T, you hurt me. I hate you and you hurt me. :-(

The session went really well up until a certain point. I even held my small teddy. Room #7 was being painted this week so we had to be in another room. He pulled his chair closer to me. We talked about the significance of bringing a comforting transitional object from home-- how there is an element of safety missing in session so I bring that object. It is also in hopes that bringing that obect into the session will allow it to pick up elements from session, thus making it a two-way transitional object. From home to T back to home again. At least that was my theory. I felt pretty comfortable holding it.

I read him the really angry letter. It felt good to speak so freely. We were connecting beautifully.

Then he told me the reason as to why my sessions are going to be on Saturdays from now on. Because he is leaving the psychoanalytic center with the exception of Saturdays. This means that there will be no more possibility of coming 2x per week. This also means that in the event a Saturday session has to be cancelled, there is no possibility of a reschedule because he won't be there. This is effective after December.

I told him that I hated therapy and that I hated him. I told him I was hurt. He kept saying he was sorry for hurting me and that it made him feel so bad. I tossed the teddy back in my bag and said, "I don't want to be a little kid anymore."

I told him how sometimes I need more. How my schedule was changing after the first week of December and I was hoping to come back 2x per week. Now I can't.

I told him that this makes him seem even farther away and more unavailable than ever.

I also told him how this was the evidence of how nothing is ever constant. Yeah he's still there Saturdays, but that's it. Probably quite a few patients had to terminate. I am lucky that I was not one of them. But it's proof that it happens. Maybe in 6 months he'll be done with Saturdays, too.

I feel a loss. Like I'm left alone. Things get really bad sometimes and I need more. Now I can't have more. Nothing is stable. He will leave, I am sure of it.

He said that he wishes that it didn't hurt like like this for me; that he doesn't want me to hurt. But it needs to be experienced in session. He said, "You put the teddy back in the bag to show me how much I hurt you." (Earlier in the session I told him holding the teddy was maybe like holding him).

Earlier in the session, I made an analogy. I said my depression is like the weather. It comes and goes as it pleases and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Just gotta sit around and if it's there, wait for it to leave-- if it's gone, wait for it to come back. At the end of the session, I added T to the analogy. I said that it felt as unstable as the weather or my depression. Just sit and wait, wait for it go.

That's why the teddy in my new avatar is crying. Like me.

Don't ever tell me you're not going anywhere, T. Cause you probably will.

Oh pink, my heart is breaking for you!

Can you see him where he is going?

Yeah you are lucky to still be able to see him on Saturdays and I'm really happy for you about that! But I am so so sorry you've had such a shock!

((( great big comforting hugs to you.. and your teddy too )))

Pink, I am so sorry. That just stinks. (((((Pinksoil))))

((((( pink ))))))
I'm so sorry, that really sucks
(I think T's always go away too ..)

I am so sorry you are hurting. I hate your therapist for hurting you and mine for hurting me. Why does it have to hurt so much? That's it!!!!!!!! This is WAR!!!!!!!!!! I'm sending the the troops to surround and protect you! Until they all get there, I'm coming to rescue you like you did me!


Ts, I'm warning both of you! You'd better reciprocate our feelings or else face the consequences!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THIS:

%#@&#! PINK, thats scary! I''m sorry.

Pink, I'm sorry. (((((hugs))))) It sounds very frightening to have your T say that.

Does your T still have to be at the Psychoanalytic Center in order for you to see him? Maybe the other days he is going into private practice and you could see him as one of his clients at his new practice on weekdays?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I tossed the teddy back in my bag and said, "I don't want to be a little kid anymore."

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is such a powerful statement. It sounds like you are saying you are so hurt you can't be vulnerable and share with him anymore.

Pinksoil that's awful. I don't know what else to say, but that completely and totally blows. I'm so sorry.

Sidony

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sunrise said:
Does your T still have to be at the Psychoanalytic Center in order for you to see him? Maybe the other days he is going into private practice and you could see him as one of his clients at his new practice on weekdays?


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Would something like this be possible? I hope so.

I'm sorry Pink! I really am! You know what? I care dearly for you , I hurt with you. I care....Keep hanging on , your T loves you deep down becuase your a beautiful person!

Dustin

I just left him a phone message, which is something that I have never done on the same day after a session.

I told him that I just needed to tell him some stuff and I didn't wanna write it down-- just wanted to get it out.

I told him that this was the hardest session ever. That all of the abandonment stuff has been fired up. I said that it is not sitting well with me that there are no rescheduling options and that sometimes I need more-- now there is no way to get more.

Every week at the end of session, T asks me, "So, are you coming back next week?" It's sort of our "thing." I told him over the message how when I got home today, that I thought about how today was the first time that I really thought "no" when he asked that, even though I said "yes." I told him that I wasn't saying that to act out or to get a reaction-- that for the 1st time I truly feel as though I don't want to come back next week and I want to stay away from him.

Finally, I told him that I understand we can still have sessions on Saturdays, but here is nothing he can tell me that will make me think he is going to stay.

Therapy is %#@&#! up. Getting attached to some person who has a business he can take wherever the %#@&#! he wants.

I completely agree with your last sentence.. Grrrrowl at your T ()

I had a transitional object teddy that turned "bad" cuz of the T's inadequacy (to put it politely) Hoping you can turn this around despite the T's &amp;*&amp;***"%, I think you will!

Thank you, everyone, for your support and words.

I forgot to mention (and did not mention this to T, either) that I actually went to session today completely prepared and looking forward to asking about 2 sessions per week starting in December. I was excited because my school schedule next semester would finally permit me the availability to go twice per week. I guess I'm lucky he told me this before I asked. Then I would have felt like 95 times the jackass that I already do.

Nice that I have a 10+ pg. research paper due on Tuesday and I haven't written one word.

Keep talking to T. He might not be allowed to offer information, but if you, the patient/client asks, he might. Some times therapists open their own offices and no longer work under a clinic schedule and fee scale. Why not ask more information (and my apologies if you have told this elsewhere.)

If you truly will not be able to see this T as often as you need therapy, then I would use the remaining weeks to begin finding another therapist at the clinic that you like... thus 2 sessions a week, one where you are with your former T and one with the new one. Allow both of them to talk with and about your issues, for a smoother transition.

Now, what about that paper?

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

Want to share your Christian faith? Click HERE

i am so sorry Your post made me feel physically ill... i feel ill for you. how awful. i am at a loss.. this would be my biggest fear come true.

I am still going to get to see him once per week, for an hour and a half, on Saturdays.

Am I overreacting?

Am I being a baby?

A jackass?

Edited to Add: All of the above?

T said I wasn't.

that is horrible. but at least you still have saturdays. maybe you can arrange a phone session midweek?

((Pinksoil))

No you are not overreacting.

Yes you are a baby. ((((T's baby)))) A hurt baby, whose T has frightened her!

No you are NOT a jackass. He is!!!!!!

You MUST ask the questions about his availability outside this location. This information will give you comfort and protection.

Peace, love & woodstock.

definitely not a jackass or a baby.. or else i am too. i have been at risk of losing my t off and on (me not him).... in an intimate relationship like this you want *him* and that is more than normal and ok. i would think that if you didn't feel that way you'd not need to be seeing anyone.

i can't even begin to imagine your pain.

do you know just where he is going to be now?

I am giving him this letter:

I remember when it first felt like you were really my therapist. This took a long time because I was scared. Before that, I felt like you were sort of my therapist; partially my therapist. Like a family member who is only involved in one’s life to some extent—you might socialize with them at a gathering, but you know you’re not going to call them or anything outside of that. I was scared to ask for more. I needed permission. I did not know to what extent I was “allowed” to involve you in my life and treatment. I remember when we finally established that calling was permitted. I also recall the time in which I was finally able to directly establish the fact that I wanted to come to two sessions per week. These were important factors because they allowed me to see the ways in which you are available. It felt incredibly good to know that even when my schedule did not permit, two times per week would still be possible when there was time. It felt good to know that if I couldn’t come on a particular day, another day would be available. It also felt good when you would tell me you aren’t going anywhere. That’s all pretty much gone now. Now you are going back to partial-therapist. Therapist on a restricted basis. It’s not %#@&#! fair. It is not %#@&#! fair that when I’m doing ******, and feel like I might need more, you won’t be there. I walked into session today prepared to ask for two sessions per week starting in December. I was looking forward to working this out because my schedule would finally allow it. Well, that was a %#@&#! joke. I don’t trust anyone. Not any %#@&#! psychiatrist, not any therapist, especially not you. I always knew you would leave on some level. Yes, there are still Saturdays but don’t bother telling me you aren’t going to leave those too, because I bet you will. I wish I never started therapy with you, and frankly, I never thought so seriously about ending it before today. I just want to forget about you. I already have enough pain, therapy hurts too %#@&#! much, and I’m not going anywhere. You will, though. You’ll go. I don’t need to push you away because you have already done that for me. I’ll take care of the rest.