[imnotbroken]

On Friday evening, my mom dropped me this bombshell. She casually asked me if it would be ok with me if she scheduled an appointment with my T. I am 23 years old but I still live at home with my parents.

I asked her why, and she refused to tell me her reasons. I tried to get it out of her, but she didn't give in. All I know is that this is about me, not her. She is not looking for counseling of her own.

But then comes the problem. I'm not sure whether I want this conversation to happen. My mom told me she would reveal the content of this meeting, if she felt that what T had to say was relevant to my therapy.

At the same time that I'm feeling uneasy about this (knowing they'll be discussing about me), I am really curious about what she wants to talk about.

Mom left it up to me to ask my T if she had any appointments for her, so I have to make this decision by tomorrow, when I see T.

By the way, is this even allowed, ethically speaking? Can my T discuss my case with my mom? Or is that a confidentiality breaking issue?

[LonesomeTonight]

Hm...no idea on the confidentiality--if you're in the US, I imagine you'd have to sign something allowing your T to talk to her. Not sure if this is something you would consider or if your mom would be open to it (or your T, for that matter), but what if your mom came to a session *with* you instead of by herself?

[Deejay14]

If you live in the U.S. you would have to sign a release for your therapist to talk with her.

[velcro003]

I am going through sort of a similar situation--except it is my T who would love to speak to my mom about my history (there are years i have no memory), and she made it very clear that she would not discuss anything about me in therapy with her, just more of an informational interview.

Anyway--that is different than your situation. If my mom asked me that, I would flat out tell her no unless she gave me an idea of what she wanted to talk to my T about. If she is curious about anything you may talk about in therapy (ie: drug problems, depression..anything really), your T protects your confidentiality and won't say anythign to your mom.

I think you should discuss this with your T tomorrow and get their take on it, and tell your mom that you need to discuss it.

Do you want her to talk to your T?

I would be p-i-s-s-e-d if my mom tried that on me.

[imnotbroken]

I am not in the US. I don't know how this works where I live, maybe it's the same way...

@LonesomeTonight My mom has been to my first session with me. She drove me there, but I was in absolutely no condition to go through this alone, so we entered together as I cried for the first half of the session. But I don't think this situation would be comfortable at the moment.

@velcro003, I'm still not sure how I feel about this. Maybe I'll have some clarity when I talk to my T, we'll see.

Thanks for your input, everyone!

[guilloche]

Unless there's a really good reason, that would be a hard no from me too.

In my case, even with a good reason, there's no way I'd let my mom talk to any T I've seen. Nope. My mom is a big source of stress for me who tends to be "emotionally grabby" - she's always pushing for *more*. Letting her into my therapy-world would be a huge boundary violation, for me.

Your relationship with your mom might be different though.

The biggest concern I'd have, in your place, is whether it will break the therapy "frame". Are you going to feel like your safe space for therapy has been broken, contaminated, and is no longer safe and private? If so, it's better to not let your mom in.

Personally, I'd also worry a little about what this will lead to, but that might just be b/c of my experiences with my mom. What I mean is, will your mom start to feel chummy with your T? Is she the type that will feel like now that they've connected, she can reach out to your T? Is she likely to call up your T or send emails to send updates about you, ask questions, or whatever?

Good luck with whatever you decide. I think talking to your T about it is a great idea... hopefully she's got a really good perspective on it!

[Ididitmyway]

If you are in the US, it's not allowed. Not ethically and not legally. I don't know where you reside, but if you are in any part of the US, your therapist is not legally allowed to make an appointment with your mother or to communicate with her in any way either by phone or text or email without your explicit written permission signed by you (which you can revoke any time btw). You are over 18, therefore legally adult with the full right to confidentiality. But, again, I don't know where you live and what the laws are in regards to therapist-patient privilege in that country.

[maybeblue]

I would not be ok with it. I wouldn't trust either my mom or my therapist that much. And I would be afraid it would hurt one or the other relationship. I might consider letting her go with me. I guess I would always worry what was said with me not there. I admit that I am a bit paranoid, but even if the didn't say anything bad, I would always worry that they did.

[imnotbroken]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I would not be ok with it. I wouldn't trust either my mom or my therapist that much. And I would be afraid it would hurt one or the other relationship. I might consider letting her go with me. I guess I would always worry what was said with me not there. I admit that I am a bit paranoid, but even if the didn't say anything bad, I would always worry that they did.

What you said about the paranoia makes so much sense to me.

You all have given excellent reasons not to allow this, and I agree. It would be hard to talk openly to my T if I'd known she'd spoken to my mom.

This would not be okay with me in any way, shape or form. Your therapy is yours and you have a right to keep it for yourself. You are in your 20’s and therefore an adult. You can just tell your mom that you do not want her to meet with the therapist. It is your decision and yours only. Good Luck.

Only reason I've talked to my sibling's T (when he was a minor, which is below 21 in my country) is because he explicitly asked me to give her information on our family dynamics. One time he didn't want to be in the room, the other time he was present in the room.

You have every right to refuse your mother. I still live with my parents and I'm in my late twenties too, so I understand the fear that your mother may retaliate at you. You have every right to refuse her.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I doubt my T would allow this unless I'd give my consent. The only thing he ever agreed to was having a friend present for my very first session. Already that rubbed him the wrong way though. Your T can't just talk about everything you've told them, it's confidential. The only way I could see your T agree to this is if your mom didn't tell her that she's related to you. And then the meeting would probably stop really quick once questions about you come up.

Would you (and your mom) maybe be willing to have a session together? I could see that be much more helpful for the things the T could help with without breaking confidentiality would be much more fruitful discussions if you're around too.

I'd personally not be okay with my T meeting with anyone I know unless I'm present too. Some of my friends have even asked whether they could see him as well for unrelated things. I have so far told everyone as little info as possible about him, since I don't want that to happen. I'm very protective of that.

[Lemoncake]

My mother asked if she could come with me to a session. I said no- it would change the dynamic and I wouldn't be comfortable.

You don't have to do anything you're not okay with.

[Amyjay]

No, wherever you are in the world your therapist is most likely bound by the same ethical boundaries that create the therapeutic frame. Talk to your T. I bet your t won't like the idea either.
Your mom doesn't have any "right" to speak to your T. Your secrets are safe with t.

[Favorite Jeans]

There are a few things about this that give me pause.

One is the idea that you "have to" decide by tomorrow. That seems unfair. You don't have to play along with that. You can say you need more time to consider.

Another is that your mom won't share her agenda with you. That seems sneaky or condescending, like you don't deserve to be part of your own care plan. It's disrespectful of your autonomy. In your shoes, I would be a lot more inclined to consider the request if I understood where it was coming from.

Your T could hear your mom without sharing information about you. It probably wouldn't be very hard because that is generally what T's do: they listen to people, they don't generally bring up new information about others in session. But it might make you uncomfortable for your T to learn information about you from a third party and that's totally legitimate. Also, the thought of one's T and one's mom having contact with one another is a bit squicky.

[imnotbroken]

I spoke to my T about this on our session yesterday. She said that where we live there's no such thing as a term that I'd have to sign to consent this. It would be a mutual agreement between both parties. However, if I were to consent, she would in no circumstance reveal things I've told her in session. T didn't object nor stimulate it. She said it was up to me to decide.

I thought it would be a confidentiality issue but idk for sure.