Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I am thankful for all the good things around, among them you and the work we've done this year. It's been a hard year, but with your support I've been able to stare at the darkest places of my history, and come back. It has been difficult and the amount of tears shed is incredible, but in the end they were tears with healing purpose. Thank you for accompanying me. Happy Holidays to you, see you next year!

plz Jesus can I see u today

Dear T,
So, we discussed a topic that's usually an issue with you and it...went well? And was helpful to me? I'm so confused. Maybe that was your Christmas present to me...Whatever it was, thanks!

And thanks for trying to make sure I don't catch your previous client's cold, even though I do smell like Lysol wipes now...
Love,
LT

Flight delayed! And I chose to leave my harrry potter book at home! The perks of getting here early though my anxietys much better and I have extra food, so i'm still okay.

So much I want to say, but the words won't come in the right order.

I wish you were my dad for real. And I was really little. And I could wake up Christmas morning at your house.

How can I believe in your care when you can just leave me alone without anything. How can you just walk away forever but still claim to care!

Usual Sunday night missing you. At least I have your card.

Can you please update linked in so I know you aren't dead?

I just wanna say I love that tag... grief is def the price u pay for love!

Hope he updates soon, and I hope if/when he does it puts your mind at ease a little!

cool man... real cool

another meltdown at another job

amazing how fast I can turn into a blubbering sobbing idiot

I am so embarrassed

my boss said I should take the rest of the day off

I wish I could talk to you. I feel like u don't care. like you want me to die.

you can just have them put 'Finally' on my tombstone

Dear T,
Was about to ask you to confirm for next Sunday, but you just did. And I appreciate the “wonderful holiday” wish.
Love,
LT

Hugs, JDNA...

I was at a caroling party last night. Someone who knows a little of my back story asked me, "How are you doing?" and I launched into all of the fun things we've been doing over the holidays, and asked how her kids were doing.

I thought later, That's what I do, and I remembered what you said in our last session: I am hard to know. It takes a long time. I often look like I am doing better than I am. (You said a few new things the last time we met. I am still turning them over in my mind.)

I don't know how to ask for help.
It feels like weakness, like burdening others, like loss of competence. I am the helper.

Please help me. Please.

T,
I don't think I can keep my promise to you much longer. I really really can't do this anymore. H and I got into another fight. Starbucks didn't have his almond milk, McDonald's put cheese on his egg McMuffins, he was struggling with connecting his new Nintendo switch, etc. So I made him eggs for breakfast, helped plug in the switch. I would have made him coffee, but we don't have decaf. Then the gardener came which he wasn't supposed to. The dogs went all nutzo. The the last light in the kitchen died. He started yelling at me, so I did something stupid: I punched him in the chest. I know I shouldn't have. He stormed out, then stormed back in. Started yelling some more. I told him I don't feel safe with him, so he threatened to leave and come back later for his stuff. I told him if he wants to end the rel that's fine, that I've already talked to my T about getting a divorce. He changed his mind and didn't want the relationship to end. Finally, he decided he'd go down to the store for replacement light bulbs, and he left.

T, it's too much. And you wonder why I live for you. You know the whole time he was yelling at me he was holding our puppy and giving it kisses. I told him that's what he's supposed to be doing for me. And I told him to take his anxiety meds, but he said he couldn't because they'd put him to sleep. Oh, and his stupid doctor took him off Wellbutrin!

I want to die! I want to be free from all of this. How about you let me go, and then you won't be responsible for me.

I'm not going to email.I can weather this storm.

Aww poo. I am starting to miss you. I still know it's right that we ended but... I miss you. Us.

I can't wait till the evening, so... Happy therapy anniversary!!
December 24th 2015, 7 P.M. (19.00) I met you.
Can't believe it's been three years.

I know you don't remember. I love you, enjoy the holidays and take care, please