[hopealwayz]

I’m only existing in my life. The pain is unrelenting and I hate for people to see me as weak so I push people away instead of letting them help me. And now my last T said a very painful thing to me that made me wonder if I should keep to myself so that other people don’t have to deal with me. I don’t see the point in trying to build trust with another therapist because even therapists can’t help me. My life is going to be an endless fog of pain. I’m about to buy two new German Shepherd puppies so I’m going to have to force myself to be there for them and my siblings.

I’m tired of being a burden on people. I need to try to stay out of people’s lives. I hate myself so much.

And I am scared that my pdoc is going to attempt therapy and I’m scared to open up to him because opening up and then having people become overwhelmed is too painful to face again.

I don’t know how much or how little I should share at my appointment on Wednesday.

The benefit that he has as an MD is that he will get a front seat version of symptoms and will be able to make quick adjustments. The last 2 times my therapy and medications were with separate people, at any given time, one of them would be on a different page than the other.

I hate the person I am. I am trying so hard to change.

Maybe all of this is hopeless.

I don’t deserve any help.

[SalingerEsme]

I definitely relate to the idea of wanting to stay out of people's lives so has not to hurt them. It isn't exactly the same, but I chose not to have children bc of my history and not wanting to pass it on in any way.

Puppies are so much fun- they ask you to be present in the present for all the silly naughty funny goofball things they do. Two is a lot- littermate syndrome is when they bond to each other a bit more than the humans . I would go for one puppy, and then once you get that one trained and trustworthy, add a second of the opposite sex a few years later? Just my opinion. GSDs I love, and also they need a lot of mental stimulation and socialization.

I hope your PDOC helps you- everyone deserves peace and help, and to be without unrelenting ongoing distress.

[susannahsays]

I second Esme's suggestion of sticking to one puppy for now. However, it almost sounds as if you already feel burdened by the thought of "forcing yourself to be there" for it. That's really troubling to me. If you do not feel able to care for a dog or dogs at this time, you should not get one/them.

As for the rest, I can relate to feeling hopeless about life. Recently I have also been feeling like my life will be an "endless fog of pain" - that's a great way of putting it. Iirc, you really like this new pdoc. Maybe you can try taking it slow with opening up to gauge his reaction. If it seems like he's becoming overwhelmed, you can pull back a bit. I really hope things work out with him and he can help you find a way out of the painful place you find yourself in right now. And I don't see any reason why you don't deserve help. It sounds like you're in a lot of undeserved pain, and I hope that this pdoc can help you and/or link you to additional resources that will help you.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Just wanted to say that you don't have to share everything with your pdoc right away! I don't know anymore for how long you're appointments will last, but I don't think you need to share everything right away.

Also, I think that people get overwhelmed is not only your fault. Yes, some people with mental illnesses can be overwhelming, but a good T or pdoc will know how to handle it. I hope your pdoc doesn't disappoint you!

[Anne2.0]

Good luck with the puppies. My dog, an Aussie, is a great joy in my life and taking care of her has been good for me numerous times when I didn't want to care for myself. The love of a dog has helped me feel love for myself too, because she thinks I'm so fascinating she has to follow me from room to room, and is so, so excited to see what I'm going to do next. Good for the self.

[hopealwayz]

Thanks for the support. I really, really appreciate it.

Actually, my German Shepherds have always been a great source of true joy for me. I lost my male GS due to old age back in March and that was devastating.

I’m very excited about the GS puppy. Life with my GS dogs has always been very rewarding for me.

And they help with my anxiety a lot.

I can’t wait for my Wednesday appointment.

[hopealwayz]

The lady who lives down the road from me came to my house earlier yelling at me for something that wasn’t my fault.

And an hour before that, my sister and I had a disagreement.

Now I’m looking at apartments online and thinking about going somewhere else. Nobody even respects me when their behavior does anything that triggers a panic attack. I always have to run off.

I’m so upset right now.

[hopealwayz]

I just emailed the office to see if I could come in a day earlier. I also tried to sum up my current stress.

Can someone read my email through PM and let me know how the email sounds?

[Deejay14]

Originally Posted by hopealwayz

I just emailed the office to see if I could come in a day earlier. I also tried to sum up my current stress.

Can someone read my email through PM and let me know how the email sounds?

I can if you still need someone.

[hopealwayz]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

I can if you still need someone.

Thanks. I will send it to you.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Don't forget that if you don't get a response this is the holiday weekend. I made that mistake once; I desperately needed to see my therapist who I don't have out of session contact with and drove an hour to his office only to find it was closed and I'd forgotten.

I hope you do but don't be upset if you don't hear back until Tuesday.

[hopealwayz]

Thanks for the reminder.

I’m glad that I sent it.

They did surprise me one time when I wasn’t expecting a response until the following Monday and I got a response on a Saturday.

But this may be different since it’s Memorial Day. I doubt they will have a 60 minute slot open on Tuesday but it’s okay... Wednesday isn’t too long away.

[Anne2.0]

Please don't cancel your appointment on Wednesday because you haven't heard back from them on Labor day (corrected from original post) that they don't have an appointment on Tuesday. I wouldn't expect them to return your call UNLESS they have a spot open. If you don't hear back tomorrow, please go to your session on Wednesday. My guess is that the person who receives emails will take at least a few hours on Tuesday to even begin reading through all the emails piled up over a holiday weekend.

[DP_2017]

Memorial Day is in May

Today is Labor Day.

[Anne2.0]

Deleted to not give this distracting issue any more energy than it deserves.

[hopealwayz]

Oops, I meant Labor Day. Sorry. That was a typo.

It’s totally okay if I don’t get in contact until Tuesday. Actually, I will definitely get a phone call for the Wednesday appointment reminder.

Cancelling never even crossed my mind. I’m okay with Wednesday, I was just checking.

I think my main purpose of the email was basically to prepare him for what I need to talk about on Wednesday.

Somehow I don’t really overreact with my pdoc. I definitely don’t want to screw things up with him.

[hopealwayz]

This is definitely not an instance of trying to act out. I’ve been reassured of their desire and care about my healing so I’ve been secure and comforted in knowing that.

Somehow my current pdoc somehow talked to the owners of the practice where ex-T was and the next thing that I knew was that I was terminated from there. I don’t know how pdoc played a part in that or what happened but one of the issues was supposedly self harm threats in the past that my ex-T never commented on. I guess somehow everyone thought that my pdoc would benefit me more than what I was receiving. Ex-T and I had actually agreed to an ending so everything else just became a painful unnecessary event.