[MessyD]

Do you have connection to your therapist? How does it feel? Do you always have it or does it change with time? Do you need it for therapy to work? What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it? Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? Do you talk about it? Is it supposed to be there?
I am just really curious, I hear people talking about it a lot. Especially when they think they're losing the connection and they talk about things to do to try to keep it there during the week or longer periods of time, like reaching out or looking them up. I don't mean it in judgmental way, I have done it too a few times, I'm just genuinely interested how it works and feels for others.
I think I feel it at times and I like it but at the same time I think I would be able to work on things without it. In fact, when I do feel connection I think it makes me more feel more attached, which I'm not sure is good or bad ( I like it and I hate it kinda thing) but it makes me more focused on him and our relationship, while when I don't really feel it as much, I don't think about him much and I can focus on other things better, but at the same time I don't necessarily work on therapy stuff. So basically it's a lot easier for me to open up and trust him when it's there but then I can have a hard time during the week when I'm not able to reach out. And then there's times when I don't really feel it and maybe miss it but it doesn't occupy my mind and I don't even mind the breaks.
I'm not sure I make any sense here, I might have it all wrong, just wondering what does the connection mean to you?

[Echos Myron redux]

When I am with him:

I feel connection when I feel he is attuned and present. I can feel his presence. I feel warm towards him and I can feel his warmth towards me. Often we both feel invested and engaged in what we are discussing. I do talk about it. Sometimes he will say he feels connected, mostly we discuss how I'm feeling about the connection.

Between sessions:

I feel connection when I feel secure that he's out there and he still cares. It's more difficult for me to maintain between sessions. Some weeks we exchange a couple of emails and that can help. I also look up his picture sometimes, or watch a video of him. I'm doing that much less frequently recently which suggests I'm finding it easier to hold onto the connection for some reason. When I go back and see him, I do talk to him about whether I have retained feelings of connection during the week and what I've struggled with.

The key, to me, is not to judge it. If I feel okay, great. If I struggle to retain the connection and look him up to reestablish it, that's fine too. It's all information to help with the work of therapy.

ETA: In answer to the question is it supposed to be there? I don't think it's supposed or not supposed to be there. It is what it is. I think whether it's needed depends on the person and the therapy. It's certainly not necessary for everyone, but it is for me, to feel the safety I need to do the work.

[stopdog]

I doubt I had a connection with the woman. I would not have said I did.
But I also have absolutely no freaking idea what is meant by "the work" or what was actually supposed to be happening in therapy or how one would gauge whether it did work or not.

I think I had a good connection with my last T and it definitely made the interactions more pleasant. I like to feel the same way with select people in pretty much every area of life and I think I have good sensors to detect this type of interpersonal chemistry. It's often based on an intuitive sense (sometimes projections!) of similarities between the other person and myself, which leads to the feelings that we can understand each-other and cooperate well. When part of the initial perceptions are more my projections than features of the other, usually the sense of connection decreases at least somewhat with time and with having more realistic experiences. I experienced this with many people throughout my life and was also the case with my last T - pretty much from start to end. I can't say it helped the therapy or made it more effective, objectively it still did not do very much about the issues I went to therapy for. Actually, the sense of familiarity and connection perhaps made it more pronounced that I used therapy more as a distraction and dumping ground - a good deal of my motivation to go was the pleasure derived from the conversations and simply sensing a pleasant connection almost whenever I was with the T, which I could easily propagate in my mind and retain between sessions. It was a lot like some sort of loose friendship with someone who has similar interests and willingness to discuss psychological and other deeper topics, experiences etc. Maybe the pleasure derived from it was therapeutic somewhat, but not transforming in any way. I can easily get the same (only much better - more mutual, profound, etc) with good friends, even colleagues I have compatible and productive collaborations with, for free.

In comparison, I also had another T earlier that I chose, in part, because I wanted to choose differently from my usual - someone who seemed very very different from me. That did not make therapy more effective either but created constant misunderstandings and it was really hard to see anything in common between us.

So, I am not really sure how much a personal sense of connection is necessary for therapy, as I kinda experienced two rather extreme cases. The last one with the pleasant connection was certainly more agreeable, less disruptive and, as I said, much more pleasant. It was also very obvious that the T felt the same way from the beginning, he voiced it even. I think that sense of connection decreased with time for both of us, perhaps because the therapy itself wasn't very productive and we both are quite goal-oriented when it comes to anything professional. I guess for me going mostly for the pleasure was also counterproductive as my main goal was to work on issues related to excessive pleasure-seeking (addiction) in the first place. No surprise I ended up using therapy that way as well. I stopped therapy when I clearly realized this.

I'm guessing it depends what one aims to address in therapy. Mine were not relational issues but I think for those whom go to address that, it may be important to experience at least some level of interpersonal connection, however they are defined and felt subjectively.

Do you have connection to your therapist? Definitely.

How does it feel? Warm and sincere (most of the time).

Do you always have it or does it change with time? I think it's always there, sometimes I choose not to feel it when I'm angry at her, but even then I know it's there because I also always feel the need to talk out the angry feelings with her. Yes, it has changed over time.

Do you need it for therapy to work? For me, yes I do. It's what makes me go when I would just rather not deal. During one of those times I didn't want to go and called to cancel she said "This wouldn't work if we didn't like each other because you'd just stop coming when the work got difficult."

What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it? I feel most connected when we've had a really deep session. There have been a couple I can think of right now where we have worked so deeply, I could totally feel both of us 'swimming up' from the psychological depths we'd been swimming in so we could end the session. Kinda neat. I don't think I've ever actually lost the connection but I have felt like I have before. We've had about 3 ruptures over almost 7 years and it FELT like it was gone, but it wasn't, like I said before the need to work things out with her was there each time and we always do.

Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? Yes Do you talk about it? Yes Is it supposed to be there? Yes, I think so.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Connection to my therapist to me means that I trust her and feel safe with her, and with her knowing the information that I am sharing. I'm not sure what the current state of play is, as she has been away for several months. Causes of losing that connection - lack of communication...



I think she does, as we talked about a session last December.

I think the connection is part of the healing process.

[CharlieStarDust]

Do you have connection to your therapist? Mostly - yes.
How does it feel? Indescribable. It's safe, and warm. It feels intimate and private and like the best thing; something that's entirely mine (I don't have connection to people in my real life, so this feels magnified).
Do you always have it or does it change with time? I've lost connection when I feel she isn't present, or when she's doesn't hit the mark - this can be that she makes a joke (which I normally love) that just hits me wrong.
Do you need it for therapy to work? I think so - it would be hard for me to spill my guts, or tell someone what they did impacted me if I didn't feel connected or that they care.
What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it? When we're attuned and when we laugh. Oddly, when I'm in a low place and I feel a genuine sense of concern from her. Re: losing connection - see above joke reference.
Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? She's told me before she feels connected - so I'd have to take her at her word.
Do you talk about it? Always.
Is it supposed to be there? Based on what I've read here, no - but I feel like it helps.

[annielovesbacon]

Do you have connection to your therapist? I think so.
How does it feel? I'm not sure how to describe it. It means I feel safe with her. It means I look forward to seeing her.
Do you always have it or does it change with time? It took a while to connect with her at first. But I'm glad I stuck it out. I am still trying to develop our connection because there are still many things I have yet to tell her. It's not that I don't trust her, just that I am afraid to say things that might change her perspective of me. (I know that's silly on my part.)
Do you need it for therapy to work? For me, yes. I couldn't be so honest with a stranger. Additionally, my connection with her is different than my connections with my friends, family, and advisers by the very nature of therapy. Our connection lets me tell her things I couldn't tell others.
Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? I think so. We get along quite well and we are similar in many ways. But I've never asked.
Do you talk about it? We haven't ever really talked about our own relationship. I don't know if that's bad or not.
Is it supposed to be there? I don't think it has to be. It helps me, but it's different for everyone. Maybe someone else feels more comfortable speaking to someone they don't feel connected to.

[winterblues17]

Do you have connection to your therapist?
Yes I have feel a connection with her, sometimes stronger than others.things like breaks etc test the strength of the connection, however it still remains

How does it feel?
Just a sense of understanding between us, that she gets me and that we have good interactions, we smile together, eye contact Is easy, and I feel her warmth and trust she's there for me

Do you always have it or does it change with time?
I think I always have it, it does vary in intensity, some sessions might be heavier than others and after a particularity deep session the intensity heightens. Things like breaks and changes in routine tend to lessen the feel but it's always there to some degree.

Do you need it for therapy to work?
I personally do need it for therapy to work, I think without it I wouldn't tell her half as much as I do, I would put on my smiling face and pretend how amazing life is, which is what I do with everyone else. The connection to her makes being open and honest about my struggles just that little bit easier, and I think the connection also allows her to know when I'm pretending I'm better than I am.

What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it?
Just the sense of closeness in the session, it might be something as simple as a look that tells me she's there and she gets it, or a brief touch, something she might say that hits the spot, something so minor can really intensify the connection.
I tend to lose it with absence, ive learnt to hold onto it most of the week we apart, but if there's a break or change in schedule if definitely fades. She is aware this happens, and I think we trying to reach a point where I'm secure enough to carry it regardless of the breaks etc

Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? I hope so, I think it's a different feeling, maybe a different intensity because she is probably connected to many whereas I only have her. Although I do feel we just both get it sometimes!

Do you talk about it? Yes we talk about it quite a bit because I think it's something I find really important.

Is it supposed to be there? I'm not sure, I just think for me, it needs to be there to get to different depths

[TrailRunner14]

As I read your post, MessyD, and the replies I was thinking of the relationship I have had with my counselor and how it has changed as I’ve progressed with him.

In the beginning, we were working through some really tough stuff and I had never felt safe with anyone, or talked about the things that I was telling him.

I was extremely attached to him and it kind of scared me. I wanted to tell him everything that was happening between sessions and was really panicky if a session needed to be cancelled or rescheduled. I needed him to be there for me as if I was a baby.

As I’ve progressed with with him, I don’t feel like I have to have such a fierce attachment to him. It’s still there, no doubt and I’m thankful for it.

I was thinking of my granddaughter as I read this thread. She has just started walking and it reminds me of me. She walks with her arms stretched out in front of her in case she takes a tumble, much like I feel sometimes now.

When she first started crawling, she would crawl a bit away from me and turn her head and look at me and laugh, just making sure I was still there, and she was off again. She wanted to make sure that I was there, she was safe and that gave her courage to go a little further.

I feel that the attachment with my counselor is much the same. We even talked about it being this way in session a couple of weeks ago.

I guess seeing it that way, for me, helps me to see it as making progress and moving forward.

I didn’t really answer the questions, but I wanted to share with you what I saw as I read.

[sctak]

Really interesting questions..
Do you have connection to your therapist? Yes
How does it feel? Terrifying to be honest, but that is why I'm in therapy, because connections and relationships = fear for me.
Do you always have it or does it change with time? It took months of almost daily contact to develop, but it definitely dead ends if she says something which lands wrong or misunderstands me. Those instances hurt more now, because it's a break in the connection. If you never connected with somebody then you don't expect them to "get it."
Do you need it for therapy to work? Yes. No connection = no trust.
Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? She says so, but who knows.
Do you talk about it? We're starting to.
Is it supposed to be there? I'm not sure. I think she is purposely making sure it's there right now and using it for therapy, but I'm not sure she was very concerned about it being there early on.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by MessyD

Do you have connection to your therapist? How does it feel? Do you always have it or does it change with time? Do you need it for therapy to work? What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it? Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? Do you talk about it? Is it supposed to be there?

1. Yes to feeling connected. It feels easy and comfortable, which is how I feel with my close friends. It is not like the relationship I have with my close friends, which is mutual and T is not, but the connection feels the same.

2. I always have it, though there have been times in the past when something has bothered me in session and I didn't realize it or bring it up until later. This has caused me to feel less connected.

3. I don't know but for me, I would find it odd to not feel connected to the person I'm talking to.

4. It feels like he feels connected to me, like he is on my side and understands me and doesn't think I'm a freak, but a rational person.

5. I'm not in therapy for the relationship, have talked about incidents where he messed up but otherwise don't feel the need to talk about it. I do think the connection is supposed to be there, at least for me.

[Carmina]

Yes

it's lovely

[WishfulThinker66]

I don't expect her to know and relate to what I am going through but I ask that empathy exist on her part.

[SlumberKitty]

Do you have connection to your therapist? I think it helps. I had a very strong connection with T #2. T #3 none at all and no therapy took place that was helpful. With T #2 I was safe enough in that connection to do some real deep work.


How does it feel? Wonderful. But painful when it's not there.


Do you always have it or does it change with time? It changes. Sometimes it is there naturally, other times I had to work at it. Being as open as possible helped.


Do you need it for therapy to work? I think it helps.


What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it? Having trust in the therapist makes me feel more connected. Having some warmth and kindness helps too. Being able to talk to T via email in between sessions with T #2 really helped because I didn't lose that connection in between as often. Not seeing T causes me to lose the connection.


Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? T #2 did for sure.


Do you talk about it? I did but she didn't really.


Is it supposed to be there? I don't know but it is wonderful when it is.

[MessyD]

Thank you, these are all very interesting responses.

[PurpleBlur]

Originally Posted by MessyD

Do you have connection to your therapist? How does it feel? Do you always have it or does it change with time? Do you need it for therapy to work? What makes you feel more connected and is there anything that causes you to lose it? Do you think your therapist feels connected to you? Do you talk about it? Is it supposed to be there?
I am just really curious, I hear people talking about it a lot. Especially when they think they're losing the connection and they talk about things to do to try to keep it there during the week or longer periods of time, like reaching out or looking them up. I don't mean it in judgmental way, I have done it too a few times, I'm just genuinely interested how it works and feels for others.
I think I feel it at times and I like it but at the same time I think I would be able to work on things without it. In fact, when I do feel connection I think it makes me more feel more attached, which I'm not sure is good or bad ( I like it and I hate it kinda thing) but it makes me more focused on him and our relationship, while when I don't really feel it as much, I don't think about him much and I can focus on other things better, but at the same time I don't necessarily work on therapy stuff. So basically it's a lot easier for me to open up and trust him when it's there but then I can have a hard time during the week when I'm not able to reach out. And then there's times when I don't really feel it and maybe miss it but it doesn't occupy my mind and I don't even mind the breaks.
I'm not sure I make any sense here, I might have it all wrong, just wondering what does the connection mean to you?

yes, I do. It feels warm and containing...when I lose sense of it, she will text, sometimes, but the bigger things she did are give me one of her scarves and record a few chapters of my favorite book so I can hold/listen when I am feeling upset or disconnected.


I never considered before if she felt connected to me, but I think she must on some level because often she can feel what I'm feeling... yes we talk about it often and I think its just an extension of rapport, and its most important for people with deep trauma to have that so they can feel safe. Its present in varying degrees in most therapeutic relationships...but not the the point of most of us here. I think we are special lol not everyone cares so much about therapy or the therapist.

[MessyD]

How does it feel? Terrifying to be honest, but that is why I'm in therapy, because connections and relationships = fear for me.

I think it's scary for me too which I didn't realize before, I thought it was mostly warm fuzzies. But it seems like part of me is still terrified of it. And after a deep session where I manage to open up more, we both pretty much expect me to shut down in the next session. And even knowing that has not helped in changing it and fear is still there, even though I do crave the connection.