In Session Today: Part V

I talked to t on the phone. he asked me to catch him up. i told him everything. there's a lot of stuff going on, some of which I haven't rly written abt on here. anyway t mostly asked a lot of questions abt what I was saying. last time I saw t in person which was a few weeks ago, he was angry with me. and I could tell. immediately I noticed his body language and I shut down. i ended up leaving after maybe 7 minutes. it was terrible for me. I am acutely focused on any and all changes in t and his affect and personality and mood...... I feel that I pick up on things that average ppl dont... maybe because we've been working together for 8 yeArs

anyway my session on the phone went okay.... it felt good to talk about stuff... thAt's really all that happened

I brought the Russian dolls to show him. I haven't finished but I have done 4 layers (3 left to do) so I talked him through what I had done so far. The most affecting part to do so far was the older man part. I said that this part was a source of a lot of my confidence and self-belief but also the source of a lot of feelings and behaviours that I have trouble accepting about myself. I know it's because this part is an introjection of a lot of male figures, both loving ones and abusive ones, so it's a confusing and difficult part of my internal makeup. Talked a lot about the feelings that come from that part and also about gender, my feelings about my own gender. It was a good discussion.

We also talked about another part whose role seems to be to contain the other parts. I depicted this part as faceless on the dolls. T asked me if I had any idea who this part was. I said no. T asked me if I can think of any person or character that is like this part.
I said that the only thing that comes to mind is comical scenarios. I described a scene in Frasier where Frasier is pretending to be Jewish to please his girlfriend's mother. He is pretending he isn't cooking ham, concealing the Christmas tree delivery and hiding Niles, who is dressed as Jesus. T said he knows what I am describing - the desperation not to be seen as you really are. That was and accurate description of both Frasier in that episode and also of this part of me.

I told T that someone (also a T) had said to me "parts of you are in love with him, probably" and that I think it is true, parts of me are in love with him. T said that had occurred to him a couple of weeks ago but he thought he had better not say it. I said "Well J said it". T said "I'm glad he did". T asked me what being in love meant to me. I said it feels more passionate than just loving someone. T said it made him think of wanting to merge with someone. I said it reminded me of the Winnicott quote "there's no such thing as baby, only mother and baby" or whatever it is. Like it's a young desire to merge with a caregiver.

I told T I had had and told him details of that.
He was quiet and I asked what he was thinking. He said he was wondering what it was like for me to tell him all that. I said it felt a bit awkward but basically fine. But all the humiliation type feelings aren't present, they are kept away by the containing part (number 3 in the dolls). I said it's weird because I always endeavour to be open with him. T said sometimes number 3 is stronger than my openness. I said yes and sometimes I don't even know. Number 3 keeps it from me. T said it's part of its strategy.

T said he was also relating what I was saying to parts 2 and 4 (2= anxious part, 4=older man) and there seemed to be some interplay between them in the anxiety/control battle between me. I agreed with that.

It was coming to the end of the session. T said he hoped it was okay if he brought a practical question up now. I said yes. He said that he wondered whether we should talk about our plans for holidays next year, because "while we aren't organising our lives round you...." he said he wanted to make sure we didn't get a repeat of last year where our holidays were consecutive. He wanted to make sure we tried to coordinate them. He said if he had known when my holidays were he would have booked his differently. We agreed to tell each other when we book holidays so that we can coordinate them. I thanked him. I was a little taken aback, honestly.

We stood up and hugged. He commented on my shoes which are sparkly and we joked about that. We said goodbye and I left.

I had second therapy appointment of the week, we meet Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It's a good thing I like him. Haha.

I got there ten minutes early and posted on Psych Central obviously.

He came out to get me and commented on my shoes, he always does when I wear heels. He doesn't understand why women want to torture their feet. I always laugh and say they are actually comfortable otherwise I wouldn't wear them to work. He always laughs and says he'll stick with sneakers. it's kind of a running joke.

I take a seat on his super comfortable couch, either that or the chair I'm using for training is a piece of garbage which it is. We discuss my new job; which is going great I like that the Practice Manager has taken me under her wing and is letting me be Junior Practice Manager why I do referrals. This led to a discussion about the old job which caused me to develop PTSD. I can't hear the name of the hospital, I can't hear their names, I can't watch the Big Bang Theory because of a name of character being shared with a former coworker. I wanted to type something much ruder than coworker, but I don't think PC would like my language. I'm kind of scared that my PTSD will make this new job harder. I'm doing and feeling fine and maybe even stable.

We talked about what caused the PTSD and how I wasn't able to take a job as a drug sales representative because they were in the service area I would be assigned. Ironically I still see one of the providers associated with this place he just practices at another location and he's the only doctor I've ever been able to trust. Sometimes I question why, but I still trust him; he's the only one I've seen that treats me as a person instead of illness. I also see him tomorrow and have to take off work early to see him since his hours don't coincide with my work schedule. I also have a huge paper due for my Bachelor's degree so I can use that time to make sure it's perfect before submitting.

We also talked about trying to make friends with the new colleagues since I'm mostly dealing with Doctors, Nurse Practitioner's, Physician Assistant's, and of course their nurses. One of the Physician Assistant's wanted to do lunch with me; which was fine up until I went to grab my wallet from my purse and a letter from the Cardiologist office fell out, and unfortunately for me the place I am going has Cardiology in the name so I couldn't play it off as something else. He got worried and wanted to take my pulse once we got back to the office. I politely told him I had a doctor and he shouldn't worry. He insisted he worry since I'm the only one that hasn't been scared to approach them about either a Referral problem or a Practice problem. With as much as I've seen doctors this year I'm no longer scared. My pulse was 150 resting, he of course was worried. I told him it's lower than normal, when in reality it usually runs around 130. He wanted to order a Holter Monitor, and I told him that I wouldn't be receiving medical care where I work, made that mistake the last time and I payed the cost of being terminated since they knew everything about me. I felt bad, but why I like him; I have my own doctor and if he wanted to he would have ordered one himself instead of sending me directly to a Cardiologist. We talked about how I need to address the referral nightmare with my doctor, because someone made a mistake and I want to know who it was, because they scheduled me with a Cardiologist affiliated with my demonic former workplace. I can't because of anxiety and PTSD. If I see them I will probably say something I'd regret.

We talked about how I'm afraid this Cardiologist is going to write my case as being psychiatric in nature since I do have a Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and he could just call it anxiety when it reality it's probably something since I've had four EKG's since April of this year. I'm terrified of him just seeing me as a Mental Illness and not a heart issue. I hope he doesn't, but it's still something I think about. I'm also super young to be having heart problems, so that might be another strike. I know realistically it's my anxiety making me think worse case scenario.

We talked about maybe discussing my PTSD diagnosis with my doc, since even though he's just a primary doc he's my pdoc as well since I've seen both in my area and walked out of both their offices because they refused to diagnosis me and just put me on the newest medication a drug rep bribed them with lunch, and I had a terrible reaction too. So he deals with my psych issues too. He's never said a cross word about it, besides my therapist is also in Medical School to become a Pdoc, so if I have a drug question I'll asked therapist and then talk to my doctor about it. I don't want to tell my doc since he is still employed there and I don't want to cloud his judgement, same reason I want to show him my paper, since this place is growing so rapidly that it's going to fail and I want him to at least know. I don't know if I tell him about the PTSD, surely he has seen the signs and just doesn't know how to address it, at the same time I don't want him to drop me as a patient since it could be seen as me trying to be vindictive since I was rudely terminated, when in reality I want to help him. Therapist thinks I should tell him about the diagnosis, but in reality I'm on the right medication and seeing a therapist.

At that point of going back of forth of do I tell or not tell my time was up, we hugged and I told him I'd tell him how the appointment went when I saw him Friday.

First time I've ever posted about therapy discussions and that actually felt really satisfying to type.

We talked about so many things. And the last trauma uncovered from dissociation somehow feeling like 'the end', since it answered so many questions.

T was kind and caring, which left me with feelings that he is so cute and lovable. 🍯

What a difference it makes to have a relationship with him as a therapist instead of just a transference relationship.

T said something that made me think he wanted to wash his hands of me after sessions. I sat in silence for a long time. I asked him what he was thinking and he said

"I am sad that you immediately go to that place, that you think I want to wash my hands of you. That's not how I feel about you. At all. But I can't convince you of that. It's a wound in you that feels like I would feel that way about you. And I don't know how to reach that part of you. I think that's part of our work together. To reach that part of you and say you are loved, you are lovable, and it's okay."

First, we talked about how I played tourist guide for a friend from the US over the weekend. On Monday we decided to get drunk and high, which ended in me throwing up for the whole night. Then we shortly talked about an event on climate change I had attended yesterday. I didn't feel any kind of anxiety, which surprised me a bit.

T asked about my medication. Whether I take it regularly and what dose. He asked about side effects, I said I think it makes me a bit sleepy. He said that usually it makes people more awake, but that some also feel sleepy. He said normally that stops after a while. I mentioned how I sleep well, just get sleepy in the afternoon. He asked about feeling sick, headaches and trembling. I don't experience any of that, which is nice. He wanted to know what I think of the med so far. I said I feel a lot less scared. Things that used to trigger me just a few weeks ago and gave me panic attacks now barely bother me. I might get a bit worried, but not like before.
He mentioned that people usually only start to feel effects after a few weeks, but also said how he had the impression for me it was already after a couple of days, which is correct. We decided that I'll stay on the dose I'm on now for the time being.

After some silence, T asked whether I had started reading a book on mindfulness I mentioned last session. I replied that I didn't find time yet, I was busy with the tourist friend. My partner and I met him online and have never met him in person before. T said how that sounds exhausting, to hang out with somebody like that for almost a week every day. I agreed, but said how it got better after we got him high the first time. T wanted to know about some of the substances I mentioned offering the friend, he had never heard of it.

Then we switched to discussing job applications. I have three more interviews coming up and it's exhausting to constantly thing about these things. He wanted to know what kind of things I might be doing and how I feel about it. I said the only thing that worries me is that I'll only be able to come to therapy once a week after I start working. He said we should figure out when we can meet, but I told him I had already told all possible employers that I'd have to take Fridays off. I can't work before or after therapy, before I'm nervous and after I'm tired. And on Friday it's much quieter in his office than on Wednesday.

I rolled up in a ball. He asked what was going on. I replied that I'm sad. I'm scared I couldn't see him anymore. He told me to remind myself how that won't be the case. I did and it helped a bit. He asked about reasons for thinking like this. Are there any evidence that this might happen? I said no, but when I'm sad then people get angry... He asked whether there's any reason he should be angry? I said no, and that he doesn't seem mad either. I cried for a while and managed to calm myself as well. He asked whether there are any feeling besides sadness. I said now I don't feel anything and he replied that nothing is also something, that I should describe it. I said it's emptyness. He asked what's going on in my head, is it empty as well? It wasn't, I was thinking about how I'd like to be able to talk but couldn't, which I told him.

Then I got sad and scared again. I was scared he'd leave. He asked whether there's any evidence for that. I replied that he could die at any time. And then I'd have nothing, no reminder of our time together or anything. He said how I think about the future and past too much. How it would be beneficial to stay in the moment more. We practiced that for a bit and he connected it to mindfulness. He told me to start reading my book.

After calming down a bit, we confirmed our time for Friday and I left.

I had an intense session today – began with a bit of a laugh, as R nearly arrived three hours earlier than scheduled. I began by saying:



‘If last Thursday was the lesson, then Friday was the test,’ before changing tack and inviting her to read the new poem.

She said that the piece was beautifully written, and she could almost take it line by line and ask about each one.

‘I postpone my own howling and shaking…’ She highlighted again how my poetry goes against the grain of me saying that I cannot express my emotions.

We moved in the direction of talking about the Friday, and I really struggled to explain what had happened. Eventually, I said that ‘I lost control…I cried.’ I talked a lot more about it, but couldn’t word it well or look at her. ‘There I go, trying to out-logic emotions.’ In the end she said:



‘You’ve gone away again…this is a bit directive, but can you look at me and try to help me understand?’

She offered her hand, which I grasped as I tried to look at her.

‘Too many words, not enough meaning.’



‘It doesn’t matter to me. That’s The Critic…you’re safe.’

‘You talked about crying as a loss of control. For me, it’s a release of emotion. There are many types of crying.’

‘I think that’s part of it – I never got any release from this.’ I waffled about how a ‘normal’ response would have been to walk away.

‘Normal?’

‘Normal and logical are the same to me.’



We talked about my urge to take off the mask, and R said that she sometimes sees it come off slightly ‘but as soon as I go out of the door’, it goes back on.

‘The only release would be…’



‘Stay with it…’

‘The only release would be her death.’



‘You struggle to even say the words ‘death’ or ‘die’. When you’re expecting somebody to pass or to die, there is a sense of relief…I might be bringing my stuff into the room, sorry.’

We did some somatic stuff, when she asked me to name what I felt in the present moment, and I ‘drifted’ into naming some emotions relating to the previous experience.

‘My shoulders are heavy.’



‘By heavy, do you mean tense? Can you release them? Sometimes we hold our shoulders around our ears without realising.’ I released them a little, but they’re still pretty tense as I write this.

‘Instead of being allowed to grieve, they gave me their grief.’

‘They gave you their grief and left you overwhelmed and depleted. You suffered, and continue to suffer.’

She asked me how I felt at the end of the session, and the only word I could reach was calm.

‘A complex calm.’



She asked me what my plans were for the rest of the day.



'I had a work meeting via Skype that was supposed to be on Tuesday, one of my colleagues emailed and cancelled with two hours' notice, mumble mumble, so now it's tonight, mumble mumble...'



'I'll interpret the mumble mumble for myself...I hope you have a good week.'

Brief recap of T session from Monday: Sat down, he said, smiling, "You decided to come back!" Me: "Yes, for now at least!" Talked briefly about some stuff that came up in PC thread.

The main topic we discussed was my leaving Sunday's 5K race after a mile (1/3 of race). T: "Tell me about what happened." I said it was a mix of the cold (temperatures right at freezing--32 F), extreme difficulty of the course (cross country, some really steep hills), and my having trouble breathing. I said how at first, when I got back to the car, I was crying and really down on myself, texting H to apologize for being a quitter and a failure. H was supportive. Then I said how I started trying to reframe it to myself, to think, "OK, this was a case of me realizing that something was too much for me and taking myself out of it. I didn't fail." Me to T: "So I think that's progress, right?" T, looking pleased, "Yes I'd say so." He said how I'd used some physiological coping skills with crying, then getting myself to stop. Then I reached out for and received social support from my H. Then I used more cognitive sort of skills in the self-talk. Me: "Also, even a couple weeks ago, I most likely would have contacted you to look for reassurance. But I didn't feel I had to do that. Plus I figured I'd see you today." T seemed to think that was good, too.

He said I should see what I can take out of what happened with the 5K. T: "There's a saying that 'experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.'" I said I wasn't sure I'd heard that before. So he talked about what I could take away from it. I said partly that perhaps cross-country courses aren't for me. Or that I need more training in cold weather. He was saying could go beyond that. He asked if he'd talked to me about "fixed vs. growth mindset" before. I said I didn't think so.

So he went on to explain how a fixed mindset means someone might think they do or don't have natural talent in something and that's just how they are. While a growth mindset, they feel they have the potential to improve in something, even if no natural talent. I said the fixed mindset resonated with me--I'd always thought and been told I was no good at athletic endeavors. So in my head, I'm just not an athlete. And for example, that 10 years ago, I took a karate class, which I felt was a great physical workout. But I wasn't picking up on skills as quickly and felt like I was holding the class back and ended up quitting. T said was interesting that I was also worried about the other students being annoyed with me. I said was reason I felt I could never do a team sport.

I said was kind of like that with art, too, was told at one point as a kid that I was "terrible" at painting, so I just assumed I sucked at it and didn't try much after that. I said how my mom said if I encountered something difficult, I'd often just give up instead of continuing to try. How I stuck with things that came more easily to me, like academics (English and math particularly). T said that's a form of fixed mindset, too, assuming I'm good at certain things, rather than having to make an effort. So then it was probably jarring for me if I encountered something more difficult in that area. I said yeah, with math.

He said with a growth mindset, then one thinks that they can get better at most anything with practice. He said even if someone has natural talent in an area, if they don't practice and work at it, then someone without natural talent who *does* work at it will most likely surpass them. Which I found to be interesting. So we talked about ways I could try to apply the growth mindset to my life, including in terms of running/walking but also beyond that.

It was a session that really made me think about some of the patterns I had throughout my life and also how my parents had contributed to them. Scheduled, I went over to pay, he shook my hand and said, "Good luck out there today." I turned to leave, he gestured at the couch and said, "Would you mind throwing away those couple of tissues?" Me: "Oh sorry! I didn't realize I'd left them there." T: "It's OK." I grabbed them and threw them in trash." T: "Take good care." Me: "Thanks, you too."

(((LT))) My parents were always encouraging me to quit stuff - but i think it was stuff that affected them, like if i talked to them about it. If they didnt know about it, i just went ahead and did it. Like i just went ahead and did my homework by myself all thru school, because the "prime directive" had been just to do whatever the nuns and teachers tell you to do. Once i started talking to them, like about boys and friends and life, thats when i got into trouble. They had no good advice. This "fixed vs growth" is very good for me to hang onto right now. Hey its never too late!

(((LT))) and (((unaluna))) I think for me, my parents were so adamant that I didn't quit anything that I've stayed at jobs far longer than was healthy for me, etc. My parents were of the mindset that once you start, you never quit, even when there's good reasons to. I took piano as a child and have no aptitude for it, but my parents made me stick with it for 10 years even though I wasn't progressing much as a student, and I didn't enjoy it. I wasn't getting anything out of it, but there's a stick-to-it-ness in my family that can be overdone. I think it's good sometimes to know that just because something is begun doesn't mean it has to be completed. I guess my parents were just on the extreme end. Never quit. Be better. An A isn't enough. Why didn't you get an A+? They just wanted what was best for me, but didn't allow my input into what was best for me. Sigh. Kit

(((Kit))) not to contradict myself, but they would pull that line on me too. Whichever way was "right" for the moment. Really no wonder im effin nuts.

I was supposed to have therapy today. In fact, I'd be in his office right now.

As I was heading out the door he texted to cancel. His bird has been in the hospital and it had just passed away. I feel really bad for him. I know how hard it is to lose a pet and he loved that little bird (African Grey) so much. I obviously told him I was very sorry for his loss.

I guess it worked out because I didn't really have anything to talk about anyway. I had written him a four page letter I wanted to give him about how disappointed I am in his classes at school, but that was separate from therapy anyway.

We are booked for next Thursday, and I will see him on Monday at school if classes aren't cancelled. I'm not sure if he's going to pick up his bird's body or not (his bird was at a vet in another province).

I just feel empty when I haven't had therapy, but I know it's not the end of the world, and I'm thankfully in a good place right now anyway. So instead, I'm writing my paper on the Rorschach Ink Blot Test - it's due Monday. This will have to be my therapy.

I had to explain what "human centipede" was. Fml

I have never heard that term. You'd have to explain it to me, too.

Ive asked for trigger warning. Please go to another forum to discuss this.

I think they were joking, don't worry

Hugs, Kit. That doesn't seem healthy either, to make you stick with something for that long that you dislike. Mine didn't push for that but were similar in the "Oh, you only got an A-, why not an A+?" mindset. Focusing on what I didn't do vs. what I did. It's no wonder I'm a perfectionist...and always worry about letting authority figures down...

I’m so confused. What is triggering?

I wasnt joking. I googled it. a pretty gross horror movie came up. Thats why i asked for a trigger warning, and for it to be discussed in another forum. It was not a pleasant surprise, to say the LEAST.

If you have an INNOCENT, clean, inoffensive, G-rated explanation, i would love to hear it.

I also found another, also-non-G-rated definition. I...would not suggest trying to find it.