[here today]

Also known as passive and relational aggression, indirect aggression is a topic that deserves more attention in my opinion. With direct aggression and hostility, it is “out there” for everyone to see – hard to deny. Indirect aggression is, by definition, more hidden and easier to deny. Sometimes the person behaving indirectly aggressively may not be fully aware of it. Sometimes a person behaving directly aggressively may be “overcome” and not fully aware of what they are doing, too, but that’s a different topic.

I tend to be more the “direct” type. It’s honest, at least. When I was told by therapists, early on, to get in touch with my feelings and express them, I worked very hard to do that, not knowing, though, the effects my expression of anger might have on others because my own responses had been numbed out. Somewhat similarly, my responses to indirect/passive aggression had been numbed out and I often didn’t recognize them.

In my experience, therapists like the “nice ladies” in my past tend not to get directly angry with a client. Some do – I remember one thread about that. But I haven’t had any in my experience who did. Instead, they exhibited what I now can recognize as indirect aggression. But I didn't understand it back then. So, when therapists shamed me, for instance, it really threw me for a loop. Caused a lot of problems for a number of years, some still remaining.

Fortunately, there is some good information about indirect aggression available on the internet these days. I encourage anyone who doesn’t understand it, and especially anyone who may be having difficulties and impasses with therapists, to look for it.

[stopdog]

To me, a giant problem is that whenever therapists are hostile or aggressive regardless of direct or indirect, they lie to themselves and say it is for the client's own good rather than admitting they are doing it for themselves and their own ego.

[Ididitmyway]

Indirect aggression or, more commonly known, passive aggression is a big topic and a very important one indeed, especially in the American culture and some other cultures where the dark side of human nature isn't accepted for what it is and people don't feel comfortable with it.

My cultural background conditioned me to be directly aggressive. In a place where I grew up passive aggression was not normal, but when I immigrated to the US I experienced it everywhere, which, actually, traumatized me a lot because for a long time I couldn't understand what I was dealing with. I couldn't understand why some people would suddenly and abruptly stop communicating with me. I didn't know what I did wrong and when I asked there was no response. I didn't understand why people would habitually "forget" to follow up on their promises until I found out that this was a classic passive aggressive behavior. My attitude in relationships has always been "if you are angry with me, just tell me about it directly instead of doing all kinds of **** to communicate your "message".

I agree, therapists often exhibit passive-aggressive behavior because they believe it's unprofessional to express their anger overtly. I do think they can't afford just to explode when they function in their professional capacity, but that doesn't mean they can't express their anger directly. There are ways to be direct without being insulting or hysterical. This is a skill that they have to master among many others. In reality, we all have to master this skill, but, as lay people in out of work situations, we can afford to "relax" every now and then and to let our anger out in a somewhat volatile way. Therapists can't afford that but they certainly can and should express anger when they believe it's justified and legitimate instead of playing games in the name of "therapy".