Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I really need you to catch this fall right now.

I bet the dust is collecting on them shelfs over Xmas!

Midway through our usual session time. Miss you.

Lol okayyyyyyy. ..sure u do

I miss my routine.

I wish we could talk about that nightmare I had last night. You always said nightmares are our psyche's way of calling our attention to something. I know how to work with it and I will. But. Oh well.

I'm tired of being alive, I need you, I can't wait a month

I'm alone and melancholy and I don't know what to do with myself.

I wonder what you're up to.

Wow just thinking about working on the nightmare with you was a help. I think I just realized partially where it came from.

That was cool. I sorta visualized reading it to you and could totally hear the questions you would ask to get me started. Right on, L. Right on.

I am thinking about leaving a message on your machine things did not go good with Dad so boxing day plans are a no go. I hope i can see you sooner then Jan 23

Phew. That went ok. Weird talking to you about meeting a new T to “gather information.” Thanks for being so open about it and for leaving the door open. You are nice.

Last night I went down a path I've never gone before.. its hit me today and hard just how low I've become. I really need you but u leaving me, and I'm truly scared. Yeah I can have a new T, yeah she seems nice, but it's you that I need to fix this.
I'm not even sure I will even get a chance to tell u what happened, and I can almost see the look on your face if I told u. What on earth has happened to me! I'm weak!

T,

I really want to call you today. I know you said I could call during this break if I want to or need to. But I'm trying to handle it on my own. I want to call and tell you that . I'm hurt and upset but I don't want to be a bother to you.

losing you - not sure if I should email you or not. Lots has happened since Thursday. Emotionally I am fine, I don't need you from that perspective. Then again, from this perspective, I don't need anyone.

I hope you reach out to T.

I feel very low, but maybe I'm just better at hiding it here.

Goodbye, Pollyanna.

that’s awful! please call t.

Dear Former T. I miss you. I miss you like so much that it hurts in my chest. And my eyes are welling up with tears. Why does missing you hurt so much. Why can't I just think of the good things and the good times with you? Or is that what is making me miss you more? I texted you on Christmas Day. I really would have loved a response back. Even just a generic Merry Christmas. Just something. Not that I have the right to expect it. But I wanted it. And I didn't get it. I'm missing you so much I am wanting to but I know that you wouldn't want me to do that. So as of right now I'm not. But it hurts there and I know I could shift some of these feelings fast if I did that. But that's not honoring our work together if I did that. So I'm hanging tight. But I'm missing you. And I'm upset that I'm missing you. You probably aren't missing me. You probably don't care about me anymore. What did those 10 years mean? Are they nothing to you now? Why can't you love me the way you did before? I miss you so much. I really hope you had a good Christmas. I meant that when I texted you that. I hope that you're happy, and I hope that the MS isn't hurting you too much, and I hope you did something nice for yourself on the holiday if you weren't able to go back east to be with your family. I miss you and it sucks that I miss you this much. I'm writing all of this here so I won't email you and make a big fool out of myself saying how much I miss you. There's nothing you can do about it. There's no way for you to help me. Argh, this hurts too much. Kit.