[annielovesbacon]

I see my T at a clinic and as a result have much stricter boundaries than a T in private practice would (I imagine). I cannot call, email, or text, I can only contact her by leaving a message with the front desk. When she calls me it's from a blocked number.

I'm grateful for this, actually, I feel that my attachment would be much worse if I could contact her outside of session. I feel quite sure that I would email her embarrassing things while drunk, so I'm glad that option isn't even available to me. Does anyone else feel like this?

[zoiecat]

I agree. My T allows me to call his cell if I need to but I have never done it. I can email for scheduling issues. I wouldn't really say his boundaries are rigid but I'm sure he would not allow me to abuse outside contact.

What I really like about my T is his strict boundaries within the room. He will not allow me to just vent about my week for more than 5-10 minutes max if that. He always says that people who only vent and lean on their T just to get by each week do not get better. He is constantly pushing me towards improving. I have to turn in a DBT skills diary card at the start of each session. He will confront me if I am slacking off on my skills or mindfulness practice. If I SH he insists on immediately doing a chain analysis about it which usually takes about 3 sessions and he will not allow me to talk about anything else until it is complete. I hate him for it at the time. But I am also grateful. He makes me complete a yearly contract with goals. In it he agrees to work with me for the next year but he also reminds me that he will refer me if I do not make any progress in the next year.

Because of my T strict boundaries and rules that push me toward progressing, I have made tremendous inprovements in the last 2 years.

[stopdog]

I always wanted those people to stay back and away from me. Clients have boundaries too. I am grateful my own are so strict.
I would not work with one who I thought had rules or strictness or pushed me.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

I agree. My T allows me to call his cell if I need to but I have never done it. I can email for scheduling issues. I wouldn't really say his boundaries are rigid but I'm sure he would not allow me to abuse outside contact.

What I really like about my T is his strict boundaries within the room. He will not allow me to just vent about my week for more than 5-10 minutes max if that. He always says that people who only vent and lean on their T just to get by each week do not get better. He is constantly pushing me towards improving. I have to turn in a DBT skills diary card at the start of each session. He will confront me if I am slacking off on my skills or mindfulness practice. If I SH he insists on immediately doing a chain analysis about it which usually takes about 3 sessions and he will not allow me to talk about anything else until it is complete. I hate him for it at the time. But I am also grateful. He makes me complete a yearly contract with goals. In it he agrees to work with me for the next year but he also reminds me that he will refer me if I do not make any progress in the next year.

Because of my T strict boundaries and rules that push me toward progressing, I have made tremendous inprovements in the last 2 years.

Rules and directives are not necessarily boundaries just because a therapist says them.
Boundaries are limits people set, they're not about controlling other people's behavior. Things like setting limits on outside contact are certainly boundaries. Making you complete work is not a boundary imo.
It's hard to say any one thing is or isn't a boundary, and I don't want to criticize your therapist. If the strict rule setting thing works for you, great. But if he's calling all those things boundaries that would be a major red flag for me.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

I wish my T had better, more clear boundaries. Aside from the no romantic relationship thing and the no hanging out as friends rule, I don't know where his boundaries are. Its frustrating and exhausting.

[piggy momma]

My T is really loose about contact - I can email and text as much and as often as I want. I could probably call, but we both hate the phone so I never do. If something is urgent (this has only ever happened once), he sent me a text and said "can you talk" and then called me. Likewise I said to him only once "call me when you have a sec - not urgent".

He is pretty strict in session. I thought he'd be an easy pushover but he's totally not. He's super laid back and chill about some things, but when it comes to work, he's pretty strict. He doesn't really give me homework and if he does we never follow up, so that bothers me, but he does push me and doesn't let me slack off too much.

[Xynesthesia2]

I would have been during the time in my life when my own boundaries were very shaky and inconsistent with other elements of my personality. I've always liked best people who have solid and well-defined boundaries, Ts or not. But when I was mentally unhealthy, I often engaged with much messier individuals, including my first T, because then I could act out my impulses and excessive desires more easily. But I am like stopdog in that I do not believe that good boundaries can truly be enforced externally in a way that it would fix ours. Therapy is weird enough in that we go to sessions to speak about highly personal things regularly and expecting that to be strictly compartmentalized is and confined to an hour a week is pretty unnatural, I don't even think it is healthy. I liked my second Ts style in that he never limited outside of session contact for me, only for himself. He regulated the quality and quantity of his engagement and doing so provided an appealing example for me to try out. It also reminded me of my own natural boundaries (unless I am in a bad way, especially drinking) and desire for professionalism. But I do not think that banning or restricting is a great method with adults, leading by example is much better in my view.

For me, not reinforcing my excessive and unhealthy acts is the best approach - it will dissipate sooner or later because it is not being fed. It was a lot like getting and staying sober for me as much tendencies for excessive contact was not really about attachment but a bad habit and distraction. I often think that many Ts are not aware enough of how intermittent reinforcement (that they often do) is one of the worst ways to help someone build better boundaries and impulse control.

[Omers]

I have worked with both and can see benefits to both sides. S T was very strict but I still got very attached and the boundaries helped me feel safe. I worked with her at a time when I had some really good outside supports. N T was also strict and it sorta worked. She did not allow any contact outside of sessions... then she was angry with me the two times I was put inpatient by Pdoc because I only called to reschedule.
Current T is off the charts open with me. He has the web page with his picture I can go to, he encourages me to call when ever I need. I don’t like phones so I can also email or text but it is important to him that I be able to reach out to him any time. He does not always respond but I send a lot of reflections on the session that don’t need a reply. I have finally believed that hugs at the end of session are OK and I am pretty sure if I asked at another time they would be OK too. He also holds my hand when I am feeling vulnerable. BUT and it is a really big but... all of this is totally congruent with his personality. This is who he is both inside and outside his office so he is being true to himself.
What I have found difficult is when a T is being incongruent. They get uncomfortable with themselves and often start to resent the client for it. I have run into this with T’s working in settings that required them to be strict when they weren’t and with T’s who for what ever reason were more open than their comfort level. So for me a T being congruent with themselves and their comfort level is more important than what the boundaries are.

[fouracres]

Yes, yes, yes.

What originally got me into therapy in the first place was stress from other people not respecting my boundaries. I’ve found so much value and ease within the construct of a relationship with clearly defined boundaries. Sometimes I want to cry of happiness knowing that I don’t have to worry about T taking advantage of my issues with protecting my own boundaries. And it makes me so grateful for my T because I know myself better now and know how poorly I handle people’s attempts to overstep with me.

I can email or call if ever needed. But I don’t. That weekly hour feels sacred to me and I have no desire to steal from my own peace and happiness by blurring those boundaries even a little. Strict boundaries really keep that weekly appointment as a very special time for me.

Okay now I’m getting sappy. :-)

Yay boundaries!

[seoultous]

I have the ability to call and leave a message on my T's answering machine if I need to touch base (6 times in 10 years). I get a call back by the end of the day. I only call if I am completely miserable since I hate calling people in general.

There is no weekend support which I understand but have been unhappy about maybe twice. If my T is on vacation, there is a back-up assigned to me from the same practice.

I feel these are appropriate boundaries. I wouldn't want the ability to text or email my T.

[Taylor27]

My t has loosen up on his boundaries as he has gotten to know me, however i am so glad to not have e-mail or text it is againts the clinics policy. I can phone him and leave letters in between sessions, he useally does not get back to me unless it's a emergency or to reschedual. I like how me and him have set things up so i do not depend on him so much. I think the reason why he has loosen up on his boundaries is because i work hard and i respect his time with me.


I am going to be getting a new to sometime in the next couple of months my current t is retiring i am hoping to go more often for a while not wait a month, other then that i hope the boundaries will be more the same.


The only thing i did not agree with was how often i could see him, i was going every 2 weeks and then he changed it because i took a dbt skill course last year. I can only see him once a month now hopefully that changes.

[Mully]

At times I’ve felt very resentful of my Ts strict boundaries. I’m allowed to call her vm, and recently email occasionally, but she will not answer until she’s back in the office, and she only works 3 days a week. Right now she’s on a three week trip overseas for a family funeral, so we have zero contact during that time. While I absolutely hate it, I’m also really grateful for it. It’s consistent, and I respect the fact that she has a life of her own and knows how to take care of herself.

[Lrad123]

I’m not sure that it’s the boundaries that I’m thankful for, but I am thankful for his consistency. I suppose he’s very consistent with his boundaries, so I guess there’s some overlap there. We had a change in boundaries a few months ago, and although I protested and still feel occasionally bothered by it, I do respect the fact that he’s been non-defensive about it it and incredibly consistent about it. I guess it feels containing and I know what to expect.

[Salmon77]

I don't know if my T is strict because I haven't tested it, but I like that we only talk in session, don't do outside contact, no hugs/touching etc. I feel like it keeps it clear what his role is in my life, that it's professional and not a friendship or anything else.

He doesn't have stated 'rules' like therapists I read about here, but his boundaries represent his sense of self, so he generally feels strong and safe to me.

Sometimes, but not often, he is too rigid and needs to loosen up. I usually clash with a-nal type personalities, so sometimes there is friction there.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Mine never had email or texting as an option. I never really thought of it as a boundary because it wasn't like it was even available to me as a client. If I needed to contact, it took a phone call, and I liked that. I knew if I called, I needed to have a pretty solid reason to do so because we were going to have a conversation -- no hiding behind a keyboard. I preferred the dialogue. I can't imagine the communication problems that would come with typing a question, thoughts, etc. . . .having to wait for a response. Maybe the initial email was unclear so the response wasn't quite right, so having to write back . . . wait again . . . etc. etc. Seems like that would be unproductive and take much too much time where a phone call is a conversation, right then and there. We can ask questions, hear each others' voice inflection, clarify when needed, and come to a closure in a matter of minutes instead of it being drawn out over however long it takes to do that via email.

The only boundary my T and pdoc set about the phone was that it should be an emergency if I called. They never questioned my calls. They always said they knew if I called, it was a call worth making because I didn't do it very often.

[susannahsays]

I don't much care either way. I'm not sure I would be ok with being on the complete no contact between sessions end of the spectrum, though - not for sentimental reasons, but because it can be a hassle. I'd much rather text the therapist to cancel or schedule/reschedule an appointment than call the receptionist.

I don't contact the therapist frequently. I shoot off a text occasionally that requires no response. She doesn't do email. I could call her, but I don't want to have a discussion. I just want to shoot off a text here and there.

Besides, she texted me and C on Thursday to say strawberry season had started because she knows we love to go pick our own strawberries. I love a good strawberry and I thought the season wasn't going to start until early April. Wouldn't have known without texting!

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Mine never had email or texting as an option. I never really thought of it as a boundary because it wasn't like it was even available to me as a client. If I needed to contact, it took a phone call, and I liked that. I knew if I called, I needed to have a pretty solid reason to do so because we were going to have a conversation -- no hiding behind a keyboard. I preferred the dialogue. I can't imagine the communication problems that would come with typing a question, thoughts, etc. . . .having to wait for a response. Maybe the initial email was unclear so the response wasn't quite right, so having to write back . . . wait again . . . etc. etc. Seems like that would be unproductive and take much too much time where a phone call is a conversation, right then and there. We can ask questions, hear each others' voice inflection, clarify when needed, and come to a closure in a matter of minutes instead of it being drawn out over however long it takes to do that via email.

The only boundary my T and pdoc set about the phone was that it should be an emergency if I called. They never questioned my calls. They always said they knew if I called, it was a call worth making because I didn't do it very often.

I agree, I think more issues than solutions would come from emails and texts if there were communication issues. Also, it would make me very anxious to have to wait for a text or email back.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by kaleidoscopeheart

I wish my T had better, more clear boundaries. Aside from the no romantic relationship thing and the no hanging out as friends rule, I don't know where his boundaries are. Its frustrating and exhausting.

I'm sorry, that must be really frustrating. I know this is such a cliche thing but have you considered asking you T about boundaries? I know it would be a difficult conversation for me to have, but if I was unclear about boundaries having the difficult conversation might ultimately cause me less pain than being constantly confused and frustrated.

[Ashleypenwren]

There's a lot of interesting variety here. I'm not sure if my t has a direct phone number. I guess i could probably leave a message if i need something, but I probably never will. There is a platform for sending messages to care providers in the clinic which I've used often to follow up with primary care or my old psychiatrist (for instance if i need a referral or med change) .. but it never occured to me to send my t a message.

I can see being frustrated if the boundaries suddenly change though