past 3 weeks. She said her situation really affected her. That yes, I was a burden at that time, but so was everyone and everything. She said I'm not a burden to her. She doesn't feel pressured by me most the time, except to say the right things sometimes. She said she mentioned "less pressure" as a reference to the past. She said in the beginning, she felt a lot of pressure because she didn't know me and I had a history of suicide and SH. But now that she knows me, she doesn't worry about me as much. But she does worry a little more than a client who doesn't have my history.

We talked about my attachments to people. She said it's completely normal to have attachments to people, animals, and even things. I asked her if I was too attached to her. She said I'm more attached than most her clients. But it's not the level of attachment that matters. It's what you do with your feelings. Do you respect the person and their boundaries, or do you stalk them, bother them? She said you can be the most attached to a person, but if you respect them, the level doesn't matter.

About my attachments to my doctors. She thinks that it's okay for me to tell them I like them and feel attached to them. Again, she just told me to respect their boundaries. And she told me that if I feel like they're mad at me, to talk to her, not them. She said that's a reaction to my fear of abandonment.

I'm so relieved that everything is ok!