[kismetie]

hi,

so I'm having some trouble being open or I should rather say, staying open with my T.

I'm struggling to say what's on my mind when I'm at therapy. What I mean is, being completely open about just how much I feel hopeless in just about every aspect of my life and how well I am fairing against it all.

I don't mean I'm having trouble letting my T know that I feel hopeless, I mean I have trouble letting my T know why or what exactly I am feeling hopeless about and how often.

I'm super afraid to just be that vulnerable with anyone. I know logically my T is there to help me and not judge but I can't get over my own embarrassment and self judgment to be open with her.

I deal with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd, childhood emotional neglect, late adoptee discovery, and dissociating. And I still struggle with not holding myself responsible for all of my shortcomings.

I don't know how to explain to my T that I'm literally so lonely at times I just stare at a wall dissociating to escape from the emotional pain of it all or that I'm also like extremely sexually deprived and can barely hold a conversation with an attractive person.

It's hard explaining this constant struggle always going on inside of me, like I'm constantly fighting to maintain control when I feel like the only thing holding me together is my control on my emotions. My T has explained and offered our sessions to be a safe space and time to allow myself to be vulnerable but it's so much harder to do when I know after my hour is up I have to go back home to a place that is literally a trigger for me.

I just feel like I'm hitting a wall right now and don't know what to do. I can't move out right now because I don't have the means, and now if feels like I can't even probably dive into the deep side of things on how I'm feeling out of fear and stress of not only being judged by some imaginary distorted being I've conjured up but also because digging deep and uncovering these deep wounds for an hour only to have to leave my "Safe Place" after an hour seems counter productive :/

[piggy momma]

Hi Kismetie,

I'm sorry you're struggling with all this.

Have you ever tried journalling? Is this something you'd be comfortable writing about, at your own pace, without the pressure of the clock, and then sharing with your T? It's definitely hard to leave the safety of the T's office when that 60 minutes is up and you've just spilled your guts. The good news is, your T is trained to help you unwrap all that crud in a safe way, so you aren't going back in to the world in a heap of mess. But, you've got to try trusting her. It's hard. It's really hard. My T has just "proven himself" and I've known him for 15 years and been working with him for 15 months. But once you do take that next step, amazing things can happen....

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by kismetie

hi,

I deal with depression, anxiety, c-ptsd, childhood emotional neglect, late adoptee discovery, and dissociating. And I still struggle with not holding myself responsible for all of my shortcomings.

I can feel from your post how much you've been through and the enormity of the struggle right now. I think your ability to articulate it so clearly means you have enough distance from it, enough of a handle on it, that bodes well for your healing from it.

I also want to say that I think holding yourself responsible for all your shortcomings is probably something you can let go of, and that therapy is more about recognizing and utilizing your strengths. Most likely you have already punished yourself enough.

But to the issue of openness with T, I have found it useful to distill it down to one sentence or two to open the discussion with my T. To say, for example, that I feel so lonely that I dissociate to avoid the pain of it. Whatever issue you choose, in my experience being willing to see the thing for what it is (which is a buddhist philosophy I find useful, though I'm not a buddhist) makes it better even though my life, as you say, is unchanged. But it's really not, as I think putting the painful stuff out there releases it from inside you, gives it less power to own you in your life outside the therapy room.

It might also be helpful for you to enhance your self care skills-- though dissociation is an excellent short term strategy, it tends to kick you in the teeth in the long run. When we were kids it was probably about the only thing available, and I think when people describe it as "creative" there is not much wrong in that. But there are options now, things that might work for you, be it an adult coloring book or a candle and a mindfulness practice, and about 5,000 other things to try rather than staring at the wall. It doesn't have to be like that.