Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

velcro003 · Dec 19, 2018 at 09:39 PM

dp--i doubt your T could just erase you from his mind that easily. it isn't so easy to do.

DP_2017 · Dec 19, 2018 at 10:17 PM

^Not erase, I know he wouldn't forget me... it's just I'm a distant memory, he's already moved on to his new life.... I'm "part of the job he hated" so he he can think of me from time to time and not forget me, but it's not like he's wondering how I am or missing me etc

Dec 20, 2018 at 12:20 AM

I will never get back what they took from me, NEVER!!!

What exactly did they get out of it?? A few laughs, popularity, gossip??
Is that worth destroying someone who was a good person?? I guess they just don't care... you don't care either I'm afraid...no one does....there is no solution.

RaineD · Dec 20, 2018 at 12:40 AM

I made it to the second round of interviews! Thank you! <3

annielovesbacon · Dec 20, 2018 at 12:50 AM

I can't make any promises, but I can tell you I want to.
I want to tell you what I've been holding back.
I want to tell you these scary things.
But we're going on three years together, and honestly I'm embarrassed I've hid these things for so long. I know you will not see it that way. You are kind and rational and always take the things I tell you in stride.
I just don't know how to say what I need to say.

WarmFuzzySocks · Dec 20, 2018 at 02:34 AM

I finally figured out how I feel about all this:
It's like when the kids were little and I took them to the pool. We'd walk out and I'd feel this palpable sense of relief because I hadn't realized or noticed, in the busy-ness of fun-having and making sure everyone was safe, how much energy it took to block out the NOISE.
Then someone would say, "I forgot my towel/dropped my suit/lost my goggles," and I'd have to go back in, and the noise was unbearable.

That's how this feels.
I am afraid of the dissonance. That it will be unbearable.

Why now? I just disengaged.
F***

Dec 20, 2018 at 03:14 AM

'I didnt want you to miss out' little things like tjis make me think you do care and contribute to that special feeling

junkDNA · Dec 20, 2018 at 04:20 AM

you gave me your copy of that book... complete with barely legible t scribblings in the side margins and highlighted sentences

LabRat27 · 04:41 AM

Currently in a guilt and self blame spiral
I hate how much I want your validation and reassurance

Possible trigger:

You're the only one who wasn't there at the time who knows almost all of the details that I can remember.
I was a child, but I still had free will.
How can you know the details and not blame me for my weakness? How can you not blame me for all the ways I could have been stronger? Should have been stronger.

Even though I can't believe it, I still want to hear you say it over and over.

You'll be happy to know that you've gotten into my head though. There is an annoying voice in my head that points out the obvious cognitive distortions and states much more reasonable balanced beliefs, the things I'd tell someone else if it were them instead of me. Sometimes I choose to ignore it though.

LostOnTheTrail · Dec 20, 2018 at 05:34 AM

Thank you for your card. I waited to open it until our 'usual' session time today. I'm angry, but I'm not angry at you...and it's difficult for me to hold that. I feel intense anger towards the people who did this to me, and I'm kind of relieved to actually feel something...if that doesn't sound weird.

There is movement in anger and stasis in sadness, it seems.

junkDNA · Dec 20, 2018 at 05:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

you gave me your copy of that book... complete with barely legible t scribblings in the side margins and highlighted sentences

omg lol. you left a old photo in that book of you. mist be like 10 yrs old I'm guessing by ur hair glasses and lack of a beard... cause you can seen your dimples. I'm sure you didn't mean to leave that in there... so I will return it

DP_2017 · Dec 20, 2018 at 06:59 AM

Talked to D last night, she agrees it was terrible off you to just blow us all of around the holidays and dash out quickly. For me, it only confirmed my beliefs I've long had about trusting people and being close.
However she has a lot of hope for reconnecting in the future, we will see. I am having a hard time imagining you caring about me in the slightest anymore. I wish I could hug you, and hear you laugh and tell you all about my crap job and this dog stuff and the movie... but I'm not good enough for that anymore. Really sucks, I was for so long and then BAM.... nope....

winterblues17 · Dec 20, 2018 at 08:51 AM

I still can't understand the love and care I have for you, I know it's one sided and I never have expected anything back from you, but it just hurts so much to know that this is all on me. While I'm sitting here missing you and crying about the end, You are probably carefree and enjoying life surrounded by people that you do care about. I've always felt worthless, my time with you made me feel I wasn't, but now I feel more worthless to the works and those in it more than ever. Yes ppl love me like u said, but you don't and you are the person I wish the most to receive love from.

So here I am, crying, something u know I don't do easily, yet something I can't stop. Everything has been falling apart over the last year, this and you were stable throughout, you kept me clinging on to hope and faith in life and humanity. I feel lost and alone.

So yes I'm crying, for you, for life, and for me...

winterblues17 · Dec 20, 2018 at 08:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DP_2017

Talked to D last night, she agrees it was terrible off you to just blow us all of around the holidays and dash out quickly. For me, it only confirmed my beliefs I've long had about trusting people and being close.
However she has a lot of hope for reconnecting in the future, we will see. I am having a hard time imagining you caring about me in the slightest anymore. I wish I could hug you, and hear you laugh and tell you all about my crap job and this dog stuff and the movie... but I'm not good enough for that anymore. Really sucks, I was for so long and then BAM.... nope....

I understand completely. I'm sorry you also going through the loss of T. I really think the timing of both our losses is disastrous. I also have trust issues and I understand that it is a huge blow, it's confirmed my own beliefs.
I really hope in a couple of years you can find a way to reconnect, my own T would never allow that, and I really really hope for you that he does respond like he said he would.

DP_2017 · Dec 20, 2018 at 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by winterblues17

I understand completely. I'm sorry you also going through the loss of T. I really think the timing of both our losses is disastrous. I also have trust issues and I understand that it is a huge blow, it's confirmed my own beliefs.
I really hope in a couple of years you can find a way to reconnect, my own T would never allow that, and I really really hope for you that he does respond like he said he would.

Thanks and sorry about yours too

Anne2.0 · Dec 20, 2018 at 10:20 AM

Dear T, I know it intellectually but in yesterday's session the "it" felt really distinguishable from me, more readily identifiable as the "imposter" who likes to mess with me inside my own head. I think having some distance between the real me and the fake me is all I really need. I appreciate the fake me, she's kind of funny and cynical and keeps me on my toes and grounded in the world where goodness or rightness are not for certain. Learning to make sense of opposites within myself is not a bad problem to have, either. Thank you for the space to explore these things freely.

Lemoncake · Dec 20, 2018 at 12:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Your holiday break officially starts now.

20 days, 23 hours, 9 minutes and 29 seconds.

18 days, 23 hours, 1 minute and 32 seconds.

88Butterfly88 · Dec 20, 2018 at 12:46 PM

Dear T,

I really don't want to see you today but I feel like if I cancel I'll regret it. Considering the holidays are approaching and I have a gift to give you along with

Possible trigger:

my grandfather being expected to die soon

I guess I could use your support. I'm just sick of your same old useless suggestions though. I guess I'll see you later, but I won't be happy about it.

-Butterfly

LonesomeTonight · Dec 20, 2018 at 02:18 PM

Dear T,
Of course I'm sitting here trying to figure out which of the Neapolitan ice cream flavors you'd be. Thinking chocolate or strawberry. Though, really, coffee ice cream is more fitting due to your omnipresent cup of coffee.

Love,
LT

Echos Myron redux · Dec 20, 2018 at 02:36 PM

Hi T. Miss you. I'm liking my new supervisor. Finally I have one I like. Fingers crossed it continues.

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Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Dec 19, 2018 at 09:39 PM #241 dp--i doubt your T could just erase you from his mind that easily. it isn't so easy to do.

DP_2017 Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2017 Location: A house Posts: 4,414 6 665 hugs given	Dec 19, 2018 at 10:17 PM #242 ^Not erase, I know he wouldn't forget me... it's just I'm a distant memory, he's already moved on to his new life.... I'm "part of the job he hated" so he he can think of me from time to time and not forget me, but it's not like he's wondering how I am or missing me etc __________________ Grief is the price you pay for love.

Anonymous59275 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 20, 2018 at 12:20 AM #243 I will never get back what they took from me, NEVER!!! What exactly did they get out of it?? A few laughs, popularity, gossip?? Is that worth destroying someone who was a good person?? I guess they just don't care... you don't care either I'm afraid...no one does....there is no solution.

RaineD Grand Member Member Since Aug 2017 Location: United States Posts: 950 6 962 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 12:40 AM #244 I made it to the second round of interviews! Thank you! <3

Anonymous42961 Guest Posts: n/a	Dec 20, 2018 at 03:14 AM #247 'I didnt want you to miss out' little things like tjis make me think you do care and contribute to that special feeling

junkDNA Comfy Sedation Member Since Sep 2012 Location: the woods Posts: 19,301 (SuperPoster!) 11 8,149 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 04:20 AM #248 you gave me your copy of that book... complete with barely legible t scribblings in the side margins and highlighted sentences __________________

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,890 (SuperPoster!) 9 75.1k hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 02:18 PM #259 Dear T, Of course I'm sitting here trying to figure out which of the Neapolitan ice cream flavors you'd be. Thinking chocolate or strawberry. Though, really, coffee ice cream is more fitting due to your omnipresent cup of coffee. Love, LT

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,162 6 1,834 hugs given	Dec 20, 2018 at 02:36 PM #260 Hi T. Miss you. I'm liking my new supervisor. Finally I have one I like. Fingers crossed it continues.