[coolibrarian]

I'm ruminating and I don't like how it feels. I'm afraid because I think I might be ruminating about sui. At once it seems unlikely, and at the same time, I'm afraid.

Years ago I had sui ideation 4 times. But this feels different, somehow.

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of being chronically depressed since I was 6; I'm 59 now.

I know this depression will lift. It always does. But this time of year is so difficult. Both my and my wife's fathers death anniversary are in December. I don't know when I'll see my T again, and I miss her so much. We've had a few texts, there's so much more, it's complicated, and i_m confused. And now I'm late for work.

[SalingerEsme]

Thank your for sharing these feelings and thoughts. I am sure you know there's a big difference between ruminating and acting, so it isn't like your thoughts are going to take you over even though it feels that way. I have felt the lure of these thoughts, and they are scary when the pop into mind and won't leave. When I taught in boarding school, we were taught to screen by have you rehearsed a specific plan and method as the tipping point for getting help or biding time watchfully, and I do this for myself to kind of realize these are more like OCD intrusions than an actual plan. That may not be the case for you but it might be. If you have a concrete plan, then go to the hospital and let them care for you; if you have intrusive thoughts that make you feel out of control , but don't manifest in specificities you could still go to the hospital or you could keep a nice, gentle, lifeguarding eye on yourself . Can you share with your T even by text? With your wife?

[nottrustin]

Cool, I really wish I could help you. I know it's hard when these thoughts wont go away. I know you don't want to see a temporary T and I don't blame you. Have you ever considered utilizing the crisis text line? I person didn't not have to be on the verge of Su to contact them. When T first passed and I read struggling the where I was passively Su so I texted them. It was a huge help to me.... you can alway pm me if you want

[SlumberKitty]

((((hugs)))) I'm sorry about the rumination. That makes things hard. Don't be afraid to reach out in real life, and here on PC when you need to. Kit.

[coolibrarian]

I can share with my T by text. She has said she may or may not reply. I do think that she'd reply to this kind of text. I can call my Pdoc. I have talked "around" my feelings to a friend who lives 3,000+ miles away. I know my wife is already worried about me, and I don't want that to be made worse for her.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Cool, I really wish I could help you. I know it's hard when these thoughts wont go away. I know you don't want to see a temporary T and I don't blame you. Have you ever considered utilizing the crisis text line? I person didn't not have to be on the verge of Su to contact them. When T first passed and I read struggling the where I was passively Su so I texted them. It was a huge help to me.... you can alway pm me if you want

I have reached out to The Samaritans before. I could do it again, I suppose.