[maybeblue]

This is long and possibly triggering

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but it has been really stressful. I have always been a little nervous about new doctors and for that matter new therapists. I expect this started when I was a kid and my doctor called me “fat” every time I went into see him. It got much, much worse after I was abused by a doctor. It was during a gynecological exam and it was not only scary, it was very painful. However, that was over 20 years ago and I had gotten it mostly under control. I could see a new doctor, explain the problem, get help and leave. I might be a little nervous, but nothing unusual.

That all changed on March 29th. I had some bloody diarrhea after food poisoning. My regular doctor is on medical leave, so I saw the new male nurse practitioner at her office. It started out somewhat combative when he mentioned cancer within the first 2 minutes of being in there. It just got worse and worse. He decided that he wanted to do a rectal exam. I didn’t know what he was looking for. He said “blood.” I told him that of course there was blood. I was having bloody diarrhea. What crazy sick person would make that up?

I started crying and panicking and he did not notice. I told him about the history of abuse and he just kept pushing. Somehow that I still do not completely understand I let him do the rectal exam. It was like I went into victim mode and the only way I could stay safe was to do whatever he said. Then he insisted that I schedule a colonoscopy because “you could die from this.” When I got there the surgeon said it was an unnecessary referral, but he did it anyway as a “screening” because I was already prepped. Of course it was fine. It was colitis.

Since then I have seen two different nurse practitioners at the same clinic (there is only one in my town). Both were female. Neither did anything invasive. But both times I had panic attacks. They both did some stuff that I didn’t like, but not horrible stuff--things that I would have been able to shrug off before or just say “no” to them...like a medication I didn’t want. These attacks are pretty debilitating and make communication difficult...not to mention they are embarrassing, but I’m just trying to forget about that part. I also have panic attacks when I’m on the phone with the doctor’s office and I sometimes have them when I’m just thinking about it. But no other time.

The thing is, I don’t have panic disorder. I don’t have panic attacks out of the blue. In fact, I’m not sure I have ever had a true panic attack before this other than when I was trying to get a vaginal exam. But since I hadn’t even tried for years, that wasn’t a big problem. But now it is a problem. I have no problem giving blood. I can tolerate the nurse. But the doctor or nurse practitioner set me off. I’m not afraid of being sick. I’m not even afraid of procedures or treatment. I’m afraid of them misdiagnosing me and pushing me into tests or treatment that I don’t understand/want. But I’m afraid that if I say “no” they will be mad at me (why I care I do not know), or that I will be wrong and I really should do the test. They now want me to get an EKG. I don’t think it is necessary. My heart rate and blood pressure are elevated, but I am having frequent panic attacks. I know the test is no big deal, but I’ve read that they can come out “unclear” sometimes and then they will want more tests. I have another appointment with a third doctor for a second opinion on the EKG.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if you have found any type of therapy that works. I don’t really know how to do exposure therapy with this because I’d need a doctor to make that work. And probably more importantly I’d need a doctor who understood, and so far I haven’t found one. I tried hypnosis and it relaxed me at the time, but the post hypnotic suggestion didn't seem to make much difference when the situation came up again.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

This is long and possibly triggering

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but it has been really stressful. I have always been a little nervous about new doctors and for that matter new therapists. I expect this started when I was a kid and my doctor called me “fat” every time I went into see him. It got much, much worse after I was abused by a doctor. It was during a gynecological exam and it was not only scary, it was very painful. However, that was over 20 years ago and I had gotten it mostly under control. I could see a new doctor, explain the problem, get help and leave. I might be a little nervous, but nothing unusual.

That all changed on March 29th. I had some bloody diarrhea after food poisoning. My regular doctor is on medical leave, so I saw the new male nurse practitioner at her office. It started out somewhat combative when he mentioned cancer within the first 2 minutes of being in there. It just got worse and worse. He decided that he wanted to do a rectal exam. I didn’t know what he was looking for. He said “blood.” I told him that of course there was blood. I was having bloody diarrhea. What crazy sick person would make that up?

I started crying and panicking and he did not notice. I told him about the history of abuse and he just kept pushing. Somehow that I still do not completely understand I let him do the rectal exam. It was like I went into victim mode and the only way I could stay safe was to do whatever he said. Then he insisted that I schedule a colonoscopy because “you could die from this.” When I got there the surgeon said it was an unnecessary referral, but he did it anyway as a “screening” because I was already prepped. Of course it was fine. It was colitis.

Since then I have seen two different nurse practitioners at the same clinic (there is only one in my town). Both were female. Neither did anything invasive. But both times I had panic attacks. They both did some stuff that I didn’t like, but not horrible stuff--things that I would have been able to shrug off before or just say “no” to them...like a medication I didn’t want. These attacks are pretty debilitating and make communication difficult...not to mention they are embarrassing, but I’m just trying to forget about that part. I also have panic attacks when I’m on the phone with the doctor’s office and I sometimes have them when I’m just thinking about it. But no other time.

The thing is, I don’t have panic disorder. I don’t have panic attacks out of the blue. In fact, I’m not sure I have ever had a true panic attack before this other than when I was trying to get a vaginal exam. But since I hadn’t even tried for years, that wasn’t a big problem. But now it is a problem. I have no problem giving blood. I can tolerate the nurse. But the doctor or nurse practitioner set me off. I’m not afraid of being sick. I’m not even afraid of procedures or treatment. I’m afraid of them misdiagnosing me and pushing me into tests or treatment that I don’t understand/want. But I’m afraid that if I say “no” they will be mad at me (why I care I do not know), or that I will be wrong and I really should do the test. They now want me to get an EKG. I don’t think it is necessary. My heart rate and blood pressure are elevated, but I am having frequent panic attacks. I know the test is no big deal, but I’ve read that they can come out “unclear” sometimes and then they will want more tests. I have another appointment with a third doctor for a second opinion on the EKG.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if you have found any type of therapy that works. I don’t really know how to do exposure therapy with this because I’d need a doctor to make that work. And probably more importantly I’d need a doctor who understood, and so far I haven’t found one. I tried hypnosis and it relaxed me at the time, but the post hypnotic suggestion didn't seem to make much difference when the situation came up again.

First of all, I'm very very sorry that you are going through this at all, but especially at a time when you're recovering from a serious illness!

Do you feel confident enough to talk to your regular doctor and start back with someone you trust? Is there another health care provider that can help you start on a better path? It sounds like the gyn/Gi stuff is the worst for you. The EKG, if you haven't had it, doesn't feel quite as personal, at least to me, but panic attacks are horrid.

Alternative therapies, like breath work, yoga, and hypnosis have helped me with something similar and might be worth exploring.

[seeker33]

I absolutely feel your pain and you're not alone. I suffer from something very similar. I don't care about possible pain at all. I'm not afraid of being sick ck. I'm absolutely terrified of medical environment and loss of control. It feels to me like when I go there I'll lose control over what happens to me. They may do whatever they want to me and send me to more and more exams..it feels like I'm. Absolutely in their power and can't protect myself.. I'm actually anxious just writing about it now. I haven't been to doctors for 7 years although I did have some issues worth prescription pills but i never went.
I would go to the doctor if it was a robot. That would be totally fine with me. But to trust a human who can be in a bad mood and judge me and have stupid remarks.... I can't do that!

I truly admire you that you are able to face your fear and actually seek medical help despite your panic! You're so brave!!!
I'm sorry I can't answer your question, just wanted to say you're not alone.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

First of all, I'm very very sorry that you are going through this at all, but especially at a time when you're recovering from a serious illness!

Do you feel confident enough to talk to your regular doctor and start back with someone you trust? Is there another health care provider that can help you start on a better path? It sounds like the gyn/Gi stuff is the worst for you. The EKG, if you haven't had it, doesn't feel quite as personal, at least to me, but panic attacks are horrid.

Alternative therapies, like breath work, yoga, and hypnosis have helped me with something similar and might be worth exploring.

Unfortunately my regular doctor has cancer and won't be back for a while. I know I would not be having this problem if she were around. The initial thing would probably have happened because that was a semi-emergency appointment and I had to see who I got. But after that I could have seen her instead of people who don't know me, and so I don't think it would have turned into this full blown phobia.

I don't think I'm sick at all actually...physically. But my blood pressure and heart rate are up and there were two lab errors that we had to get investigated. Then I needed to get my regular meds renewed, and wanted something to help me sleep. So there has been appointment after appointment and test after test. And every single one of them has given me a panic attack. Now I'm starting to have them when I talk on the phone to those guys too. It's so weird.

The EKG itself wouldn't bother me I think. I'm just tired of being pushed into tests that aren't medically necessary and I don't think this one is. I'm going to see one more doctor in hopes of being able to establish a relationship with him and see if he thinks I actually need to have it right now or if I can wait a month or so to calm down.

I'm also going through the process of making a complaint to the hospital. I nearly went to the licensing board but decided to handle it internally. But I want an apology from the guy. My therapist is helping me negotiate that. She has been wonderful.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I absolutely feel your pain and you're not alone. I suffer from something very similar. I don't care about possible pain at all. I'm not afraid of being sick ck. I'm absolutely terrified of medical environment and loss of control. It feels to me like when I go there I'll lose control over what happens to me. They may do whatever they want to me and send me to more and more exams..it feels like I'm. Absolutely in their power and can't protect myself.. I'm actually anxious just writing about it now. I haven't been to doctors for 7 years although I did have some issues worth prescription pills but i never went.
I would go to the doctor if it was a robot. That would be totally fine with me. But to trust a human who can be in a bad mood and judge me and have stupid remarks.... I can't do that!

I truly admire you that you are able to face your fear and actually seek medical help despite your panic! You're so brave!!!
I'm sorry I can't answer your question, just wanted to say you're not alone.

Thank you. This helps me more than you know, because you absolutely understand what it is. It is that loss of control and all of that pressure. I hate it.

I don't know if I am brave as much as I am stubborn and this really has pissed me off. I'm mad at the guy who did this and I'm mad at the hospital who let him, and I'm damn well going to be a pain in their neck until I get over this. The CEO of the hospital knows my name now. I cry every single time I talk to him, which I hate, but he knows I'm not going away.

It was much, much easier when I had a relationship with a doctor. I found one that would listen to me and wouldn't push and it worked really well for years until she got sick.

And one little thing that I did that made me feel much more in control: When you go into the doctor's office the first thing they do is march you over to the scale, no matter why you are there or how long it has been since they have seen you. I hate that. Yes I'm fat. Yes it's medically relevant. But if I have just been there two weeks before, my weight has not changed significantly. It's a stupid ritual with no real meaning.

So I discovered that I could refuse. The nurse is easier to stand up to than the doctor. The first time I did it the nurse got all upset about it like I was committing some horrible sin. But I just said "no, I was just here, you don't need to weigh me." After that I just said "Write down patient refused" and then they leave me alone. Either they remember me or other people do it too because they don't get phased by it anymore. It is amazing how much that little assertion of power helps me feel better.

[SeekerSeeking]

First, I am sorry you had these horrid doctor experiences.

When I read your posts, I think, "Well, OF COURSE, you have panic attacks when confronted with doctors. How could you not?

Just as a suggestions--saying 'no' can always be changed to yes, later, after more thought. Saying yes, and submitting, cannot be changed. So, say, "I'm going to go home and think about it." They'll probably try to change your mind, but put your coat on and leave. Then you can made a decision when you are calm.

[nottrustin]

Sorry you have had these experiences...sounds horrific

I have not personally been the victim of abuse by a medical professional. However, since I don't trust me. I will not see a male Dr. especially an ob/fun.

This is a very common problem so I am sure your T can help you through work through this and maybe come up with a plan.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by SeekerSeeking

First, I am sorry you had these horrid doctor experiences.

When I read your posts, I think, "Well, OF COURSE, you have panic attacks when confronted with doctors. How could you not?

Just as a suggestions--saying 'no' can always be changed to yes, later, after more thought. Saying yes, and submitting, cannot be changed. So, say, "I'm going to go home and think about it." They'll probably try to change your mind, but put your coat on and leave. Then you can made a decision when you are calm.

It sounds easy doesn't it? Believe me I have had hours of conversation with my therapist about this very thing. Why didn't I leave? Why didn't I say "no"? Somehow I couldn't. I simply could not physically leave. I was so terrified. My therapist says that there are actually three responses to fear: fight, flight and freeze. Mice and rabbits will freeze when a predator comes near, if they know they can't out run it--maybe it just won't see them. Somehow my primal mind thought that if I just did what he said I wouldn't have cancer and he wouldn't hurt me.

I know that's part of the reason this has been so hard to get past, and why I have such a fear every time I go to the doctor now. If I couldn't say no to him, how do I know it won't happen again? I don't trust them, but I don't trust me either.

[seeker33]

I'm glad you've found a way to control the situation by refusing to weigh every time. I totally get the embarrassment, as I am fat, too. Always have been. Sometimes I'm ashamed to stand on the scale alone, and definitely don't want a stranger to see the number. It's a bit ridiculous, since obviously they can see me, but you know....:-)
I'm sure refusing that made you feel more in control of the situation and gained you respect.
I wish you all the best!!! Hope you'll learn to manage your anxiety and get all the help you need.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by seeker33

I'm glad you've found a way to control the situation by refusing to weigh every time. I totally get the embarrassment, as I am fat, too. Always have been. Sometimes I'm ashamed to stand on the scale alone, and definitely don't want a stranger to see the number. It's a bit ridiculous, since obviously they can see me, but you know....:-)
I'm sure refusing that made you feel more in control of the situation and gained you respect.
I wish you all the best!!! Hope you'll learn to manage your anxiety and get all the help you need.

My anxiety is some better because after four tries and four panic attacks with four different doctors, I finally found one who isn't an idiot. He agreed with me that the EKG was not medically necessary, which therefore made him right.

It really does seem to be about the relationship for me. If I think they are competent, logical, and listen to me then it's not as bad.

I hope you are able to get any healthcare you need too. If you ever need or want to talk, feel free to PM me.