[MoxieDoxie]

Well.....has anyone successfully told their T about their type of transference (maternal, paternal, erotic) and the T was able to work with it, understand it and help you get past it? That is if they did not transfer you to another T or terminate you.

[toomanycats]

I have strong paternal transference for my T. He embraced it & it is a big part of our therapy. Definitely no referral elsewhere.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I have strong paternal transference for my T. He embraced it & it is a big part of our therapy. Definitely no referral elsewhere.

How is it a big part of therapy? I do not understand how it is used as a modality? Is your T older or younger than you?

[toomanycats]

My T is older - almost exactly my father's age, actually - off by a couple of months.

He has expressed his own paternal countertransference, and we freely talk from these places a lot. Meaning he will express that his paternal & protective feelings are quite strong at times. (E.g., when I have shared about a trauma). Although in much warmer terms than what I just stated...I'm not sure I'm comfortable expressly sharing some of what he's said verbatim. I'm slightly embarrassed by what I find comforting, I guess.

[lucozader]

Nope, not at all. I'm not sure that I believe it can be done any more.

This was a good thread on similar topic, I also posted in it about mine in a link to yet another thread:
https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...t=transference

I think I've definitely worked through my main pattern, but not with a therapist. I actually believe that it can be more effective to do this using ordinary life experiences and relationships and examine them deeply and honestly in the context of both psych literature and our own life and personality. I think often trying to do this with and though a person we experience transference for can hinder the process and make it really messy, painful and ineffective. Doing it alone does require a good dose of detachment from the actual experience and looking at the larger picture, IMO. But it can be better sometimes, especially if one's pattern does not fit well in the common, textbook cases. When I tried to do some of it with a T, it went in all sorts of wrong, because they T was somehow unable to detach himself from his own pet peeves and fave theories and just kept projecting those onto me, which made me mad because it did not fit at all. I would definitely suggest doing it with a T who is pretty open-minded, creative and can deal with the unknown and evaluate individual patterns in their own context, not just the common literature.

For me personally, this process has been highly beneficial because my transference pattern was not really related to a desire for care and love not received in childhood, but a form of youthful identity search and finding/developing my own values, though associating myself with people who seemed to carry those things - maybe parental in a sense that my parents did not meet some of those quality expectations, not as parents but more as human beings. This is part of my I could do most of the examination on my own and use the findings for self-improvement. I am not sure how it could work with transference that is strongly parental in its nature other than maybe learning to "parent" ourselves and become more self-sufficient and having better self care.

[Taylor27]

No, my t does not understand it or is trained to help me. He does try to understand and helps me know what supports i have in my life. I think in the next year or so i will be seeing another therapist at the clinic my therapist is near to retire

[Myrto]

In my experience and from the dozens of accounts I have read about it, no it’s not possible to work through something like that.
A lot of these « transference » cases are straight up addictions. The only way to stop an addiction is cutting off supply. Was that way for me. No amount of talking about it with my ex therapist was going to change anything except the state of my bank account.

From what I’ve noticed people who say they have worked through it are always still in therapy.
Not exactly a sign that things have been « worked through » imo.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Well.....has anyone successfully told their T about their type of transference (maternal, paternal, erotic) and the T was able to work with it, understand it and help you get past it? That is if they did not transfer you to another T or terminate you.

I think it's more a case of recognising it.

Originally Posted by Myrto

In my experience and from the dozens of accounts I have read about it, no it’s not possible to work through something like that.
A lot of these « transference » cases are straight up addictions. The only way to stop an addiction is cutting off supply. Was that way for me. No amount of talking about it with my ex therapist was going to change anything except the state of my bank account.

From what I’ve noticed people who say they have worked through it are always still in therapy.
Not exactly a sign that things have been « worked through » imo.

As someone who has experienced different kinds of addictions, at least one of them very severe, destructive and life-threatening, I tend to agree with the above. But exactly because I was lucky to be able to resolve all of them so far (and therapy did not help in that area), I would confidently say that there are many things one can learn from these experiences that can lead to profound personal growth. Still, if I could go back and choose whether I want this way of learning or not, would definitely choose NO. It comes at way too high cost and often through too much irreversible destruction. I did not get nearly as severely addicted to therapy as to other things, probably in part because the other experiences happened before all of my therapy (and a bit during). I was in a severely addictive personal relationship though before therapy once and there was no other way to resolve that but cut it off completely and even move a few states away from the source. But evaluating the costs and benefits in retrospect, full-blown addictions are never worth it in the grand scheme. And I fully agree that it is only possible to "work through" what drives them once the reinforcer has been stopped for a while. It is just not possible to see truly clearly while still using it and, for most people, moderating it will never be possible again. I am personally very happy that I was able to say 'no' to exploring my obsession with therapy with the therapists themselves. What people most often describe on this forum as "attachment" in therapy (or attachment issues) resemble substance abuse and other behavioral addictions so much to me, I am not sure I would dare to say they do not fit at least a milder form of addiction. And I generally agree with the futile nature of trying to resolve an addiction while still using, trying to think and talk ourselves out of it. What happens more, IMO, is that the reinforcer loses its efficacy over time and then people can move on. But spending decades to achieve that?! Plus, for those that are prone to it, they might just move on to trade it with something else.

Xynesthesia, this has been exactly my experience as well. Thank you for expressing it so well.

[RaineD]

No, because he died. I'm sure we would have worked through it if we had more time.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Myrto

In my experience and from the dozens of accounts I have read about it, no it’s not possible to work through something like that.
A lot of these « transference » cases are straight up addictions. The only way to stop an addiction is cutting off supply.

Yes I feel this in my bones. The only way this is ever going to stop is if I cut off all therapy. I have had this transference with every therapist because I have a massive hole that has never been filled. I never had a mother or father that took care of me and each therapist has become a surrogate. People that were raised with parents that filled their needs at least still have that parent to call on a daily basis and to talk to as needed (unless they passed away) but a therapist is a poor substitution because you can only see them or talk to them at session time and the ache becomes so bad between sessions but yet it is the closest thing to a loving parent you ever had. Even if it is a facade it is still something.

[piggy momma]

Yes. Was a major issue with my last T. He told me a certain amount is necessary. I don’t have that issue with my current t.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Well.....has anyone successfully told their T about their type of transference (maternal, paternal, erotic) and the T was able to work with it, understand it and help you get past it? That is if they did not transfer you to another T or terminate you.

Geez, reading here, its like saying NOBODY ever meets x goal. I will say, stunted as i am, that yes i did. I may not be perfect, but im a lot better than i was. And working thru the transference was a biiiiig part of it.

[feralkittymom]

Yes. In my experience there was no similarity to addiction processes at all. But I do think it takes a very astute T , a strong alliance independent of the transference, a client who is able to tolerate periods of extreme distress, and a therapy that can withstand those turbulent emotions.


Although I have returned to therapy after resolving the transference with former T over 20 yrs ago, it is for very different reasons, and there is no transference active in this therapy.

[Waterloo12345]

I haven't worked through it but I do believe I'm working through it. Of course I'm still in therapy 3x a week but I can see the role the attachment has played and is playing in guiding me to ways to fill it the hole through lived example.

[toomanycats]

*shrug* I don't consider my transference an addiction nor does it take away from my life.

I also don't know that I'll ever "work through" my transference in that I don't think I'll ever stop seeing my therapist as a father figure. I don't see anything wrong with that, though.

I'm not in therapy for forever, and I will say goodbye someday. But I will always view him as having been a father figure to me.

[MoxieDoxie]

Ok how do you even tell your therapist about your transference? What do you say?

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Ok how do you even tell your therapist about your transference? What do you say?

Well I did it in fits and starts by email cause am like a coward that way!! And I barely or only tangentially acknowledge it face to face but in email have been pretty clear, used 'love', referred to 'daddy', referred to wanting connection, comfort, non abandonment or 'well done/Good job', said expressly it's coming from 10 year or 2 year or baby me etc. He's following my lead in non or only tangential reference so far. Including to assure me it's normal, fine, a tool to heal.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

Well I did it in fits and starts by email cause am like a coward that way!! And I barely or only tangentially acknowledge it face to face but in email have been pretty clear, used 'love', referred to 'daddy', referred to wanting connection, comfort, non abandonment or 'well done/Good job', said expressly it's coming from 10 year or 2 year or baby me etc. He's following my lead in non or only tangential reference so far. Including to assure me it's normal, fine, a tool to heal.

Are you older or younger than him. I am 51 and he is like 34 so it is really awkward for me to feel this way. I know age and gender does not matter in things like this.

[Waterloo12345]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Are you older or younger than him. I am 51 and he is like 34 so it is really awkward for me to feel this way. I know age and gender does not matter in things like this.

Yep agree age/sex not matter as my feelings are actually maternal/primary care giver type. So he should be a woman!

But am 42 he's 50 or 49. If it helps until I clarified it, he was like am married. Am like eeewwwwwww. Also he's my doc not therapist to be clear.

But I've had transference to a number of mentor, caring type figures of both sexes but mostly older male over the years- obvs a huuugeeeee hole to fill as it just latches anywhere

My T is a woman of perhaps 45-50 and I feel negative maternal transference to her! Told her girl me views her a mummy but the prickly non trusting version. In email. Never acknowledged! Well she tries to raise it every so often and I blank her.

But will do something like sit in my 10 yr old pose and that is her cue that am interacting as a child. Also talk to her as if it is that part talking so I guess we talk around it.

[starfishing]

I see transference as a useful tool in therapy, but not in exactly the way you seem to be talking about it. It's not something I've ever had to bring up specifically, just an interesting lens through which to examine some of my feelings and behavior in therapy.

So it's not like I ever said oh hey Dr. Therapist, I have XYZ transference towards you. I just do what I can to describe how I'm feeling, including how I'm feeling towards him, and what feelings being around him seems to stir up. And then together we look at where those feelings could be coming from, whether that's something about him or something he did, or something from my past and my internal world that's being evoked. Or often a bit of both.

It's difficult sometimes for sure, but it's certainly nothing like an addiction.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

*shrug* I don't consider my transference an addiction nor does it take away from my life.

I also don't know that I'll ever "work through" my transference in that I don't think I'll ever stop seeing my therapist as a father figure. I don't see anything wrong with that, though.

I'm not in therapy for forever, and I will say goodbye someday. But I will always view him as having been a father figure to me.

In my experience, seeing my former T as a father figure is not the same as a paternal transference. The difference is that now that attachment isn't fueled by needs. The needs were met. So what remains is a mutual fondness, a normalized adult daughter/father relationship. For me it has been one of the rewards of seeing the process through.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

Ok how do you even tell your therapist about your transference? What do you say?

I never did. My experience was more like starfishing's. I was open about my feelings as they arose, but it was my T who explicitly brought it up after it had played out for a long time. My understanding is that this is common in psychoanalytically informed therapy: that the T brings the transference into explicit sharp focus only at the point the client is able to reflect upon it from a position of emotional strength, rather than act/express it through unmet needs. That's where the astuteness is especially important, I think. If it's brought out while the needs are still active, the realization that the T can't fully meet them can be too painful to bear. If timed correctly, there is a tinge of sadness or regret at the realization, but it's greatly tempered by the experiential awareness that the caring received is enough.