[mcl6136]

My therapy is going really well and I am making pretty big strides. T has even been amenable to shifting her approach into something more about checking in with practical matters -- almost the way a non-cheesy life coach would do. I'm dealing with taking steps on my big issue -- my relationship status. I tell her, on a weekly basis, activities that I am doing (hobbies, shows, races, and going out on the town) for their own sake, where I might also meet a potential partner.
It's been really productive.

This issue, which is unrelated, is coming up in therapy: There are a bunch of people in my life that I have told T about, and I have always related that I had pretty good relationships with them.

Now, with the progress I'm making, I realize that I've allowed these people to treat me pretty badly over the years. In particular, my sisters.

As I sit in therapy, talking about them, I'm vaguely embarrassed that I showed T such an idealized version of my relationships with my sisters.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Do you ever want to just say to T:

Scratch that! I take back my remarks about xxx person?

I've changed my mind.

I'm embarrassed that I've cast so much of my life as better than it really is while in therapy!

[unaluna]

Yeah. Ive always told my ts that i had friends. I dont really have friends, not like normal people have friends.

[Erebos]

I would have thought that is pretty standard if only because when you start therapy you might not even be aware of the truth of you personal relationships.

Things may only become clear as you get better and begin to take a different perspective on things.
Sounds like good stuff to talk about.

All the best.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Yeah. Ive always told my ts that i had friends. I dont really have friends, not like normal people have friends.

Yeah...come to find out, my sisters aren't even my friends. And I was the LAST TO KNOW.

I've changed my mind!!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I would have thought that is pretty standard if only because when you start therapy you might not even be aware of the truth of you personal relationships.

Things may only become clear as you get better and begin to take a different perspective on things.
Sounds like good stuff to talk about.

All the best.

Thank you..I think this is correct..I wasn't aware of a lot of this and it has been a bitter pill to swallow.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Yeah...come to find out, my sisters aren't even my friends. And I was the LAST TO KNOW.

I've changed my mind!!

I don’t have sisters (in the FOO) but I think I get what you mean

I have experienced “and I was the last to know”. It sucks. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I don’t have sisters (in the FOO) but I think I get what you mean

I have experienced “and I was the last to know”. It sucks. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yes it does....! And it is expensive, emotionally and time-wise and financially.

Thank you for the hug!!

Originally Posted by mcl6136

This issue, which is unrelated, is coming up in therapy: There are a bunch of people in my life that I have told T about, and I have always related that I had pretty good relationships with them.

Now, with the progress I'm making, I realize that I've allowed these people to treat me pretty badly over the years. In particular, my sisters.

As I sit in therapy, talking about them, I'm vaguely embarrassed that I showed T such an idealized version of my relationships with my sisters.

Does anyone have a similar experience? Do you ever want to just say to T:

Scratch that! I take back my remarks about xxx person?

I've changed my mind.

I'm embarrassed that I've cast so much of my life as better than it really is while in therapy!

Me too!! I had NO IDEA what healthy friendships looked like. I thought folks who bullied me regularly, openly mocked me and called me names and told me how to go kill myself = friends because they were the only people who asked me out for lunch and stuff.

I've told T I take back my remarks and we talk about how she models healthy friend relationships and what such relationships look like. And how I've met and formed about 3 mutually supportive and reciprocal friendships (my first ever in my life!) in recent years.

[satsuma]

mc16136, the same thing happened to me. I think I started realising through telling little anecdotes to T, and T wouldn't say "That person sounds really mean" but would just question a little, like "Did they really believe that was your fault?" (something that clearly wasn't my fault). We started discussing how I was seeing things differently, and T told me that this is completely normal. He said now that you have more healthy boundaries and more self esteem, it's going to cause a change in your relationships, and some will survive (mostly healthy relationships where the other person can allow for you to change), and some won't.

So yes I think this is quite a common thing and nothing to feel silly about. I'm sure T will understand if you try to explain it, and will maybe say as mine did that this is something to be expected.

It's probably a very good sign - it's when you start valuing yourself and having some self esteem that you start trying out being assertive about a few things, and noticing when people treat you badly. That's how it was for me anyway.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by satsuma

mc16136, the same thing happened to me. I think I started realising through telling little anecdotes to T, and T wouldn't say "That person sounds really mean" but would just question a little, like "Did they really believe that was your fault?" (something that clearly wasn't my fault). We started discussing how I was seeing things differently, and T told me that this is completely normal. He said now that you have more healthy boundaries and more self esteem, it's going to cause a change in your relationships, and some will survive (mostly healthy relationships where the other person can allow for you to change), and some won't.

So yes I think this is quite a common thing and nothing to feel silly about. I'm sure T will understand if you try to explain it, and will maybe say as mine did that this is something to be expected.

It's probably a very good sign - it's when you start valuing yourself and having some self esteem that you start trying out being assertive about a few things, and noticing when people treat you badly. That's how it was for me anyway.

Thank you for this specific and supportive post. It really helps me bear the pain of *another* evaluation of my personal connections. I think I had a rose-colored set of glasses about some of my connections, particularly the ones in my family.

In previous therapy, I dealt with the violent household that I grew up in and much of the work was about my father. It was easy to see the damage that he left in his wake - and the effect that he had on my mother and on me but it is proving to be just as difficult to examine the relationships that I have today with my siblings. I had kind of white-washed some of these relationships and it's been jarring and de-stabilizing to examine them. It's embarrassing and your note helps me deal with the feeling...I'm chagrined.

I'm chagrined that I allowed my siblings to benefit from my organizational talents (I do a family reunion every year and it is a HUGE amount of work; they don't lift a finger). I am chagrined that I have rolled out the red carpet for them when they visit me, booking elaborate recreational outings using contacts I have in my town ---and yet when I visit them, I work twelve hour days cleaning their garages. I'm hugely embarrassed about these asymmetrical relationships, and the way they have grown worse over time and I've simply closed my eyes. I know I'm creating a wall of words here but it helps to just put it down.

I'm starting to challenge the nature of these relationships, and I do feel I have the self-esteem to do that -- and contain the strong feelings, go to work, clean the house, get out with my REAL friends.

I'm even more grateful for the fact that a FEW of my relationships are getting better as I'm more honest with people and most important, with myself. Some of my connections are surviving. And some are not.

I'm grateful for the understanding and caring of my T, my former Ts, my real friendships and the people here at PC.

[ElectricManatee]

I know it can be embarrassing to realize you were wrong about people and being mistreated without really noticing it, but I think the ability to see people more clearly and to focus your social energies more efficiently are both basically superpowers. I have gotten the same skills from therapy, and they have improved my life dramatically. Before I felt locked into unfulfilling and potentially damaging relationships out of a sense of obligation. Now I realize that I can prioritize people who make me feel good and who see relationships as mutually beneficial arrangements.

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Me too!! I had NO IDEA what healthy friendships looked like. I thought folks who bullied me regularly, openly mocked me and called me names and told me how to go kill myself = friends because they were the only people who asked me out for lunch and stuff.

I've told T I take back my remarks and we talk about how she models healthy friend relationships and what such relationships look like. And how I've met and formed about 3 mutually supportive and reciprocal friendships (my first ever in my life!) in recent years.

Wahoo! I'm glad to hear about THE 3!!! It can be done!

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I know it can be embarrassing to realize you were wrong about people and being mistreated without really noticing it, but I think the ability to see people more clearly and to focus your social energies more efficiently are both basically superpowers.

Indeed. Sometimes when I go for a walk with my dog and I watch him flush birds, hear a mouse through the dense snow, tree a cougar (yes, he did this!), step lively as a skunk or a porcupine is near I think...man, he has some superpowers!

I would like my superpowers to be: seeing people (myself included) more clearly; focusing my social energies more efficiently.

Bring on the superpower!

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by Erebos

I would have thought that is pretty standard if only because when you start therapy you might not even be aware of the truth of you personal relationships.

Things may only become clear as you get better and begin to take a different perspective on things.
Sounds like good stuff to talk about.

All the best.

I agree with this. I think your T will be pleased with your shift and perspective.