[goatee]

My therapist and I have a good relationship. I’ve been seeing her for several years. A few months ago, she did something that really hurt me. I’ve been going through a messy divorce and custody battle and she has been my main source of support during that. She told me out of nowhere that she was changing the rules on our relationship and the boundaries. It just came out of nowhere because we hadn’t been having any problems and nothing had been contentious and I am a very respectful patient. Anyway, she suddenly told me that she could no longer check for emails from me, she could no longer add in an emergency session if necessary that I would pay for of course, and that she was going to now be ending sessions earlier with me. She did this the week after we first started to do inner child work and she had really connected with a child part of me for the first time ever in my life, which was very meaningful to me. So to have her change rules like that especially in that moment was truly devastating.

But we have somehow been able to move on from there. She wound up not making those changes for now. It took me many months to start to trust her again but recently, I have slowly started to, even returning to the inner child work which I hadn’t been able to do for months after that incident. So things have been going really well between us again and I’ve been feeling really safe. That should’ve been my clue that something bad was going to happen because that’s what happened last time. Well, a few days ago, she told me something again out of nowhere, after I had admitted to her during a session that I was really terribly upset about the situation with my divorce, something which is unusual for me to have admitted and we went 15 minutes over in the session. I sent an email later that day pouring my heart out to her about everything (something she had encouraged me to do). In her reply she didn’t really respond to anything I’d written but then told me, out of nowhere, that it is okay for me to be so upset but that the problem is that she is not good at establishing boundaries and that this time it had worked out ok because of her schedule that day.

I am devastated by her mentioning this and bringing it up that way, the night before a big custody hearing. I didn’t even know she was thinking about time being a problem and boundaries again. I told her how I felt, she apologized and said it was awful timing, that she’d made a mistake. But that leads me to believe that she thinks that it is indeed an issue that she has to discuss with me at some time and I am deeply concerned about this. Meanwhile, my trust and safety are completely shattered again and I don’t even wanna see her when I’m supposed to in a few days. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t keep doing this thing where I trust and trust and then she freaks out. I have this feeling that she feels that she is giving me too much and she wants to give me less. But I am scared to bring that up with her and address it because I don’t want her to take anything away because I desperately need it so badly right now given the divorce situation and the custody battle. I’m open to any advice. Just devastated and feeling abandoned and hurt and angry all over again. I feel like a fool for trusting her again and starting to forget what happened a few months ago.

[ruh roh]

Did she tell you why she made (or was going to make) these changes? Because cutting back and not making emergency appointments could be something unrelated to you or your therapy.

[goatee]

Ruh Roh - thanks for responding. She said that she had a stressful situation going on in her life and needed more downtime because she was feeling burnt out. I have checked with her several times since then and she has always reassured me that the stressful situation in her life has improved and that she is doing okay.

[ruh roh]

Well, maybe it's continued to affect her somehow. My therapist had a similar hard time and also says it's fine now, but at the same time, she also says her schedule is insane and it's very different to how it used to be. Because she won't say anything more than that, I can only chalk it up to it being her issue, even though something feels really off to me. So I guess maybe check in with her again to get some clarification?

[satsuma]

It does come across to me as a therapist who is burned out. She was thinking more about her worries around session timing and the consequences of running late (her responsibility) than about your custody hearing and the issues that you are facing.
I'm sorry this is happening. It's probably not what you would like to hear, but from the outside I would suggest looking for a new T. Someone who is not burned out and who is able to manage their boundaries securely would be a safer person to work with. IMO.

[fille_folle]

She said she's bad with boundaries? That's not so great. If I were you, I'd start enforcing stricter ones on my own to protect myself.

[coolibrarian]

Goatee, you said, "In her reply she didn’t really respond to anything I’d written but then told me, out of nowhere, that it is okay for me to be so upset but that the problem is that she is not good at establishing boundaries and that this time it had worked out ok because of her schedule that day."

Your T said she is not good at establishing boundaries? If SHE said it (rather than you expressing your opinion about her), then that's on her, not you. Forgive me if I've misunderstood what you were trying to say.

[goatee]

Yes, she said it herself out of nowhere. I was really surprised because I didn’t even know there was an issue going on with boundaries. There certainly wasn’t for me. I had just been writing about my issues with the divorce and my sadness about it and stress about the custody battle. Then she mentioned boundaries out of nowhere, which really surprised and hurt me. She then said she had made a mistake and it wasn’t the time to mention it given the custody issues, but of course that leaves me thinking there is something she wants to discuss with me at a better time and pull back on and change. I’m really hurt and scared.

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry, goatee. She sounds really insensitive and, like someone else said, burned out. Do you see her again soon?

[WishfulThinker66]

Yeah, something is wrong in her own world but she should be professional enough to not let that affect her work. reducing the workload is one thing (ie. few clients or sessions) but to take it out on one is another. Do you feel assertive enough to tell her it isn't working in the present way? Are you open to seeing someone different if it comes down to it?

[SlumberKitty]

Your therapist said she is not good at establishing boundaries? That sounds like a huge red flag to me. As for going over in time on the appointment, it is the T's responsibility to make sure the session ends on time, or that it is okay if it goes over. I'm sorry that the boundaries seem like they keep changing. It sounds like it is hard to know what to expect from your T. It sounds like whatever is going on, it is about the T and not about you. But unfortunately you still have to deal with the emotions and the down side of it all. I'm sorry you are having to go through that.

[SalingerEsme]

Is there any possibility that she is getting a divorce too, or over identifying with you in any way? I don't think is is safe behavior for a T to vacillate so much or show her cards so much. Once again it is like you the client seeing too much behind the wizard of oz's curtain.

I like my clients( I am not a T!), and I am glad to see them and and basically thankful they pick me . Even when I am exhausted and overworked, I can separate that from blaming my clients. I blame myself and try to schedule more wisely. The T's go into a situation in which they ask us to trust them, and then become overwhelmed right when we need them most sometimes.

I am so sorry this is happening. Therapy should be your refuge not your worry.

Originally Posted by goatee

Yes, she said it herself out of nowhere. I was really surprised because I didn’t even know there was an issue going on with boundaries. There certainly wasn’t for me. I had just been writing about my issues with the divorce and my sadness about it and stress about the custody battle. Then she mentioned boundaries out of nowhere, which really surprised and hurt me. She then said she had made a mistake and it wasn’t the time to mention it given the custody issues, but of course that leaves me thinking there is something she wants to discuss with me at a better time and pull back on and change. I’m really hurt and scared.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Your therapist said she is not good at establishing boundaries? That sounds like a huge red flag to me. As for going over in time on the appointment, it is the T's responsibility to make sure the session ends on time, or that it is okay if it goes over. I'm sorry that the boundaries seem like they keep changing. It sounds like it is hard to know what to expect from your T. It sounds like whatever is going on, it is about the T and not about you. But unfortunately you still have to deal with the emotions and the down side of it all. I'm sorry you are having to go through that.

I don't know that it's such a bad thing for a T to admit to a weakness. It would make it easier to admit our own weaknesses, don't you think?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Therapy should be your refuge not your worry.

[Jazz1971]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I don't know that it's such a bad thing for a T to admit to a weakness. It would make it easier to admit our own weaknesses, don't you think?

It's fine to acknowledge a weakness, but it shouldn't be related to the service you are providing. The concept of boundaries is drilled into therapists heads in training programs and even more in supervision. If a T is not only bad at it but tells clients they're bad at it, that's a problem. Burnout happens, but it's the Ts job to manage it and they should never make a client feel like they caused it. That could potentially make someone feel worse than they did before starting therapy.

[Whalen84]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can understand how you feel in a way. I'm going through some really tough **** right now w/ my ex-therapist. Her boundaries with me were just awful. I wrote another post about it - but anyway, my only advice to you sucks. It's in no way easy so please don't think that I think it is but, I think you should find another therapist. From my experience with mine this type of behavior is just gonna continue/ possibly get worse. I mean what mine did is just totally out of bounds. It sounds like yours was possibly dealing with boundary issues with another client ( total guess of course ) It just sounds odd to me from what you said, why she would say she needs to be more strict with you with boundaries. Especially given the fact you're going through such a difficult experience. By the sound of it, it didn't seem like she was going so wildly over the boundaries with you to begin with. I don't know. And I'm so sorry. If you need to talk feel free to PM. I just hate to hear another person write about experiencing pain from somwthing that's supposed to be there to help. That's why we pay them. So it's literally all about us. All the time %100. I lost sight of that. I was paying my therapist to protect her reputation ( by keeping my mouth shut) - God that just sounds so ridiculous now. I was paying to protect her...smh. I know that's not exactly your situation but still, your paying her to cause you frustration when she's supposed to be there for you and help you. Not frustrate you, not in this way. Of course parts of therapy are difficult but it's not supposed to be difficult in this way. She could have come at you with more tact by the sound of it.

[Whalen84]

Originally Posted by Jazz1971

It's fine to acknowledge a weakness, but it shouldn't be related to the service you are providing. The concept of boundaries is drilled into therapists heads in training programs and even more in supervision. If a T is not only bad at it but tells clients they're bad at it, that's a problem. Burnout happens, but it's the Ts job to manage it and they should never make a client feel like they caused it. That could potentially make someone feel worse than they did before starting therapy.

That's perfectly put. Thank you for that. That's what I was trying to say.