[20oney]

So today, I went and saw T. At the last session, they mentioned wanting to discuss a bit further the grief that I am experiencing - so I was somewhat expecting that and preparing myself for the difficulties of the conversation. I also wanted to go over a certain memory that has been weighing on my mind for the last week as there are some events coming up which are somewhat triggering.

So the session started, I was able to mention the events and I guess I expected T to get the hint and dig a little deeper - they did not. I don't do a lot of talking in therapy, nor do I often bring things up life this. So to me, it should have been quite obvious that I needed to dig a little deeper into that. But we merely scratched the surface which has left me on edge and about to face these events with no lead up discussion. So we didn't discuss this, or the grief..

What we did discuss was ways to 'channel' my emotions, turn them in to something productive other than ignoring them and internalising. I get it, it all makes sense. But after 4 years of battling with depression, the questions left are 'what haven't i tried'? During the conversation I found myself becoming overwhelmed by sadness and intense feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. If I were good at speaking up, articulation my thoughts and feelings - I would have said something. But I'm not. I felt cornered, stuck, in a conversation that seemed to be more harmful than helpful.

From one view, I can see how this has brought up a lot of emotions and thoughts for me, which is good and bad.. But I donno, I am disappointed with T's efforts today. It's like they forgot who they were dealing with, they forgot that even if the conversation was having some impact on me, that I wouldn't be able to put it all into words and that I would need some help in that way..

It just feels so wasted and like I've taken a massive step backwards. Not to mention the anxiety towards the upcoming event that I will be faced with alone.

My T is normally great, we connect and they generally have a pretty good idea of what is going on for me..

I don't have a question as such, I just need to get this out.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry you didn't have a good session. I have trouble talking in therapy, so sometimes I don't speak up as it sounds like you don't either. Maybe you can do some artwork or journalling to help you get out some of those thoughts and emotions. It may be helpful getting some of the intensity to subside.

[piggy momma]

I think Slumberkitty’s suggestion of artwork or journalling is great!

Can you email your T and express what you’ve said here? Sometimes we’re just better at saying things in writing, and that may be the case with you.