[stopdog]

Can you describe how you experience therapy? (I am not looking for judgment on my experience or how I did therapy)
I saw two different ones of those guys at the same time. Here is what it was like:

The first woman never listened, was mocking, set me up, humiliated me and came to the incorrect conclusion almost every time she made one. She would say things like she found me a challenge, but refused to answer when I asked how. She accused me of fighting the process, but not explain what the process was or how I was fighting it. And so on. It was a constant exercise in humiliating frustration. I left every appointment in self-destructive rages because I had tried so hard to be understood and failed so badly at both getting her to understand and in knowing what was the right thing to do. The interactions were completely useless except as exercises in avoiding her traps until my person got sick. But really, even a therapist could not have made that situation worse. There was no way to humiliate or mock me about that.

The second one was a lot more detached and distant. Generally managed to act more like I spoke English to her. This one at least attempted to explain. The interactions were a lot calmer. I rarely left in a self-destructive rage. More of a feeling that the whole time had been a waste with little point. What was supposed to happen? How was this babbling on supposed to help? Was there any structure or rhyme or reason to the questions being asked? This one could keep track of what happened from week to week. Perhaps a better note taker. It was less of a blood sport than with the first. This one did not go out of her way to impress upon me how little sense I made to her. Over-acted a bit from time to time. Sometimes outsized reactions that were designed to manipulate. Mostly when that happened, I simply made a decision to react less. Could go off on weird tangents that I did not understand. Sometimes a bit of a tension whether to stop it or to try it and see if I could figure out the point of the tangent which never happened. It was a less contentious if equally nebulous use of time.

I experience therapy in different ways. It can feel challenging, enjoyable, so difficult, crazy-emotional, fun, impossible, maddening... sometimes I feel love in the room sometimes I'm sure she hates me.... It's been a very 'real' relationship in that way.... Real, yes but very different from other relationships in my life.

[SlumberKitty]

I agree with Artie...its a real relationship but different than other relationships in my life. My first T was very inexperienced. I was the first client she ever had that SH-ed for example. She was kind and thoughtful but all in all, not all that helpful. She tried, and I felt bad that she was trying so hard without there seeming to be a point. My second T was wonderful. I love her so much. Not in a romantic way. She knows me. She reacts in appropriate ways. She challenged me. She cares about me. She inferred correctly most of the time. She was easy to talk to. She was a good listener. She was good when I didn't feel like talking. She was wonderful. Third T was a ***** she devalued me. She blamed me. She didn't understand me. She threatened to terminate me all the time and threatened to hospitalize me all the time. Fourth T....I don't know yet. She seems nice. I don't know if she will be all that helpful though.

[atisketatasket]

For six of the seven, much of the time it has been frustrating. Either they do not seem to understand what to me is simple (I guess they need an English to English translator), they flat out get things wrong, or they logically contradict themselves. Info is especially frustrating in these three regards. The only time it works otherwise is when I rant about whatever and she doesn’t say too much.

I think she thinks I’m there to feel loved and I’m not. (Nor do I feel loved.)

The exception was No. 3, when I was just so miserable I did not care.

[coolibrarian]

I consider myself very lucky to only have had one, wonderful T, for many years. Probably as many emotions as there are, I have felt in therapy with her. Sometimes therapy has helped, sometimes not. My therapist has saved me countless times, when I have been very ill (emotionally), or when my loved ones have died.

Overall, therapy has been a positive experience for me.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

For six of the seven, much of the time it has been frustrating. Either they do not seem to understand what to me is simple (I guess they need an English to English translator), they flat out get things wrong, or they logically contradict themselves. Info is especially frustrating in these three regards. The only time it works otherwise is when I rant about whatever and she doesn’t say too much.

I think she thinks I’m there to feel loved and I’m not. (Nor do I feel loved.)

Info sounds a bit like the first woman. The only times it was not completely insanely frustrating was when I got her not to talk at all.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Although it's sort of like a relationship for me, for the most part we talk and I get insight in how I can manage certain emotions, as well as why these emotions might happen for me. It also helps me to have somebody to share things with (which most friends would quickly get overwhelmed by).
Sometimes my T is wrong about things or makes a wild guess that doesn't make sense. But for the most part, the concepts he discusses with me make sense and the tools I get to calm down and manage myself work.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

I experience therapy in different ways. It can feel challenging, enjoyable, so difficult, crazy-emotional, fun, impossible, maddening... sometimes I feel love in the room sometimes I'm sure she hates me.... It's been a very 'real' relationship in that way.... Real, yes but very different from other relationships in my life.

That's such a beautiful description- captures an essence of what it's like for you.

[RaineD]

For me, much of therapy was failing to communicate properly, arguing, fighting, finally communicating, making up. Rinse, repeat. My therapist often treated me like a poorly behaving teenager. He'd ask me questions like, "were you out drinking last night?" (I was not.) "How did you end up in his room?" (Because I'm a grown woman and can do what I want.) He said things like, "your skirts are too short" and implied that he was concerned I'd be raped by one of my clients because of the short skirts. I assured him that I would not wear short skirts to work.

We argued incessantly about theory. I wanted to do inner child work. He said inner child work was more harmful than helpful. I wanted him to take an intersubjective approach and bought him a book on the subject. He, of course, didn't read it.

He threatened to terminate me if I didn't get with the program. His threats would cause me to behave for at least 15 minutes. I never quite got with the program, but he never carried out his threats.

In the end though, he was always there for me when it mattered. He helped me through an annoying few weeks when my father threatened suicide to try to blackmail me for money. He supported me when I needed to move for a job by promising me that we would make it work somehow. He held my shameful and intense feelings and made them okay.

[Amyjay]

I have very specific goals in my therapy. I have DID and experience amnesia about matters of importance and my goal is for all parts of me to know all the relevant information.
Internally I/we are always working towards that goal. Our therapist holds the information that we give her, in amnestic dribs and drabs, and steers us towards all being able to know those same things.

She sees more of the whole picture than we do. So she is the holder for us. She sees what we can tolerate knowing and what we can't. She gives us tidbits that help us move closer towards understanding the different parts of ourselves. She is the overseer of our work. She watches out for the signs of dissociation, of moving outside of the window of tolerance, and helps rein us back in. When we have nothing to bring to the session she offers things that help us move towards our goal.

I don't really feel like I have a connection to the therapist. I trust her to do the work we need her to do though. But my therapy is more about developing relationships between the parts of self.

[growlycat]

Therapy with current t is unlike my past therapy with others. It is unusually familiar and casual. He discloses a lot. Only a few questions he will not answer. He isn’t prone to challenging me (sometimes he should). Also not prone to making interpretations but when he does he has moments of insight now and then.

There is a lot of humor in the room which is refreshing. Once in a while he will gently nudge me on a topic I need to attend to but anything more would feel like a sledgehammer. He is great at empathy and support not great at pushing me to the next level.

Sometimes I hate myself when I share things I have accomplished between sessions and he responds like a proud parent. It is weirdly motivating. For me anyways maybe cringey for others.

[WarmFuzzySocks]

I go to my appointment.
I say stuff, mostly coherently. (I think.) She says stuff, mostly relevant and helpful.
Sometimes I cry.
Then I pay and reschedule and go home. Usually I am exhausted.
I think about things she talked about, or things I’ve talked about, or try some of the ideas she’s suggested. Then I go back and we do it all again.

Somehow it seems to help. I still don’t know why it works. It seems a little weird to me, still.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

My T is the first person I have ever felt actually understands me and he is the first person I have ever felt comfortable really talking to. We have had our differences and issues because of that but we also talked about them and worked through them. He is not afraid to challenge me and call me out on things when I am being irrational or difficult, but he is also kind and compassionate when there are things I have a lot of shame about. I have been open with my feelings about him (I wish we could be siblings) and he handled that beautifully as well. So, I guess I would say that my therapy looks like a healing relationship. I do not delude myself into believing this goes both ways though,... I am fully away he is basically my emotional prostitute and I am ok with this.

[MoxieDoxie]

It is the only place I feel I have a connection with someone, understood, cared for, that I matter. I fee like it is where I meet my father, my friend, my mentor, my guardian.

I thought of all this with my first T and thought I could never find another that I could connect with and that would actually try to help me but I did with my current T.

I know this is not how I am suppose to feel in therapy and that I am there to become independent of the therapist and get those needs met outside of therapy but I am 51yrs old I that is just never going to happen. One, I am way to broken from childhood trauma and how I grew up. I just will never be whole. I am to fragmented. It has taken 5 yrs of therapy to to glue some of the pieces together, and I am more functional then ever, but I still feel like I could just fall backwards off a cliff and end my life if given a chance. That is how much I hate living life. I feel like a cruel joke has been played on me and I was thrown into a human body to suffer.

Going to therapy is like a reward for staying alive a few days.

[zoiecat]

Moxie...I could have written your post minus the T connection and reward stuff. I keep going because I hope to improve my life a bit but I too fear I am too broken and it is too late for that to ever happen.