[Lrad123]

Wondering what I should do about the realization that I want to matter to T. I want to affect him and have some sort of impact on him. We had a brief conversation a few weeks ago where I said that I wasn’t sure why but I felt like I wanted to make him mad and he responded by asking if it was because I wanted to matter to him and that I haven’t really mattered to people. I felt really embarrassed by this and said so and also said I just needed to think about it on my own so we didn’t discuss it further. It just feels like a sign of weakness to me. In real life I’m independent and I am often the one taking care of others. I am comfortable in this role. But I do find myself creating scenarios in my head where T gets mad at me and I think he’s right that it might make me feel like he cared if I did something that made him mad. Sometimes I feel a strong urge to no-show without telling him. Sometimes I just want to pick a fight. I’ve also told him about searching for him on social media and I’ve sent him a few angry emails. I think I may just want some strong reaction from him because it would feel satisfying in some way. I realize that I probably will never have that much of an impact on T given the nature of the therapeutic relationship. I’m also aware that this is immature and unlikely to give me what I want, but what do I do about it? I’m really embarrassed to talk about it with him but I’d like to stop feeling the urge to irritate or upset him. (So far he’s been completely unflappable, by the way, despite my best efforts).

[wheeler]

I have asked my T many times if I matter to her, told her that I want to matter to her. Each time she has assured me that I do. I don’t always believe it though.

[Anne2.0]

I have a T who is pretty unflappable and I have certainly felt the impulses and wanted specific reactions from him at times. I feel like you are conflating wanting to matter with wanting to produce a specific response. The first is normal human feelings about connection: you matter to me, I care about what happens to you, I feel significant and close to you. The second is I want to see what happens to you when I do X.

Kids are great at the second one, especially when they are toddlers and they are using cause and effect. What happens when I throw my peas at Mom? Will she make that funny sound and face? I never wanted my kid to be afraid of me so when he made a huge mess I contorted myself to see it as funny. Then I kind of found it funny. But the kid liked to hear me laugh and make my big funny faces so I was inadvertently rewarding it and I had to be thrilled with the clean up instead.

So I'm not sure which you are after, maybe both. I don't think we get to be in charge of how others react but if you've had an over-reactor or an abuser in your past, the desire to be in control of them rather than them being in control of us is understandable.

The first one, wanting to know you matter to people-- for me it has always been allowing myself to feel loved by others, to let me see how they think I'm funny or kind or great in any other kind of way. A lot got in my way of this for a long time. Had squat to do with other people.

It isnt a sign of weakness. I think just about everyone wants to feel important, and like they matter to someone , and that they are loved. Its the way humans are made.

[SalingerEsme]

Therapy is very intimate from the patient chair, and I don't know what it's like from the other one. The caring problem , I think, exists in the space between chairs. Many T's are trained to show care indirectly, but not say it; it is hard to define "caring". I care about my neighbors, I care about my clients, but not the same way as about my BF. But then again, I don't talk to my neighbors about their nightmares, first loves, etc. I am massively confused too about all of this.

[ruh roh]

It's interesting to me to think of a therapist being angry as a way of showing the client matters to them. If that's the case, then I matter entirely too much to my therapist; however, it just is not the way it goes. I am a client and nothing more. The anger or irritation isn't a sign of mattering the way I see it, but then again I would have a hard time with a therapist who showed no emotion at all. Maybe negative emotion shows that their job matters to them? Still not sure it translates to anything positive regarding the client's place in the therapist's heart or mind.