Your body language in therapy

Something that I have been thinking about lately, is my body language/eye contact in therapy. My T has told me that she has never had another client who hides/never makes eye contact, and also never feels better after leaving her office (lol).

With every T I ever have seen, I have always sat as far away as from them as the couch has allowed, and always used a pillow on my lap. In my current therapy, it is much the same, but I feel like maybe it has devolved some. I think I feel the most comfortable with this T, so I basically show her how I am feeling with my body language.

Anyway--how is it for you?

I sat in exactly the same spot in exact the middle of the woman's horrible horrible couch for 6 years and I sat with my left ankle over my right knee. I never touched anything. If the cushions were askew - I simply sat on the edge. A couple of times I brought in my own chair because the woman had no chair for clients. I did not look directly at the woman unless I was angrier than usual with her idiocy. I never left her office feeling better from having interacted with her. I thought that was usual that clients left more bewildered and upset than they came in as. Leaving feeling better (other than that the ordeal was finished) is something I never experienced.

I am quite sure I give off a very strong I-don’t-wanna-be-here vibe (confirmed by pretty much all of them). I look at them some of the time and around their office the rest of the time. Sometimes I will hold a pillow and pick at the threads if one is available.

I hide. I curl up in the farthest corner of her sofa and make a barricade of throw pillows around me. It's like my own little fortress where I can hide. The more worked up I am, the more pillows I use. I avoid eye contact and counts books on the bookshelf instead. My hands are constantly moving, either tugging on my sleeves, using my fidget cube, drawing/coloring, or playing with the pillows....sitting still is not an option. I used to constantly feel ready to run but thankfully that has passed, now I'm ok with just hiding.

It took my T a longgggg time to believe that i actually wanted to be there, because I gave off such a "i dont' want to be here" vibe. It didn't help that I was (still am?) uncertain that therapy can help me--but that didn't have anything to do with her specifically. As recently as probably 5 months ago, I said out loud to her that I did like coming. She was surprised. Ha.
Good to know I am not the only one! Do you know if there is a specific reason(s) you hide?

I'm usually pretty aware of the message that my body language is sending, but don't try to conceal it.
He has two armchairs, no couch. I pick the armchair that's closer to him, only because the two chairs are angled a bit towards the center of the room and so the chair I use is slightly facing towards the door and is further away from it, whereas in the other chair I'd have more of my back to the door.
We've never discussed this and I think it would be weird to mention, but any time I'm picking where to sit I feel safer when I don't have my back to the door.

If we're talking about something that isn't emotionally charged for me, like work, I'm generally leaning slightly forward. My legs are usually crossed because that's how I almost always sit (I hate the sight of my thighs when I look down and they're uncrossed...). I make a normal amount of eye contact and keep my head up. I'm always playing with my fidget toy, but I'm not looking at it.

When I'm talking about something that I feel ashamed about, like any emotions, I stare at the carpet in the center of the room. If the shame isn't too strong, I'll sometimes look up at him while he's talking. If the shame is stronger I won't even look at him at all.

I've been trying to look at him more to see the commission on his face, but it almost feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't do, like I shouldn't be allowing myself to have that.

When the shame is stronger, I'll look further away from him, like at the bottom of the bookshelf on the other side of the room or stare intently at the fidget toy in my hands. I tend to curl in more on myself as well. Once or twice I've actually turned away within the chair and hidden my face in my shoulder. And, as I've mentioned in a few other threads, last session I sat on the floor hiding behind my chair so he couldn't see me at all.

Maybe next time I should bring a pop up tent that I can crawl inside and hide.

I suspect that it has something to do with a fear of being seen by my T. I feel safer if I can blend in to my surroundings.

My body language is in congruence with my emotional state meaning, when I am ...

• feeling shy it is clear I want to look at T and want to hide, my head is tucked into my shoulder while I sneak looks at her.
• joking, I look at her a lot.
• angry, I rarely look at her and I cinch down, holding myself firmly in place, locking my jaw closed and hands squeezed together.
• embarrassed, I look at and talk to the floor (I do this a lot) and often move some body part.

...and so on.

These days I sit exclusively on the floor with her also on the floor. Our feet are fairly close to each other when our legs are extended and we both take great care not to touch legs when moving. When I sit on the couch, I mostly sit leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. This makes it easier to just look at the floor between my feet.

When things are really bad, I'll sit in a corner. I like to sit in the corners when scared.

My T has several pillows of different sizes, I have never used them to hide behind. I've taken in a blanket that I will drape over my lap and pet. I have also taken in a massaging ball (has pointy tips) that I will spin in my hands when I am really angry and I want to talk about it but do not think I can stay calm enough to talk.

Eye contact is tough and can be very intense for some people. I noticed though that my T doesn't always keep eye contact when she is the one talking, so that helped me feel less conscious about my lack of eye contact when talking about non-stressful things. I have noticed that having those moments of eye contact is very valuable for me in terms of feeling emotionally held and loved. Sometimes I think I don't want to let her be that close to me so I won't look at her. For me eye contact goes beyond just her, I don't do eye contact very well and even when I look at people towards their face, I often am looking at their mouth, ear, or through their eyes and not at/in their eyes.

Currently, I sit in the middle of the couch, mostly because on the far right where I used to always sit during the first year, there's a pillow and teddy bear (well now 2 teddy bears). She recently got this big, fluffy-soft pillow that I pull over into the middle and lean back into while we're talking. (I didn't on Thursday for some reason and she kept asking me if I was comfortable, she even asked if the couch was getting worn out and wondered if she needed a new one!) I usually sit with my legs crossed at my ankles. Rarely I lay down (when she drums for me).

Eye contact was harder during year one. But pretty much since she's been back in town, we maintain eye contact for most of the time, except occasionally one or both of us will close our eyes. She'll close hers when I'm reading a dream, for instance. Or sometimes after we've been working particularly deeply we'll both take a couple minutes to just sit there and "be" with our eyes closed. But for most of the time while we're talking we're maintaining eye contact, with me briefly looking away at the sand tray shelves or out a window or something because it can feel pretty intense.

Awhile back probably a year or so ago I really have no concept anymore of the time, she brought in a table that she put between the couch and her chair. It's actually a bench she said, but it works as a narrow coffee table kind of thing. It still meant that she moved her chair farther away from the couch. I've never liked that. I appreciate that she told me the story of the bench (it was hers when she was little and she used to stand on it and think she could fly if she jumped off) but I still hate that it means she sits farther away. I've never told her that. But I digress.

I struggle with making eye contact with people for extended amounts of time like for an entire conversation (except for her) because of my stupid lazy eye. It wanders and I know it and I know how freaky it looks because sometimes I catch it doing that when I'm looking in a mirror or in photographs. I guess she got used to it, and I stopped worrying about it with her. I'm digressing again. Sorry.

I sit at the end of the couch opposite the chair she sits in.

I mostly make eye contact. I put my hand over my face or rub the bridge of my nose if I think I am going to cry.

I don't fiddle with the pillow, but when I am distressed, I will notice that I am wringing my hands. Sometimes I hold my coffee or grab a tissue and wad it into a tiny shreddy ball while I talk.

I sometimes feel better when I leave, and sometimes feel overwhelmed.

I sit on the sofa directly across from my T. I cross my legs, and I'm sure that my body language looks extremely tense. I look around the room a lot, usually only at him while he's talking. I fidget a lot, but I never touch the pillows or hold anything in my hands. I shake or tap my foot.

My T has never mentioned my body language, but he must notice how uncomfortable I am every time.

I am careful to not look nervous because I don’t want them to write that down. I’ve seen my psychiatrist’s recorded notes which made me realize they are watching for “signs” of various things, which I found upsetting because some of it was misinterpreted.

I act as normal as I can, whatever that is, no matter how I’m feeling, whenever I see the pdoc or the t.

I fiddle with the tissue box. I look at, I try and get it lined up with the edge of the table.
T says the box represents us. In examing us, I'm trying to get us in line.

I hunch over a lot in therapy, leaning forward with my hands on my knees. Eye contact is still hard, but I think I'm getting there. I know I don't appear to be comfortable, but that's more because of the subject matter than anything to do with her/our relationship.

I would take my shoes off, put my knees up in my chair and use my cardigan as a blanket on top.

My T only has a chair for clients. When I first started seeing him I'd sit upright, either with both feet on the floor or crossing my legs. I'd look at him maybe twice a session or so, mostly I'd look at the walls and floors.

When I started feeling more comfortable, I started lying down. Meaning I have my head on the arm rest of the chair, and at first I'd just stretch my legs into some weird position, now I mostly just take my shoes off and have my feet plus legs on the chair as well. Although this is hurting my neck, I might ask next time whether I can switch to sitting on the floor.

Eye contact progressed from looking at him twice a session to not looking at him unless he asks me to. This happens about once a session, and sometimes when we say good bye. Except for those moments I either stare at his feet, the floor or I close my eyes.

As for other body language, I rarely use my hands to gesture, wave around and what not. If I feel uncomfortable I show that very openly (holding my knees, or curling up even more, shacking when I feel scared, whatever you can think of I probably do). If I am not interested in something or if it's a topic that is easy to talk about, I usually look at my legs and either play with the fabric of my pants or draw shapes around my scars with my finger nails.

The whole time I sit across from my therapist I am tensed up. Shoulders raised, feet flat, stomach feeling like it's being pulled apart, eyes wide open and my lips feeling annoyingly dry. I don't shift around in the chair, but neither do I ever relax into it. For the first 5-10 minutes I'll be experiencing adrenaline shakes, mainly in the hands. Depending on the topic they sometimes return later in the session.

If I've brought notes or a book I will hold them the whole time and constantly fidget with them. My eyes constantly dart around, looking anywhere but at my therapist. I do try to make eye contact, but I can't maintain it longer than half a second or so before I look away.

I find it to be really annoying that I can't calm the body down. Even if mentally I feel at ease, the body doesn't seem to care and will do it's own thing. We've tried a lot of techniques in our sessions to try to deal with that, since I look like nervous Sylvester from Looney Tunes during them, but so far there haven't been any huge strides made.

The greater part of our non-verbal communication conveys especially on an oblivious level. I live in Australia, where I have been rehearsing hypnotherapy and advising, and have finished the investigation of Color treatment, NLP and Acupressure to widen my abilities.

Just had to comment that I love this comparison! Pretty sure I look like that, too--once I said something to T about my body language and he said how it was obvious that I was anxious. I asked which part of my body language suggested that, and he replied, "Pretty much all of it." Way to make me feel less self-conscious! At times I'm more relaxed in there lately, if we're discussing a less stressful topic (will post a longer, separate analysis of my body language in there, just wanted to respond to nervous Sylvester!)

I seldom leave feeling good, so I can relate to you on that. But as for hiding, not so much. Until recently, when I injured my back, I sat on the couch across from her. Now I sit in a chair, but she made a point of moving her own chair away from it when I sat down in it the first couple of times, which made me feel diseased. Last time, she sat on the couch, which is even further away. So her body language seems to be saying that she is repulsed by me.

I always saw Sylvester as pretty confident.

I am a combination of wanting to be as physically close to T as I can get, and pulling away from her. I sit directly across from her on the couch and I usually like to look at her directly. My eye contact has never been so great, but since we've worked on being present, I'm better. She tells me when she thinks I am looking through her instead of at her. I've always loved her eyes and smile, and I feel good when I can be totally present.

On the other hand, I fidget like crazy when I'm anxious, usually at the beginning of every session. T also comments on how I am holding my breath, not breathing, so we work on that. My T is attuned to body language because of her being a somatic experiencing and EMDR practitioner.

oh yes, shoes come off right away. i wear slip-ons, so it is easy, and i sit cross-legged or with my knees up.
glad i am not alone on that! i wonder why she moved too? i highly doubt it is bc she finds you repulsive.
my T has pointed out when i am really anxious that i am barely breathing.

I always spent the first 5-10 minutes shaking and being literally unable to speak(I could try but no sound would come out) or hear because of the pounding in my ears.

There isn’t much space — Blondie’s office is small and has way too much furniture by my reckoning.

I take my shoes off outside the door (she found it weird at first but whatever), sit on the floor (she sits on her chair), on the farthest end possible from her.

She’s commented that I tend to sit (knees drawn up) as if I’m curled up into a fetal ball but yeah, that’s what usually feels most comfortable.

If I think she’s being dense or is giving me comments that are irritating and tone-deaf or I have really painful stuff to say, I don’t look at her but look straight ahead. If she’s being fairly attuned and I’m not processing some super heavy duty stuff, I’m okay looking at her as we talk.

For me eye contact can shift with topics; when I was doing trauma work directly I'd shift my gaze away from him. When I dissociated, I did this in a way he came to accurately read as dissociating. This doesn't happen anymore, as along with my dissociation, other PTSD symptoms have disappeared almost entirely.

Now I notice that I do shift my gaze away from him when I reference a past trauma. I am not bothered by it; just the way it is.

I like the chairs in what is T's 4th office since I've known him. The sides come up high and it feels comfortable when I sit, usually my left leg crossed over my right. In the past I have fiddled with a pillow on my lap or my own fingers, but now I mostly clutch the cup of tea I've made with the Keurig in the waiting room. I think it makes up for the jigglies that I might do when sitting.