Stupid T and his stupid phone (+/- stupid me, unclear)

So this new T I got stuck with asked me to agree that I'd call him before SH-ing. I was skeptical about this, and said to him, "I only ever SH at night, usually pretty late; do you really want me to call you at 2 in the morning?" And he was totally aghast and said, "oh no, I don't answer the phone after 10pm." Sp I was never really sure what the hell I was supposed to do--call him 12 hours in advance and be like, "hey there T, I'm like 88% sure I'll be in crisis at around 2:15am, wanna talk me down in advance?" (Stupid stupid stupid.)

Anyway I've been feeling really awful in a SH-ish kind of way so today at noonish I texted him and said: "Hi [t], this is [c]. I’m not feeling great. Could you call/text when you have a moment? I’m in clinic 2p-5p but am free before or after that." His response was: "Hi [c], I am back to back today but will call at 1:53! Have some time between appts." That also seemed stupid to me because when I say I'm in clinic from 2-5, I mean that I have a patient who is expecting me to walk in the door at 2pm (something that I thought was self-evident but apparently not.) It also means that at 1:53pm I am physically at work and can't really get into deep psychological crap b/c a) I don't necessarily have access to any kind of private space (it's a clinic at a safety net hospital so rooms are at a premium) b) I can't like be vulnerable and talk about all of my terrible crap and then immediately put on my doctor face and be 100% attentive to my patient one minute later c) what *exactly* did he think we were going to accomplish in seven minutes? (Stupid stupid stupid).

At 1:57 he hadn't called and my MA paged me to say that my 2pm patient was ready so I left the office I'd cloistered myself in and headed over to find my patient. But of course he called at 1:58 and was like, "hey there sorry to call late. I'm just so very busy. Tell me what's going on." And at that point I was annoyed and frazzled and was like, "I can't talk right now, I have a patient waiting." And he was all, "oh no well can you at least tell me what's going on?" to which I answered, "I'm standing outside my patient's room, I can't really get into it right now." And he said some crap about like, "oh are you sure it can wait blah blah blah," to which I responded, "whatever, I'll just deal until tomorrow" (we have a scheduled appt tomorrow) and he said "okay well do call if something urgent comes up" and I agreed to do that and hung up.

I dunno, y'all--did I mis-handle this? I suppose I could have texted back and said that 1:53 wasn't a good time. I guess what stopped me is that it seemed like such an effing stupid suggestion in the first place that I assumed that it meant he wasn't willing to talk after 5. I also could have not answered the phone at 1:58 I guess, but I was afraid that I'd get labeled as a help-seeking-help-rejector (also shrinks get freaked out when you don't answer the phone--learned that one from experience).

I dunno if he is stupid or of I am stupid but the situation is DEFINITELY STUPID and I'm really annoyed about the whole stupid thing.

This is on him, IMO. 1:53 is an absolutely terrible time to call. Your instructions seem perfectly clear to me, although I am currently in the kind of mood where I will pick a fight with anything that moves.

I hope you are able to express this to him.

I think you handled it okay. My phone calls with T usually last around 10 minutes, so 7 minutes would still be enough to at least say something like 'hey, I'm really not doing well, but I'll have to leave in a couple of minutes, can we please talk later, I feel like I'm going to self harm' or something like that, and I assume your T might have understood and made time for you later.

Him calling 5 minutes late is on him. Of course it's normal to sometimes be late, but if you said you have to work from 2 on, then he should have known that that would be really stupid.

I'd be annoyed as well. He first offered to take your call if you ever feel like self harming, then you reached out at a reasonable time and he offered a time slot which he then was late to although he knew you did not have much time anyways. This is totally on him.

He should respect your time and job. Sure he is busy, but YOU are busy too and functioning . He put you in a double bind- Call me, but don't call me for SH thoughts.

I'm annoyed for you!!! I SH too so I would be totally unhappy with the whole call beforehand thing especially if he can't talk after 10 then what is even the point? I don't know if he meant he can't talk after 5 but you already told him you wouldn't be available from 2 to 5 so what did he think calling you at 1:58?! I think that's on him. He called late. That's his fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You tried to comply to what he wanted.


I'm sorry he wasn't more helpful. I totally get not being able to talk in the workplace. My HR person knows a little bit about my "stuff" so she can be a little supportive but it's not like I have enough privacy even if I were to shut my door, people just walk in all the time. So having to try to explain something to your T while you are at the workplace when you have someone waiting for you at 2 and you only have like two minutes and then you have to have your game face on...the whole thing sounds terribly annoying and ineffective.


I'm sorry I'm not more help. I just feel so frustrated for you.

And also, what an oddly specific time. 1:53? Who does that?

I wish you had someone you didn't feel like you just got stuck with.

I was going to say that too - 1:53 is so specific, what happens if your watches aren't in sync?

I think that you might want to consider that this T is just not that good at actually thinking through the logistics of the situation. He clearly didn't make the mental leap that if you have to be at the clinic at 2, that at 1:53 (or even better, 1:58!) you'd be about to step in with a patient, and absolutely not in an appropriate place to discuss what's going on with you. That's just crazy!

So, I don't think you did anything wrong. But, for your own self-interest, you might want to block off times when you can't talk, rather than expecting him to be able to extrapolate. So, for example, in this case, maybe give yourself an extra 30 minutes on either side of work, and say, "I'm busy from 1:30 - 5:30, but any other time is fine."

It sucks, but it might be a useful way to make sure this doesn't happen again.

And, hopefully he'd be available after 5 for an emergency. In this case, I'd be surprised if he wasn't able to accommodate a call after hours (but before he goes to bed at 10!)

The whole thing about "do you really want me to call you at 2:15am" - was priceless. Thanks for sharing that. And, it also shows that he really isn't thinking this stuff through!

I'm sorry that he screwed this one up, but glad you're going to see him tomorrow... hopefully you can get it all straightened out with him.

I don't think you mishandled it at all.
He wasn't thinking. Seven minutes is not enough time. My guess is he had an appointment until 1:50 and left himself a few minutes wiggle room to wrap it up without realizing that took up all of your wiggle room.

Hugs, I wish you didn't have to worry about reasonable requests/actions being perceived negatively. It is reasonable to say that time won't work, can we try after 5? or to not answer the phone if you're genuinely not available. Those are actions that should be perceived as good boundaries.

It sounds like you both need some clarification about timing and how to check in and what will work for you.

And I do wish you had someone in your corner that you feel is a better match.

He talks a good talk but fails to deliver.

Call me before you SH but oh, not after 10pm?! Then you reach out to him and yet again he messes up by (a) being so busy he can't make time for you and (b) offering to call 7 mins before he *knows* (for you spelled it out for him) you're with patients? And even worse, he calls 2 minutes beforehand?

So much for being available in your time of need. As in: call me before you SH but it has to be within my availability and/or convenience?!

I'd be pretty miffed too.

Sounds to me like he wants to be available but can't actually deliver - and is having trouble admitting (to himself) that he can't actually deliver. And you're suffering because of it.

I've done similar things in my professional life when I was overeager to help. Didn't make this morning's class and need to set up a meeting to go over what you missed? Well, I don't have time to do that, but I do have another class starting in 13 minutes - why don't you just come to that one?!

I was trying to be helpful within the confines of my schedule without realizing how stupid/confusing it was to be on the receiving end of my efforts. Sounds like your T was doing something similar.

If you don't dump him altogether, maybe you and T can have a conversation about his availability - his actual availability, not what he wishes he could provide - and how/whether he can help you meet your therapy goals.