[ScarletPimpernel]

Please, I don't want criticism on whether or not I should write my ex-T. I know the risks: she might not answer, she might blame me, she might be mean or uncaring. It could set me back on all the progress I've made, cause me to relive the trauma, etc. My T is helping me write a letter. She's supportive of me. Her goal is to help me get my thoughts out while trying to not get ex-T defensive. So here's my second draft of the letter.

After three years, I'm finally writing you because I'm in a better place. I am stable on my medication, have a great therapist, and am overall doing better with life. I'm not writing to bother you. I just want closure. You once cared about me. Please help me put an end to our situation. Please just explain to me what happened; the truth.

It's been three years since I last had any direct communication with you. I'm still struggling with everything. You gave me no closure. I have so many questions that have gone unanswered. I've been trying my best to process everything. I gave you so many opportunities to just help me get closure so I could move on. Yet here I am, still traumatized by your actions or lack thereof.

From what I recall, our relationship wasn't doing good after I told you my secret. Something changed; you changed. We were arguing more, I didn't receive the same level of support, you tightened your boundaries, you told me our relationship wasn't important, and you said it didn't matter whether or not you understood me. What happened?

So why did you terminate with me? Because of my secret? Was I too attached? Were you too attached? Because I refused a "higher level of care"? Because you felt you were inexperienced? Did you give up on me? Something else? Multiple reasons?

The part in red needs to be changed. T thinks all the "you" will make ex-T defensive. My T did come up with an idea, but I forgot it.

Thoughts about the letter? I tried to keep it short and concise. The first draft was a lot longer. I just really want to get this right because this is the last chance I'll get.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think it generally sounds good. And I agree about keeping it short (this seems a good length). For the red part, maybe just take out some of the "you" parts (including the "you changed"), like just:

Something changed. We were arguing more, I didn't receive the same level of support, and you tightened your boundaries.

Did she ever say that she felt she was too inexperienced? Just wondering if the question about that in the end could make her defensive too. Or maybe just reword that line, like, "Because you were concerned you didn't have the experience to help me?"

Are you e-mailing it or mailing it? Or will your T somehow facilitate its delivery?

[maybeblue]

I think the first paragraph and the first part of the second paragraph are really good. I have a couple suggestions about the middle part that might make it less likely that she'll get defensive. Feel free to ignore any of them. You know her better than I do.

"I gave you so many opportunities to just help me get closure so I could move on. Yet here I am, still traumatized by your actions or lack thereof."

Could be: "I tried several times to get closure so that I could move on, but I am still confused and hurt by our rupture."

And then maybe for the third paragraph something like: "It seemed like our relationship changed after I told you my secret. I felt like we were arguing more and I didn't feel as supported."

She might not remember saying that the relationship wasn't important and that it didn't matter if she understood you. If your goal is to express your anger toward her, then putting that in might work...but if your goal is try to get her to talk to you and explain her side of it, you might leave those out.

Why questions can sometimes seem accusatory. So you might change the final question to "What made you decide to terminate with me?" And then maybe mention again that you just want to know so that you can have closure and move on.

And good luck. I hope she responds to you and it helps.

[Deejay14]

I do hope that helps you get from this experience what you need.

A camel is a horse designed by committee.

I don't think you should be concerned with feedback from outsiders on the letter (including your current therapist). The content of the letter is unlikely to persuade her to reply if she is not already open to communication with you. There is no magic tone or collection of words which will unlock her reply so make sure you express what fits your feelings.

[unaluna]

Not that youre asking me, but i think that the person who you are looking for forgiveness from for your secret, is yourself. It will come the day you realize you were doing the best you could at the time.

The way the circumstances are presented in this letter, you want to blame the secret for the deterioration of your relationship and its ultimate termination. But MAYBE you put too MUCH blame on the secret and kinda purposely blew up the relationship? Like saying, i KNOW you (t) cant or wont accept this. But its YOU who cant accept it of yourself?

When the bible says to love your neighbor as you would yourself, its the love yourself thats really the hard part for some of us.

[CantExplain]

I assume you've either sent this or not sent this by now. Which is it?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I haven't sent it yet. I only see my T once every two weeks, and she's helping me write it. It probably won't be ready to send until another month.