Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVI

So sorry Raine...I know it sucks. We get through it one painful day at a time and hope one day it will get a bit easier.

I know this may not sound comforting but it really helps me to think back to the things she said over the years. We discussed so many topics that I can apply her advice to current situations. It helps a little and at this point even a little is better than nothing.

Dear T1 🖕😐🖕

Dear T,

I didn't come to you so you could TAKE OVER MY LIFE!!

All I wanted was some help......my mistake...

...I miss you.

I’m so confused...

Wow.

I just...thank you. As I process what came up at the last session, I realized a lot of my initial emotional reaction was because it stomped on a pretty big nerve. After a few deep breaths, I can recognize that THIS isn't THAT. But it sure brought up a lot around what it was like to be in couples therapy with the kids' dad.

I suddenly realize how tricky that must have been for you then, all of the things you could see before I could, and I suddenly recognized in a new way, looking back, some of the ways you created a measure of protection and safety for me. That safe space, that bit of cushion offered me the boost up that I needed to start moving toward this place where I can even look back with this distance and perspective.

I know I've said this before, but why am I still nauseated at this point? (not pregnant) This is one thing that I just can't take physically. If I'm not better tomorrow I guess I will visit the doctor. All I can be mindful now of is how much my stomach hurts, so I guess my job is to accept it. I am still reading the mindful book. I am frustrated that I can't feel normal. I have no energy, None. But Christmas stuff to do. Bah Humbug, I guess.

2 more hugs left. That's it, potentially forever. I just can't handle this. I thought you were better than this, I never thought you would hurt me this much

It would be odd to spend the last session of the year discussing risks and benefits of entering a poetry contest, right?

I cried outside your office again. Did you see me? Do you know how much I miss you?

T: sometimes you are so weird, lol. but thanks.

Dear R,

I woke up today and the first thing I decided to do was cancel the Christmas present I ordered from Amazon.I don't want to be nice. I don't have to be nice.

Creepy guy wants to study with me today.I'd rather just be on my own.

I bought the book you recommended.

And also, I can do fine while still smoking and drinking.

That's that, I suppose.

What would you actually do if I broke down sobbing in your office?
If you seemed unaffected and just used your empathetic therapist voice I'd be mortified and deeply ashamed

I don't know if you actually care enough to feel upset by the stuff I tell you. I know you've heard a lot worse. But if you're feeling something could you please let it show?
I know there are a million reasons I've told you that I need you to not react emotionally. But I do trust you to be responsible for handling your own emotions by this point.

Emotion from you would make it feel less embarrassing. It would make me feel like I was allowed to be emotional.
You bring up how I'd react to someone else describing having had these experiences. If you're feeling anything like how you've pointed out I would feel, please just let it show. Not all the time, but once.
It would help me feel like I'm allowed to let it matter.

(this is one of the things I will never actually tell you. Because there's a chance you're not controlling your own emotional reaction for my benefit, you just don't feel that strongly about it/me. And I don't think I could handle you telling me that, no matter how kind you tried to be about it)

I changed my mind.



Studying with creepy guy at the coffee shop didn't go so well. He wanted to start surgery, which I've already completed. I wanted to do pharmacology. But he wanted me to teach him, instead of working independently and kept asking me questions less than every 5 mins which started to irritate me. "what's an autoclave, what's strangulation (context bowel strangulation) ".

Then he sensed that I was getting frustrated, so he left to sit on another table and I didn't stop him.

6 months?? I remember when going a week without an appointment with you was to much. Little did I know how much it would change 6 months ago today.

So t. It's day 3 post-therapy. I still feel that we did the right thing ending and am grateful that we did it together, grateful that my psyche stepped up to the plate so to speak and showed us that dream. And grateful that you shared what you'd been thinking with me, it gave me even more confidence in your capability as a t. And I already had a ton!!

Dear ex-MC,
One year ago tomorrow is when everything changed between us...It was probably ultimately, in the long run, for the better, but it certainly hurt like hell...

LT

plz write to me....

I need u...