[Lrad123]

I came to therapy because of some personal issues and it turns out that my biggest issue has been my tremendous ambivalence about therapy. Who knew? I’m responsible and would never no-show for any other appointments in my life, but with my weekly therapy appointments it’s like there’s this strong magnet pulling me away from my therapist’s office and another pulling me towards him. It’s quite exhausting and I can’t say that I experience this consciously at least in other aspects of my life. I talk about it with my T and we often start the session with a quick update on how hard it was to get there that day. I’ve seen him for 13 months and despite this ambivalence I have made it every single week except once in the beginning, and that caught me completely off guard. Since then, I’ve made a promise to myself to show up no matter how difficult it feels.

Last week my T told me he will no longer respond to my emails although he’ll still read them if I send them. I feel like his reasons are probably ok and I could eventually accept this although I also feel hurt by this. I genuinely think he’s good though and assume his motives are good. But I have a tremendous urge to no-show this week. Like huge. I know I should go talk about it, but I can also feel the satisfaction of sending a very childish F*** you by not showing up. Again, my T and I have talked about this scenario and he said if it ever happens we’d just talk about it the next week. He has been very accepting of anything.

I guess I’m just asking for pros and cons here. I really want to no-show, but am aware that I probably shouldn’t. Then again, maybe if I just get it out of my system, maybe the urge will go away?

[DP_2017]

Same thing happened to me, it was awful and coming on here made it worse. Everyone seems to have T's that constantly reply to anything. So it felt personal.

At times, it is still hard, if I'm struggling because I know if I reach out, I'll be ignored or sent to the crisis line

I still went though, even though, like you, I didn't want to. We talked, and ended up feeling closer to him than I ever have. Things are great with us. I finally feel secure with us. I have no problem telling him "I wanted to contact you but I knew you wouldn't answer" and we talk about it. Discussing the issues in person.... VS email, has been so much better for me.

i personally say go. Usually the sessions you dread, ending up being really great in the end

[SalingerEsme]

Acting out to express feelings is tempting, but it only makes it all worse. I tried it once . My T emphasizes how I am only hurting myself, how many clients would like the time slot I wasted, and how it is three strikes and youre out on not valuing his time. I have to pay for the time, and then I feel empty and silly.

I go through this too chronically. For me it has to do with social skills, and the sense of reciprocity being an important sign of sincerity and connection in my other relationships. My T is the same age as me. I have a hard time amending these "rules" for therapy even though I understand it is not a social relationship; the one sidedness of the power on the T's part and the secret-sharing on my part spooks me at times. I resent pushing myself to trust someone with csa secrets who doesn't trust me with basic info; I resent the T making all the rules, and having little sayso. I do grow and change for the better from therapy, and I do respect my T. It is all a true conflict and struggle.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I still went though, even though, like you, I didn't want to. We talked, and ended up feeling closer to him than I ever have. Things are great with us. I finally feel secure with us. I have no problem telling him "I wanted to contact you but I knew you wouldn't answer" and we talk about it. Discussing the issues in person.... VS email, has been so much better for me.

i personally say go. Usually the sessions you dread, ending up being really great in the end

I know you are right and I will probably read this before my session on Wednesday to inspire myself to go, so thanks. I know it’s the right thing. It’s just strange how much I want to run. I guess like you said, the taking away of email responses does feel personal.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

Acting out to express feelings is tempting, but it only makes it all worse. I tried it once . My T emphasizes how I am only hurting myself, how many clients would like the time slot I wasted, and how it is three strikes and youre out on not valuing his time. I have to pay for the time, and then I feel empty and silly.

I go through this too chronically. For me it has to do with social skills, and the sense of reciprocity being an important sign of sincerity and connection in my other relationships. My T is the same age as me. I have a hard time amending these "rules" for therapy even though I understand it is not a social relationship; the one sidedness of the power on the T's part and the secret-sharing on my part spooks me at times. I resent pushing myself to trust someone with csa secrets who doesn't trust me with basic info; I resent the T making all the rules, and having little sayso. I do grow and change for the better from therapy, and I do respect my T. It is all a true conflict and struggle.

Why is acting out once in a while such a bad thing really? I feel like I’ve read on this forum and other sites that it’s wrong, but if only done rarely and we learn from it, is it really so bad? My T has no 3 strikes and you’re out rule, but I would still have to pay. Your T is super strict and maybe if mine was that way I wouldn’t consider skipping (as it is, I’ve only missed once in 13 months, but I consider it all the time, and I am honest with my T about this).

I do think some of my struggle has to do with the lack of reciprocity and I go back and forth on being ok with it. I can convince myself for a period of time that it makes sense under the circumstances, but then I go back to being bothered by it. The one-sidedness is just not natural, is it?

[Seelenna1982]

No advice, just experience to know you are not alone in this.

I have a great relationship with T so far I think (I’m a little distant and hold myself back a lot) but she’s very warm and encouraging. Very constant in letting me know she’s there and I’m not alone in this, open to any amount of outside session support (phone/email)
Still in the back of my mind and sometimes in the front, I have that strong urge to cancel most weeks. I need to be in therapy, I’m working through trauma and I’m motivated toward healing but that stupid voice in my head would love me to let her down and not show up. To prove a point or something. Luckily, i don’t listen. And truth be told, I don’t think it would be proving any kind of point, I think T’s would generally be indifferent to a no show since it’s your work, and your path you’re taking. Ultimately you’re only affecting yourself.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by Seelenna1982

No advice, just experience to know you are not alone in this.

I have a great relationship with T so far I think (I’m a little distant and hold myself back a lot) but she’s very warm and encouraging. Very constant in letting me know she’s there and I’m not alone in this, open to any amount of outside session support (phone/email)
Still in the back of my mind and sometimes in the front, I have that strong urge to cancel most weeks. I need to be in therapy, I’m working through trauma and I’m motivated toward healing but that stupid voice in my head would love me to let her down and not show up. To prove a point or something. Luckily, i don’t listen. And truth be told, I don’t think it would be proving any kind of point, I think T’s would generally be indifferent to a no show since it’s your work, and your path you’re taking. Ultimately you’re only affecting yourself.

It’s really nice to know I’m not the only one who has these urges. A big part of me actually wants to be in therapy and I’ve chosen to be in therapy, so the urges to run away are very frustrating. Anyway, your support means a lot. Thanks.

[Anne2.0]

I've had some no-show urges a time or two and sometimes when I've gone and disclosed this, it's been positive, and other times it may have just been meh. I don't think there's any magic in going when you don't really feel like it (and I show up to things, too, rarely canceling anything). I also don't think it's a tragedy to no show or to cancel sessions, or to take a break of whatever length for however long you need to.

I don't know what your T's policy is, but a no show means I have to pay for the session anyway (I think but don't know for sure that it is less than a full session that my insurance mostly pays for), at his old place it was $55 for less than 24 hours cancellation, barring a reasonable excuse and then you get one unexcused absence per year. So I could no show but I don't think it may say F you as you think it might. You're the one on the hook financially and your T can use that time to catch up on his emails or his notes. Is he really going to hear your message if you no show?

I think if it's an F you message you really want to deliver, then maybe that needs to be in person. But if it's something slightly differing that is motivating you, like maybe you need a week or two break to figure out how you want to deal with this, then you can do that. You can of course do whatever you want but for me I'd be inner tuned rather than outer tuned. What do you need for yourself? If it's specific communication to him, you can always email him and just tell him you're not coming and why, although as I've said before, I don't think email communication is giving you what you want right now.

[stopdog]

I cancelled a lot because I found breaks quite useful. I never just did not show up although there was a policy in place that charged for less than 24 hours cancellation. I did not mind going in and telling the woman how she failed. The breaks were not at her but rather for me. I never found it useful to go to an appointment if I did not want to do so.

[SlumberKitty]

I've never no showed, but I cancelled once on Tony the Tiger T, a couple of days before the appointment. I don't think it's productive to no show. If you want a break, and I can understand that, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. But I think it's always best to be upfront with the T about it. I don't think they usually get the message we try to send by not showing up. Just my two cents. Kit.

[ElectricManatee]

I have noticed that you usually start these threads with something like "I'm responsible/respectful/independent in the rest of my life, but..." And sure, it's possible that some of the foreign or artificial aspects of the therapeutic relationship are creating problems for you that don't exist in the rest of your life. But it's also possible that your view of yourself as always following the rules and always doing the right thing is cutting off your ability to feel and express negative emotions. Maybe the labels you apply to yourself are very limiting, and therapy is the environment where your true self and true needs are starting to be expressed a little more.

It might be helpful to be more curious about what feelings therapy is bringing out and why, rather than fighting against them or seeing them as a threat to your established adult persona. I have experimented with some ways of expressing myself or interacting with my T that I would never have attempted in real life. Some of them felt right and blended into my everyday way of being; some of them didn't work for me and have been abandoned. My T sticks with me through these unconscious "experiments," and best of all, confidentiality prevents her from ever telling anybody what I said or did.

So does this mean you should no-show? Go and get emotional with your T? Keep emailing? Stop emailing? I don't know, and I really couldn't tell you. Only you can figure out what feels right to you to try with him. And that might just be the whole point of all of this.

[Lrad123]

I feel like I should emphasize that it is not the norm for me to skip or no-show on any other appointments in real life. I usually don’t understand why I have such a strong urge not to go to my therapy sessions because at the same time I really do want to go. It’s hard to explain. But this time I’m feeling a bit hurt, thus the partial desire to send an F*** you message. The problem is that he has a 14-day cancellation policy which makes it pretty much impossible to cancel spontaneously and it also diminishes the whole F*** you sentiment if I have to pay for it. It also emphasizes the whole power imbalance. He can hurt me, but I can’t hurt him, even financially (unless I plan 2 weeks in advance and who knows how I’ll be feeling then).

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

I have noticed that you usually start these threads with something like "I'm responsible/respectful/independent in the rest of my life, but..." And sure, it's possible that some of the foreign or artificial aspects of the therapeutic relationship are creating problems for you that don't exist in the rest of your life. But it's also possible that your view of yourself as always following the rules and always doing the right thing is cutting off your ability to feel and express negative emotions. Maybe the labels you apply to yourself are very limiting, and therapy is the environment where your true self and true needs are starting to be expressed a little more.

It might be helpful to be more curious about what feelings therapy is bringing out and why, rather than fighting against them or seeing them as a threat to your established adult persona. I have experimented with some ways of expressing myself or interacting with my T that I would never have attempted in real life. Some of them felt right and blended into my everyday way of being; some of them didn't work for me and have been abandoned. My T sticks with me through these unconscious "experiments," and best of all, confidentiality prevents her from ever telling anybody what I said or did.

So does this mean you should no-show? Go and get emotional with your T? Keep emailing? Stop emailing? I don't know, and I really couldn't tell you. Only you can figure out what feels right to you to try with him. And that might just be the whole point of all of this.

Ugh. You are so right. The person that I am in therapy feels like the polar opposite of who I am in the rest of my life and that’s scary. My T says he does not experience me as dramatic or overwhelming or crazy which is how I feel around him. I’m not sure how to behave because I’m so used to behaving a certain way. I guess I have options and maybe I should try them out. My T has said repeatedly he’s not going anywhere no matter what I say or if I chose not to show up. This insight was super helpful. Thanks.

[InkyBooky]

I have experienced this urge before but I remind myself that T isn't going to lose much sleep over my no-show. It's not like she's sitting there on pins-and-needles waiting anxiously for my arrival every Thursday at 3pm. I'm just one of several clients on her appointment list for the day and if I no-show...well, then she gets an hour of paid free-time and I get nothing.

It's not that she doesn't care about me as a client, but we have to remember that our therapists don't exactly pine for us like we do for them. They do not have anywhere near the emotional connection that we have...and whatever emotion they do feel for each client is felt/expressed in that client's session each week and it ends precisely when we walk out the door and the next client walks in...at which time they switch to the feelings/emotions/etc. that they have with the next client. It's the nature of their profession and it's crucial to their (and their clients' success) that they can do this.

So, if you want to have an impact on your T then you should show up to your session and make him work ;-) Get your money's worth!

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by InkyBooky

So, if you want to have an impact on your T then you should show up to your session and make him work ;-) Get your money's worth!

LOL. You are so right about this. Did I mention that I hate this whole power imbalance???

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

LOL. You are so right about this. Did I mention that I hate this whole power imbalance???

This is interesting about the power imbalance as it is something I think would make me uncomfortable. I wonder, does it have to be a power imbalance. I just met my therapist this week after briefly trying therapy in the past and it's too soon to know our dynamic, but I didn't get that vibe of a huge power difference. Please excuse the side tracking from your main post. It's just something I was thinking about and it caught my attention.

Regarding your post, whatever you decide will be okay, and you therapist will be there next time you show up.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

This is interesting about the power imbalance as it is something I think would make me uncomfortable. I wonder, does it have to be a power imbalance. I just met my therapist this week after briefly trying therapy in the past and it's too soon to know our dynamic, but I didn't get that vibe of a huge power difference. Please excuse the side tracking from your main post. It's just something I was thinking about and it caught my attention.

Regarding your post, whatever you decide will be okay, and you therapist will be there next time you show up.

My T certainly doesn’t act like he has power over me or anything like that. It’s actually quite the opposite in a way. But as I’ve recently felt hurt by his decision not to reply to emails, I’ve realized he can hurt me, but there’s not much I can do to hurt him. I share personal things about my life with him, but he does not share personal things with me. I know that’s the way it’s supposed to be for therapy to work, but for me at least, I can’t help but be aware that he has more “emotional power” than I do. Sometimes I just don’t like that.

[velcro003]

14 day cancellation period?! that seems extremely long. what if you got sick? or your kid
(if you have one), or any # of things that could go wrong in a 2-week period?

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by velcro003

14 day cancellation period?! that seems extremely long. what if you got sick? or your kid
(if you have one), or any # of things that could go wrong in a 2-week period?

I know, I know. I’ve never heard of s 14-day cancellation policy. I’ve never had an emergency but I’d like to think he’d make an exception. I guess I don’t know, though. When I first started seeing him I asked about it and he said something about he gives a lot of notice before his vacations and he expects that I would too.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Lrad123

My T certainly doesn’t act like he has power over me or anything like that. It’s actually quite the opposite in a way. But as I’ve recently felt hurt by his decision not to reply to emails, I’ve realized he can hurt me, but there’s not much I can do to hurt him. I share personal things about my life with him, but he does not share personal things with me. I know that’s the way it’s supposed to be for therapy to work, but for me at least, I can’t help but be aware that he has more “emotional power” than I do. Sometimes I just don’t like that.

That makes sense, I can understand why that would be really hard.

Just go to session and let it all out. be free. get in touch with your spontaneous inpulsive side.

I agree with Electric, except in a sense you are imprisoning yourself by being goverened by your superego, being so restricted.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by octoberful

Just go to session and let it all out. be free. get in touch with your spontaneous inpulsive side.

You make it sound so easy . . . .

I canceled quite a few sessions with my first T but never no-showed. I think no-show is a passive aggressive form of transmitting hurt/dissatisfaction. It is very inefficient IMO, at least for two reasons: (1) the other person may not read it in the way you feel/mean it at all and (2) it is avoidance, so prevents the possibility of resolving conflict or even just transmitting what you would like. I think even an angry email is better. No-show is not easy to interpret given that there is no feedback and, I think, it can just make things even more complicated and create further misunderstanding.

[Taylor27]

I did a no show to my addiction counsellor a year and half ago, it was not worth it. I was so mad at her i decided if i skip the session she might be more understanding. I learned it is better to go and be honest how hard it was comming. Hugs

Originally Posted by Lrad123

You make it sound so easy . . . .

I know. Just trying to be encouraging....

I think you're headed into what seems like scary territory, but the out of session writing likely serves as an intellectualization defense....and perhaps its time for a change?