[mindmechanic]

So as some of you know, the therapist moved to a different state temporarily for the year. We're in different timezones. She's in Eastern Time; I'm in Central Time. She had to reschedule her patients and the new schedule was for us to do a single session Tuesdays 6pmCT and a double on Fridays at 4pmCT. We did that for about a month before exploring the possibility of moving the double from Friday to Tuesday, but we didn't decide on making the switch yet.

I'm out of country now with about a 13-hour difference. So I woke up at 6:35am Wednesday morning (that is 5:35pmCT Tuesday) for therapy at 6pmCT on that evening in Central Time. But I saw that the therapist sent me a text message saying that she was expecting me at 5pmCT (6pmET her time in the East Coast).

I had just woken up from a nightmare and had been having a very rough few days, so I really needed our therapy time and was looking forward to it. So I was panicking and got anxious when I read her text. I called her and she picked up the phone. Having just woken up, I was confused and thought I made a mistake and set my alarm clock at the wrong time. But I didn't. I said that therapy is at 6pmCT. But the therapist said that she had us down for 5pmCT (6pmET) for the month of August. Having been gaslighted by others who make me question my sanity and reality, I was wondering what the heck was going on and how the therapist could forget that 6pmCT Tuesday is our therapy time. She said that we could do a session at 6:45pmCT later that evening. I agreed.

I sent her screenshots of our text messages and phone call history showing her how we've always done 6pmCT on Tuesdays. But she said that she didn't get to see those screenshots when we talked at 6:45pmCT. She also said that we only had a tight 45 minutes. So of course I got angry. She said that this is a misunderstanding because she thought we moved the double from Friday to Tuesday, the time changed from 6pmCT to 5pmCT. But that doesn't make sense. If she scheduled us to start earlier at 5pmCT for a double, we would have ended at 6:30pmCT, but she was able the schedule a patient at 6pmCT while I waited until 6:45pmCT to talk with her. So what the heck caused this misunderstanding as she puts it? I call it a mix up. There's no misunderstanding. From my point of view, nothing's changed and we were doing 6pmCT.

I was really mad. Of course I couldn't simply let this go and talk about what I needed to talk about in this session that I really needed and was waiting all weekend for. But she refused to give us extra time to sort this out. I would think that if the therapist made a mix up and got the time wrong, s/he would give the patient some time to settle down so that the patient can carry on with what s/he wanted to talk about that session.

I was waiting all weekend to talk to her. I really needed it. And her schedule is so tight since she moved to take care of the grandkid that it's hard for us to do an add on session when I need it. So of course I was anxious and angry. I still am because I feel deserted; I needed to hear more mirroring from her.

I also hate how the therapist tends to get quiet when I am angry. That is when I need her to empathize with me the most. She asked if I heard her when she said, "This makes you feel less important." I said no, I hear you, but it's not that this makes me less important. It's not like that.

Imagine having a very difficult week, waiting all weekend, Monday, and Tuesday to talk to your therapist, and wake up from a nightmare only to see a text from your therapist that you missed the session. What the heck did I do to deserve this? Amidst all the craziness and what I went through the past week, therapy was that one thing that was supposed to be consistent that I trusted and felt safe with.

I told the therapist that I needed a proper session. She said that she would find time. It's 9amCT (10amET her time), but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. She doesn't seem to own any of this. I mean where did this 5pmCT Tuesday therapy time come from? Her schedule is tight since her move. But I feel that she owes me. And if she had done more mirroring instead of being quiet and saying "I've said all that I could say," I wouldn't feel so deserted and angry. I needed to hear her say along the lines, "I hear that this past week has been very rough and you've been looking forward to this session and you need to talk. I'm still here. We'll figure out what happened." I needed to hear that instead of, "No; I have you done at 5pmCT (6pmET) for August." How did you forget our time, doc?!?! Check your July calendar. And her explanation about the double switch from Friday to Tuesday doesn't even make sense.

I really need a proper, uninterrupted session. She still isn't responding.

ETA: A couple of weeks ago, the therapist also forgot to put me down on her calendar. I called her at 6pmET, but she didn't pick up. 15 minutes went back and I was worried that something had happened to her. Thankfully, she checked her phone and we were able to have a session. She gave us some time to talk through what happened and let me settle down, and I was able to carry on with the session. I don't know why she was being such a hard@ss yesterday.

I trusted the therapist and felt safe with her. But what happened yesterday and her responses make me feel shaken up. I feel invalidated; I needed to hear more mirroring from her. The only empathic statement she made was "you feel less important." That wasn't even how I was feeling. I really feel that she owes me another time. And the fact that she hasn't gotten back to me makes me feel worse.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by mindmechanic

I needed to hear more mirroring from her. The only empathic statement she made was "you feel less important." That wasn't even how I was feeling. I really feel that she owes me another time. And the fact that she hasn't gotten back to me makes me feel worse.

The interesting part of this to me is really a question, which is if this is what you needed, what could you have done to encourage the therapist to give it to you? Said another way, did the immediately preceding interaction encourage her to give it to you?

[maybeblue]

I'm sorry that happened. My suspicion is that it was an actual mistake caused by something completely unrelated to you. But I know that knowing that doesn't make you feel any better. I know what it feels like to have saved up a bunch of stuff to talk about in a session and then to have the session not happen or get pre-empted by something else. I'm not sure that all therapists are great at dealing with client anger either. I think that you are doing what you can to get a resolution to this. You've been assertive. You've asked for what you need. I hope she responds to you soon and that you are able to talk it out and then move forward.

[mindmechanic]

Yeah. It's already 9:55amCT (10:55amET her time) and she hasn't responded. This feels withholding. If I tell her, she would deny she was withholding. But she doesn't usually take that long to get back to me. Even though she moved, patients still need consistency. It's all that some of us have that feels safe.

Whatever the mix up was, I needed to hear more validation and mirroring from her. I told her I needed to hear more mirroring or emotional feedback as I call it. She was still quiet. Just sat there quietly in video call. I explained it wasn't that I felt less important. I said so much to her. She was still quiet.

This is has been an ongoing problem. Whenever I'm angry at her or something in therapy, she goes quiet and talks less. That's when I need her to talk more and so more mirroring and use more feeling words.

I think sometimes therapists take things too personally. Not everything is about them. But analytic therapists think it's all transference. It's not so one-sided or narrow like that.

[maybeblue]

Well, in this case it really is about her. She is the one that messed up the appointment time. That's not even transference. You really are angry at her. In an ideal world therapists would all be able to be non-defensive when clients are angry. But in an ideal world they wouldn't forget appointment times either.

I've had more luck getting what I need from therapists if I can explain it to them in writing. Or if I can ask them when I'm calm. But generally when I need something specific, I'm not calm, so that's why I often resort to writing an email or a note that I hand them in a session.

[luvyrself]

I missed an appointment I really needed today. I think I wrote it down wrong. When I’m upset dates r the first thing to go. In yr case, it sounds like you may need someone who can get it right.

[susannahsays]

I understand why the circumstances of waking up and thinking you missed the appointment were upsetting. However, I am confused about how a mix up is different from a misunderstanding. I'm also not sure I understand why you feel so very angry when you yourself feel that it was a mix up, and you got your session anyway. As for transference, I don't know... It seems like this was a huge deal to you. I am not saying that is wrong, but I'm also not sure that the intensity of the reaction is reasonable given that you still got a session that day. If you didn't have something more going on there, it seems like you would have just accepted it was a mixup/misunderstanding and proceeded with talking about something else instead of dwelling on the mix up. That's just my opinion. I am a very angry person myself, so I'm not trying to say you shouldn't be angry or express your anger, just that I don't personally understand where the intense anger in this case is coming from.

[mindmechanic]

She sent an email saying: The best I can understand is still that there was a genuine miscommunication. I'm sorry if I made a mistake. I think that after we talked about the double session on Tuesdays and I arranged for it but you then declined it I thought Tuesdays were at 6pm ET/5pmCT. The two Tuesdays we talked at 7pmET/6pmCT (by your records - mine are not reliable as I don't know if I had my clocks on ET or CT then. I know it was light outside -eg no reflection in my glasses- both times.) I did not have my current schedule so there was no conflict with another patient. I recalled only the 6pm ET as that is what is on my schedule.

I also didn't get another appointment time for this week. From her email, it seems like she absolutely cannot remember that we always did 6pmCT (7pmET her time) on Tuesday. I don't understand how she's forgetting it.

[yellow_fleurs]

I am really sorry that happened to you, and that you felt invalidated, especially when you really needed that appointment. Although it is different and I didn't feel invalidated, I remember feeling so upset when I was supposed to meet my pdoc and he got a flat tire and had to reschedule after I had shown up at his office and was near desperate to see him.
Do you think it is possible that your therapist is just all out of sorts from the move, new schedule, etc? Maybe she is better at the actual therapy part than the logistics of scheduling. Not that it makes the outcome better, or the fact that she didn't respond in a way to make you feel validated, but she may have genuinely just messed up and is confused. I hope you can get it sorted out and get the session you need.

Also, I have been gaslighted in the past, too, and it leaves me a little suspicious when things don't add up like that, and I get on guard if I feel like someone is trying to make me question my reality. That really might be a good thing to bring up to your therapist so she understands why it is especially upsetting for you, when someone else might not think twice about it.

[susannahsays]

Ok, but she is. Forgetting, I mean. Is it really worth getting stuck on this? It sounds like she's apologetic and admits that her disorganization means she can't claim to be right. As for the extra session, that's annoying that she didn't give you one yet. However, saying she would find a time does not mean she will know when that time will be immediately. It seems like when the therapist makes a small mistake, it rocks your world. That's got to be a rather exhausting way of interacting. In my opinion, your emotional discomfort is not on her in this instance. Sure, she might be the one making a mistake, but everyone does that occasionally. If you could work on your tolerance to things not always going as planned, it seems like you would be happier.

[mindmechanic]

Is it really worth getting stuck on this? I'm not getting stuck on this because I want to.

The therapist, for whatever reason, didn't put us down on her calendar on July 17, Tuesday. I asked her if she would have remembered and thought that it was our session time if she looked at the clock. She said yes, she would have, but she didn't look at the clock. So given this incident that happened yesterday, was what she said about July 17 a lie, then? She can't even remember that our session time is on Tuesdays have always been 6pmCT. If she had looked at the clock on July 17 when she missed our session time because she didn't put us down on her calendar, would she really have remembered and thought about me and how it's our therapy time? It seems like that was a lie.

I've already been overwhelmed and stressed enough and this is the last thing that I need. I need a proper therapy session. And now she can't find time for us to talk. And yesterday was a fack up.

[mindmechanic]

I sent her screenshots of my phone call record and even my phone bill. But she still isn't acknowledging that we did 6pmCT on Tuesdays for the month of July. In her email, she even said that there wasn't any reflection on her glasses when we did video call last month like there was yesterday, and she remembers it was still light out. So what's that supposed to mean? Is she insisting that we've always done 5pmCT (6pmET her time) when it's brighter outside and she didn't have to turn on the lights in her room so there wasn't any reflection on her glasses like there was yesterday?

I am so used to being gaslighted and people denying the truth in the face of evidence and making me question my sanity and reality. And the fact that the therapist isn't acknowledging how we did therapy at 6pmCT even after I sent her those screenshots of my phone call records and her very own text message that she has us down for "7pET Tuesdays" and "5pET Fridays" make me feel unsafe with her. She says that she doesn't know because she can't remember if her time was set to CT or ET back then. I'm giving you these records and your very own text message, but you're still not acknowledging it?

[maybeblue]

You are clearly right about the appointment time. Somehow she messed it up. What would you need from her to make this ok? It does seem like your anger is about something bigger than this one mistake. I can imagine that she might be confused about how to fix it. Just from reading this, I think I might be confused.

Are you angry because you believe that she is saying that you are the one who was wrong about the appointment? Do you think she messed up the appointment on purpose because she is upset with you? Are you feeling that she isn't understanding why you are still upset? Or is it more that you are completely overwhelmed with other things and this was just the last straw?

I wonder if you were able to answer those questions, you might be able to communicate what you need from her.

[susannahsays]

It sounds to me like anything she says short of whatever exact phrase you are looking for will not be good enough. So come up with exactly what you need her to say and ask her to say it. Then you can stop reading into things and drawing conclusions based more on your history of being gaslighted than on your interactions with this therapist.

[mindmechanic]

@maybeblue: It's the last question you said. I'm just COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED and it was the last thing I needed. I REALLY needed a proper, uninterrupted session yesterday and was waiting for it. I had asked her for an earlier day and time over the weekend, but her schedule was tight. So of course I was mad to wake up to that. I had been HOLDING MYSELF TOGETHER all weekend, Monday, and Tuesday to talk to her that evening, and this happened?!?! Oh; I'm sorry for being human and getting upset about this. Not.

When the therapist forgot to put us down on the calendar on July 17, Tuesday, and missed 15 minutes of our session time, I was worried, very worried that something had happened to her. I wasn't mad at her with this incident. I don't know why she didn't put us down on the calendar. I understand that she might have been confused with things going on since her move, et cetera. So I wasn't mad. And she gave us extra time in the session to talk it out and let me settle down before having a proper session about what I intended to talk about that day.

But I am angry about the incident yesterday because when we talked on the phone, she seemed to have forgotten our therapy time. Come on, guys. How would you feel if your therapist cannot remember the time when you do therapy? And insists that it's 5pmCT when you've always done 6pmCT. You would find that strange and wonder what the heck was going on and what was going on with your therapist, wouldn't you?

1. I'm still mad and I think that I have the right to be because she cannot even acknowledge her own text message on July 8 in which she scheduled us for 7pmET Tuesdays and 5pmET Fridays. She can't acknowledge that and is instead giving excuses about not remembering if her time was set to ET or CT and that it was still bright out when we do therapy on Tuesdays. Hey. Even if you don't know what timezone your phone was set to, you clearly wrote 7pmET on Tuesdays. I even sent her a copy of my phone bill where there is the timestamp of I called her for therapy.

2. I'm mad that when I get angry at her or therapy, she gets quiet; that's the time when I need her to talk more. I'm mad that she cannot find me another time to talk. Even though we got to talk at 6:45pmCT yesterday, it was already an interrupted session and I couldn't talk to her what I really needed to and I was already overwhelmed as fack. Some of you asked what I need to hear her say. Like I said in an earlier post, I needed her to do more mirroring and be more validating and say something along the lines like, "I know you've been very overwhelmed and waiting for this session all weekend. I'm still here. We'll talk at 6:45pmCT and figure out what happened. I'm still here and nothing has changed." All she said was, "This makes you feel less important." That wasn't even the right empathy. And it didn't feel like it came from a place of empathy from her; it felt like she was being intellectual and analyzing it. No. This doesn't make me feel less important. This situation and how she handled it make me feel confused as fack because she, for whatever reason, can't even remember something so basic or acknowledge something so evident that we did therapy at 6pmCT. Just read your ******* text message to me when you sent me the therapy schedule!

3. I'm mad that she insists this is a miscommunication. How the heck is this a miscommunication?!?! She didn't tell me or text me about any time change on Tuesdays. Therapy is important to me. If she changed times, I wouldn't forget or miss it. It's a genuine boo boo mistake on her part. And that's okay. I'm not looking for perfection. But she needs to squeeze out another time for us to have a proper, uninterrupted session.

And 4. It makes me mad that whenever I'm angry at her or something about therapy, she gets quiet and talks less. That's the time when I need her to talk more, validate my feelings, and mirror them. I've told this therapist many times that validating one's feelings doesn't mean that you're agreeing with them. I just need to feel validated.

This was a genuine confusion on her part, not a miscommunication. In coming to three years of therapy with her, I've never once missed an appointment or been late aside from traffic - even then, it was rare. Therapy is important to me. I would never forget the time.

And this may be a small annoyance, but still an annoyance. After her move, she used to put the times down in CT and ET. But now she just puts down the ET time. Her patients are still operating on the CT time, so she should put it down as such. And I'm out of country in a different timezone. It's confusing for me to have to convert the time from ET to CT and to the timezone that I'm in now. My phone and computer are still in the CT timezone. And I think that basic courtesy dictates that she puts the time in CT for her patients, not ET, even though it's only a one hour difference. It's easier to read, too.

And 5. I'm also mad how tight her schedule is after her move that when things come up and I need an add on session, she hasn't been able to accommodate that. She said that this year when she is in the East Coast, her schedule is very tight. She used to always be able to do add ons before her move.

I trusted her. I still felt safe with her despite her move. For whatever reason, she didn't put us down on her calendar on July 17. I let that go. I didn't ask her why. But this incident yesterday? I admit that I am angry because of how overwhelmed I am. If I wasn't so overwhelmed, I might not be so angry. But I think that the therapist also needs to acknowledge how her responses fed my anger when she cannot remember that we did 6pmCT, refused to give us additional time to settle this like we did in July 17 so I can move on to having a proper session, and how she goes quiet and doesn't empathize or validate much when I get angry. If she had just given us additional time like she did on July 17 instead of being so strict that we only have 45 minutes, it would've helped. She wasn't even apologetic at all. This isn't a miscommunication. It's a confusion on her part. It was absolutely the last thing I needed.

And right now, as much as I still need to therapy and to talk to her, I don't even feel like talking to her. How can I feel safe with her now.

[susannahsays]

miscommunication: a failure to communicate adequately

It can be both an error on her part AND a miscommunication. Maybe she intended the time change and just forgot to ask you about it. That would be a miscommunication and also her fault.

As for the strict 45 minutes, if that is the session length, I don't see why she should have gone over. She might have had another client to see.

[mindmechanic]

Miscommunication is a mis-communication between two people and BECAUSE of two people messing up, misinterpreting, or some other reason. This isn't a miscommunication. I didn't miscommunicate or misinterpret anything. This "mix up" as I call it is on her part. She changed her schedule to move the double from Friday to Tuesday. But I didn't agree to it. That was probably a miscommunication. In my mind, we were only exploring that possibility. In her mind, she thought it was a change that was for certain. Whether we were going to do a double on Tuesday or not, she didn't tell me the new time change. That's not a miscommunication; that's a confusion or mix up on her part.

I am not trying to fault her. I just want her to acknowledge that we have always done 6pmCT. It drives me crazy how she hasn't acknowledge that reality even though I sent her my phone records and phone bill; instead, she is giving excuses such as she remembers it's bright out when we talk on Tuesday and she can't remember whether her phone was in CT or ET. Just look at your own ******* message that you sent to me on July 8 when you were giving your patients the new schedule. You, yourself, wrote "7pET on Tuesdays." And how can you forget our session time?!?! Go and find me one patient who wouldn't be upset if therapist forgets or cannot remember their therapy time. And the therapist literally still cannot remember that we did 6pmCT on Tuesdays in July. Seriously, I don't know what's going on with her brain - whether it's her old age or her still adjusting since her move - because this is completely unlike her. She has gotten the timezone confused a couple of times before in the past like when she went out of country for a conference, but she has never denied the reality before. And I don't understand how she still isn't acknowledging or remembering our 6pmCT time even though I sent her our Skype and phone call history.

I disagree about the strict 45 minutes. This has been a topic on the forum before that if a therapist facks up, patients expect that the therapist spends additional time to talk about it so that they can get on with the proper session as planned. It's only fair. How the heck am I supposed to be paying for the minutes to talk about what happened on her part that led to this mix up? I was already feeling so overwhelmed and needed all the time to talk to her about what was going on. I was looking forward to therapy at 6pmCT yesterday; it was supposed to be a safe haven for me.

I was so facking overwhelmed and needed a proper session; I had been waiting all weekend, Monday, and Tuesday for it. Oh; and @susannahsays, you seem to think I have no right to be angry. Imagine having just woken up from a nightmare and you see your therapist tell you that you've just missed your session. If you can remain calm and cool, I'll applaud you and take my hat off to you.

[susannahsays]

Everyone has a right to their feelings, or so I hear. That doesn't mean that those feelings are always rational. Like I said, I am not calm and cool, I am an angry person. Which is why I am baffled by the fact that there is apparently someone out there more easily triggered than me.