What do you consider red flags?

Idk if I’m being hyper paranoid, but I’m scared of falling into the same trap again with new T. I just want a T who I’m not going to become enmeshed with. What are some signs of unethical therapy?

I think you can end up getting "enmeshed" even if the therapist is ethical and doing things right. It isn't even necessarily a bad thing as long as it is kept within the bounds of session, etc. and the T knows how to work with it.

Behaviors I'd worry about: blurring boundaries, love-bombing (overwhelming you with praise), negging (telling you you're awful and need them to fix you), acting more like a friend than a therapist (lots of personal disclosure, they talk about themselves more than you).

Red flag? Apart from sexual overtures and attempts to emotionally manipulate, I'd say anything that doesn't sit right with you and makes you uncomfortable.

If something doesn't feel right, I'd take it as a signal. Trust your gut instincts.

It seems like you're looking for a reason to push your new T away or trying to quit therapy. If you don't like your T, you don't need a reason to leave. Just leave.

As far as enmeshment, it can happen with an ethical T. My T has good boundaries and I'm still overly attached to her. I didn't want to get attached. But it happened.

In which case, you are attached and not enmeshed. Enmeshed is a mutual mess and is characterised by the therapist having poor boundaries. Until you have experienced a professional having poor boundaries, the horror of enmeshment is hard to conceptualise.

I apologize. Didn't realize there was a difference, but yes I understand the concept of both people being attached even though I never experienced it.

If he gives you gifts, that's a problem. If he books you last of the dat that's a problem, if he starts showing up in places he shouldn't , to run into you, thats a problem.

It can be nuanced. Things other people mention as red flags to me are dependent on the context. My long term t has said and done things that to me saved my life but would be frowned upon here at pc. My current t probably has too but so far it works for me.

If something makes you uncomfortable you have a right to question it, say no etc.

A LIAR......

I red flag when my T rolls up his sleeve, flexes his bicep and tells me to squeeze it.

I squeeze it anyway.

Very much disagree here. There are many people who's work schedule only allows things to be booked at this time.

For me, I've requested to be last because I can't deal with potentially seeing clients after me. we've done last with me over a year now and he's done noting inappropriate because we are alone etc, it's no different than if I was in day time, except no one else in in the building. It works for me though and if he was forcing me to do daytime sessions instead of being last like I've asked, THAT would be the problem

I guess you are asking about red flags other than the obvious unprofessional issues. For me personally, a red flag would be a therapist who discloses their own personal stuff way too early (and no particular reason other than -- I'm guessing -- to somehow let me know they "understand"). I find that creepy and TMI. (Disclosure down the road in very small and very focused doses is fine. It's the baring their personal history early on thing I'm talking about.)

The other red flag for me is simply that I just don't feel a darned thing in their presence; it is as if I might as well be talking to a fence post. I need my therapists to have a personality -- the whole blank slate, unemotional, detached thing doesn't work for me personally.

I can only say this in retrospect, but a red flag for me SHOULD have been a kind of up-selling on the part of the last T.

First, I was seeing her for an hour (50 mins) and then it turned into groups and then doing work "for" me in her absence, all billed to insurance.

This is going to catch up to me at some point when insurance questions it.....Man, I wish I had seen and acted on this red flag right away!

I think lots of things can be a red flag, but mostly I think if something doesn't seem right, if there's something in your gut that says this doesn't seem right, to trust that and maybe talk it through with the T. There could be a very good reason why T is doing X that equals red flag, or there could be a very bad reason. Kit.

I think that a red flag for one person might not be for another. My younger self easily fell into servility with authority figures. Though I thought it wonderful to find charismatic gurus (more accurately, people who sold me on their mastery) they were the last people I needed. Likewise, their encouraged regression was harmful rather than beneficial.

This is a very subjective question and the answer would very much vary on you personally are looking for in therapy and what fits into your definition of professional behavior.

It's difficult to define the "red flags" because even some of the things that are clearly outlined as unethical in the professional code of ethics such as sexual or sexualized behavior, engaging in business ventures with clients and others of that sort, are perceived by some people as normal. To me, those are not just "red flags", they are ground for legal action. But, astonishingly, quite a few people seem to be unfazed by those things.

The "red flags" that are obvious to me, may not be obvious to others. That's why the simplest way to protect yourself is to give yourself a permission not to tolerate anything that doesn't sit right with you. So many people get harmed simply because they don't trust themselves and their own judgments. There is no need to second guess if you don't like something the therapist is doing. If you don't like it, you don't need to tolerate it. Just leave and look for something you like better.

The things I consider red flags are:

1. Making unfair comparisons or saying that they, or someone they know, has been through something similar to you and either implied, or said that they dealt with the situation better than you.

When I told my last T that I'd been bullied at school and struggled to assert myself and fight back she told me that she had been bullied too, and always fought back which would sometimes get her in trouble.

I know that this is ambiguous and it could be argued that she was simply trying to connect with me by finding some common ground, but there are several other similar instances (which I won't disclose because I'm on a public forum) where she would imply that her problem (or someone elses) was either worse than mine or that their reactions were superior to mine. In CBT, therapists like their client to challenge negative thought patterns and try to find other ways to react to situations, but all my T did was simply tell me that I always respond in the wrong way without offering any guidance or alternatives.

Me = wrong, other people = correct.

2. Shaming and switching the conversation around to themselves when you're trying to open up to them about a serious issue you've been facing.

When I saw my last T, I had gained a lot of weight (around 50lbs) because I'm a comfort eater, and consuming too much of the 'wrong' foods gave me a temporary emotional boost. I explained how ashamed, ugly and out of control I felt and that I couldn't find a way to stop. Without displaying a shred of empathy, she smiled, and for at least ten minutes proceeded to tell me that she'd always been slim and that she gets up at 5:30 am every day to go to the gym. I was told that she always eats healthily and knows how to control her portion sizes, and she even stood up to show me how slim she was! That T was seventeen years older than me too, which somehow made me feel worse.

This is similar to the first red flag in that she was subtly shaming me for being different to her. Obviously, taking care of your body and eating right are essential for personal health and wellbeing, but that's easy to say and put into practice when you're mentally well enough. You stop caring about yourself when you're suffering from depression, and don't always think about the consequences of your actions. If I wanted to eat pizza and family sized cakes, I would, because for 20 minutes or so I was happy and not thinking about my problems.

Instead of addressing the reasons why I was comfort eating and what I realistically could do to overcome it, my therapist (again) took the opportunity to talk about herself and tell me how great she was. Shocking - considering that I knew she also worked with people who have eating disorders!

3. Infantilising you and being condescending.

There were times when my T would mention my age (mid 30s) a lot, whenever I told her about my struggles with interacting with people, and implied that I should grow up. Yet at the same time, she'd treat me like a child and consistently underestimate my abilities. I'd be pressured to set life goals, but they were never the right ones. I had to have dreams and ambitions but as long as I didn't get above my station.

I don't think that therapist was a horrible person, and I can't say for sure how she would've reacted had I confronted her instead of keeping quiet and letting things fester, but I definitely think that she had her own personality issues that needed to be addressed. The times when she listened and appeared to empathise were cancelled out by her self-absorbed, smug and often judgemental attitude.

valuable advice!

I agree with the poster who suggested you are actually looking for a way and reason to quit this therapist. It sounds to me like you are already uncomfortable. If this is the case then it is time to move out and move on now.

It surprises me the suggestion that a therapist or psychiatrist would make sexual overatures including the innuendo game. I would think most professionals would take a 'hands off' approach and not risk losing their livelihood. Could it be that in most cases the client is misreading the communication and cues of the mental healthcare provider? I am of the opinion that this is usually the case. I am guessing this comes from an overwhelming need to be accepted and feel loved. Thus, the misinterpretation of the effort to be friendly and less intimidating on the part of the professional. They are after all just that.

A red flag to me would be a professional belittling or not taking seriously a client's concern or difficulty.