[TrailRunner14]

There are so many pieces of things.

Some are scary and just end with no ending.

I’m struggling with finding peace for the way my mind is trying to fit them together, and trusting my internal self with what I believe they point to.

For me, it’s like someone has given me a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle, blindfolded me, and asked me to put it together.

I was curious if anyone else had an analogy for what that feels like for them.

I only FEEL the jigsaw puzzle whrn the bits connect. Until then. Before that. Its just walking loss/frustrated through the woods and keep coming back to the same tree.

I use that same analogy of a jigsaw puzzle too. Some things I have no memory of, a sibling has corroborated. I have few memories.

[velcro003]

mine is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, with 4,000 of the insides missing and nowhere to be found.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

I only FEEL the jigsaw puzzle whrn the bits connect. Until then. Before that. Its just walking loss/frustrated through the woods and keep coming back to the same tree.

Same tree...exactly. Thank you.

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry you're in that place, TR. Mine is more like an endless void, which makes it hard to work with.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm sorry you're in that place, TR. Mine is more like an endless void, which makes it hard to work with.

me too. it makes me crazy, and i just need to accept it, but i can't.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

I only FEEL the jigsaw puzzle whrn the bits connect. Until then. Before that. Its just walking loss/frustrated through the woods and keep coming back to the same tree.

Thank you!

I can really connect with your analogy.

Sometimes I get stuck on things and I strain to make sense of it, or I try to piece things together by my self will.

That’s a very disturbing place and I would describe it as “running around the same tree over and over again” and it’s a no win situation.

And I agree with you, in only feeling the pieces of the puzzle when they click together.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of those crazy 3D posters before, but they strain my mind to no end. Ya know, they are supposed to appear to be 3 dimensional and raise off the paper. They drive me crazy because I can’t see the 3D part because I’m trying so hard to SEE it.

It occurred to me that when I would get frustrated and angry, I would give up trying to see it. My mind would relax and then it’s like it exploded off the paper.

There’s a lesson there for me but I can’t seem to to teach it to my internal parts.

Rambling.

Thank you!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I use that same analogy of a jigsaw puzzle too. Some things I have no memory of, a sibling has corroborated. I have few memories.

It’s a gift that you have someone who can validate what you do remember. Validation means so very much when the pieces are floating out there.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by velcro003

mine is like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle, with 4,000 of the insides missing and nowhere to be found.

Ya know, you are right in your ratio of pieces.

I agree with you!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I'm sorry you're in that place, TR. Mine is more like an endless void, which makes it hard to work with.

Thank you friend!

I get in the endless void places too. It’s like dark and silence combined with an aloneness.

My counselor and I were talking about it. I was trying to explain to him how it felt.

I told him that it felt like walking a tightrope blindfolded.

I think his analogy was being in a dark room and looking for the light switch.

I feel the void you are saying. I just don’t want it to be endless.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by velcro003

me too. it makes me crazy, and i just need to accept it, but i can't.

I feel what you are saying.

There is a part of me that says,

“Hey.”

“Look.”

“It is what it is.”

There is another part of me that says,

“Oh, I don’t think so!”

There is a pretty determined and strong willed part of me that won’t give in until we find the truth and meaning for the missing pieces.

That sounds brave huh?

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

Thank you!

I can really connect with your analogy.

Sometimes I get stuck on things and I strain to make sense of it, or I try to piece things together by my self will.

That’s a very disturbing place and I would describe it as “running around the same tree over and over again” and it’s a no win situation.

And I agree with you, in only feeling the pieces of the puzzle when they click together.

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen one of those crazy 3D posters before, but they strain my mind to no end. Ya know, they are supposed to appear to be 3 dimensional and raise off the paper. They drive me crazy because I can’t see the 3D part because I’m trying so hard to SEE it.

It occurred to me that when I would get frustrated and angry, I would give up trying to see it. My mind would relax and then it’s like it exploded off the paper.

There’s a lesson there for me but I can’t seem to to teach it to my internal parts.

Rambling.

Thank you!

Yes, Yes, Yes to the bolded part! I have been stuck on my lack of memory for a lot of my childhood, and keep searching for reasons why. My T thinks the biggest reason is my extreme premature birth, which started me off at a great disadvantage, and now here i am today, alone and depressed. It makes me SO angry that THAT is the reason why. I don’t know why that is, but i can’t seem to get past it. I am actually at a point where I need to accept it, and just look ahead from now on, or quit therapy and give up entirely.

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I feel what you are saying.

There is a part of me that says,

“Hey.”

“Look.”

“It is what it is.”

There is another part of me that says,

“Oh, I don’t think so!”

There is a pretty determined and strong willed part of me that won’t give in until we find the truth and meaning for the missing pieces.

That sounds brave huh?

i want to kick this strong-willed part of me in the teeth.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by velcro003

Yes, Yes, Yes to the bolded part! I have been stuck on my lack of memory for a lot of my childhood, and keep searching for reasons why. My T thinks the biggest reason is my extreme premature birth, which started me off at a great disadvantage, and now here i am today, alone and depressed. It makes me SO angry that THAT is the reason why. I don’t know why that is, but i can’t seem to get past it. I am actually at a point where I need to accept it, and just look ahead from now on, or quit therapy and give up entirely.

i want to kick this strong-willed part of me in the teeth.

My heart is sad for what you experienced at such a very young age.

My granddaughter was born prematurely and had to spend time in the NICU unit because her lungs were not developed enough to work on their own.

I went to visit her and my heart was numb. I wanted to so badly to pick her up and hold her, but the nurses would not let us. They said that it would stress her and we weren't actually allowed to touch her.

My daughter in-law was with me and she was crying when we had to leave her there. I wanted to comfort my dil and I wanted to cry at the same time, but I was so torn and numb.

I wanted to share that with you so that you feel that I understand.

I have also worked through memories that are from the crib. There are memories for me that I was too young to have a voice or really understand, except that it hurt me.

I've gone back to those places and brought those parts of me to a safe place. Now to some that may sound like "woo woo" but I can testify to you that it helped me tremendously.

Your post has been on my heart, and I just wanted to share that with you.

[velcro003]

aw thank TR! It doesn't make me sad, it is just a fact of my life. Not like I can remember it

I was born at 24 weeks...1lb7oz in 1981. I know I wasn't able to be held for a month, and was in the NICU for 4. So I GET why my T thinks this was severly traumatizing. I agree, and I am deathly afraid of hospitals and doctors and all that, which to me makes perfect sense. The other stuff (attachment stuff) doesn't make as much sense.

Wow, velcro. I was born around that number of weeks too. Under 1kg at birth. In the 1980s too. Spent only 1 month in the NICU though. Had surgery on my heart and stuff for my eyes so I wouldn't go blind. I think it made me a sensitive infant then that plus my adverse life experiences onwards made me super anxious with attachment issues.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Wow, velcro. I was born around that number of weeks too. Under 1kg at birth. In the 1980s too. Spent only 1 month in the NICU though. Had surgery on my heart and stuff for my eyes so I wouldn't go blind. I think it made me a sensitive infant then that plus my adverse life experiences onwards made me super anxious with attachment issues.

WOW! You only spent a month in the hospital around the same # of weeks? THat is incredible! I almost had to have surgery on my heart, but apparently some medicine was able to close the hole in it. (lol, how literal/symbolic!)

My T's take on it was that it was so traumatizing, that I basically shut down to be able to survive/handle the trauma that is the NICU and not being held, etc.

She siad that the first few weeks/months is extremely important in bonding with the mother and if that can't happen, it really sets you off on a different pathway than if I was born full-term. My parents were super young (a barely 18 mom and 20 year old dad), and they had no clue how to parent a preemie, so through no fault of anyone, my attachment issues did not get any better.

I understand what she is saying, but it is hard because it doesn't help me feel any coherence in my life of who I am today or who I was then. It is something that I am temporarily going to have to let go of, because my life is sort of stake at hte moment.