Annoyed and a little insulted

Maybe the T seemed negative about those "methods" because you associated them with the inner child? Just saying because that would be my reaction as well and also my last T's, who was not a fan of inner child concepts. I know some people just don't like those concepts much, at least not getting stuck in analyzing and "working with" child parts in an adult. So I personally would not perceive the Ts reaction as dismissive, more encouraging. But, as it was mentioned, he should be able to make an effort to work with what the client wants and not force his own. I still don't see it as negative to present his own point of view though but that's just me.

In any case, like others said, as soon as you present the same activities in the context of just self-soothing and relaxation, they seem very positive activities that many adult do or could try for relaxation. I do all of those myself except eating a lollipop, but I eat other things I like just for the pleasure. I personally would only see those activities as negative if you used them habitually instead of dealing with important tasks in life, but that does not seem to be the case.

Sounds like he has the problem not you. My T would never tell me what your t said thats. infact thats insulting. I am sorry if my other post sounded off i did not mean to sound invalidating to your post. Hugs

I sort of see where his coming from.
I've never found regressing like that to be useful.
Running round in our adult life us different to sitting with feelings when we're triggered.
Maybe talk with T more about this.

I guess hes not the fun dad. It sounds like he resents his responsibilities, rather than embracing them. I wouldnt take any advice from him.

Honestly, I would push back on this, as HT suggested. I always pushed back on any suggestions made by a therapist I didn't like. I'd say the same thing you are saying here about being insulted and why that is and then my decision would depend on their reaction. If they own their mistake, great, then our work would continue. If not, they are fired. Not suggesting anything, just sharing my reaction. I also understand that it is easier said than done because of the attachment and everything that comes with it.

My "adult" way of soothing is drinking wine, so I'm pretty sure my T would be thrilled if I switched to hot chocolate. I'm not surprised you feel annoyed, I would feel hurt hearing all that.

Well I adulted all damn day. Laundry, wrapped gifts for 2 hrs, I cooked for 4hrs with holiday music on and the yule log on the TV. I worried if that was childish or not. Now I want to curl up and relax because I have been standing for 6 hours.....so now I wonder if that will be ok to do.

Your Therapist Is A Jerk!

And, yes, it's okay for you to curl up and relax after working this hard all day!

Enjoy a cup of hot chocolate and lollipop too, if that is what you want to do!

I don't think listening to holiday music is childish. I like to listen to it and sing along, and I am 36.

It may be that your t is making a slightly more nuanced point. Might it be not the specific activities but the intention with which they are done? Obvs, as people have said they can all be good relaxing activities. But some may use them as escape - e.g. I'll just do all my adulting then regress - one is lurching from state to state, almost enduring or tolerating ones adult responsibilities then one shucks them off as soon as one can and jumps into child mode as a reward. So, one is almost using then to hide or dissociate from life not relax and rejuvenate. I'm not saying this is what you are doing just that the t might be going for a deeper meaning.

Hmm..........I think I might be doing this and did not even realize I am doing that.

As long as someone gets necessary things done and does not run into problems with tasks and deadlines I don't see why it is a problem how they spend free time as long as it is not destructive on anyone. I think it is an issue if "adulting" (dealing with normal life) becomes daunting and painful for a large chunk of that life and only or mostly those so-called "childish" things are rewarding. But then, I would imagine, the problem is more with the adult everyday lifestyle and how it might not be appropriate and satisfying for the person, not those innocent relaxing activities. Withdrawing a bit and solitary activities are pretty normal and natural for introverts, for example. My own favorite is curling up with a good book in my cozy home setting - it never gets boring. I can and sometimes use it as distraction and procrastination though. But not sure it has anything to do with child parts other that I started doing and enjoying it as a child. I developed much worse escaping methods as an adult, e.g. as someone else also mentioned, drinking alcohol alone.

What your T said sounds like something my T might have said. I think you're right, it is partly frustration that you haven't learned more from him or whatever. Mine would get frustrated like that. I don't think he's trying to insult you, but I can totally see why you would feel that way. I think you should talk to him about it. (Sorry, that's my solution to everything. I know it's not very creative.)

That's where i was getting at but didn't explain so good.

Since he's been really helpful to you, I had a hard time thinking he was trying to insult you or suggest anything ridiculous like drinking hot cocoa = a bad thing to do. But I don't know either way..

I could be wrong, but from the few posts I've read his approach seems to bring you to the present (and mindfulness?), pulling you out of the past. And addressing defenses brings you to the present too.

It's kind of like those who struggle with overreating sometimes eat mindlessly and not aware of the tastes and sensations of eating and don't even realize. Of course no one would say eating in itself is a bad thing, but the way one approaches eating can make the difference of doing something in an unhealthy way or healthy way.

Same could apply to Netflix binging... though i don't see a need to be judgmental about doing that activity but also nothing wrong with wanting to change for better life outcomes.

I emailed him on Friday asking for a summary of that session so I could process it better. This is what he sent me this morning:

do adult things with other adults
work through grieving process that another adult cannot come to the rescue but your best adult self can take care of all the emotions
that when your best adult self is present things are good, instead of trying to sooth younger parts with younger person strategies sooth younger parts by having best adult self present (i.e. shift into adult things like cooking)

Like many things, it seems there is a lot more to it than you heard before. Sounds like a few sessions' worth to unpack and understand (we can only hear so much at one time). I think the second one is incredibly complex and even the first and third would be expected to take time in terms of making positive life changes.

It's great you reached out to him to start to deal with what he said in a more "adult" way. I think understanding your initial reaction, to post about what he said without a full understanding of the complexity and nuance within it, may also be an illustration of not full "adulting." It's easy on this board to strip away context and just say "T said this and I feel ___" and you can get a bunch of validation that responds to people constructing the worst possible thing about what he said. Many posters here love to jump on anything negative a T says or does. It's very similar to other boards where people post about their partners or spouses, and the dynamic is "dump the person already." Sometimes individuals interpret what others say in the most negative way and that can be the dynamic here on a group level.

When you're hurt, telling other people about it in ways designed to make the other person the "bad guy" is a normal yet not particularly functional way of having a relationship. When we were kids we might be labeled as "tattletales." But when you start the process of responding to the person who started the hurt feelings, that is a more mature and thoughtful way to respond to the hurt.

Sounds like he wants you to re-parent yourself. Ie to provide to yr child part the adult love and care that the appropriate adult never provided when you were actually a child. And his view seems to be that when you use those younger strategies the adult you is not present to do that re parenting. I infer he's saying you regress to a child when you self soothe with child strategies so it helps you cope with day to day life but not to grow and develop.

Also it's all in moderation- you can't change it all at once but baby steps.

If this sounds like a strategy that might work for you, then, hey, I'd say take it on and give it a try.

It doesn't sound like something that would work for me.

I wonder if maybe he provided that "advice" because maybe he thinks it's his job to do that, maybe he had a countertransference feeling that you were (emotionally) looking to him for "rescuing" and he hadn't fully processed that feeling, or something?

It hasn't sounded to me like your adult self is doing that-- looking for rescuing, exactly, but that talking about your week with him helps you maintain emotional calm.

I wonder if, maybe, you could explain that to him, as it seems like you have explained it here? Maybe you don't need any more "progress" right now, just some time to maintain?

This sounds to me like an utter paradox: a therapist posing as a Superparent/authority figure/Life Master giving you a yardstick and declaring you've fallen short of maturity by his standards.

First, I'd argue if human responses are that segmented that we're either markedly child-like or adult. I don't see some hierarchy of self-soothing: that sucking a whiskey or cupping a tea is somehow more mature than enjoying hot chocolate. (One of our esteemed local chefs prides himself on his hot chocolate.)

In my view, rejecting someone posing as my Superparent/Authority is one of the more "adult" things I've done. I don't think anyone is such an accomplished Life Mastery they're qualified to evaluate someone else's maturity.

This post is incredibly patronising. And that is coming from me who is arrogant enought to think that she thinks better than the average bear. Keep hold of a little humility, you haven't cracked life.

I actually found it thoughtful. It essentially said that, when you're hurt, try to work things out with whoever caused the hurt. Seems reasonable.

It's not about therapy exactly, but I felt annoyed and a little insulted by comments in the post below that I have bolded:

It seems to me it can go the other way around, too -- many posters don't see the harm that therapy and therapists can sometimes do, and interpret anything a therapist says in the most positive, sometimes unrealistically positive, light. I know I certainly did.

I didn't see that in Anne's post, but I think overall it's a reasonable idea. Sometimes, with some people, it's not realistically possible to work things out but until you know that for sure it seems reasonable to try it. And, that's one way you can find out if it's possible or not, too.

This whole thing made me want to make hot chocolate for myself right now, which is what I am going to do..

And, by the way, cooking is not necessarily a healthy "adult" way of coping with life. My husband copes that way and I wish he didn't because it contributes to his and my weight problem. Even though we generally eat healthy and it's all home made, when your mind is "fixed" on cooking, it makes you cook and eat more than you should and there is nothing healthy about that.

Also, any healthy way of coping, if not done in moderation, can become a way to escape problems rather than face them.

I had session with him today and said the feelings that the last session left in me was annoyed and insulted. He said he did not mean for me to feel that way and that what he is looking for me to do is activities that do not perpetuate the child feelings and keep in my best adult self. He said it is my fierce inner critic that is triggering the young child. The inner critic badgers me, I get overwhelmed, when overwhelmed the child comes out and all I am doing is trying to soothe the child instead of gaining weapons to use agains the inner critic.

And what an insightful solution he found! He decided it'd be best to add to the weight of your inner critic by throwing his own criticism at you. So, in addition to your own inner critic torturing your inner child with harsh judgment you also got the same **** from him. This looks like he joined forces with your inner critic as oppose to "gaining weapons" against it.

Also, what I know about this inner dynamic from experience is that "gaining weapons" again inner critic doesn't work. The inner critic is not the enemy. It's, actually, trying to protect the inner child, as strange as it may sound. I don't want to go into the whole theory of this. But, if you want to do the work with the inner critic, there is an excellent resource I would recommend. It's a book "Embracing Ourselves: The Voice Dialog Manual" by Hal Stone. Your therapist should've read it first before working with anyone on this issue. I'd just buy a book and work with it. Much cheaper and more effective than a therapist who doesn't know what he is doing.