[Cleo6]

I spoke to my dad yesturday about having a chance of giving a bone marrow transplant to someone. We got talking about my brothers. I was always sure that my brother had his transplant on my mum's birthday due to what i remember from stuff she would say but he's said that it was a few weeks before her birthday. Since then I've been feeling really confused. If I'm wrong about this then maybe I was wrong about the other stuff that happen between me and my mum. Maybe it's all my fault that we have such a rubbish relationship. Some of the stuff she did was already difficult enough to understand why a mum would do it but maybe I've just read the whole thing wrong. Now I've just kept crying all day. Feel so confused now

[here today]

Maybe you were wrong about other stuff that happened, but it still doesn't mean it's all your fault that you and your mum have such a rubbish relationship.

It seems more likely that neither of you are all-right. Doesn't mean for a moment that you are all-wrong, either.

How to handle that uncertainty is the real challenge it seems to me.

Her behavior hurt you, that's likely real enough. Maybe intentionally, maybe not, but the hurt was real. Are you maybe mourning the relationship you wished you all had had? Not all your fault, there were two in the relationship. Is she still alive and in good health? Is there something you might be able to do to improve the relationship? Doesn't mean it will work, of course, but if it doesn't then you will know.

[atisketatasket]

If the only thing known to be wrong is a date, the sort of thing kids can easily get confused about, I don’t think that should lead to negating bigger things.

Also, from what you say here:

I was always sure that my brother had his transplant on my mum's birthday due to what i remember from stuff she would say

Your mother herself is the source of the mistake. If she made big dramatic statements about how the transplant was the universe’s birthday gift to her or some such, most people would think it happened on her birthday.

[thesnowqueen]

I am constantly unsure about my version of events and keep wondering about whether I am wrong about everything. Relatively recently I have been thinking about how my mother's basic inability to recognize me, let alone mirror me, might have resulted in this ongoing uncertainty about my own perceptions and opinions. It's a paradox because the neglect / emotional-abuse makes one incapable of even being sure there WAS emotional abuse...

[downandlonely]

I think it takes two to have a bad relationship. I hope you can work things out with your mom. I've had times when I've been really angry at my mom, but we got through it.

[SalingerEsme]

[QUOTE
Your mother herself is the source of the mistake. If she made big dramatic statements about how the transplant was the universe’s birthday gift to her or some such, most people would think it happened on her birthday.[/QUOTE]

That is such a good and smart point.

Family stuff is so difficult and sad when it undermines even your sense of what's real. Like others said, just bc the timing isn't exactly right in your memory, doesn't negate how real the feelings and larger experiences were, and those are what count.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Cleo6

I spoke to my dad yesturday about having a chance of giving a bone marrow transplant to someone. We got talking about my brothers. I was always sure that my brother had his transplant on my mum's birthday due to what i remember from stuff she would say but he's said that it was a few weeks before her birthday. Since then I've been feeling really confused. If I'm wrong about this then maybe I was wrong about the other stuff that happen between me and my mum. Maybe it's all my fault that we have such a rubbish relationship. Some of the stuff she did was already difficult enough to understand why a mum would do it but maybe I've just read the whole thing wrong. Now I've just kept crying all day. Feel so confused now

So it sounds like she mislead you about the transplant and did a lot of other confusing stuff as well.
It also sounds like her words and actions confused and hurt you when you are younger and it still confuses and hurts you now.

Which is the part of this that you think is your fault?