My therapist suggested some unusual physical contact

Okay, because I'm new I think this might take a while to show up on the forum and it might take me a while to reply so please bear with me.

I'm looking some thoughts about something my T suggested. I've been seeing him for 6 years. I am female and he is male, about the right age to be my father. We hug sometimes and we have a good relationship and I trust him.

So here is what we were talking about on Monday. I'm putting it in trigger brackets in case anybody finds it triggering



In a way I kind of wanted to, but that's mostly because I like being close to him. I still don't see what the point would be apart from that.

I have been thinking about it since and I am still confused by what he suggested. I know he has good intentions but I'm still confused.

What I want to know from you all is opinions on what he said, and what you would do in that situation. Thanks

Hm, that does seem rather odd. I don't know how I'd respond to that--I really can't imagine my T (also male--I'm female) suggesting it, but he also doesn't allow any physical contact beyond handshakes (like no hugs or anything). So I'm not sure how I'd react--probably be kind of stunned, honestly.


Has he ever suggested something like that before? I know you said you hug at times, but has he suggested other sorts of touch in the past? I'd maybe try asking him about it next session, at least to clarify what he thought would be helpful about it.

That would make me very uncomfortable and may well trigger some bad reactions.
I would feel that it is too much of a risk to experiment with. The cons outweigh the pros.
I might also trigger some deep rooted stuff about being the abuser and doing that to your t afterwards.
It doesn’t sound very healing or therapeutic but that’s just my opinion!

No way in double hockey sticks would I do that, and although I often look for the benign in what people say and do, I think that is crossing some line that every therapist should know is there. Sounds like "grooming" behavior and I can't quite get his intent about it. Is doing something that an abuser did to you supposed to be therapeutic? I think the whole point is to NOT do things that abusers do.

I know what you mean, or at least I have a version of it. My abuser used to put his arm around me and poke his fingers under my ribcage to keep me still and silent. It was incredibly painful and disconcerting and frightening. If my T suggested I do that to him-- and I have not touched him in any way, I would think he'd lost his mind.

I would consider switching therapists or at least asking for an explanation as to how this is supposed to be helpful to you. While you're at it, ask him if he's some kind of perv grooming you for his own type of abuse.

I got the sense that he wanted *her* to do to him what her abuser did to her. Her grabbing him. Right, OP? Like a role reversal? Not that he was going to act like her abuser--which I think is what you're suggesting here? I thought maybe the idea was something like her taking the power back from her abuser through role-playing. Though I could see it being triggering either way, if it takes her back to that place.

That’s what I understood too but it still doesn’t seem right!

Sounds really weird. But I’m not a fan of touch. I couldn’t put myself in a situation like that. I wouldn’t want to be the person getting hugged but I most definitely couldn’t be on the other side acting as the abuser. I can mildly understand his point, but from your writing, it sounds like it is making you uncomfortable. Especially since you told him right away that you wouldn’t like to do that. The good thing was he respected your choice to say no. You could always revisit this idea later if you change your mind.

In no way would i feel comfortable doing that. I would be careful with that type of touch and i am glad he respected you when you said no. Hugs

As you say you've had a good working relationship for 6 years and you trust him, and I'm assuming he has never suggested any role playing with you before. It is possible that such role playing in which you adopt a role outside yourself could bring forward other thoughts and feelings than you currently associate with this behavior from the past. Whether that's a beneficial thing or not, I can't say.

I don't get any sense of outrageous or unethical behavior in your T's suggestion. But that doesn't necessarily mean it would be harmless. I think it's telling that you don't quite remember his rationale for trying this; inability to remember details is often a result of anxiety. So exploring why you may have felt anxious at the suggestion could be valuable. Also, your sense that it would be uncomfortable for you: exploring that feeling may be as or more valuable than actually participating in the role play.

I don't think this is something that I would be comfortable with. I'm glad your T listened to you and didn't pressure you into trying it.

Has he ever made other inappropriate suggestions or behaved in any way provocative? If not, perhaps it was just a questionable/bad idea and not really grooming. In any case, I definitely would not do it either. I don't see how it could change what you already experienced as a child even with switching roles. If the T think that role play might be useful, there are ways to do that verbally, it does not have to involve physical contact.

I wouldn’t have wanted to do that, either.
I’m very glad you felt comfortable saying, ‘no.’
I like fkm suggestion to explore your uncomfortable feelings around it.

Can you ask him again to explain how that was supposed to help you?
Maybe he was trying to help you feel in control. Maybe he suggested the role-play to see what feelings came up? I can imagine there would be quite a few!
I think it’s important to tell him that just considering it brought up a lot of feelings.

A previous therapist wanted to help me get in touch with my anger one time. She brought out bataccas (soft bats) and invited me to hit her with them. I couldn’t do it. Then she suggested I hit the chair role playing it was the abuser. I couldn’t do it then, I might be able to do it now.

Hopefully, your therapist had something like this n mind.

Sorry it's taken so long to reply. It wouldn't let me and I have had to have a conversation with a mod to allow me to post again (I think because I posted a bunch of times in the welcome thread and it said I had exceeded the maximum).

Thanks for replying. Lonesome Tonight - we only hug and thank you for clarifying yes he suggested me in the role of the abuser.

I know he isn't grooming me or anything like that. Xynesthesia- what you said about the bad suggestion is what I am really wondering. Is it a bad suggestion or an okay suggestion which I just don't like? Like, is this sort of thing a part of therapy for some people.

Feral Kitty Mom - thanks, I think that's true that my reaction is important. I will discuss that with him. I thought about the role play thing, like is this a legitimate drama therapy technique or something? No he's never suggested role play before.

Precaryous- thank you for sharing your experiences with the soft bats. You reminded me of something I had forgotten before. A long time ago he said I could throw a cushion at him but I didn't want to do that either. So I guess this is similar to that??

I think because he knows me well he knew that I would have no problem saying no if I didnt want to do it so it didn't feel like a big risk because he knew I wouldn't go along with something that made me uncomfortable.

This is a very inappropriate suggestion from a therapist to a client who has a history of sexual abuse. There is no way I, as a client, would do that.

I don't want to judge his ethics based on this one suggestion since I don't know how he was working with you during these 6 years. But, ethics aside, I do question his competence.

It is a common knowledge in professional circles that even an innocent physical touch such as a hug should be considered with great precaution when working with victims of sexual abuse and that a therapist should think twice when deciding to allow such contact or not.

What your therapist had suggested would not even be entertained by most therapists. I don't see how any therapeutic value can be derived from re-enacting interactions between a perpetrator of sexual abuse and their victim in therapy. But I do see the big risk of re-traumatizing the client that would come with such re-enactment. I believe, the vast majority of therapists would have the same attitude towards this as I do based on my training and many years of my interactions with colleagues. Having been inside the professional community for many years I've never heard of any such therapeutic technique or method that your therapist is suggesting.

I can say again categorically that I would not go along with such suggestion as a client and I would strongly recommend any client not to go along with it.

Also, if I were you, I'd ask the therapist to give me a convincing rationale as to how this would help me and provide me with the source of information that talks about such method being employed in therapy.

I am sorry but what he suggested raises a strong suspicion in me that either he doesn't know what he is doing or there is something else going on in his mind that is not consistent with the purpose of therapy.

Thank you I did it my way. I appreciate your professional opinion and I see how you would think that way.

I don't doubt his competence because I know the progress I have made with him. I went from not being able to say the word abuse and completely shutting down and paralyzed when talking about my childhood to being able to remember how I felt and to realize it isn't my fault. I can now talk about it and even write about it here. This is because of the work I have done with him.

That's why this seems out of character and surprised me so much. Is there really no school of psychotherapy that does something like this? I was wondering whether he read this or saw it somewhere. Has literally nobody on this forum had their therapist suggest anything like this?

As for me, the psycho-dramas I have seen didn’t involve any touch.

Good therapists I have known treat abuse victims carefully around touch.

They don’t want to retraumatize the victim. Also, my therapist said she wanted her role to be clear to me, that she is my therapist, not a friend, not a potential partner, and not a potential abuser.

Thanks. I'm sure it wouldn't have traumatized me, just would have been weird. I guess he knows me well enough to know that. He is clear about boundaries and we respect each other's. I guess I was just unsure about this suggestion. Where it was coming from.

You mean if there is any school of psychotherapy that recommends to re-enact the interactions with perpetrators of sexual abuse? No, there is no such school of psychotherapy. There is CBT that can do occasional role playing with clients who are afraid to confront their perpetrators.. In such role plays the therapist could pretend to be the perpetrator and would make statements to the client that the real perpetrator has made and the client would respond in such ways that would empower them to break away from the abuser, which is different from how the client usually deals with the abuser. Such role plays never include any physical touch and they have a clear goal of empowering the client to stand up for themselves. But there is no school of therapy that re-enacts interactions between the victim and the perpetrator exactly as they are with no clear goal (I can't even imagine what the goal of such re-enactment may be)

And, no, I don't remember anyone on this forum mentioning such a suggestion from their therapist. And, if they did, that would not be a prove that the suggestion is legitimate. It is inappropriate and dangerous whether other therapists do it or not (which most of them don't, you can trust me on this one). As I said before, I'd be curious to know where your therapist got this idea from and I'd certainly ask him about it.

IDIMW, I think you may have misunderstood. The T wasn't suggesting that they re-enact the interaction exactly as it was. He was suggesting that she swaps roles and becomes the person in control of the situation. I think it was intended to be more like the example you talk about - an exercise in empowerment.

I still think it's a weird and bad idea, but I can see what the T is trying to do.