[Rive1976]

So I am beginning to feel my therapist might be right about sexual abuse by a female caregiver. I am not saying it is my mom. I am not saying who it was because I don't know. It certaintly does explain why ever since around 7 I have only found mother figures attractive and continue to do so. It also would explain why I have had thoughts of them being abused as children. Which I find exciting (not sexually). I know that's sick. Anyway, this really could explain everything and I could feel a little better I wasn't just born this way. Then the other side of me says you can't let that take away your blame. You dont have any proof that, that happened or caused you to be this way. You were born a freak. What to do?

It sounds like you've been listening to the side that blames you, so maybe trying something new might not be so bad.

[Rive1976]

It just feels like a lie though. I dont know if I can truly believe something that could be a lie.

Originally Posted by Dnester

It just feels like a lie though. I dont know if I can truly believe something that could be a lie.

If there's a chance that it not a lie, isn't it worth exploring the path or would it put you in a worse place mentally?

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by roseboi

If there's a chance that it not a lie, isn't it worth exploring the path or would it put you in a worse place mentally?

Yeah we are exploring it. I was talking more accepting it with no memory of it.

[Rive1976]

Does anyone else have any opinions on this? It would be greatly appreciated.

[SlumberKitty]

Uncertainty is difficult. Grey areas are difficult. I think that you are in an uncertainty. It "could" be this or it "could" be that. Tolerating uncertainty is difficult. You may never know for sure but it could remain a possibility. Can you discuss with your therapist how to manage uncertainty?

My opinion is that it is good that you are open to investigating this but maybe not using the approach this T is applying. If nothing else, I think it is not good if you take away a lesson that being attracted to older women, mother types or whatever, is wrong. I think your T likely has an agenda that is way too harsh at minimum and very manipulative and potentially destructive at maximum.

I have many relatively unconventional sexual/romantic/fetish interests and ways to be drawn to other people that have zero relationship to my family of origin or anything else I experienced as a child. Not as intense as when I was younger - that is just normal aging and also that I've tried and exhausted many of them already. They are just curiosities of an open mind and I would never accept anyone's interpreting them as developmental traumas, wrong, or something I should stop being interested in, get therapy for, given that my interests do not harm anyone and I have always only engaged them with very clear, full consent of the other person(s). I just have a vivid imagination and an adventurous spirit, my sexual endeavors have never been destructive on anyone. Sometimes people envy the openness and willingness to explore though.

It is hard to assess your case based on the little info you provide but, if anything, I would encourage you not to let this T project your desires as abnormal as long as you do not hurt anyone with them.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Dnester

Does anyone else have any opinions on this? It would be greatly appreciated.

I feel that sometimes people don't know or remember but the most important thing is to address the symptoms in the present for now

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by Dnester

So I am beginning to feel my therapist might be right about sexual abuse by a female caregiver. I am not saying it is my mom. I am not saying who it was because I don't know. It certaintly does explain why ever since around 7 I have only found mother figures attractive and continue to do so. It also would explain why I have had thoughts of them being abused as children. Which I find exciting (not sexually). I know that's sick. Anyway, this really could explain everything and I could feel a little better I wasn't just born this way. Then the other side of me says you can't let that take away your blame. You dont have any proof that, that happened or caused you to be this way. You were born a freak. What to do?

I'm not going to comment about how or what happened....

But I would caution you about labels. You have given yourself the choice between two very negative labels here. Either you are "sick"...or you are a "born freak." Would you label your best friend in either of those negative ways? Would you label someone you barely knew this way?

Can you approach yourself with the same compassion that you would offer others?

[coolibrarian]

Do you have siblings that you are close to? Might you question them about this, in a broad way, and see what they say?

[PurpleBlur]

i have struggling with some things that may have happened to me that i don't strictly remember but am dreaming about... it is hard to accept that it might be true.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Do you have siblings that you are close to? Might you question them about this, in a broad way, and see what they say?

She doesnt know anything. We are 8 years apart.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

i have struggling with some things that may have happened to me that i don't strictly remember but am dreaming about... it is hard to accept that it might be true.

What do you do when you dont have memories though? Do you have sexual behaviors that started in childhood What do you say about them ? Do say they must have come from somewhere or what?

[PurpleBlur]

Originally Posted by Dnester

What do you do when you dont have memories though? Do you have sexual behaviors that started in childhood What do you say about them ? Do say they must have come from somewhere or what?

well...i was molested and i remember that so i dont wonder where my sexual acting out came from. my issue is theres additional abuse i didnt remember but others do...

i know how maddening it can be not to remember but trust me once you get verification it will be worse. stop chasing it is my recommendation. i wish i had not. just...look at your presenting issues and try to figure out how to survive with them. it doesn't matter where they came from. finding out will just mind **** you unnecessarily.


i am barely functional these last few weeks. dont go chasing those memories...you might find them.

[Amyjay]

Children are not asexual. Children have bodies that come with sexual feelings. I think... without any conscious awareness of abuse, attributing what can be normal childhood experiences to unremembered abuse is a very dangerous game to play.
Childhood incidences + no memory of abuse does not = abuse.
You can "look into it", sure, but that almost necessitates "finding" abuse. As soon as you start thinking it, the infallibility of human memory starts mixing past events and present fears and coming up with entirely different scenarios.

If you don't already remember something it will be almost impossible to "trust" the "memory" of anything you find by looking for it.

What you can do is work with the feelings you have now. It is not necessary to know the cause of a feeling to change it.

[Rive1976]

Alot of people have said it doesnt matter where my bad thoughts come from with children or my other issues. How is it even possible to overcome them if you dont know where they came from. Not knowing where they come from also just makes the reality that I just could have been born a bad seed is even more when I dont know another cause.

The character Dr.Gregory House might be fictional, but his wisdom isn't.


Nobody would like to be a "bad seed", but guess what, you aren't the one to blame for your illness. There are people worse without mental health issues or ethics. Stop blaming yourself over something that isn't your fault. It's just what you were supposed to be.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by TheLonelyChemist

The character Dr.Gregory House might be fictional, but his wisdom isn't.


Nobody would like to be a "bad seed", but guess what, you aren't the one to blame for your illness. There are people worse without mental health issues or ethics. Stop blaming yourself over something that isn't your fault. It's just what you were supposed to be.

If I was made this way somehow I wouldn't be so bad. If I was born this way I am a bad seed. No I dont molest children. That doesn't matter to me though because I have come close so many times. The urge was unbearable but I didnt do it. That makes me scum. Plus I did hump my sister and we are 8 years apart. She was only three. I goosed her and almost touched her. I dont want to have been born a monster. I dont want this to be the way it was meant to be.

[Rive1976]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Children are not asexual. Children have bodies that come with sexual feelings. I think... without any conscious awareness of abuse, attributing what can be normal childhood experiences to unremembered abuse is a very dangerous game to play.
Childhood incidences + no memory of abuse does not = abuse.
You can "look into it", sure, but that almost necessitates "finding" abuse. As soon as you start thinking it, the infallibility of human memory starts mixing past events and present fears and coming up with entirely different scenarios.

If you don't already remember something it will be almost impossible to "trust" the "memory" of anything you find by looking for it.

What you can do is work with the feelings you have now. It is not necessary to know the cause of a feeling to change it.

I have a daughter. If she was 7 and sexualizing relationships with younger children and adults I would definately believe something happened. Children are sexual I agree but they don't look at adults and think they want to do sexual things to them or smaller children. That can't be normal. I'm more interested if someone can be born that way. If I am 7 and I am preoccupied with my teachers boobs. That's not normal if I am 10 and start thinking that 4 year old is cute I want to touch her which was the case for me as a child something had to have happened right? Maybe it wasn't abuse maybe I saw porn idk. The amount of anxiety I felt when wanting to do these things was very high though.