[annielovesbacon]

I've been seeing my T for roughly two years. I keep a journal of all my sessions so I can look back and remember. I recently read them all from the beginning and was horrified to see that I have been writing things like "She keeps telling me if I want to get better, I need to be willing to change" and... I haven't gotten better because I haven't made many changes in my life.

It must be so frustrating to her to have to keep repeating the same things to someone who clearly is unwilling (albeit subconsciously... mostly) to change.

Today she gave me some therapy homework and I said "I will try my best, but I know I'll be back here in two weeks and I won't have done it and you'll be angry with me." She responded that she would never be angry about that sort of thing, if I didn't do it we could try some other problem-solving. But I said, "But if I don't do it I'm sure you will be annoyed with me." She said she wouldn't. But I have trouble believing that. She's a regular person, and regular people get annoyed and frustrated. Even if she doesn't tell me she's annoyed, that doesn't mean that that's true.

Does anyone have a T who will be honest about being annoyed/frustrated/angry/etc.? I wish my T would. I am a people-pleaser and if I knew I was upsetting her, I would try a lot harder. Of course that's not really the most healthy reason to do something, but if it ends up making me feel better, the ends justify the means right?

[feileacan]

If your therapist is any good at all then she is not frustrated with you, even when she has to repeat the same things over and over again. It's just that therapy works this way and every T worth their salt knows that. It is their job to be committed to the progress but not committed to a particular outcome.

First times she tells you something these things are perhaps just words and as a people pleaser you might want to do this stuff but because those words don't have any deeper meaning for you, you just can't. Over time and over many repetitions, those words might finally start making some sense and one day you might reach a point where you feel you understand the meaning enough to do something about it. At this point, these are not the words of your T anymore but something you can think of yourself, you might not even remember that the T was repeating it to you hundreds or thousands of times. And it doesn't matter if you remember it or not.

So, your T would be very stupid if she would be frustrated by the normal, regular therapy process and I hope/believe she is better than that.

[stopdog]

I think those people are professional liars but I don’t think it makes that much of a difference.

[weaverbeaver]

Perhaps you are at an impasse in your therapy and that’s frustrating for both of you because you are both stuck.
Sometimes clients project their frustrations into their ts, I don’t know if that’s a possibility?

My t is brutally honest, she will tell me if she doesn’t believe me, she will she she is getting frustrated and irritated because what she is hearing and seeing don’t match. This is quite frustrating for me because I have so much trouble identifying and expressing my feelings so I need a lot of help with that.
My t has often said she is getting angry when I don’t talk so I will be quiet even more when I sense her anger. A lot of the time ts honesty does not help me and I wish she wouldn’t share her feelings so much.

My therapist is very honest with me. If she is mad or frustrated, she says so. I appreciate it when she does. It helps me know that she is being honest when she says the positive things too.

[susannahsays]

The therapist has never told me she was angry or frustrated. I think she has been, though. I don't know what she would have said if I had asked her.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

Does anyone have a T who will be honest about being annoyed/frustrated/angry/etc.? I wish my T would. I am a people-pleaser and if I knew I was upsetting her, I would try a lot harder. Of course that's not really the most healthy reason to do something, but if it ends up making me feel better, the ends justify the means right?

I agree with other posters that people who are easily frustrated when people don't change would be unlikely to become T's. The basics of clinical training, as I understand it from my friends with it, is that T's are not supposed to develop a stake in whether the person changes or not. Encouragement and support for what the client wants, not punishment for getting it "wrong" or enabling what you are describing, which is co-dependence. Your T is not responsible for "fixing" this situation, it has to come from you. You should be able to change whether or not she is upset. Which is why it doesn't matter if she's really upset or lying to you about not being upset. I doubt you can truly "know," but you're better off working on your co-dependency or "people pleasing" issues rather than trying to create distress in other people so you can help yourself.

[RaineD]

Mine gets frustrated and annoyed and angry, and he tells me. I love him for it.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I agree with other posters that people who are easily frustrated when people don't change would be unlikely to become T's. The basics of clinical training, as I understand it from my friends with it, is that T's are not supposed to develop a stake in whether the person changes or not. Encouragement and support for what the client wants, not punishment for getting it "wrong" or enabling what you are describing, which is co-dependence. Your T is not responsible for "fixing" this situation, it has to come from you. You should be able to change whether or not she is upset. Which is why it doesn't matter if she's really upset or lying to you about not being upset. I doubt you can truly "know," but you're better off working on your co-dependency or "people pleasing" issues rather than trying to create distress in other people so you can help yourself.

Thank you- I got a lot from this post in thinking about my t and our situation together- I won’t hijack this thread anymore.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

I've been seeing my T for roughly two years. I keep a journal of all my sessions so I can look back and remember. I recently read them all from the beginning and was horrified to see that I have been writing things like "She keeps telling me if I want to get better, I need to be willing to change" and... I haven't gotten better because I haven't made many changes in my life.

It must be so frustrating to her to have to keep repeating the same things to someone who clearly is unwilling (albeit subconsciously... mostly) to change.

Today she gave me some therapy homework and I said "I will try my best, but I know I'll be back here in two weeks and I won't have done it and you'll be angry with me." She responded that she would never be angry about that sort of thing, if I didn't do it we could try some other problem-solving. But I said, "But if I don't do it I'm sure you will be annoyed with me." She said she wouldn't. But I have trouble believing that. She's a regular person, and regular people get annoyed and frustrated. Even if she doesn't tell me she's annoyed, that doesn't mean that that's true.

Does anyone have a T who will be honest about being annoyed/frustrated/angry/etc.? I wish my T would. I am a people-pleaser and if I knew I was upsetting her, I would try a lot harder. Of course that's not really the most healthy reason to do something, but if it ends up making me feel better, the ends justify the means right?

My T told me he was frustrated that I retreated noticeably after several connected step forward sessions. It was jaw-dropping bc he never shows his feelings, and it arrested me from getting lost in fear. I prepared so hard for the next session and had a big impact.

I guess that is a way of agreeing with you. They don't want us to people please them, but they can teach us how we affect others.

[runlola72]

My T gets frustrated, I'm sure of it. He tells me he "rides the rodeo bull of ambivalence" and I know that means he likes me, but I annoy the **** out of him too.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't think my T gets frustrated with me. If she did, she would tell me. She's always honest with me. And she does repeat a lot of things with me especially reassurance that she won't a abandon me.

[coolibrarian]

How do you KNOW your T is lying? Can you read their mind?

[stopdog]

They are trained to lie and manipulate - that is how I know. It is what those guys do - it is their actual profession.
I don't see what difference it makes with a therapist at all and I don't usually worry about whether someone is lying to me or not in general.
I think lying only matters when trying to rely on what is being said and I don't recommend relying on a therapist and don't really see how one would rely on what one of those people said in any real way.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

How do you KNOW your T is lying? Can you read their mind?

It's a lot easier to believe someone is lying to you rather than deal with an issue in a straight forward way. Point finger, ignore the rest of what's possible. People may not deliberately lie about knowing when people lie, but it feeds their egos to believe that they are human lie detectors. I used to argue with people who claimed they knew truth they couldn't possibly know (because it was about someone else) but then I tired of the F a c e Book and Jerry Springer like sh*tshow that followed. I got no time to argue with the nutjobs.

Even machines are not very good at detecting lying (polygraphs). Even humans who run these machines are not very good at detecting lying. Most research shows that even people trained to "know" when people are lying-- police officers most certainly and tested with other occupations such as therapists and other mental health professionals-- are equally terrible at identifying deception as everyone else.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

Does anyone have a T who will be honest about being annoyed/frustrated/angry/etc.? I wish my T would. I am a people-pleaser and if I knew I was upsetting her, I would try a lot harder. Of course that's not really the most healthy reason to do something, but if it ends up making me feel better, the ends justify the means right?

My former T would tell me if she was mad at me. It was uncomfortable but she and I would talk through it and then move on.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

Perhaps you are at an impasse in your therapy and that’s frustrating for both of you because you are both stuck.
Sometimes clients project their frustrations into their ts, I don’t know if that’s a possibility?

You're probably right, I am extremely frustrated with myself and maybe that is what's making me think my therapist is frustrated. I dunno. I also think we could both be frustrated! But I hope she is not.

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

How do you KNOW your T is lying? Can you read their mind?

I don't think she is lying, I just have trouble believing that she -- or any person -- would not be at least a little frustrated with me in this situation.