[colorsofthewind12]

What if the only thing that helps you regulate yourself in between sessions is sending a nasty email to your therapist?

[velcro003]

i suppose it depends on how your T receives it. Have you done this in the past?

[piggy momma]

Is it a nasty email directed AT your therapist, or are you venting TO yiur therapist?

Maybe write it all out but don’t send it. I guess it depends on your therapist and your relationship with him/her. I have started journaling and find it really helpful. It’s also cut down considerably the number of emails I send to my therapist. Just a thought...

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by velcro003

i suppose it depends on how your T receives it. Have you done this in the past?

Yes. Not well received (understandably). I am not allowed any in between session contact.

[velcro003]

have you talked to your T about this? how you are afraid its the only way for you to feel regulated? i journal my thoughts once a week for my T to read in session. this particular one she will read tomorrow is full of rage, but at me, not at her.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by piggy momma

Is it a nasty email directed AT your therapist, or are you venting TO yiur therapist?

Maybe write it all out but don’t send it. I guess it depends on your therapist and your relationship with him/her. I have started journaling and find it really helpful. It’s also cut down considerably the number of emails I send to my therapist. Just a thought...

Both.

Good idea. I do journal. But there’s a particular satisfaction that I gain from “affecting him” that helps me regulate myself to the point that I can stop ruminating in my anger or paralysis and attend to my life. Journaling sometimes helps but not as effective.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by velcro003

have you talked to your T about this? how you are afraid its the only way for you to feel regulated? i journal my thoughts once a week for my T to read in session. this particular one she will read tomorrow is full of rage, but at me, not at her.

Yes we have spoken about it. Takes a lot of the work of my therapy. But hasn’t been resolved. Apparently I am supposed to learn to regulate myself on my own.

[velcro003]

i mean, that is the supposed goal, but does your T have any other suggestions besides angry e-mails? what makes you want to write them? do you feel this angry after sessions?

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by velcro003

i mean, that is the supposed goal, but does your T have any other suggestions besides angry e-mails? what makes you want to write them? do you feel this angry after sessions?

We’ve discussed other things and analyzed the dynamic to death but nothing seems to help.

I don’t feel this angry after every session, just some. The desire stems from feeling unsettled and wanting the last word. It’s a power thing.

I end up harming myself in other ways. But at least it’s directed towards myself as opposed to a verbal attack via email towards him, right. 🙄

[MRT6211]

I have to agree on the journal thing. I send T my journals, and on particularly rough days, I’ll send her my journal via email so that I can talk to her about it on the phone that day. I did what you describe here one weak, where I took my aggressions out on her and basically just ranted at her, and that’s the only week she never emailed or called me. I was SO angry at the time, I went into session ready to continue on my rant and she set me straight. She told me that the kind of behavior I exhibited (especially because I also relapsed with self-harm out of kind of a revenge thing during that week) was unacceptable, and that acting like that was not going to get me the attention I wanted or needed from her. She said she’s happy to help me through tough times between sessions, but not if I go about it like that. I think that’s one of the best moves she’s pulled on me, even though I was mad at the time.
Perhaps that’s what your T is aiming for, for you to seek positive attention? I think it’s healthy for you to get your emotions out, but remember, T is there to help you, he’s not your punching bag. (That’s what my exT once said to me when I started yelling at her about something that wasn’t her fault once). I know this is hard. Maybe try to direct the conversation to specific solutions during your next session.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

What if the only thing that helps you regulate yourself in between sessions is sending a nasty email to your therapist?

That doesn't sound terribly self-regulated.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by MRT6211

I have to agree on the journal thing. I send T my journals, and on particularly rough days, I’ll send her my journal via email so that I can talk to her about it on the phone that day. I did what you describe here one weak, where I took my aggressions out on her and basically just ranted at her, and that’s the only week she never emailed or called me. I was SO angry at the time, I went into session ready to continue on my rant and she set me straight. She told me that the kind of behavior I exhibited (especially because I also relapsed with self-harm out of kind of a revenge thing during that week) was unacceptable, and that acting like that was not going to get me the attention I wanted or needed from her. She said she’s happy to help me through tough times between sessions, but not if I go about it like that. I think that’s one of the best moves she’s pulled on me, even though I was mad at the time.
Perhaps that’s what your T is aiming for, for you to seek positive attention? I think it’s healthy for you to get your emotions out, but remember, T is there to help you, he’s not your punching bag. (That’s what my exT once said to me when I started yelling at her about something that wasn’t her fault once). I know this is hard. Maybe try to direct the conversation to specific solutions during your next session.

Thanks for sharing.

My T doesnt allow for out of session contact, even if it’s positive. You’re right, he is not my punching bag. But I cannot continue my therapy if I am going to feel this dysregulated in between sessions. I have real life to attend to.

[colorsofthewind12]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

That doesn't sound terribly self-regulated.

I feel better after I send the email.

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

Thanks for sharing.

My T doesnt allow for out of session contact, even if it’s positive. You’re right, he is not my punching bag. But I cannot continue my therapy if I am going to feel this dysregulated in between sessions. I have real life to attend to.

I can understand that, for sure. I’m the same way with that. Perhaps maybe you need a T that will work more with your needs, then? It does sound like this need has been made clear to him...

[here today]

I was very cut off from my retaliatory feelings/impulses. So when I wanted to hurt my last T, after I was/felt rejected by her, it was a surprise and -- "dysregulating" sounds like an OK term to use.

Since it was therapy, I didn't feel I needed to, or should, repress it. And decided it was "there", in my repertoire of impulses and action-tendencies, for a reason. Even though it's pretty generally in poor regard socially these days.

And, therapists in general, in my experience, don't know generally, very well, what to do with or to help with that kind of feeling. May have "issues" with it themselves, due to the general cultural thing and their own upbringing, hence take emails personally, rather than just as an expression of your feelings.

More than two years after the "thing" (retaliatory impulse/feeling) first appeared, I can now accept it pretty well. And act on it, occasionally, in measured ways, when aggressed against, and feel better for doing it. Not that I really want to "hurt somebody" as an independent motive, but in retaliation, when aggressed against -- yeah, it's a biological thing, with roots going back to before the ancestors had words or emails, I think. It communicates "Don't hurt me." "I'll hurt you back if you hurt me." Something to that effect.

But . . .since aggression has such a bad "rap" these days, understanding it may be something you have to do on your own.

It (usually) comes from feeling hurt -- do you know what your T did that led to the retaliatory feeling? Maybe they really did do something -- put you down, disrespect you, etc.

ETA: I just saw your thread from a couple of weeks ago, about your T hurting you. Sorry you're going through all this. Hopefully it will work out in time, one way or the other.

[feileacan]

Could more frequent sessions help you contain your feelings better?

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by feileacan

Could more frequent sessions help you contain your feelings better?

I've done the same thing before.

But perhaps also learning DBT skills via a workbook would help. I'm on page 28 but I've found it good so far. The one I have is by Matthew Mckay.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

Both.

Good idea. I do journal. But there’s a particular satisfaction that I gain from “affecting him” that helps me regulate myself to the point that I can stop ruminating in my anger or paralysis and attend to my life. Journaling sometimes helps but not as effective.

That seems very self aware. What is the deeper issue- do you feel you have no affect on him without doing this? That is a problem. Babies cry when a face is too blank, and in therapy it is important to feel attunement and mirroring . Maybe something isn't nourishing you, and you are lashing out?

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

Thanks for sharing.

My T doesnt allow for out of session contact, even if it’s positive. You’re right, he is not my punching bag. But I cannot continue my therapy if I am going to feel this dysregulated in between sessions. I have real life to attend to.

I wonder if it would help to build up your coping skills and proceed more slowly in therapy. Surely you have not tried the wide span of self care that helps many people feel more centered and calm, including meditation, mindfulness, creative activities, strategies contained in numerous books (I like "Mindsight" and "Buddha's Brain", movement like Tai Chai and yoga, etc. Maybe you just came upon the punching bag strategy and it's quick and it's easy.

But I would also question whether it is truly helping and whether "feeling better" is functional when you are hurting someone else. Does it really make you feel good to hurt someone else? That might be a therapy issue in itself.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by colorsofthewind12

I feel better after I send the email.

But lots of people "feel better" after doing many rather self-destructive things (addictions, overspending, SH, etc.) or after "kicking the dog" (so to speak); that doesn't make it healthy or truly helpful.

[here today]

Do you think it might be helpful, and possible with this T, to talk about your feelings of wanting to retaliate? To put into words what is going on with you?

I saw in your previous post that your first impulse, after the T hurt you, was to cancel the appointment. And that your T said that he stands by what he said that hurt you. So, if you don't want to look for another T -- is there anyway that you can explore the feeling of hurt more with him? And can just disagree with him, if you do. You all don't have to agree. He may come off like an expert and/or believe what he said, and still be wrong. So if the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it. Or don't wear it, yet. Or something like that.

Maybe, too, you are stronger than you think and can leave and find another T? Or no T. The no T option has turned out the best for me, though it is has taken support group availability, too, for sure. And was horrendously difficult, too, for sure.

[Elio]

It sounds like your desire to find a working solution with these urges is not to actually hurt him or to literally have the last word but to decompress from what has become an emotionally charged moment (an activation of your nervous system or amygdala) so that you can be engaged in daily living needs. You have found that sending an emotionally charged/aggressive email works for that decompression. Your T has put up a boundary of no between session contacts. These are opposing needs so finding a solution is going to require some give and take. If you can suspend your disbelief, it might be that you can achieve enough of what you need through sending an email to a mailbox that you created for him specifically. You can always share them with him at your next session.

Another option that I like would be to see if your T would be willing to get another email address that he decides on if he checks or not or maybe only checks during your session. Personally, I like this option because then you still are sending to him and there's no taking it back once you send it. He ultimately is in control of the situation (as he is currently by creating the boundary in the first place). He gets to decide about reading it or not, when to read it, and so on. Having him read it for the first time while you are there with him in session will allow you to "see" what affect if any the email has on him. Depending on what it is he feels you need here and how much he can separate himself from it; might be no personal affect or might be clarification as to why what you said was "inappropriate" (in that no punching bag mindset).

If you try creating the account yourself, I'd make sure that the email address is something black and white him - his name in some way or something so that it can feel more real. I might even go as far as to tell him that you did it and perhaps give him the password to the account.

I do understand the "costs" involved in trying to control or refrain from the behavior that seems to most resolve the immediate need. And it also sounds like you understand that ultimately this is not a behavior you want to keep as a way to deal with this type of emotional activation. It sounds like you have talked about it repeatedly. Perhaps, this is something you need to be allowed to experience without judgement or reaction. There are several ways of "knowing" or learning something. Since it seems the logical/intellectual understanding of it isn't resolving the need; it sounds like experience maybe needed.