[chihirochild]

This is one of those "therapy is weird" situations...

If you know something is going on in your Ts personal life, do you acknowledge it? Do you ask if they're all right? In considering this question, does it matter if they told you what the thing is vs you found out on your own vs they mention that something is going on but don't provide the specifics?

My circumstance is that my T had to leave suddenly to take care of her mother, who is ill. She's been gone for a month now, and I'm not sure when she's coming back. It's sort of moot anyway since I'm switching my psych care to a different hospital/clinic (long story)... but I assume (and my pdoc has suggested this) that I'll see her for one last termination session once she's back. Obviously we'll have to *somehow* acknowledge the fact that she's been gone for a month... but do I ask her how she's holding up? Do I ask after her mother's health?

My desire to check in with her is, of course, complicated. Part of it is about shared humanity. Part of it is that the therapy relationship can be, in its highly circumscribed way, very intense and intimate... and while we obviously aren't friends or anything, and I don't know her outside of the therapeutic frame, I do care about her. If she is hurting in a way that I can see, I don't want to ignore that--I want to offer her my compassion. Another part of it is that I'm always a little uncomfortable accepting care from other people (T once called me "counter-dependent"), and it'd make things feel ever-so-slightly more "even" if I were to offer some compassion back to her.

Reasons not to do this include things like "therapy is about the client, not the therapist," "the desire to take care of the therapist should be discussed/analyzed but not acted upon." (And also in my particular situation, I'm worried that if I bring up her mother, she might lose her composure completely... which I imagine would make her feel embarrassed/uncomfortable, and would also make it difficult to get through whatever therapy fodder we were trying to address that day. This worry is founded in the fact that she was crying on the phone when she called to tell me she'd be out... and in my job as a clinician I've had moments when I lost my composure while interacting with a patient, and I *hated* that. It made me feel unprofessional and crappy and I dunno weak.)

What say you, wise PC peeps?

[fille_folle]

Hmm, maybe you could just let her know that you've been thinking of her and her mother? That wouldn't require a response beyond a thank you, allowing her to keep her composure, while also allowing you to express your concern.

[stopdog]

I personally would not, but I think if someone had a different sort of view of a therapist then saying something like I hope it was going better, or that I wished them well or something like that would not be inappropriate.

[DP_2017]

I have yes but we have an odd relationship

Many therapists would not be comfortable sharing that tupe of info with clients. You can ask or Express your concern but she may politely decline sharing info.

I understand the desire to care for them etc

[chihirochild]

Good point--I like the idea of expressing that I've been keeping her in my thoughts without asking any questions. 'Cause asking "are you all right" is almost certainly going to result in some demurring + redirecting combo (e.g. "things have been okay/difficult/whatever; it's kind of you to ask. I'd like to hear about how *you're* doing, though."). And asking for actual info feels intrusive.

This is one of the many reasons I really appreciate PC--y'all have solidly helpful perspectives on these things

[NP_Complete]

The way I look at it, we're both human beings in the room. I know some schools of thought suggest that I shouldn't care about the therapist, that it's all about me. But realistically, for me, I'm sitting in a room with another person and I do care about them. I probably wouldn't pry, but I would express that I care. When my therapist's grandmother died recently, I told him that I was sorry, because I genuinely was. He shared a few sentences with me and that was that. If you feel something about her situation, I think it's okay to say something that indicates you care and are thinking about her.

Yes, I do. T and I talk about those things. Unfortunately she has many many emergencies and issues going on in her life, and it often gets in the way of our sessions amd ability to talk. so she lets me know whats going on when she can

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

The way I look at it, we're both human beings in the room. I know some schools of thought suggest that I shouldn't care about the therapist, that it's all about me. But realistically, for me, I'm sitting in a room with another person and I do care about them. I probably wouldn't pry, but I would express that I care. When my therapist's grandmother died recently, I told him that I was sorry, because I genuinely was. He shared a few sentences with me and that was that. If you feel something about her situation, I think it's okay to say something that indicates you care and are thinking about her.

I agree with this. It is an expression of your values to touch on it compassionately.

[Tallent328]

New to this

[ElectricManatee]

One of the most helpful realizations in therapy has been that there aren't any "rules" for me. I don't have to worry about whether I am "acting on the desire to take care of the therapist" or whatever. I let her be the therapist and uphold the boundaries and make it all therapeutic, and I say exactly what I want to say for whatever reason I want to say it. It's really freeing.

In these situations, I probably would ask if she was okay, and she would usually thank me for my concern and say something that reassures me that she has plenty of support in her life. I think it's also fine like other people suggested to just say that you've been thinking of her and hoping she's doing okay.

Maybe this isn't really therapy fodder since you may be terminating with her anyway, but I do think your desire to be a "good" client and to monitor/modify your behavior so that she can have the right response might be worth looking into. I don't say this in a judgmental way at all. It's just that for me personally, putting pressure on myself to "perform" correctly, even in therapy, was but one slippery tentacle of the huge thing inside that kept me depressed.

[seeker33]

Electric manatee, that was a very thoughtful post, thank you.

To answer the question, I would probably do what others suggested. Tell her I've been thinking of her and wish her all the best.

[starfishing]

Everything you raised in your post seems worth bringing up with her and completely fair game to raise, if you're inclined and willing/able to. I've similarly felt like I had to protect therapists from their own human vulnerability by not bringing up their personal situations and my thoughts/feelings about them, in part because (like you) I was seeing their vulnerabilities as mirroring times I've felt like I lost composure with patients. I don't presume it's an identical situation, but in my case there was significant value in bringing up those conflicting feelings with a therapist I trusted and who knew me well.

[junkDNA]

I don't ask specifics just a general how are you. most of the time he'll vent a bit and we move on. if t does not tell me about something going on but I know about it anyway (which happened last year) I do not bring it up.

[LonesomeTonight]

After I found out ex-MC's wife was sick (and there was a session where we discussed that some), if he had to cancel at the last minute, a couple times I sent an e-mail saying something like, "I hope everything is OK." or "I hope you're doing OK." That way, it was expressing my concern/caring, and all he really had to say is "I'm doing OK, thanks."

[chihirochild]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

One of the most helpful realizations in therapy has been that there aren't any "rules" for me. I don't have to worry about whether I am "acting on the desire to take care of the therapist" or whatever. I let her be the therapist and uphold the boundaries and make it all therapeutic, and I say exactly what I want to say for whatever reason I want to say it. It's really freeing.

In these situations, I probably would ask if she was okay, and she would usually thank me for my concern and say something that reassures me that she has plenty of support in her life. I think it's also fine like other people suggested to just say that you've been thinking of her and hoping she's doing okay.

Maybe this isn't really therapy fodder since you may be terminating with her anyway, but I do think your desire to be a "good" client and to monitor/modify your behavior so that she can have the right response might be worth looking into. I don't say this in a judgmental way at all. It's just that for me personally, putting pressure on myself to "perform" correctly, even in therapy, was but one slippery tentacle of the huge thing inside that kept me depressed.

*mic drop*

Holy heck EM, this is some powerful wisdom. Thank you for sharing this perspective--you are right on the money here.

I've always felt the pressure to analyze my actions and words prior to expressing them. I feel this pressure especially intensely in therapy because I assume (rightly or wrongly) that therapists have more interpretive acumen than the average bear. I think some of it has to do with my parents teaching me about psychoanalytic ideas at a relatively young age, and feeling like I was constantly being analyzed and "found out" by people older and smarter than myself (i.e. my parents). It felt like I couldn't keep anything private even if I tried -- an old joke around my childhood home was "your unconscious is showing." (I can also remember a time as a teenager when I was telling my dad about a dream I'd had in which a minor plot point was a bag of carrots ripping open... he couldn't keep his horror at the phallic implications off his face.)

Along with the psychoanalytic thoughts and readings, my parents transmitted a sliver of that smug superiority that some therapists have, that "I know what you are thinking and feeling even if you don't" thing. I learned to feel scorn when other people were not aware of what they were communicating unconsciously... which is a) gross and b) makes my approach to communicating my own thoughts and feelings super problematic.

So... I think it's some combination of fear-of-being-found-out, fear-of-closeness, wanting-to-have-control, heaven-only-knows what else? All of which are things that can get in the way of a good therapeutic relationship, obviously -- makes it hard to be close to a T, makes it so that the things I say/do are subjected to this weird filter of mine (which I imagine makes it difficult for the T to figure out what the heck is going on in my head).

Thanks, EM

[skysblue]

My T is out for a few months for health reasons. She called me to inform me before our last session before she left. At that last session she told me all about her condition and was willing to answer any questions. She also invited me to email or call or text during her break if I wanted.

I didn't feel it was appropriate to 'invade' her privacy but after a few weeks, my substitute T who is friends with my regular T encouraged me to email her. I did and my regular T gave me an update.

Then I ran into her at a store and we got the chance to talk and catch up on her condition. It was great. She was open to sharing. I felt privileged.

I expect she'll return by October and my substitute T keeps me updated. I may or may not email my regular T before then. I definitely will not burden her with any of my issues.

She's been quite forthright about her situation and I suppose that's the type of therapy she practices.

In the past when I had expressed concern that she would be missing her lunch break by seeing me, she assured me that she can take care of herself. So, I don't think we should worry about causing hurt to our T's by asking questions. They are trained to expect that.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I ask my T if she's okay. She just had some issue in her life. For about a month, I asked her if she was okay. Her dog had surgery, so I asked if he was okay. I think asking them if they're okay or wishing them well is a perfectly acceptable thing. But I never ask for details. I figure that if she doesn't say it in the first place, then she doesn't want me to know.

[imnotbroken]

Once, it was quite obvious T wasn't feeling well. The weather was quite warm and she was wearing a cardigan. I asked her out of politeness if she was cold (we always seem to start our interactions by mentioning something about our crazy weather) and she said, "I have a cold. I was so out of it yesterday I had to go home early."

The following week, it was clear she was over her cold, but I decided to ask anyway if she was feeling better, to which she said yes and thanked me.

I think it would be okay to ask. Shows her you care.

[coolibrarian]

Very early on, I was feeling like I wanted to comfort my T when she was sick, and she said, "I can take care of myself." I felt that answer was like a slap in the face, and we talked about how it made me feel.
T called last night to change my appointment time for next week, and she told me why: she has to have a treatment (for her cancer) at that time (I know what kind of treatment it is, too.). It's just before she leaves on a 2-week vacation; I'll see her this week, and next week, and then not until after July 20th. It's a long break for me, but I feel that she really needs this break to relax and recharge. I admit I am a bit anxious, but am trying really hard not to slide into The Pit.

I probably would not ask but just express my sympathy. That way, she would know that you were thinking of her but no need to discuss the topic and it would not distract from what you want to talk about for yourself.