[Lrad123]

My T discloses very little about himself which has sometimes been a struggle for me. For example, I’ve posted before about my frustration when he didn’t tell me what kind of pet he has. In general I think I have quite good boundaries- if anything perhaps they are more on the rigid side. The one exception might be my need to occasionally do an internet search to find info about him (I’ve posted about this before too, so I apologize for being repetitive, but I struggle with this). He has extremely limited personal info online, but I’ve looked at all of his family members’ FB pages and even paid a monthly fee for one of those search sites (but cancelled after a month). At first I was just looking for red flags, I think, and a number of months ago I felt so guilty about it that I confessed to him. I did not talk about any details, only that I’d searched online and felt guilty about it. In short, he completely normalized it and even said something about being flattered and that it’s normal to be curious about one’s therapist. I have trouble with trust and sharing so maybe he was just glad I was sharing something. I’ve mellowed out about looking for info, but I do occasionally look. It’s a weird feeling knowing that he chooses not to disclose, yet I have a list of random personal-ish things I know about him that I’m sure he would not choose to tell me. On the one hand I feel guilty about it, but on the other hand I think it makes things feel more fair and balanced.

One of my main therapy issues has been pushing him away when I feel like we’re getting too close or I feel vulnerable and I have surprised myself with how creative I can get with this. Just recently I emailed him on my mother’s bday, saying I felt bad because we are estranged. I meant to only talk about that, but almost as if my body was overtaken by an alien, in the same email I confessed (completely unplanned) to finding a loving photo of him on his sister’s FB page hugging his mother and sister with the caption that read “Happy Mother’s Day to a wonderful mother.” Afterwards, I was mortified that I had confessed that in an email. In retrospect I think I was trying to say something that I thought might annoy him or create some distance. But afterwards I was genuinely worried that I had annoyed him or creeped him out by crossing a boundary. His response confused me. Instead of being upset, he responded by saying that he loved that I’d shared that with him and that he knows it was scary to bring up. I meet with him later this week and I feel sick with shame. I wish I had never confessed and I am so anxious about talking to him. I’m also confused about what happened. I don’t really think that doing an internet search is a huge deal, but I looked at his sister’s FB page and then chose to tell him about it. Have I crossed a boundary?

[downandlonely]

I think it's up to your T whether you crossed a boundary or not. Personally, I think if someone chooses to make information public on Facebook, everyone has the right to look at it.

[SalingerEsme]

Wow so this is a really fascinating response that he said he loved that you shared it. He must be ultra receptive to you taking trust steps. I wonder if social media is just confusing for everyone? Do you think this is about a balancing of power in your unconscious? I know for me I feel my therapist has alllllllll the power in the room by keeping secrets that aren't even secrets while I tell all of mine. I think your feeling of being taken over by aliens is very telling- almost triggered or dissociated . Also there is the other layer of social media with email being this kind of truth elixir medium of things we might not dare say face to face. Of course you should be honest and say you felt ashamed , but you definitely could have a kind of bravado and just act like it's the norm bc he might think it is? I have no real feel for what is going on from his side, but I have a ton of empathy for the feeling of omg what did I say, and then having to wait, and then having to face it. I'm kind of interested in the Winicott transitional object idea, as it plays into social media- is there any way the ritual of looking for T could be looked at through a lens besides boundaries?

[LonesomeTonight]

I think it depends on what you think and what T thinks. If he responded OK to it in the email, then I imagine he's fine with it. Though he may want to talk about what prompted you to do the search and what you felt about what you found.

I'm someone who searches my T, too (and searched ex-MC, but don't feel like going into that right now). When I first mentioned googling him in general, like during an early session, he said he felt it was totally normal to google someone (later, he said that the "first page" of google results is fine, but he's less comfortable beyond that, which seems like a weird distinction, but OK). Months later, I admitted to finding a particular thing with him online. He said he felt uncomfortable about one aspect of it, but the fact that I'd seen it was fine. And when I emailed him about it later, worried he'd change his mind, he said something similar to what your T did--that he was glad I'd told him about it. I think T's just often like when we're open about things with them.

On another note...it's interesting that I've done some googling of him since then, but I haven't felt the need to tell him about it. I think before, both with him and ex-MC, maybe it was a "test" of sorts? Like will you still accept me if you know I did this? But now...maybe it's almost like he's passed that particular test. So there's no need to tell him things about googling. Like I figure, why does he need to know? I'm not hurting anyone. I feel that's some sort of progress on my part (to the point that I almost want to talk to him about it, but then...I'd have to share).

But anyway, I think, especially since you've told him about googling before and that he responded OK to that and also to your email, that it will be OK in session. Again, he may want to discuss it, but please try to believe him if he says it's OK. Remember that you may be projecting your own guilt onto him, like if you feel bad about it, you assume he'll be mad at you, even if he's not. Hope it goes well!

[Lrad123]

SE - I had to look up Winnicott transitional object. It could be related to that, but I think I’m just curious sometimes about who this person is who I spend so much time with and who I’m expected to share secrets with. I have no desire to see him outside of therapy and am not jealous of him or his family as I know others have mentioned. I just want to know a teensy bit about him. So maybe it’s about balance of power. I’m normally very respectful which is I think why I feel so ashamed. I’m so worried I’m going to get there and he’s going to tell me I’ve done something wrong. I do love your idea of email as truth elixir as that has certainly been my experience and is perhaps the reason my T allows me to email him. He has said before that my emails are very revealing (for better or for worse).

[Lrad123]

LT - I follow your In Session posts and find them fascinating and inspiring even though I don’t comment much, so thanks for that. I am worried as you mentioned that he may initially say it’s ok, but after some thought may change his mind and be bothered or creeped out by my search or my choice to tell him about it. He’s been so unflappable and accepting of everything. It’s confusing. I’d like him to be honest with me if he’s bothered by my behavior but I’m also terrified by that.

[imnotbroken]

Thank you so much for bringing up this topic, Lrad123. In fact, I was just thinking about social media boundaries in the therapeutic relationship. I've done something that might've been considered as a boundary crossing, due to the consequences. What happened was a little bit similar to your situation.

I saw my T on a different day than the usual weekly schedule. Later that night, I was talking to my folks about having dinner at a local pizza place, but we decided not to go. The following morning, I saw that she'd been tagged in a picture at that same place we were thinking of going. I'd recognized the design, but I wasn't 100% sure. So, as soon as I saw her the next week, I said, "This has been bothering me. I gotta ask. Were you at [pizza name place] the night of our previous session?" Then I explained that I'd seen the picture (we're friends on social media) and she was like, "when you asked me if I'd been there I thought you were there and had seen me". (That was probably a better excuse, but I couldn't be sure it was the place).

The next morning, coincidence or not, I no longer had access to that particular picture. So yeah, I got the message that I might be way too attached and clingy and she felt it necessary to set some boundaries.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by imnotbroken

Thank you so much for bringing up this topic, Lrad123. In fact, I was just thinking about social media boundaries in the therapeutic relationship. I've done something that might've been considered as a boundary crossing, due to the consequences. What happened was a little bit similar to your situation.

I saw my T on a different day than the usual weekly schedule. Later that night, I was talking to my folks about having dinner at a local pizza place, but we decided not to go. The following morning, I saw that she'd been tagged in a picture at that same place we were thinking of going. I'd recognized the design, but I wasn't 100% sure. So, as soon as I saw her the next week, I said, "This has been bothering me. I gotta ask. Were you at [pizza name place] the night of our previous session?" Then I explained that I'd seen the picture (we're friends on social media) and she was like, "when you asked me if I'd been there I thought you were there and had seen me". (That was probably a better excuse, but I couldn't be sure it was the place).

The next morning, coincidence or not, I no longer had access to that particular picture. So yeah, I got the message that I might be way too attached and clingy and she felt it necessary to set some boundaries.

Ouch. It would have been nice for her to talk to you about it before blocking access to the photo. I actually keep checking to see if I still have access to the photo I referenced because I think I’d feel hurt if his first reaction was to make sure it was blocked. So far, it’s still there for me to see . . . on his sister’s private FB page. Ugh.

[SalingerEsme]

It's so layered- we are posting on social media about social media about social media . My T wrote about me on Reddit. I processed a riot of conflicting feelings about it( on here) , I didn't mention it for a while, but then blurted it out kind of like with your description- taken over by aliens. I am afraid he is going to give me the boot on Tuesday. I feel guilty for having seen it, but I was searching my dx and how to be better with trust and it popped up.

Maybe you feel some healthy guilt because it is out of character behavior for you, and somehow doesn't align with your sense of self? That's just another guess. You wouldn't have been as thrown off if he was angry in a way.