[SummerTime12]

Huge trigger to those who do not want to read about things related to suicide.

I saw my T today after being in the hospital for 4 days from a suicide attempt. I felt really ashamed the whole time. It also felt like something was different between us because he lost trust in me, and me in him. I want things to go back to normal, and I have hope that they will if I work hard.

I keep feeling like he wouldn’t have cared if I’d died, but he says he was really worried. I sort of felt less than human when he said he has a “perfect record” (no patient deaths) and I came the closest to breaking it.

I love the guy and he is amazing, but I don’t know how to truly believe that he cares.
Hugs and comments appreciated <3

[Raging Quiet]

(((Huge hugs)))

I hope you can work through everything authentically with him.

[growlycat]

It’s not about his “perfect record” it’s about providing care to you!! It makes me mad that he is making it about him. I hope you are ok and I hope your t steps up.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I sort of felt less than human when he said he has a “perfect record” (no patient deaths) and I came the closest to breaking it.

Not the most tactful thing for him to say. I'd prefer, "Thank God you're all right! I was afraid I was going to lose you."

But if he does care, he's had a nasty shock and may not be thinking clearly.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by growlycat

It’s not about his “perfect record” it’s about providing care to you!! It makes me mad that he is making it about him. I hope you are ok and I hope your t steps up.

I had the same reaction to reading that--it's not about him! If he's worried that he's failed you, that's something he needs to be dealing with on his own, reflecting and/or talking to a supervisor or his own T (if he has one) or else consulting with another T(s). I agree with CE too that he's probably just shaken up because he cares about you and isn't thinking clearly. I think it might just take a little time for things to get back to normal with him.

Hope you're doing OK...is it possible to see him more frequently for a bit?

[Lemoncake]

I really hope you're feeling a smidge better. Do you have a treatment plan for more intensive care?

It's about you summer not him. There will be two types of therapists: one who have lost a client and those who haven't. It isn't a reflection of how good he is.

[Pierre Psyclectic]

Huge hugs also,

seems that you both have to rebuild trust in yourself to then repair the trust between the two of you.

[Taylor27]

Huge hugs its not about him or having the perfect record. That was very wrong of him to say to you. Do you have a care treatment pland in place, support? It's not easy getting out of the hospital. I hope your t shows more compassion towards you Hugs.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt. It would be very difficult the session after. But I'm glad that you didn't succeed in your attempt. I'm sorry your T's comment was insensitive or at least, not what you needed to hear in the moment. I hope that the trust can be rebuilt. Do you have extra sessions for a bit or more contact between sessions? It can be hard after an attempt...do you have enough support from T or other places?

[maybeblue]

I am very glad you are OK.

I agree that this isn't about his "record." It isn't about him. It's about you. However, I also want to say that having a client die from suicide is probably one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a therapist. It scares them a lot. One of my friends who is a T lost a client a year ago and she is still struggling. She isn't angry at the client, but she is angry at the mental illness. And she goes back and tries to think what she could do differently.

I'm not saying that your therapist's feelings are your responsibility. They are not. And honestly I know what it feels like to be so despondent that suicide seems like the only option, so I'm not blaming you at all. But I am saying that your therapist absolutely does care about you being OK. I am as certain of that as I can be.

I hope that you can accept that the suicide attempt was a result of an illness. It wasn't something you decided to do to hurt anyone else. But people who care about you, including your therapist, would have been very sad if you had died. Take care of yourself and keep talking to him. This will make you stronger.

[susannahsays]

While I don't like the "perfect record" comment, if he was really that concerned about it in the way it comes off, he would be planning on terminating you as a client. Doesn't sound like that's the case, which is great. It was still a clumsy comment, obviously, and I understand why you felt less than human. Do you have any idea what would help you believe he cares?

[mostlylurking]

I'm very glad you're okay, summer. I'm sorry you've been suffering so much.

I was going to say something similar to maybeblue. Your T made a really insensitive comment, but it may have been because he really was very frightened. He might have been thinking along the lines of "Thank god things didn't turn out differently, I've never had to face losing a client before and it's horrible to imagine." That doesn't excuse the "perfect record" comment, but I think he could have made that mistake because he was feeling pretty strong emotions.

And I don't think those emotions would be about his professional record. Very good therapists lose clients sometimes and he surely knows that -- it's not about him. I think he was simply very worried about you, and thinking of what a loss he would have suffered if you had not come through this.

You might consider bringing this comment up to him, and letting him know how it made you feel. It would give him a chance to (hopefully!) apologize and explain his thoughts better.

Huge hugs to you, summer, I'm glad you're still with us

[SummerTime12]

Thank you ALL so much for the hugs. It honestly felt super comforting to know people out there care. Sorry this is gonna be super long (longest reply ever?) because I quoted everybody! A general update though: I’ve been having lots of mixed feelings, at times I’m thankful it didn’t work. These are the moments when I’m with loved ones and having a good time, or just sitting with my dogs, or watching the kids I nanny for laugh and love and just be their innocent selves. Other times, I feel ashamed that I did such a stupid thing and wasn’t thinking about how hurt my family and friends would be. And then there are times I wish I’d succeeded and want to do it again but do it right. Those are times like tonight when I fight with my husband and think he doesn’t actually care that I could have died.

Originally Posted by growlycat

It’s not about his “perfect record” it’s about providing care to you!! It makes me mad that he is making it about him. I hope you are ok and I hope your t steps up.

Thank you growly, it was definitely an insensitive comment, although I doubt that he meant it in a wrong way. I’m curious to see how he’ll be at our next session.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Not the most tactful thing for him to say. I'd prefer, "Thank God you're all right! I was afraid I was going to lose you."

But if he does care, he's had a nasty shock and may not be thinking clearly.

Honestly this is exactly what I wish he’d said 😢
You make a good point that it could be due to shock though

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I had the same reaction to reading that--it's not about him! If he's worried that he's failed you, that's something he needs to be dealing with on his own, reflecting and/or talking to a supervisor or his own T (if he has one) or else consulting with another T(s). I agree with CE too that he's probably just shaken up because he cares about you and isn't thinking clearly. I think it might just take a little time for things to get back to normal with him.

Hope you're doing OK...is it possible to see him more frequently for a bit?

Thank you LT, I’m hoping it was just the shock also. I honestly have no idea if he sees a supervisor and I kind of want to ask him but then I’d feel weird asking. I sorta doubt he has one because I know he’s never been in therapy.
I’m seeing him twice this week and probably next week also, which is good! After that I start school and an internship so will only have time for 1x week

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

I really hope you're feeling a smidge better. Do you have a treatment plan for more intensive care?

It's about you summer not him. There will be two types of therapists: one who have lost a client and those who haven't. It isn't a reflection of how good he is.

Thank you Lemoncake. I did feel quite a bit better yesterday, I think that’s mostly due to spending 12 hours nannying for kiddos I love dearly!
I’ll be seeing him more frequently for the next week and a half

Originally Posted by Cheryl27

Huge hugs its not about him or having the perfect record. That was very wrong of him to say to you. Do you have a care treatment pland in place, support? It's not easy getting out of the hospital. I hope your t shows more compassion towards you Hugs.

Thanks so much for the hugs Cheryl, I’ll be seeing T often and then my psychiatrist next week. I think he feels compassion but it’s like he just doesn’t know exactly how to show it? Or doesn’t think it would be professional? I’m not sure.

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt. It would be very difficult the session after. But I'm glad that you didn't succeed in your attempt. I'm sorry your T's comment was insensitive or at least, not what you needed to hear in the moment. I hope that the trust can be rebuilt. Do you have extra sessions for a bit or more contact between sessions? It can be hard after an attempt...do you have enough support from T or other places?

I appreciate the hugs! I do have extra sessions for some time. I probably could contact him, but I think I’d need to talk to him in person first to make sure he’s really ok with that, otherwise I’d feel too guilty. The friends and family who now are being very supportive, which is helpful.

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I am very glad you are OK.

I agree that this isn't about his "record." It isn't about him. It's about you. However, I also want to say that having a client die from suicide is probably one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a therapist. It scares them a lot. One of my friends who is a T lost a client a year ago and she is still struggling. She isn't angry at the client, but she is angry at the mental illness. And she goes back and tries to think what she could do differently.

I'm not saying that your therapist's feelings are your responsibility. They are not. And honestly I know what it feels like to be so despondent that suicide seems like the only option, so I'm not blaming you at all. But I am saying that your therapist absolutely does care about you being OK. I am as certain of that as I can be.

I hope that you can accept that the suicide attempt was a result of an illness. It wasn't something you decided to do to hurt anyone else. But people who care about you, including your therapist, would have been very sad if you had died. Take care of yourself and keep talking to him. This will make you stronger.

Maybeblue, thank you for offering your perspective. I can definitely see how he would feel extremely upset at a client dying, so that probably impacted a lot of our most recent session. To be honest, I’m still just a student studying to be a social worker, but I already have worried about that happening in my future!

Originally Posted by Raging Quiet

(((Huge hugs)))

I hope you can work through everything authentically with him.

Thank you raging quiet 💕

Originally Posted by susannahsays

While I don't like the "perfect record" comment, if he was really that concerned about it in the way it comes off, he would be planning on terminating you as a client. Doesn't sound like that's the case, which is great. It was still a clumsy comment, obviously, and I understand why you felt less than human. Do you have any idea what would help you believe he cares?

That is true, I’m very thankful he’s not giving up on me as some therapists would. I think if he said it that would help, but I’m too scared to ask.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I'm very glad you're okay, summer. I'm sorry you've been suffering so much.

I was going to say something similar to maybeblue. Your T made a really insensitive comment, but it may have been because he really was very frightened. He might have been thinking along the lines of "Thank god things didn't turn out differently, I've never had to face losing a client before and it's horrible to imagine." That doesn't excuse the "perfect record" comment, but I think he could have made that mistake because he was feeling pretty strong emotions.

And I don't think those emotions would be about his professional record. Very good therapists lose clients sometimes and he surely knows that -- it's not about him. I think he was simply very worried about you, and thinking of what a loss he would have suffered if you had not come through this.

You might consider bringing this comment up to him, and letting him know how it made you feel. It would give him a chance to (hopefully!) apologize and explain his thoughts better.

Thank you for the kind words mostlylurking. I really hope that it was because he cares, but it’s so hard to believe it for some reason. I want to bring it up to him but I’m scared 😟 I feel like then I would be admitting how much I care how he feels about me.

Originally Posted by whispershadow

Huge hugs to you, summer, I'm glad you're still with us

Thank you so much whispershadow❤️

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

I honestly have no idea if he sees a supervisor and I kind of want to ask him but then I’d feel weird asking.

You're alway allowed to ask.

If he wasn't in supervision, he ought be now. He needs to process this.

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

To be honest, I’m still just a student studying to be a social worker, but I already have worried about that happening in my future!

I'm glad you are thinking about the future!

[SummerTime12]

Well I didn’t ask about supervision but I did get the courage to ask about the perfect record comment. I said “if something had happened, would you have cared aside from it breaking your record?” He apologized and said it was a very poorly timed attempt at humor because he often uses humor to break tension/deal with strong emotions. He said said he would have been very very upset had anything happened. And that he felt sad that his reaction had caused me to feel that he didn’t care.
I felt a lot better after the session. Thanks to all who encouraged me to ask him about it!

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Well I didn’t ask about supervision but I did get the courage to ask about the perfect record comment. I said “if something had happened, would you have cared aside from it breaking your record?” He apologized and said it was a very poorly timed attempt at humor because he often uses humor to break tension/deal with strong emotions. He said said he would have been very very upset had anything happened. And that he felt sad that his reaction had caused me to feel that he didn’t care.
I felt a lot better after the session. Thanks to all who encouraged me to ask him about it!

I'm glad you were able to talk about that comment with your T and that he he apologized for it and said how upset he'd actually be. I could honestly see my T making a similar poor attempt at humor, so his explanation makes total sense. I suspect he was trying to keep his own emotions in, when those were exactly what you needed to see at that time. So good he was open about them this time.

[SalingerEsme]

I am so glad you are still here, and your T is still there( despite his not so funny humor). I hope things become more livable.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Well I didn’t ask about supervision but I did get the courage to ask about the perfect record comment. I said “if something had happened, would you have cared aside from it breaking your record?” He apologized and said it was a very poorly timed attempt at humor because he often uses humor to break tension/deal with strong emotions. He said said he would have been very very upset had anything happened. And that he felt sad that his reaction had caused me to feel that he didn’t care.
I felt a lot better after the session. Thanks to all who encouraged me to ask him about it!

I am happy that your attempt didn't work, and things are working out. Please for your self, and every one that knows you, and loves you, please talk to some one, anyone when you feel this bad. I know from personal experience how close you can come to not be!!! Too many people would be devastated if your attempt had worked, and it isn't worth the pain caused to others. So I am happy for you, and your loved ones that you are doing better!!!

[PurpleBlur]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Huge trigger to those who do not want to read about things related to suicide.

I saw my T today after being in the hospital for 4 days from a suicide attempt. I felt really ashamed the whole time. It also felt like something was different between us because he lost trust in me, and me in him. I want things to go back to normal, and I have hope that they will if I work hard.

I keep feeling like he wouldn’t have cared if I’d died, but he says he was really worried. I sort of felt less than human when he said he has a “perfect record” (no patient deaths) and I came the closest to breaking it.

I love the guy and he is amazing, but I don’t know how to truly believe that he cares.
Hugs and comments appreciated <3

was your suicide attempt a test of his devotion to you?

[peacelizard]

I'm not a therapist, but I do work on an inpatient psych floor for people with bipolar, schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders and I've experienced my fair share of being directly involved with people attempting suicide on the unit, people I've worked with a long time and committed suicide outside the hospital, etc.

As someone else said already, for people who work in mental health, there's a very obvious dividing line between people who have experienced stuff like that and those that haven't. Not that that's a bad thing. As much as those experiences have been catalysts for personal growth, sometimes I wish I could give everything back. Because they're traumatizing. Quite traumatizing.

After the one incident I was involved in on the unit, I started seeing the classic symptoms of PTSD and it took years to work through. A lot of it has died down now, but it's still there; I can recall it if I want to and it still crops up in moments of extreme stress. I still get triggered sometimes when I work on the unit.

And then the day another patient's parents called the unit to tell us he'd committed suicide and that we were all invited to his memorial, when I got home I cried like a baby. That was almost a year ago and my eyes still well up with tears any time I think or talk about him.

So, long story short, I'm sure your therapist cares a great deal about you. Most do, whether they let on or not. Why they chose to say that to you, I honestly don't know. Only they do. But if I had to guess, since they've never lost someone, it's probably very hard for them to talk about. It's too real, too tangible, even though they've never experienced it themselves. It's the dark elephant in the room that they try not to acknowledge even though it's a very real part of life, especially in the work that they do.

[SummerTime12]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm glad you were able to talk about that comment with your T and that he he apologized for it and said how upset he'd actually be. I could honestly see my T making a similar poor attempt at humor, so his explanation makes total sense. I suspect he was trying to keep his own emotions in, when those were exactly what you needed to see at that time. So good he was open about them this time.

Our Ts our quite similar! A lot of times when I read your sessions I think to myself that I could literally hear myself saying what you say, and my T responding the way yours does. You’ve got a good read on the situation, my T actually straight up told me that he always tries hard to keep his emotions out of the room, and that the bad joke was probably him trying to figure out a way to do that.

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I am so glad you are still here, and your T is still there( despite his not so funny humor). I hope things become more livable.

Thank you Esme, I have hope that there is a chance things could get better. It’s not very good right now, but I’ve hung on for 24 years so I figure I can find the strength in me somewhere to keep going.

Originally Posted by katydid777

I am happy that your attempt didn't work, and things are working out. Please for your self, and every one that knows you, and loves you, please talk to some one, anyone when you feel this bad. I know from personal experience how close you can come to not be!!! Too many people would be devastated if your attempt had worked, and it isn't worth the pain caused to others. So I am happy for you, and your loved ones that you are doing better!!!

Thank you katydid ❤️ That means a lot. I keep reminding myself of my loved ones also.

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

was your suicide attempt a test of his devotion to you?

That’s a good question. I honestly feel the attempt was me trying to escape the pain of life (because I was truly hoping to not wake up), but then when he didn’t respond to me well in crisis, it also became a test. I’m probably still testing him now to be honest, and I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not.

Originally Posted by peacelizard

I'm not a therapist, but I do work on an inpatient psych floor for people with bipolar, schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders and I've experienced my fair share of being directly involved with people attempting suicide on the unit, people I've worked with a long time and committed suicide outside the hospital, etc.

As someone else said already, for people who work in mental health, there's a very obvious dividing line between people who have experienced stuff like that and those that haven't. Not that that's a bad thing. As much as those experiences have been catalysts for personal growth, sometimes I wish I could give everything back. Because they're traumatizing. Quite traumatizing.

After the one incident I was involved in on the unit, I started seeing the classic symptoms of PTSD and it took years to work through. A lot of it has died down now, but it's still there; I can recall it if I want to and it still crops up in moments of extreme stress. I still get triggered sometimes when I work on the unit.

And then the day another patient's parents called the unit to tell us he'd committed suicide and that we were all invited to his memorial, when I got home I cried like a baby. That was almost a year ago and my eyes still well up with tears any time I think or talk about him.

So, long story short, I'm sure your therapist cares a great deal about you. Most do, whether they let on or not. Why they chose to say that to you, I honestly don't know. Only they do. But if I had to guess, since they've never lost someone, it's probably very hard for them to talk about. It's too real, too tangible, even though they've never experienced it themselves. It's the dark elephant in the room that they try not to acknowledge even though it's a very real part of life, especially in the work that they do.

Thank you so much for sharing this, peacelizard. It helps to hear the other perspective in the situation. I am so so sorry for the lasting trauma that losing patients has left you with. I really would hate to put my T through this (or anyone else of course). I hope that you can continue to heal

[peacelizard]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

Thank you so much for sharing this, peacelizard. It helps to hear the other perspective in the situation. I am so so sorry for the lasting trauma that losing patients has left you with. I really would hate to put my T through this (or anyone else of course). I hope that you can continue to heal

Thank you for the concern. It gets better, little by little, each day and as painful as it was, I wouldn't trade it for anything. I believe each experience teaches me something, both as a patient and provider of mental health treatment. Those experiences along with all the others have helped tremendously to make me the person I am today, personally and professionally. And if I'm ever able to reach my goal of going to medical school and eventually becoming an outpatient psychiatrist that offers a mix of psychopharmacology and psychotherapy, it will be in large part because of those formative experiences.

So, always remember that your treaters care about you, often more than you'll ever know. They just may not be able to express it in the right way, whether because of their following of a professional code of ethics or because they're not the best at it themselves, made of flesh and blood, the same as you and I.

[PurpleBlur]

Originally Posted by SummerTime12

That’s a good question. I honestly feel the attempt was me trying to escape the pain of life (because I was truly hoping to not wake up), but then when he didn’t respond to me well in crisis, it also became a test. I’m probably still testing him now to be honest, and I’m not sure if that’s healthy or not.

Testing him is fine. Testing him by endangering your life is not fine.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

Testing him is fine. Testing him by endangering your life is not fine.