I don't know what came over me but I figured, hey... what do I have to lose??

I told T that I have sexual feelings for him. (Yes, I said it flat-out in those exact words). I told him that the frustration of not being able to engage him to the point in which he is physically attracted to me is immeasurable. I explained out I never had a platonic relationship with a man.... and how even if I was friends with a man, somehow sex would work its way in. I told T how it's so strange for me to be in this emotionally intimate relationship with him, but obviously the sex part is not there-- and this seems like rejection because it is not what I'm used to. I also mentioned the parts of transference in which is gets muddled-- I told him how sometimes I want him to take care of me in a little-girl way. I want him to smooth my hair, rock me, and hand me a teddy. Then other times I want him in a much, much more adult way. And then there are times in the middle in which I just want him to be my therapist.

After all of this I said, "Hey, I want to throw all of these papers at you." And we talked about how of course I would feel like that because obviously he is not going to respond to the sexual stuff in the way that I want. This was towards the end of the session so we agreed to talk about that more next week.

In the beginning of the session we were talking about the SI and I started to go off and internalize it and T really wanted me to stay in the present with him. He kept telling me to look into his eyes and he would say, "It's ok. You are safe. Stay here with me. It's just you and me here."

Then we talked about seeing him at his other office. It was so funny becase I innoncently said, "So.... where is that office, anyway?" (Meanwhile I googled him long ago and I know the name of the office, I have the website, I know his extension there, and I also put it in mapquest and mapped out my route to the office, hahahahaha).

BTW, the teddy came to session today, but he stayed in my bag.

He said there is absolutely not problem with coming to see him twice per week. We are going to talk about a schedule next week because I forgot which days I'm going to school next semester.

Then he said remember-- there is never any reason why you can't come to see me wherever I am. <3<3<3

Then it was really funny because I sighed and he asked, "So what does that mean?" And I told him it meant I was exhausted from this session and it also meant that "thearpy is.... what the %#@&amp;#!?!" And he started laughing and said, "That is the best description I have ever heard of therapy-- ever... therapy is... what the %#@&amp;#!?!"

I gave him my erotic transference paper to read plus a journal article on erotic transference/countertrasnference that reminded me a lot of the way the two of us interact.

Ohh it was funny because the title of the article is "Sex and Love in 45-mintes" and T was staring at it and I asked him, "What?" and he said, "Oh I was just looking at the title 'Sex and Love in 45-minutes' and was wondering what about 90 minutes..." LOL, our sessions are 90 minutes.

Therapy hurts a lot... but damn, I love him again.

The last thing he said as I was getting up to walk out the door was, "Hey-- you know... you can bring the teddy to the other office, too."

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"Hey-- you know... you can bring the teddy to the other office, too."


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Ahhhhhhh PInk, this is the best part of the session.

Congrats on the other stuff. It's so %#@&#! hard.

[jacq10]

(((((((((pinksoil))))))))))
That is so awesome that you were able to tell T! That must have took A LOT of courage. Congrats!!!

[ECHOES]

Wow, pink you did it! That took a ton of courage! Way to go

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So.... where is that office, anyway?"

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.......................................................................................................................

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It's ok. You are safe. Stay here with me. It's just you and me here."

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'm glad your session was a very good one!

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
Therapy hurts a lot... but damn, I love him again.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That really sums it up. I'm so happy you are tight again with your T. And you get to visit him at his new office. And you finally acknowledged the big elephant in the room. I bet you will sleep well tonight.

Oh yay pink! You did so awesomely! I'm jealous! You were so open and honest with him - I wish I could do that. His responses were great (I love the humor). I'm so glad you were able to talk with him openly and honestly and have such a wonderful session.

you are brave. i love reading how you tell him stuff and how he responds so well over and over and over again. i take risks with my therapist too, but i'm well behind you in the risks department. i've just started expressing (not optimally directly) but expressing needy / dependent / clingy / intense fears of abandonment type feelings.

typically by sending emails like:
i don't %#@&amp;#! need you anyway :-p

everyone thought that that was the one symptom of BPD (along with anger) that i simply did not have. except that i did have it (along with anger) of course, it is just that NEVER EVER EVER NOT IN ONE MILLION YEARS would i have expressed those. except that, very gently, i'm starting to. still MILES away from expressing erotic attachment feelings lol.

unless an email like:
%#@&#! you
counts

[LuLu80]

Pink that is so awesome!!! You are very brave... let us know how next session goes!

Oh, I forgot something funny! Just remembered it.

I was telling T about my past relationships... I was telling him about this one guy in particular-- who happens to have the same name as my T. Then we got off the subject for a moment and T wanted to return to it... so he says.... tell me a little more about the"other" man. LOL! He said this because they have the same name.

[MissCharlotte]

JAJAJAJAJA

LOL

T for two?

[lauren_helene]

That is awesome Pink! I love your exchanges...

I somewhat told my T the same thing last session and I got the 'you're a beautiful woman but we can't screw' comment.

Hahahahahaha. Of course, I said no #$%@ and I moved on to other stuff. How different our T's respond to the same topic...I like yours better!

> 'you're a beautiful woman but we can't screw'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no way! OMG I can't believe you guys (or your therapists)!

You know I think I'd rather flush my head repeatedly down the toilet before having this conversation with my t.

blush
Blush
BLUSH

[Kiya]

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alexandra_k said:


You know I think I'd rather flush my head repeatedly down the toilet before having this conversation with my t.

blush
Blush
BLUSH

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ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh me too! I'm thankful I've only had female Ts! I'd just die if i had to work with a male - I wouldn't know what to do. Especiallly if her were hot. I'd have to turn around right back out the door. say sorry! Wrong number!

with this current T? oh god. head flushing sounds oh so much easier. i dunno.. then again, i adore him but i never think of him in a sexual way.. i don't know how i see him, like a friend.

Now, my former T? hot damn. i'da been on him like white on rice if he'd sneezed wrong! hahaha

but i was mortified about it. Knew it couldn't happen, couldn't stop thinking about him and well... wanting him. i was so mortified that i never mentioned it or alluded to it. In my desperation i did research about sex and T's and lo and behold i discover "transference." i wish to go he had mentioned it. i mean, i don't think he knew i was all crushed out, but he knew i was strongly attached and our sessions were limited. He knew i had some level of transference.

i talked to my new T about it and then at my last session with former T i brought it up. Yup. Didn't mention the white on rice, just asked him why he had not told me. He could have saved me a couple of months of painful longing. i still would have felt it, but i would have known how normal it was.

when i did mention it he launched into how someone with my history might see someone like him as a prince charming.... ACK!

i told him he had an over-inflated ego. Prince charming? no.. hot tomale? oh yeah.

but once i knew? about transference i mean.. it was bearable.

i wonder what really makes one T seem like bait and another all fuzzy instead.. i'd share a hammock and pina coladas with current T, but not a bed.

[justpassingby]

Gerber,

I can totally relate to having sexual feelings towards my T. The problem is that I told him how I felt and boy did his face turned red and he sort of changed the subject. Then we discussed my problem that surfaces usually only when I am in a manic state. Otherwise I can keep my emotions and feelings together.

He's so compansionate towards me and really listens to what I say. I've disclosed everything to him so he know me now inside and out for the past two years. He has been great about everything and really tries to help me. I wish I didn't feel the way I do since I am married but I dream about my T in the so called naughty way. I feel guilty but since my marriage is in shambles who cares. He calls me back even when he is on vacation and out of town. This proves that he loves his job and is not doing it just for the money. That just makes me want him even more. What do I do about that?