[lucozader]

Yesterday I went to meet with a potential new T. For ridiculous reasons, I'm being forced to leave my beloved current T and find someone else.

He's perfect. He fits all my criteria, and those set by my university. He's a ten minute walk from my house, five minutes from work, I can afford his fees. He is person-centred as f***, which I really like. He came across as intelligent, eloquent, very genuine and very empathic, and the rapport between us seemed really good.

I had assumed he was about five years older than me. I was pretty much fine with that. Then I saw his LinkedIn profile and worked out, looking at the years he attended university, that it's probably much closer than that. Then my friend looked him up on ancestry.com - his birth year is the same as mine. He's the same age as me.

This has sent me into some sort of obsessive spiral. Now I can't stop comparing myself to him and feeling jealous of him. He's about a decade ahead of me, career-wise. He's been in private practice for a long time, and he also teaches and supervises. I've only just qualified because I have made a total mess of my life, because I'm a useless f***-up. We seem to share a lot of views on therapy and a lot of the same interests in that area... he's like me, like a much, much better version of me. A successful me.

Also, he's gorgeous. He's a gorgeous proper adult human. I am not. I look a lot younger than I am. I dress a lot younger than I am. I don't know how to be an adult. I'm not pretty. I'm not very good at looking after myself. My skin is bad, my hair is too thin and the wrong length because I hate getting it cut. I'm pale and weird and awkward. My health has not been good in the last few years, and my diet isn't good either. You can tell that from looking at me.

So... yeah. There's a sampling of the thoughts that have been triggered by my finding out he's the same age as me. Even though a five year difference was apparently fine?!

I think I'm going to go ahead and choose him as my new T anyway. There's obviously a lot of potentially useful work for me to do here. I plan to talk to him about it all. I think it would be silly to dismiss him over this when he seems so perfect in every other way.

I'm interested in other people's experiences in this area - is there anyone else here who has or has had a T exactly the same age as them? I'd love to hear about that. I'm also open to people sharing their thoughts on therapist age more generally, I know it's something that's been discussed here before.

I'm not looking for analysis of or judgement about the way I am or the way I feel about this (unless you're a friend of mine, in which case you can say what you want!) I'm aware that my feelings here are not very rational and that my assumptions about my new T are not entirely based in reality either. He might be a f***-up too for all I know.

[LonesomeTonight]

I can understand those feelings, particularly since you're going into the same career field as him. I've had a bit of that with current T, who is 7 years older than me. I actually made a comment to him once about how he has a PhD, a successful career, is a professional athlete, and is married with a kid. Then I was like, "Right, I'm also married with a kid." But beyond that, I'd just gotten rejected from a PhD program, I've unsuccessfully tried to change careers (doing OK in my original one, but haven't worked in the one I got a master's in 4 years ago), and I'm, as I put it to him, "the opposite of an athlete." I didn't add in there that he's attractive (but said that later in a separate conversation). Plus I don't get the sense he's ever struggled with mental health issues, while I'm an anxious, often-depressed mess with OCD. He just seems to have it all together, while I...don't.


Of course, I have no idea what he's like in real life. His marriage could be a roommate situation, or worse, where they're just staying together for the kid. (His description of a particular song as "the perfect depiction of suburban married sex" suggests to me that maybe he doesn't have an amazing sex life.) His son is on the autism spectrum (as is my daughter), and I have no idea how functioning he is (my D is high-functioning), so he may have lots of struggles there. And he's an aging athlete (late 40s), and most likely his greatest successes there are behind him. And maybe he's had all kinds of mental health struggles, maybe right now he's on 4 different psych meds and is the only reason he seems stable, I have no way of knowing. I do know (from what he shared) that his wife has ADHD...but so does my H. So, yeah, in some ways, despite a different career (though, my new field is public health, so not too far off), he seems like a more successful version of me--and successful in areas where I could never be, unless there's some sport I haven't tried yet that requires no athletic ability whatsoever. So, I get it. And I think it would be something good to discuss with him.

[SalingerEsme]

My T is the same age as me, and I really enjoy that aspect- the feeling of peers, the feeling of being part of the same generation. we once compared were we were for all the milestone events of generation X- like when the Challenger space ship blew up or 9/11 etc. I am so scared of older authority figures and it is way easier having a peer.

Are you sure that seeing this guy is a good idea, luc? You could possibly talk about the experience/feelings that meeting him triggered with someone else who does not make you feel this way. Seeing him as a T almost seems like calling for suffering... it seems much more than simply an age match question. Just my thoughts.

[nottrustin]

Emdr T is 5 years younger than I am. Do some degree it bothers me as I see all that she has accomplished. One of my criteria for Ts has always been that a T be older than me and have more life experience. I keep reminding myself I am also successful just not in the areas she is. Success is not defined by one's career or things like that

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Are you sure that seeing this guy is a good idea, luc? You could possibly talk about the experience/feelings that meeting him triggered with someone else who does not make you feel this way. Seeing him as a T almost seems like calling for suffering... it seems much more than simply an age match question. Just my thoughts.

Like I said, he's perfect in every other way and I don't want to dismiss him because of this issue. I also think it is a totally different thing to work through it with him rather than someone else - it's experiencing rather than just talking about.

I had a client who was exactly the same age as me earlier this year, and (before I even met them) it triggered similar feelings for me. But (whilst working on my feelings in supervision and in my own therapy) I ended up working really well with them and it was a wonderful learning experience for me. I'm hoping that something similar can happen here.

I also just don't have many options at all. I met with another T last week but I did not feel anywhere near this level of rapport with her, and since leaving my current T is going to be bloody hard I think I need to be going to someone who I feel good with.

You are right that it's a risk. The risk that is most present for me is the possibility that I might develop feelings towards him similar to the ones I had towards T1. I don't want to feel that way again. If that does happen, though, I think it will progress very differently.

Anyway, I appreciate your concern but I don't really want to debate my decision or my process. I am more interested in hearing other people's experiences.

[ElectricManatee]

I have found that I generally work best with female therapists who are older than me (10+ years). I usually get along really well with slightly older women in my personal life, and I think that's part of it. Plus some maternal transference things tend to come out that have been helpful for me.

I do think the age/accomplishment thing might be more of an issue for you because you work in the same field. But I can definitely understand feeling inadequate compared to your T. It's so odd because they have to be on their game and in "work mode" as the therapist while you as the client can show them your most complicated, uncomfortable stuff. I like that my T puts her stuff aside to focus on me as best she can, but at the same time, I hate how perfect and inhuman that can make her seem. Yet if she fell apart or told me a lot of complicated, unprocessed stuff from her life, I would hate that even more. I think this disparity is particularly pronounced at the beginning when the therapist is getting a broad overview of your issues but you don't know them well enough yet to see their flaws and cracks. I find it helpful to think of a therapist I know personally who is a great person but has her own shortcomings and blind spots. I don't think anybody is perfect, even if he does seem like an excellent therapist for you.

[lucozader]

Thanks, Manatee! I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and your experience. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has these sorts of feelings. I think that's a good point about it being more pronounced at the beginning of the relationship and to some degree that has also been my experience in the past.

[rainbow8]

My T is about 15 years younger than I am but we both have adult children so that kind of equalizes it. She's agewise almost a senior so we're in similar life stages now.

It used to bother me that she had it all: a career, a husband with a good career, children, ability to travel a lot, happiness and good looks. But then she went through a divorce, and I found out my perception of her was incorrect. She was never perfect, and is a struggling human being just like I am.

I don't think age matters so much. It's just a number! I've had Ts close to me in age and I liked it. I had one who was about 30 years older when I was in my 30's and that was different. Not better or worse, just different. I have friends younger and older.

I'll be interested in seeing how it works out for you. He sounds like a good fit.

[Favorite Jeans]

For whatever it's worth, I trust my T more for having having entered the profession later in life, with more life experience under her belt. I'm sure a lot of that life experience felt painful and awkward. Not that this comes across in session, she doesn't give the impression of being awkward or in pain, but I know that to be the nature of life experience.

So this perfect, gorgeous, established T is not necessarily 10 years ahead of you in his career. Your ten years of life experience doing things other than being a therapist will be very valuable to you and your future clients and the perspective that you will bring will be sincerely appreciated by many. I'd wager that you'll "get" a lot of what people are going through because you did not have a path of conventional, linear success. And also because you're taking your struggles to therapy.

Also gorgeous dude probably has struggled in ways that are not immediately apparent.

And when you're ready, get a haircut you love because you deserve to be cared for.

[mcl6136]

Comparison is the basis of all misery

[Raging Quiet]

Hello

I did see a T who was close in age with me in 2015. I think barely a few years older.

Like you, I felt a little weirded out by it. In the end I went ahead and it wasn’t too bad (it was the fact she was not the right therapy approach in the end) I think as we were both females, it affected me more than if it was a Male my age, I don’t know why.

I know people my age who are ridiculous immature and others who act like they are much more older, everyone has their own life experiences and maturity.

Good luck with everything x

[kecanoe]

I see a T who is my age (or at least close, based on her diplomas which she has on display) and she is very helpful. It is more of a peer-to-peer relationship, I guess. I've managed to not become dependent on her which is a relief and that may have something to do with the same age thing.

[Ididitmyway]

I am definitely not here to tell you what to do, so, as you've asked, I will just share my experience and my personal bias about T's age, which is, again, not a judgment or a suggestion for others about how to approach this.

I've never worked with a T who was anywhere close to my age. They were all older, much older, 17-22 years difference. I always intentionally chose older Ts because I didn't feel (and still don't) that a younger person who is close to my age or younger has anything to teach me. Though, as I am getting older, I may be softening my attitude toward this because people who are now my age are mature enough for me to trust that they have enough life experience to actually understand something about life.

I know that what I am expressing is ageism but I don't care. There are some natural developmental stages in the human life that are real and can't be dismissed or denied. In my experience, younger Ts are fantastic at working with kids and teens, which is something that older Ts usually find quite challenging for understandable reasons. But I can't imagine 25-30 year old T being able to understand a 60 year old person who's had their share of profound life transformations full of pain, sorrow and disillusionment.

As to your envy about that T's perceived success, one thing I've learned is that we never know whether someone's life is truly fulfilling based on their appearance. Again, in my experience, many people, who seem to be so "put together" and to "have it all", are, in fact, much more ****ed up than the so-called "misfits". IMO, in our insane, sick world, in order for someone to appear to "have it all", they have to be pretty disconnected from their souls. As my favorite thinker Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

For whatever it's worth, I trust my T more for having having entered the profession later in life, with more life experience under her belt. I'm sure a lot of that life experience felt painful and awkward. Not that this comes across in session, she doesn't give the impression of being awkward or in pain, but I know that to be the nature of life experience.

So this perfect, gorgeous, established T is not necessarily 10 years ahead of you in his career. Your ten years of life experience doing things other than being a therapist will be very valuable to you and your future clients and the perspective that you will bring will be sincerely appreciated by many. I'd wager that you'll "get" a lot of what people are going through because you did not have a path of conventional, linear success. And also because you're taking your struggles to therapy.

Also gorgeous dude probably has struggled in ways that are not immediately apparent.

And when you're ready, get a haircut you love because you deserve to be cared for.

Ahhhh thank you so much for this comment! I found it to be incredibly comforting. Actually made me a bit tearful. Not to disparage the path that 'gorgeous dude' has taken (which of course I don't really know much about anyway), but I think I agree with you that all of my life experiences are relevant in my work and certainly count for something.

Thanks also to everyone else who shared their experiences and their feelings on the matter. I really appreciate it and have found all the comments interesting to read.

Kecanoe, your comment particularly made me thoughtful about the fact that a 'peer to peer' relationship as you describe it could actually be a really positive thing. There's a part of me that thinks that this could be a fascinating therapy experiment...

IDIMW, I really like the quote that you shared and I tend to agree. Thank you for that. Since you mentioned a '25-30' age range (although not specifically referring to me, I know) I just want to clarify that myself and perfect-new-T are both 32. So, yeah... we're pretty young. Not that young.

Hugs if you want them, Luc.

My T's slightly younger than you, and I'm 2 years younger than her and while we're "peers", we also come from very different walks of life. It amazed me when my T said she respects me and thinks clients are incredibly inspiring.

I am glad you're staying with this therapist and trust you will get lots of good work done! I have more to say but no words to express it so a tight, warm and long hug if you want one!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Thanks for posting this, luc.

It resonated with me, and helped me to articulate something that I find difficult with my own t. We're in a similar age bracket. We have grown children. We have similar interests. We took different paths: She focused on building her career; I have been a stay-at-home mom for years. Both are perfectly valid reasonable life paths, and were I not in the situation I am in I likely wouldn't be feeling the comparison and lack of career building in my life (nor would I be in therapy).

Reading your post made me think through something I hadn't been quite aware of, the way I am impacted by my mostly unconscious comparison. In therapy, I have a hard time letting go in some areas, I feel I must present myself as competent. There are areas in which I do not allow myself to be as vulnerable as I might, and I think it's because in some ways I see her as "a successful me" and it gets in the way of how I do therapy.

So...a) thanks for sharing your experience. It's been helpful to me to read. And b) Wow, what thoughtful awareness and insight.

I am glad that you've found a t with whom you feel a rapport. I hope it makes the transition a teeny bit easier.

You know more than anyone how concerned I was when I surmised that my therapist and I are around the same age. I think I've accepted that he's younger than I am by a year or two. I'd still love to confirm this, but I digress.

With the exception of V, a few years older than me, all of my therapists prior to my current T were old enough to be a parent. I've enjoyed the rapport that my current T and I have developed. I don't find myself censoring in the same ways that I have in the past. I can't imagine trying to get RoboT to listen to Pillow Talking.

Knowing how candid you are in therapy, I'm hopeful that when you talk about these things going forward, that you'll be able to explore why age affects you in this way.

FWIW, I agree with everyone who's said that life experience is helpful in making you a great therapist. I started teaching at 29, and I can see how the other experiences I had prior have made me a better teacher.

[velcro003]

My T is 7 years older than me, which I like. Though, my art T in the center I was at is younger than me I think (not sure), and I actually opened up to her quickly and was super vulnerable. I think its more the energy we have together than any age difference.

[growlycat]

As you might know my t is also 7 years older than I am. My long term t was 20 years older. Having someone closer to my age makes them seem less all-powerful and I can see him more clearly and with a healthy sense of skepticism. Feels more balanced this way even though there is still a power differential I don’t feel trapped by it. I hope it works out for you.