Today in my local shopping mall, as I was travelling down on the escalators. There are those cosy £1 massage chairs.
Theres no way in a million years could I in public put myself into a relaxed state yet, as I looked there was a woman sat in one and I could see it Vibrating.
For a moment as I got to the bottom of the escalators, our eyes met. I lowered mine, I guess in that moment I was projecting my own shame at being vunarable into her and I looked away. Wanting to avoid my own feeling of shame and protect her from my eyes. Not that she was probably feeling any of this.
But I want to talk about this with T on Monday.
It ties into my own struggles with position with T in the room.

[PurpleBlur]

hope youre able to have a meaningful discussion about it with your t

[seeker33]

This could be an incredibly interesting conversation. I would never sit on that chair because of the shame as well. I'd never eat alone in public either (I'm fat so obviously I have no right to be seen eating its disgusting).
I hope your session goes well!

[Anne2.0]

I think that body positions are very powerful, they engage body memories in ways that other things might not. The idea that our body in certain positions evokes things from our past (or seeing another in those positions and thinking about what it would be like for us) makes a lot of sense for me. "The Body Keeps the Score" is an excellent book about trauma and its impact on the body.

What resonates for me in your experience is being connected to my defenses that try to keep me safe, but may also keep me from engaging the world fully. As I've learned to drop some of my defenses, temporarily or make them more permeable, I've been able to do more than I ever thought I could. It takes a lot of energy for me to keep those defenses in place that stop me from doing something enjoyable and it's good to be able to direct that energy someplace else.