[Stormmi]

I've been seeing a second therapist for 3/4 months now to recover from an abusive relationship. I see the same thing happening again as with the previous one - they didn't seem comfortable or able to handle my "crazy" or "intense" feelings related to the traumatic events in that relationship.

It is the reason that I left my first therapist after 7/8 months treatment. When I picked the second therapist, I was very transparent and told her about the reason and what I was looking for in my next therapist- someone who could hold the space and help me deal with the difficult emotions that I couldn't handle well by myself.

She seemed to be very empathetic. But in one session I started to talk about a small conflict I had with my previous abusive partner, and how I was feeling. As I was talking, the feelings I didn't remember came up and I was crying and shaking a bit. I told her that I felt that I was in the same room with the partner again. She asked me to deep breathe, stand up and pay attention to where I was. The session went on like this and I felt like she didn't want me to go deep into my memories. But I felt it was what I would need to release the painful emotions. I was actually surprised that I remembered all the details and was able to articulate how I was feeling.

We had discussions at the end of the session, and I asked for another follow-up discussion. Although she said she wanted to make sure I was in control and not be too overwhelmed, I still can't shake off the feeling that she wasn't able to handle these feelings, or didn't want to face these feelings with me. It made it really hard for me to open up again, especially there are still so much to deal with.

With my previous therapist, it was similar feeling. When I started talking about those feelings, he would make some comments like "you are not to blame", that felt like I was not supposed to feel what I was feeling.

Is this common? Is there anything I should change?

[piggy momma]

Based on what you’ve written, I think your therapist made the right call. Yes we all need to be pushed, and therapy shouldn’t be easy, and we’re dealing with some really raw emotions. The therapist has to balance all that with not letting you go so far that you go completely off the rails. That would be unethical and irresponsible.

My own therapist won’t even do trauma work if I’m not stable and doing well. I pretty much haven’t been stable for the past year until maybe this month, so he said at our last session that if I’m still doing well on Tuesday we’ll look at a few things, but he warned me that as much as he realizes I want to get through it, he’s going to be going very, very slowly and reigning me in quite a bit to make sure I don’t unravel at the seams.

I think your therapist is allowing you to go far enough to experience some of the uncomfortable feelings that you need to process, but is also making sure you’re grounded and ok before you leave. That’s responsible, ethical, and caring.

[growlycat]

I’ve had therapists tell me that this is “emotional flooding” and it can retraumatize you instead of helping you. T’s have done this with me- grounding exercises to not lose touch with the present or to lose touch with t’s caring. Just relieving the horror isn’t necessarily therapeutic. It’s not that they can’t handle it they just want you to process in s safe way so that you leave your session safe also. Especially if you drive yourself there

[kecanoe]

I agree with GC.

I can get overwhelmed with feelings, especially when recalling something from my past. T3 who has decades of experience with people who have suffered trauma would do grounding stuff if I told her that I was feeling like I was re-experiencing something.

One of my Ts along the way said that it is important to keep one foot in the "now" when talking about the past. The thinking is that if I go back to some horrible experience and am immersed in it, I am reliving it, and being re-traumatized. There is danger in getting stuck there, the unsafe feelings can overwhelm.

It sounds like your T is being careful. In my experience that is a good thing. Before addressing trauma, we need the resources to deal with it. Then once we have the resources, we deal with the past while staying in the present so that I have the base to deal with it.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I agree with the others. My therapist was careful that I didn't become so overwhelmed by emotions that I was unable to stay present. If I was overwhelmed emotionally, there wasn't any progress being made because I dissociating and unable to communicate. That turned the session into just more trauma and upset, instead of actually working through what was creating the initial emotional upset.

It isn't a matter of your therapist not being able to handle your feelings. It is about your therapist working with you so you understand where those emotions are coming from and working through those issues.

Yeah her directions on what to do sound distracting. I prefer someone to get in the mud with me.

[Anne2.0]

I can tell you from my experience relating the details of my child abuse, that I think it is you and not your therapist. The first thing to consider is whether you can rely on your beliefs or your feelings about what someone else is experiencing, or the fallacy of focusing on that. I'd say the answer is that you just don't know, you are interpreting how someone else feels, not by asking him or her, but through some other lens that I doubt can be accurate. Instead of trying to interpret, you could ask the therapist or you could explain what you interpreted and why.

What you are describing, the crying and the shaking, is a flashback (I think, could be wrong). Look up symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. What your therapist was doing is considered good trauma informed practice, trying to "ground" you to the present moment so you don't get sucked completely back into the past and become so upset you can't function well. When I would start crying and shaking I actually couldn't speak, so my therapist would do something similar. I've been meditating for a couple decades so that's the grounding we would use, a particular form of "box" breathing that works for me.

The other thing I think happens when you are back at that traumatic place, with access to the full awfulness of the events and the feelings, is that it colors how you see everything else in the room. On one hand, having a supportive and empathic person there literally changes the traumatic thing because you're no longer alone, but you can also misattribute something you feel to something you think the therapist feels, because it's a heck of a lot more comfortable to toss those feelings away from you and have them land at someone else (therapy speak calls this "projection.")

So I would starting thinking "my therapist is angry at me" or "my therapist is disgusted with me" or whatever, because what the event I was speaking about made me feel angry at myself. Why didn't I . . .. (do something to stop it)? I felt disgusted because I was ashamed of what I "let" someone do to me. Etc. In that mixed up world of the flashback or something close to it, emotions are so strong (in my experience) they just fly around the room until I can land them. That's the real reason why I think you are misattributing what your therapist feels.

I work with people who are traumatized (as a lawyer), and have for a few decades, and as a person with experience I can say it's a heck of a lot easier to listen to trauma than it is to speak about it. And it's common for people to think they will "hurt" me if they disclose it, which is a nicer way of saying they don't think I can handle it. I know how to manage my own feelings and I know how to make it not about me and while most people wouldn't want to listen to what I do for a living, I find purpose and meaning in it, and I like being a person people can tell their secrets to. Although I'm not a therapist, I've had three who have all been able to "handle" the details of a trauma and I just doubt very much that what you are feeling is about them.

However, it does occur to me that perhaps you need something different than what the therapist is doing. Why not talk about what happened and how you feel about it? Maybe if the therapist engaged in a grounding technique and then asked you to continue on if you wished, that would work better for you. Or something else, maybe you don't need the grounding technique, maybe it would be better for you to shake and cry but there probably needs to be enough time at the end of the session so you don't have to leave crying and shaking. I think it's great that you aren't afraid of your reaction.

I think if you discuss with the therapist how you'd like the session to go (although I'm not sure you can always predict what you're reaction will be) so both of you are on the same page for what "should" happen, then that should avoid your sense that the therapist can't deal with what you're putting out.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by Stormmi

I've been seeing a second therapist for 3/4 months now to recover from an abusive relationship. I see the same thing happening again as with the previous one - they didn't seem comfortable or able to handle my "crazy" or "intense" feelings related to the traumatic events in that relationship.

It is the reason that I left my first therapist after 7/8 months treatment. When I picked the second therapist, I was very transparent and told her about the reason and what I was looking for in my next therapist- someone who could hold the space and help me deal with the difficult emotions that I couldn't handle well by myself.

She seemed to be very empathetic. But in one session I started to talk about a small conflict I had with my previous abusive partner, and how I was feeling. As I was talking, the feelings I didn't remember came up and I was crying and shaking a bit. I told her that I felt that I was in the same room with the partner again. She asked me to deep breathe, stand up and pay attention to where I was. The session went on like this and I felt like she didn't want me to go deep into my memories. But I felt it was what I would need to release the painful emotions. I was actually surprised that I remembered all the details and was able to articulate how I was feeling.

We had discussions at the end of the session, and I asked for another follow-up discussion. Although she said she wanted to make sure I was in control and not be too overwhelmed, I still can't shake off the feeling that she wasn't able to handle these feelings, or didn't want to face these feelings with me. It made it really hard for me to open up again, especially there are still so much to deal with.

With my previous therapist, it was similar feeling. When I started talking about those feelings, he would make some comments like "you are not to blame", that felt like I was not supposed to feel what I was feeling.

Is this common? Is there anything I should change?

Therapists are committed to the idea of staged trauma treatment, with the first thing being to establish safety. They re afraid you will retraumatize yourself- reexperience instead of process. I relate to you reaction though. Sometimes it feels like my T is emotionally avoiding details, but I know it is bc we made a big mistake doing prolonged exposure therapy for csa, and he doesn't want to repeat that. it was horrible.