[justbreathe1994]

I’m feeling very vulnerable and ashamed to already be posting this. I have met with my new T a few times and have already been growing somwhat attached. She specializes in attachment so that’s good, but today she mentioned that was a mother and I didn’t know that. For some reason, I’m already triggered by it and I’m not really even that attached yet! I feel so stupid. I amfraid that it’s going to get more painful as I grow more attached to her and I’m really scared about it. My last T was not a mother so I only had felt jealous of her neices. Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone else experienced jealous for Their T’s kids?

[toomanycats]

For me, it helps that my mother is a therapist...and yet I'm in therapy dealing with some pretty big mistakes she made as my mother. Because of this, I am well aware that I get a much more perfect father in therapy than I ever would if my therapist was my actual dad. I experience longings for things, but not actual jealousy over his kids' position.

It helps that he tells me he experiences "daddy feelings" towards me & often talks directly about it or responds to me as if I am his daughter.

[DP_2017]

My T has no kids. I've felt no jealousy for anyone in his family. I'm happy he has them.

HOWEVER... I loathe all of his female clients and co workers, LOL I've got massive issues with that. I will basically feel like crawling in a hole and dying if I see him laughing with any of them.... thankfully that rarely happens

Sadly, I've no idea how to deal with this sort of thing but it's very common, you are not alone

[Seelenna1982]

That must be difficult to feel. I’m not sure I understand what would cause you to be jealous of someone’s children? I’m in therapy to help with some personal issues and I’ve found someone to help me. It doesn’t matter to me whatsoever how she lives her life or who with.
Her children cirtanly don’t come into our interactions. I would suggest that you talk with your new T about this issue and maybe she could spend some time working on it with you.

[piggy momma]

My current T is single and never married (he's a priest) so I've never really experienced transference with him.

However, my last T...he used to talk about his kids a lot, and I'd get SOOO jealous. I desperately wanted him to be my dad. I actually asked him at one point if he would adopt me, and I was serious. When my dad died, I told him he had to be a dad to me because I didn't have one anymore.

Ya I get it...totally...

[NP_Complete]

My therapist doesn't have children as far as I know, but he once told me (in response to me wishing he was my friend) that he was jealous of his previous therapist's kids because he wished he was his father. I think it's normal.

[Echos Myron redux]

I do feel some jealousy towards my T's kids. I have told him about it. It's a normal part of attachment to a therapist I think. It would probably be worth discussing with her. I'm actually quite surprised she mentioned it given that she specialises in attachment.

[justbreathe1994]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

I do feel some jealousy towards my T's kids. I have told him about it. It's a normal part of attachment to a therapist I think. It would probably be worth discussing with her. I'm actually quite surprised she mentioned it given that she specialises in attachment.

Thanks for this. But I was wondering, why are you surprised she mentioned it? Maybe she’s not the type to avoid triggers.

[Echos Myron redux]

Originally Posted by justbreathe1994

Thanks for this. But I was wondering, why are you surprised she mentioned it? Maybe she’s not the type to avoid triggers.

I guess it just seems quite early in the relationship, she doesn't know your capacity to manage that kind of information. I feel like a therapist, particularly in the early stages of therapy before the relationship has solid foundations, ought to take care not to say anything that might cause distress or destabilise a client.
I'm not saying it's a massive red flag or anything, just that I would have put more thought into the potential impact of that disclosure.

Just work with it.

[Lemoncake]

I've told my T that I'm jealous of his wife and daughter. I honestly used to feel the same way, but it's something that's hardwired in our brains and very very common. I try to accept it without judgement. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person for feeling the way you do.

This video about babies made me feel better:

[TishaBuv]

Your therapy journey is about YOU. Maybe you want to leave this therapist and find one who is not a mother. It’s your personal choice if you want to cope with your feelings of jealousy or protect yourself by finding another therapist. You could also discuss these feelings with her right away and discuss with her what she thinks is best for you to do. It is all about you here.

Years ago I told my therapist I dont want to hear about her kids. Once she asked me if I wanted to meet them and I said no way. I also have them blocked on facebook so I don’t accidentally see any posts they put on her facebook page. I also cant see any she posts to them. All it took was for me was to see one of her “my amazing kids that I love so much” posts, and I blocked seeing anything further about them.

[ArtleyWilkins]

I have always like knowing about my therapists families. They all had pictures of their wives and kids (and grandkids) in their offices. I think, for me, it made them more like me. I’m a family person. I have a spouse and kids. It gave us something in common and kept them very human because those kids of theirs were no more perfect than my own. LOL! They were very typical family relationships with their own issues (yes, we chatted about them a bit at times).

[ElectricManatee]

I have felt jealous of my T's kids before, not because I think she's a perfect mother but because I think she's at least better than mine. I found it really helpful to talk to her about what I felt and why. Over time, my jealousy has lessened quite a bit, both because I have been able to understand my feelings through our conversations and because I realized that she does give me some of the emotional stuff that I was craving from a mother figure (attention, care, understanding, etc).

I have mixed feelings.

I think it’s totally normal to feel jealous of people in our therapist’s lives. If it’s not jealousy of children, I think it can come out as jealousy towards spouses, friends or other relationships. In many ways, the setup of therapy can be withholding and rejecting in that way. There is always a knowledge that 45 minutes a week is all we get and a relationship outside of the room will never happen. It’s hard to accept that other people have 24/7 access to our idealize support figure, while we are sectioned off in a really secretive way.

Rationally, I understand why therapy is structured this way, but often I question if it’s healthy for ALL of us, and if there is really such a thing as working through the feelings. It seems that habituating to it is best case - though wouldn’t doubt somone who said it was talked, felt or rationalized out for them.

I didn’t struggle so much with intense jealousy of my therapists kids - though it cropped up in spots - but that therapy followed a pattern of strong intimacy and then abandon (and I wish that it hadn’t)... week after week. It didn’t seem fair. For me, it took a heavy toll and opened the door to a whole lot of emotional turmoil and therapy melodrama. I can’t say that this is the case for you, but felt healthier in relationships that followed a more normal relationship pattern. As a ‘worried well’ (and now victim of therapy trauma) I am furtunate enough to be able to go without therapy. For those that have to deal with these dynamics long term, it is certainly motivation to get well and get moving.